Drowning In Those Eyes

Remus looked over his book at the girl sitting opposite him. They\'d been coming to the library together every day for the last two weeks and despite thinking that his two best friends were complete prats, she didn\'t seem to mind him too much. She had offered to help him revise for their charms OWL. He looked into her incredible green eyes as they whizzed furiously back and forth across the page. He thought back to the first time he\'d seen them, the very first day at Hogwarts, during their sorting. Even then he\'d been struck by the depth of colour in those green pools. It was in the middle of their fourth year that he realised just how he felt about her, those eyes, her beautiful red hair and a smile to die for. They had grown very close since just before the Easter holidays. She\'d bumped into him just after he received an owl from home informing him that his mother was ill and begging him to come home immediately. He\'d been in quite a state and she helped him pack a few things and gone with him to Dumbledore. On his return after the holidays she had been an ear for him in his grief for the death of his muggle mother. It had been so much easier to talk to her than any of his male friends. She was a muggleborn and understood much better the seriousness of muggle diseases and the total helplessness most muggles felt when faced with them. He would always be grateful to her for her support during those difficult months and he liked having another friendship that the others knew little about.

\"Remus?\" He was dragged from his thoughts, \"Remus?\"
\"Hmm? Sorry, miles away.\" He said sheepishly.
\"Can I ask you something\" He looked up and straight into her eyes, losing himself completely, \"I\'ve noticed something about you and, well...\" Remus looked away, an incredible shyness spreading through him, \"It\'s just how you have to keep missing classes and stuff. Ok, I\'m just going to come out with it and ask. Are you a werewolf?\" Totally unprepared, Remus stood up suddenly, knocking his chair over with a loud clatter. Everyone in the vicinity looked over, all vague whispering ceased.
\"What?!\" He exclaimed, \"Where did that come from? No!\" He hurriedly picked up his things and stormed away, painfully aware of every eye on him.

At dinner that night, Remus kept casting glances down Gryffindor table at Lily and her friends. On more than one occasion he caught her looking at him, always a reassuring smile on her lips. James and Sirius were their usual selves, joking around and poking fun at Severus wherever possible. They were completely unaware of Remus\'s regular revision sessions with Lily, he had a feeling James wouldn\'t like the idea. There was no way he could tell them that she had worked him out or that he had made a spectacle of himself in the library. He sat in silence, ignoring their jovial behaviour. Making his excuses he left dinner early, deciding to take a walk outside. He always liked to make the most of the night in between full moons, when he would be ruled by it. He was nearing the quidditch pitch before he became aware of being followed. He slowed down in the middle of an open patch of ground and turned quickly enough to see Lily freeze in her tracks and look around nervously before stepping closer to him.
\"Remus. Please, I want to talk.\" He stepped closer to her, embarrassment rising to redden his cheeks.
\"Lily. It\'s not something I like to talk about.\"
\"I know, I just want to apologise for saying anything. I should have known better. I\'m sorry.\" He kicked the ground and nodded,
\"It\'s ok. Just don\'t tell anyone, ok?\" She nodded and smiled. Their eyes met and an awkward stillness filled the air between them. She stepped closer and planted a gentle kiss on his lips, along with a light rub of his arm. Remus was taken aback at this and watched her walk away with his mouth hanging slightly open.

He decided once and for all not divulge any of what had happened that day to his friends. He was well aware of James\'s feelings for Lily, there was no way he was going to tread on them. But what did that kiss mean? He couldn\'t help thinking that it was more than reassurance on her part. He didn\'t sleep too well that night, with thoughts of her and that kiss in his head, and James sleeping soundly in the next bed.

The next morning Remus made a firm decision to end his revision sessions with Lily and pretend the events of the previous day had never happened. He approached the day with caution, waiting for pointing fingers as rumours of his outburst were bound to spread. By lunch it had started. Entering the Great Hall with James, Sirius and Peter as usual, but followed by a ripple of whispers and glances. Sitting down Sirius turned conspiratorially to the others,
\"What\'s going on? James? You know anything about this?\"
\"I\'m not sure, I heard a rumour, but it CAN\'T be true.\" Sirius\'s eyes lit up,
\"What was it?!\" James looked at Remus and grinned,
\"Heard old Moony threw a chair at Madame Pince and ran around the library screaming.\" Remus rolled his eyes and scoffed,
\"Not true. Kids.\"
\"But rumours are always based on facts mate. What really happened?\" Sirius asked, giving him a nudge.
\"Nothing so dramatic.\" He thought fast and furiously, when a light bulb flicked on in his mind, \"I sneezed as I was standing up and knocked my chair over. It was dead embarrassing actually. But it really wasn\'t that big a deal.\" The others looked at him incredulously, but they knew better than to push it, after all, the full moon was approaching and they didn\'t want to find themselves on the sharp end of a claw or fang. The light bulb faded, flickered and died. Remus knew it was an awful cover story, but it would have to do. The subject quickly turned and he didn\'t need to worry about it any more.
The days clicked over uneventfully. The comments and annoying pointing died down quickly and life resumed for Remus. He avoided Lily as much as possible and it seemed she was doing likewise. Soon enough, their exams were upon them and all thoughts not related to them were pushed right out of mind. That is, until the day of their Defence Against the Dark Arts exam. The four of them finished the exam with relative ease and left the great hall in good spirits, apart from Peter\'s obvious irritation with himself for only getting three signs of the werewolf and jeering from the others for it. It was a glorious day so they went outside to relax by the lake. Remus noticed Lily and her friends sitting with their feet in the cool, refreshing water. He immediately whipped a book out of his bag and began reading to distract himself. James was playing with a snitch, showing off to Peter and, Remus suspected, to Lily too. A few careful glances told him that she was stealing glimpses in their direction, but he didn\'t know which of them captured her interest.

Sirius declared his boredom and James promptly turned to find Severus sat near by. Remus knew what was coming and buried himself in his book, not really reading, but not wanting any part in their war on the loner. He blocked out whatever they were saying and doing to the boy, but his attention was grabbed by Lily\'s intervention. He watched out of the corner of his eye as she pulled her wand on James and listened to Severus insulting her and the rapid exchange of threats that flew and seemed to echo across the grounds. He couldn\'t stay to witness the torture, but didn\'t have the courage to stand up to his friends either. As Lily stormed off towards the castle he followed at a jog to catch her up.
\"Hey, Lily, wait.\" She stopped and turned to him, red-faced and angry. \"They can be such a pain sometimes.\"
\"Yeah. Well I didn\'t see you trying to stop them. You just sat there. I know Snape\'s an evil little toe rag, but they\'re bullies.\" She spat, angry tears in her big green eyes.
\"They\'re my friends. You have no idea what they\'ve done for me.\" There was a ripple of emotion in his voice that softened her face. She tried to relax and took a deep breath. Remus reached out and put his hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. She sucked her lower lip, he thought he saw a slight tremble run across it and understood that she was desperately trying not to cry in front of him. He withdrew his hand quickly and looked around. He didn\'t really know what to say or do around girls when they cried, heck, even when they weren\'t crying he was often at a loss. James and Sirius were the smooth, confident ones. She blinked furiously and brushed a shaky hand across her eyes.
\"Look, can we go somewhere private?\" She managed to say before nervously covering her mouth with her hand. Remus took her hand and lead her around the side of the castle at a slight jog until they reached a secluded spot, far from prying eyes. He stopped and turned to look at her, she gave a sudden shake and burst into tears, covering her face with her hands. After a second of desperately searching for what to do, Remus took her in his arms and hugged her warmly, pressing her to him. She pulled her arms out from between them and embraced him back, nestling her head to his chest. He felt the loud sobs vibrating against him and he put a hand on her head, pressing it to him.
\"Shush. It\'s ok. Snape\'s a git. I hate him for calling you that.\" Her sobs turned to a light laugh,
\"Just think what he\'d call you if he knew.\" Remus snorted.
\"Dread to think.\" She pulled away from him and wiped her eyes.
\"I\'m sorry about that.\" She reached out and brushed at his robes where a wet patch had formed from her tears.
\"That\'s ok.\" Without really thinking, he pressed his hand to hers, forcing it flat on his chest and pulled her close, leaning in to those eyes, hypnotised by them, despite their redness and the tears still lurking there. As he drew close, she closed her eyes and let herself fall into the kiss. It was heavy and passionate, her lips were already swollen from crying and her cheeks wet. Remus took hold of her face and caressed it gently, holding her waist to him. How he\'d longed for this, so many dreams and fantasies, kept secret with his guilt for feeling this way about the girl his friend wanted so badly. But here she was, in his arms. She had chosen him. She had told James in no uncertain terms that she would never go out with him. Remus allowed himself to feel all his love for her in that moment and it lasted a lifetime.

Finally she pulled back. Looking up at him with an awkward smile she furiously wiped at her cheeks with the sleeve of her robes. They both laughed a little and stood nervously, not sure what to do or say.
\"Right.\" She said at last. \"Um, we\'d better head back. It must be nearly dinner time.\" Remus nodded and smiled. They set off and he reached for her hand to hold. She glanced at him and pulled her hand away to scratch her neck, then folded her arms across her chest. Remus frowned but tried to put it out of mind. When they got into the entrance hall people were heading in for dinner. \"I\'ll see you later, Remus. Thanks.\" Lily quickly merged with the moving crowd and disappeared. Stunned, unsure of what had just happened, Remus set off for the common room, his appetite non-existent.

The next few days were a jumble of emotions and thoughts. Remus drifted from one exam to the next, knowing the full moon was almost upon him and sure that Lily was avoiding him. He spent most of his time alone, trying to get it all straight in his head. Every time he looked at James a terrible sinking sensation filled him. He felt awful but at the same time knew that he hadn\'t really done anything so very wrong. James didn\'t seem to be aware that anything was wrong. Neither did Sirius or Peter for that matter, they were all too wrapped up in exam stress to notice old Moony was a bit lifeless. The full moon came and went just as exams finished, with no one getting seriously maimed. It was a wonderful release for Remus, to run and be free and indulge his animalistic nature like that. Afterwards he felt refreshed, the guilt melted away and he had the courage to smile at Lily when he saw her. Finally the end of term came. He wanted to say something to Lily but couldn\'t find the words, so summer began with silence between them, their kiss unmentioned.

As time went by it became clear to Remus that neither of them would ever mention it to anyone. Their sixth year began and their friendship rekindled, but with much of their former closeness gone. He watched her whenever he could, watched her laugh with friends, tossing her hair carelessly, a wonderful sparkle in her eyes. He watched as James struck up a friendship with her, past indiscretions forgotten. Sadness filled him from time to time, longing to hold her again, remembering that kiss. His love for her deepened in secret and in their seventh year he determined to tell her how he felt. But he was too late, soon enough she and James were together and he watched them fall in love. He saw how happy they made each other and knew his chance had passed, but a deep happiness for them bloomed somewhere deep inside.

As they grew older, left Hogwarts and joined the fight against Voldemort other things forced the memories and feelings away. Life made him sane again and he attended their wedding with joy in his heart. It wasn\'t until that fateful night that old thoughts and feelings resurfaced in him. When he heard the news he broke down, crippled with tears and anger. He remembered the tears in her eyes that day, as they grew close to him, closing in slow motion, their lips pressed together in shared passion. He had let himself love her in that moment and thought she loved him too, he could have held her forever and he would love her always.

AN: I know it\'s smut-free, but it just begged to be written. Thanks to my reviewers!
Also online: When Lines Are Blurred *COMPLETE* & Spark *WIP*