My confession

Title: My confession
Author: Kitten
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Genre: Songfic
Warning: angst!!!
Rating: G
Notes: I finally bought my first album from „Josh Groban“!!! He’s the most wonderful
Italian singer. His songs are so sad, romantic, heart breaking and just absolutely
delightful for a sap like me! The first time I heard „My confession“ the song I use
here, was in a Stargate vid, and I have searched for it ever since. When I listened
to the lyrics on the cd this ficlet came to my mind, it’s unusually angsty for me and
there’s no happy end, yet. But you know me people I’m only happy when my muses are *g*!

The companionpiece to this one is \"Remember when it rained\".


Disclaimer: Neither Harry nor Draco belong to me, they belong to JKR
„My confession“ belongs to Josh Groban. I make no money with this and don’t want
break any copylaws, I’m just scribbling around




Draco

My confession

I am sure you are surprised to get a letter from me.
And you probably ask yourself what I want to confess
It’s just that,

I have been blind

when we met, so young, so new to everything
I didn’t recognise what I saw and felt.
You were something I have never encountered before.
And ever since I have often wished not to have done so.
I’ve been

Unwilling

to believe that what we did could be anything but hate induced.
The passion that always flared between us
which we let lead us in our last year,
when the war was coming towards it’s peak,
we found refuge in each others arms, or rather I found it in yours.
I thought it to be wrong, something dark, I was too wrapped up in my
own enforced destiny

To see the true love

shining in your eyes.
Something I have never known, never felt
How could I recognise it for what it was?
I am so old in mind, so scarred in soul
not as much as you,
and yet

You’re giving

Yourself,
with every heated word, every scathing remark
with every stolen kiss, with every comforting embrace
And stupid as always

I have ignored every blessing

that came my way, only seeing the bad,
the darkness closing in around me.
Never noticing the tears of blood you cried inside
It had to come to this, now

I’m on my knees

though it probably is too late already,
I don’t deserve you.
Never did.
But you deserve to know the truth.
That’s why I’m

Confessing...

so much, too much
words never said,
thoughts forbidden before properly formed,
emotions repressed,
pain induced, because you never knew

That I feel myself surrender

to the inevitable,
to what should have been seven years ago.
What I should have at least admitted to
sfter I allowed myself to take what I wanted.
You deserve to know,
after you gave me yourself and never got anything back,
that

Each time I see your face

may it be in the halls of this place I called home,
and even though you pretend for my sake in front of others,
even though hate is all that I show you then,
or may it be when we are alone and still,
I am not able to tell you..

I am staggered by your beauty

So much it takes my breath away,
and the pretending, the lying to myself is all that keeps me sane;
for if I gave into what I truly felt,
there would be no escape for either one of us,
and you in

Your unassuming grace

walk away.
Hiding yet another scar induced by me.
Because I am not willing, not able
to be the man you deserve.
But this shall show you that I see now

And I feel my heart is turning

as the blindness leaves step by step,
the turning is coming over the whole of me.
Slowly, too slowly I fear
Everything

Is falling into place

And the sudden understanding hits me hard.
I relive every day, every night
we spend together,
every time I left you behind,
not daring to turn back because I inwardly knew,
what it would be that I would see in your eyes,
and you in mine.
But I can’t do it anymore,

I can’t hide it

any longer.
I don’t want to.
This is so difficult, my fear and blindness
obviously cost me the one and only thing,
that was ever important in my life.
Though even if this is too late
I have come to this point so

Now hear my confession

The one I tried to live without
Because it would have been so much easier.
I thought,
and hurt you by it
Listen I know now that

I have been wrong about you

from the first moment on,
to the last we spend together
I have been so wrong.
Never seeing what was directly in front of me
believing my own lies,

I thought I was strong without you

that is why I couldn’t be honest with you
even as we were together.
You felt it, died bit by bit through my hand,
which was more often cruel than tender.
I couldn’t allow myself

For so long

to see what was in my heart.
And more important what was in yours!
I rather believed you hadn’t one.
And in this

Nothing could move me

Though nobody but you noticed,
what was inside of me, still I didn’t want to see,
your love for me,
my love for you.

For so long

I let the darkness rule my life.
Only you saw that I was letting it consume me.
You lived surrounded by it
and you fought it so you recognised something that I had
forgotten in horror of all the blood on my hands.
And you told me:

Nothing could change me

The words that once saved me from myself,
were the same you threw at me as you left.
Too often did I lie about what you were to me,
too often did I hurt you deeply.
While the darkness could never touch you in your childhood
I laid your heart open to be sullied by mine and

Now I feel myself surrender

to it once more, without you as my shield;
without the love you gave me,
I became aware of why I feel so weak:
There has never been strength in my keeping you away
This I have to admit

Each time I see your face

in the halls that now seem like a foreign place.
Because my home has always been where you were.
I confessed this truth to myself,
And now I confess to you that I am

Captured by your beauty

And I don’t mean your body,
as perfect it may be,
it was the beauty of your soul, that
has kept mine alive, when the world came crashing down
around me,
and it was

Your unassuming grace

that lifted me up when I was down,
that helped me breath when the classroom walls were
closing in on me.
And nobody saw.
That is why things changed,

And I feel my heart is turning

and has done so ever since you left.
Because clichéd as it may sound,
we only recognise what we had when we loose it
As I did with you.
Now it’s all

Falling into place

Like it did as we were alone.
I could sink into the place in which only we lived.
It didn’t matter that I had to work so hard,
to keep my heart from feeling what
you showed my unseeing eyes in hope.
Now though,

I can’t hide it

And I refuse to.
If this comes too late,
and everything is lost already,
why should I hide?
I beg you

Now hear my confession:

You are the air that I breath
You’re the ground beneath my feet

That is what I wanted to say.
That is what you need to know.
When you left you asked:

When did I stop believing?

I answer you now.
It was the very second the door closed behind you.
Before that I have never allowed myself
to believe that I should be so lucky.
But for one moment I saw and felt
that I had it all.
Only to loose it,
with the sound of
a lock falling into it’s place.

Harry