Secular Encounters

I don’t own Harry Potter. He belongs to J.K. Rowling. I just like to use him for my own twisted fantasies.
The plot bunny for this story comes from Boccaccio’s Decameron. (Third day first story)
There are also quotes from Monty Python, Star Wars, and probably lots of other things that have gotten stuck in my head over the years that I can’t think of a specific reference for.

This story is AU: Hogwarts is an all girls’ school and Voldemort has won the war.

Warning: This is NC-17 when you come across the naughty bits, you have been warned.

This story is dedicated to my wonderful husband and beta, Kevin; who keeps telling me ‘How come all the stuff you write is so gay’. So here’s a non-gay story that’s sure to please everyone.


Voldemort paced back and forth in his main chamber. After 3 years he had finally defeated the Potter boy and the war was over. His side had won as it rightfully should have.

That Potter boy should’ve known better than to think such idiotic idealism such as his could survive in the world, and taken him up on the offer to forces. Unfortunately Dumbledore’s brainwashing had taken a deep hold and there was nothing to be done but kill him. It was a waste of a good wizard, especially when he seemed to be perpetually stuck with idiots like Crabbe and Goyle Sr.

Anyway, the first thing that needed to be done was to reorganize the Wizarding world to his specifications. Not a simple task by anyone’s standards, but not insurmountable.

“Pettigrew!” Voldemort stopped pacing for a moment and yelled for his irritating, sniveling subordinate.
“Yes Master?” asked Pettigrew nervously.

“I need you to go up to a remote area in Scotland. There’s a school there for witches called Hogwarts. I’d like you to check and see that everything is run to my specifications and while you’re in the area, make sure that everything else is going along with my plans. Infiltrate, and make yourself as friendly as possible to the locals.”

“With all the wizardry in that area this is a very important and sensitive mission and if you make any mistakes you will surely regret it. Report back to me with your progress and information.”

“Y-yes Master, but schools, and witches?”

“Idiot! Don’t you understand that children are the future? Control them and you can control the world. Get out of my sight, before I do something you regret.”

Pettigrew bowed quickly and scurried from the room as fast as he could go.

Voldemort sighed and went back to pacing the room. He hoped that this would work out like he had planned. Unfortunately, it seemed that being a completely loyal servant of evil went hand in hand with unlimited stupidity, which meant those servants needed constant supervision. The smarter ones on the other hand needed watching because they tended to go and plot evil takeovers of their own.

Sometimes it was tough being an Evil Overlord.

Pettigrew hurried down the hallway toward his room. Witches! He thought in disgust. I don’t want to have to deal with a bunch of bossy and manipulative witches. I can see them all now, looking down at me thinking they’re so smart. Why did I get stuck with this job anyway? Contemplating his misery, Pettigrew bumped into Draco Malfoy and nearly knocked him over.

“Damn Pettigrew, would you watch where you’re going?” Draco noticed his preoccupation “What’s got your knickers in a twist?”

“What do you care Malfoy?” grumbled the rat.

“I don’t care actually, just thought I’d save the next person coming down the hall from a hit and run.”

Pettigrew explained what the Dark Lord had asked of him regarding the girls’ school, along with his less than enthusiastic comments regarding the whole matter.

Draco on the other hand, thought it sounded like a fantastic opportunity to be surrounded by dozens of beautiful women. He was going to go request that the mission be reassigned to him instead. It would be wasted on that rat Pettigrew who was sure to mess it up in some way regardless.

“Pettigrew, are you gay or something? You’ve got the opportunity to be surrounded by many young beautiful witches…and you don’t want to?”

“What? Gay? No! Heck, you’re the one who spends an hour on your hair.”

Draco looked down his nose at Wormtail and tucked a strand of hair that was out of place behind his ear, “All reports of my daily toilette have been exaggerated.”

“Oh? Well then, what about this?” Pettigrew stuck a stack of papers in front of Draco’s nose.

Draco pulled it away far enough from his face to read the first few lines. “Harry/Draco slash fan-fiction… NC-17… Draco loves Harry, but will he give up what he knows… What the hell?!” Draco raised an eyebrow at Peter “and why are you reading this smut?”

“Uhh….” Unable to come up with a good reply Pettigrew turned and quickly ran down the hallway.

“I’m going to go and request that the Dark Lord give me your mission, if it’s all the same to you.” Draco yelled down the hall after the retreating rat animagus.

Ugh, Draco thought as he walked down the hall to Voldemort’s chambers. There are some things I never wanted to know, and that was one of them.

Draco slowly opened the door and cautiously walked into the Dark Lord’s rooms after a grouchily muttered “Enter,” granted him access.

What now? Thought Voldemort. It’s always something with these people… ‘Lord Voldemort can I ravage this muggle town,’ … ‘Lord Voldemort can I overthrow the Ministry from within,’ … ‘Lord Voldemort can I kill the Potter boy and prove my loyalty,’ … and it’s ‘may I’ dammit! No one is taught proper grammar anymore. He turned his eyes to a hopeful Draco Malfoy who was standing in the doorway.

“My Lord, I just ran into Pettigrew in the hallway and he told me about the assignment you gave him. It sounds like something I would excel at Sir, and I was wondering can I…” Draco paused and cleared his throat “Er… that is, may I, have the assignment instead.”

Voldemort looked at Draco as he considered the request. Draco stood there trying to suppress a hopeful smile as he shifted uncomfortably in his dark robes.

“Very well Young Malfoy the assignment is all yours, just keep in mind that my agenda takes precedence to messing around with all the young witches.”

“My Lord, I would never…”

Voldemort tapped one finger against his head. “Legilimens Draco, everything you know, I know.”

“Everything…?” Draco paled.

“Not everything, for example, I don’t know anything at all about the dream you had about the samurai in a tutu, your broom, and the 7-foot giant rubber ducky.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” Draco relaxed considerably.

Voldemort watched as Draco’s head re-filled with thoughts of witches. Short witches, tall witches, light witches, dark witches, he was completely undiscriminating.

Hiding a grin behind his hand the Dark Lord turned and pulled a box off a shelf behind him. It’s all about control, he thought.

“Draco, I have something here for you that will come in handy during your assignment.”

Draco looked at the box in Voldemort’s hands. “Are those…?” he whispered reverently.
“Yes…”

“The sex toys of evil.”

Draco left to pack for his trip the next day, the box held carefully in his hands and his mind full of possibilities.

Voldemort closed the door behind him and permitted himself a smile. Ah, to be young and overly hormonal.

The next morning Draco carried his suitcase toward the nearest fireplace in the Manor. Floo powder was his least favorite way of traveling, but due to the wards around the school it was unfortunately the quickest and easiest way in.

He had the added misfortune of passing a somewhat distressed Severus Snape together with an amorously inclined Peter Pettigrew arguing in a nearby room.
“…But you’re so angry, and tall, and dark and greasy…” Draco heard Pettigrew say and couldn’t resist the urge to peek around the corner, hopefully undetected. There he saw Snape backed up against the wall desperately holding back Pettigrew who was tilting his chin up and pushing forward for a kiss. It was not a pretty sight.

I see what they mean about curiosity killing the cat, thought Draco. I’m going to need to bleach out my eyeballs after seeing that.

“I’ve told you time and time again Pettigrew, I’m not interested!” Snape was saying.

“So you’ll sleep with Harry Potter, but not me?”

“What?!”

Pettigrew shoved a stack of papers under Snape’s hooked nose, “See! I have proof!”

Draco quietly left after that. He hoped that the Dark Lord would decide to obliviate Pettigrew, and replace his brain with one that worked.



He entered Hogwarts in a cloud of black smoke that billowed forth from the fireplace at his entrance. He coughed slightly and dusted off his pants with a quick swipe of his hand. There were three people waiting for him. Standing slightly off to the side they had easily avoided the smoke that came along with his entrance.

The imposing woman in the center stepped forward and introduced herself. “Hello and Welcome to Hogwarts Mr. Malfoy. My name is Minerva McGonagall. I’m the Headmistress here.”

“Pleased to meet you Headmistress, you were told why I’m here correct?”

“Yes, although I’m sure you won’t find any problems with the curriculum or the girls, wizard or muggleborn. My girls are all good girls.”

“I’m sure they are, and I’ll be going around and checking them out,” said Draco with a mental leer.

“Excuse me?”

“I said I’ll still need to check things out,” repeated Draco innocently.

“Oh, that’s fine, you’ll have full access to the facilities” she smiled at Draco and motioned toward the doorway.

“I’ll make sure to disrupt things as little as possible so that you can continue teaching as usual.”

They walked out the door and up the stairs. “I’ve gotten a room ready for you down this hallway,” said McGonagall as she shepherded Draco left down one hallway and right down another. They stopped at a door at the end of a lonely hallway. “The password is ‘mastermind’. I’m going to get going so you can put your things away in peace. I’ll come get you at 12:00 for lunch, and introduce you then,” she waved and disappeared down the hall in a flurry of robes.

Draco walked into a nicely furnished room done in the green and grey colors of his house. There was a queen size bed in the small bedroom covered in a green quilt that had grey gingham blocks mixed into the pattern.

“Adequate,” murmured Draco and checked the bed’s sturdiness before going to see the adjoining bathroom.

The bath was also nothing spectacular like he was used to back at Voldemort’s mansion, but it was sufficient for his purposes and should fit two people in a pinch. This was looking more promising than he had originally expected from this type of excursion. Despite the way novels romanticized sex in abandoned corridors and lonely towers, those places tended to be cold, wet, and moldy or some combination of the three and Draco preferred a nice soft, warm, bed.

It took him an hour to get everything put away and that included dusting everything off, which he mainly did to kill time until lunch, because the house elves kept up on the housework nicely.

He looked at the clock which said 10:43. Sitting on the bed bored he twiddled his thumbs and wondered what he could do to kill time until lunch. Momentarily he debated seeing how many times he could get himself off in the next hour but decided it would be a waste to use himself up on his hand like that when there were scads of women just waiting for him on the other side of the door.

Well then, thought Draco, how about some slightly unauthorized exploration? If he got caught anywhere he would just say he was going to meet McGonagall and got lost on the way.

Peeking out the doorway to make sure it was clear he made his way down the long hallway and then off to the right. Most of the castle looked just about as he expected. There were paintings on the walls every twenty to fifty feet or so to brighten up the place and he wasn’t so stupid to think that they didn’t report back to someone. He greeted them all with a ‘good morning’ and a nod of his head on his way around. So far all he had managed to do was get himself hopelessly lost.

Looking at his watch he realized that it was 11:45 and someone was sure to notice he was missing soon. Not to mention he was hungry. He stopped in front of a door draped in lace and flowers, and noted mentally that this must be one of the greatest ironies of life. He’d found paradise but had no idea how he got here.

He turned slowly mentally preparing to swallow his pride and ask one of the paintings, or more than one if need be, the way back to his room when he heard McGonagall say “I see you’ve found the girls’ dormitories in your little explorations Mr. Malfoy.”

Turning back quickly he saw her standing there and he wondered how it was possible for her to appear and disappear almost instantaneously like she seemed to do. Was he being followed?

“Girls’ dormitories?” he asked trying to keep calm, his eyes avoiding the blossom-covered door and looking vaguely down the hallway.

“Yes, haven’t they done a lovely job with the door?” McGonagall smiled and motioned towards the entrance.

“Ah, it’s very lovely. Blossoming charms?”

“And some herbology work. I myself added a man-eating flytrap time spelled against intruders.”

Eeep! Good thing he hadn’t tried to go in.

“This flower here however,” McGonagall reached up and grabbed a blue hyacinth, “disables it for 24 hours if you pull off the blossom.”

Draco stared at Headmistress McGonagall in disbelief. Surely she wasn’t giving him permission to go into the girls’ dorms? There must be some deeper plan afoot, and it would be best to figure out what that was before doing anything rash. Unfortunately he still had no idea how he got here. Hopefully walking back with McGonagall would fix the route better into his memory.

“So shall we go to lunch?” he asked.

Draco followed Headmistress McGonagall down the hallway and then to the left, then to the right, and to the left again. After an unknown number of randomly alternating left and right turns Draco had to concede defeat and admit that he was hopelessly lost again. Apparently keeping a list of left and right turns to the dining hall in his head simply wasn’t feasible without something to write down the turns with. Despite this being one of his better plans he lost track right about at a portrait of Guthrie Lochrin on his broomstick. Quite an unusual painting, seeing as how Guthrie Lochrin was famous for writing articles about how splinter filled buttocks and bulging piles could affect those who rode broomsticks.

Suddenly they turned one last corner out of the multitude they had covered and there were two ornately carved doors in front of them. The Headmistress reached out and gave them a shove lightly. Well oiled they silently swung open revealing the Great Hall full of girls eating the noon meal.

McGonagall turned to Draco who was quietly trying not to drool on his shoes. “Well, as you can see… we are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear…” McGonagall stopped suddenly staring off into space and then with a shake gave herself a good thwap in the head. “So sorry, it seems I was channeling someone else for a moment there. Now where was I?”

“Uhh… As you can see?”

“Right!” McGonagall continued cheerfully, “Thanks so much. As you can see some of the girls are a bit older because the war delayed their schooling. We’re doing our best to bring everyone up to speed and the girls are working very hard.”

They walked up to the head table where Headmistress McGonagall introduced Draco and explained that he would be watching over some of their classes to see how things were going. Then lunch was served and Draco momentarily forgot all about girls and the mission, and girls and just concentrated on food. It had been a while since he had eaten last, and he was very hungry. Getting lost in castles apparently took energy.

Across the hall Pansy Parkinson leaned over to Hermione Granger and whispered, “He’s the Dark Lord’s emissary. Do you think he has them?”

“Them?” asked Hermione, confused.

“You know them.” Pansy shook her head in defeat when Hermione looked just as confused as before. “I keep forgetting you were on the good side of the war Herm. I mean…” Her voice dropped to a whisper and she leaned over close to Hermione. “The sex toys of evil.”

“Is that some sort of sick dark magic thing?” Hermione asked uncertainly.

“Well dark magic definitely, I mean this is the Dark Lord we’re talking about after all, but it’s not sick,” Pansy grinned evilly, “unless you want it to be. You should hear some of the things I’ve heard…” She leaned back over and began to whisper in Hermione’s ear again.

Hermione’s eyes opened wide. “No way…”

“Yes and…” Pansy leaned over and continued.

“Really? That long?” Hermione let Pansy continue for a moment more and then pushed her away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, but if you tell me any more I’ll need to run up to the dorm for a clean set of underwear, and I don’t have the time.”

Hermione looked at Draco thoughtfully. “Do you think he’d be interested in…?” She let the sentence hang.

“He’s a guy. He’d do it with a female hippogriff if she showed interest,” interjected Ginny who had been listening to part of the conversation.

“Your faith in the male of the species astounds me,” said Hermione wryly.

“I have six brothers. You’ll find my statement is strangely accurate.”

“I have to agree with her,” Pansy said. “I’ve refined spying on my family to an art form, and if I ever told you what my brothers get up to doing you’d never be able to look at them with a straight face again.”

“You snoop on your family?” Hermione asked, somewhat appalled.

“Of course, who else is there?” said Pansy with a carefree wave of her hand.

“But…” continued Hermione still somewhat shocked at the way Pansy admitted this seemingly unforgivable indiscretion. Staring off into space she thought how awful it must be to live at Pansy’s house. After all a house without any trust was a house without love. Really, her friend’s life must have been so hard even if she didn’t know it. Hermione turned to offer sympathy and help, in a roundabout way of course so that she wouldn’t offend anyone, and found Pansy laughing into her sleeve.

“All you goody two shoes people are just too funny. I bet you’re thinking I had some sort of abused childhood.”

“Err…” Hermione couldn’t think of anything to say.

Pansy lapsed into another fit of the giggles. “I bet you’ve never snuck around the house trying to find out where your parents have hidden the Christmas presents.”

“I um…”

“Or because you heard your parents fighting, you tiptoed into a nearby room and listened quietly because you were worried it might be something bad.”
“Yeah…” Hermione was feeling embarrassed now. If anything she was guilty of being a bit hypocritical.

“Or sneaking into your brother’s room and drawing smiley faces on all of his underwear in magic ink.”

“I don’t have any brothers.”

“Well you should get some and try it. He was so pissed, and it took him three weeks to figure out it was me that did it.” Pansy grinned.

Pansy looked over at Ginny, “What about you Gin? Do you sneak around?”

“Of course I do, but I was one of those ‘goody two shoes’ people myself, and we don’t actually admit to that sort of thing. It’s called denial and that’s why we have such good therapists.”

The three of them looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“You just did admit it Gin,” giggled Hermione.

“Then I guess my journey toward the Dark Side is complete,” said Ginny trying to say it seriously and failing.

Pansy covered her mouth with both hands and wheezed, “Luke, Luke, I am your father.”

The girls giggled.

“Herm, have you shown those movies to everyone?” Ginny asked, still laughing.

“Ever since I got the DVD player to work inside the wards, anyone that’ll stand still long enough is fair game. C’mon you know Han Solo is hot.”
“Well, ok I guess Han is not bad for a muggle,” Pansy conceded. “I wonder if we could make all his clothes invisible. That would make for an interesting film.”

Ginny was nodding her head in agreement, but Hermione gasped and said, “You are not turning Star Wars into some kind of porn.”

“What’s porn?” asked Pansy, never having heard the term before.

“Muggle movie of people having sex.”

“Sounds fun lets try it.”

Hermione sighed, “Ok, but you are buying it. It’s usually more fun to watch with a guy you know.”

“I agree,” said a deep voice from behind them, “and just so you know I’m more than willing to volunteer for any experimentation.”

The three girls turned around so fast that Pansy, who was sitting on the end nearly fell off the bench. They had been so engrossed in their conversation they hadn’t noticed that lunch was over and behind them stood Draco Malfoy who had apparently overheard, well, the most embarrassing stuff anyway. Hermione was blushing brightly enough to light up a room. Ginny and Pansy while just as embarrassed were taking it more in stride. That’s what happened when you had brothers and sisters who would gladly humiliate you in public. You got used to it.

Ginny stood up and stuck out her hand, “Um, welcome to Hogwarts Sir, I’m Ginny Weasley.” She knew she sounded inane, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. The others were still trying to get their bearings.

Draco shook Ginny’s hand, “Pleased to meet you. Just Draco is fine.”

Ginny smiled and wondered if she could kick Pansy in the leg to get her to wake up without Draco noticing anything when Pansy jumped to her feet.

“Right, I’m sorry, Pansy Parkinson. Nice to meet you,” Pansy stuck out her hand.

Hermione unfortunately was a lost cause. Ginny lifted under her arms and stood her up, while Pansy took her hand and stuck it out.

“This is our friend Hermione Granger,” said Ginny.

“She’s really glad to meet you too,” added Pansy, “she’s just shy and embarrasses easily.”

“But we’re working on that!” they said together and giggled.

Draco looked around. It seemed that the Headmistress had left to do other things, forgetting that he still didn’t know the way around the castle. He had been headed toward her when he stopped to listen in to the girls’ conversation.

“I don’t suppose you girls can show me to my rooms?” he asked.

“Are you really the Dark Lord’s emissary?” asked Ginny. “That’s got to be the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard.”

“No, I meant…” started Draco.

“No kidding, even your brother Ron managed to do better when we started dating,” interjected Pansy.

“But, I wasn’t...” Draco broke off…

“You must be mistaken Pans, none of my family ever has sex, it’s like that for my mental well being,” grinned Ginny.

“Ah, sorry Gin my mistake,” Pansy grinned back, “my family’s the same way. Those nieces and nephews of mine are just an aberration.”

“I’ll show you the way,” said Hermione quietly from the background.

Pansy and Ginny stared at Hermione in surprise. Ginny turned to Hermione and hugged her with a whispered, “way to go Hermione.”

Pansy being the more obvious one pushed her forward and said, “You go get him Herm.”

This earned her the glare of death and a hissed, “I really think he just wants directions.” Turning back toward Draco with an awkward smile she led the way out of the Great Hall.