Reluctance

1 – The Relative Calm
In the last few months of Year 1, B.P. (Before Harry Potter)

“D’you remember the first time we shagged, Moony?” Sirius sipped his butterbeer with a grin, leaning back into the couch with his legs spread.

Remus did his best to ignore the open invitation formed in the vertex of Sirius’ legs, flipping eggs in a pan. “Could I forget?”

“You might.” A smirk solidified on Sirius’ wide, cock-sucking lips. They were barely out of Hogwarts, and although Sirius had already lost the schoolboy charm that caught him any girl he could desire, it had morphed into something deeper, more masculine and vastly more irresistible. James sometimes teased him that if only the Ministry could find a way to use Sirius’ sexual appeal as a weapon, the war would be over in minutes. Sirius agreed whole-heartedly.

“I wouldn’t.” The toast popped up, and Remus picked it out and put a slice on each plate. His own was smeared with butter and jam, but Sirius liked his plain. ‘Toast is better commando,’ he said. Remus didn’t believe him: he really just thought Sirius liked the sexual connotations it provided. He wondered, sometimes, how Sirius would like his toast if he couldn’t think of any metaphors to attach. He probably wouldn’t eat it at all.

“I remember the first time I realized I wanted you. It was when you got a crush on that scrawny little wanker, Konstantin.”

“You could be nicer to his memory,” Remus said. “He was found dead just yesterday.”

“I never liked him. He was annoying, stupid, and had all that bloody ‘better-than-thou’ attitude.”

Remus set the plates down on the coffee table in front of Sirius. “I didn’t realize you were still jealous of him.”

“Of course I’m jealous. You still remember him fondly, don’t you?” Sirius reached up, pulling the werewolf into his lap and holding him there.

“He was my friend.” Remus struggled to escape the embrace. Sirius let him go reluctantly. “He was a gentleman, and he was nice to me, like you never were.” He said the words coldly, and returned to the kitchen to pour the coffee.

“Even if he was a Death Eater? You’re mine, anyway.”

“You don’t know if he was, Sirius. They don’t put things like that in the morning paper.” He sighed. “You’re a hypocrite. No matter how many flings you have on the side, you always get jealous if I show the slightest interest in someone else. That’s not exactly fair, Padfoot.”

“It’s different when it’s you.” Sirius took the cup he was offered—black, as always (Remus drank his with obscene amounts of honey and chocolate mixed in)—and set it aside, pulling Remus into his lap again. “We’ve had this discussion before.”

“You’re still a hypocrite.”

“Maybe.” Sirius smirked, holding Remus firmly in place as the thinner man reached for his plate of food, eating as if he hadn’t noticed Sirius’ cock hard through two layers of their clothing. “I remember when he transferred in to Hogwarts, our sixth year. He was a year younger than either of us.”

“Why the sudden urge to reminisce?” Remus held out a forkful of eggs, and Sirius ate it with a predatory chomp.

“Maybe just the realization that either of us could die at any moment.”

2 – Epiphany
Year 4, B.H., at Hogwarts.

“Do you believe that, Sirius?”

“Huh?” Sirius looked up, startled, at the face of his friend Peter.

“Do you believe that you don’t ever appreciate the things you have until you’ve lost them?”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, going back to frowning across the table at Remus and their new friend Konstantin, deeply involved in a debate over Hippogriff egg harvesting. His fingers were twitching with the urge to grab his wand and turn Konstantin into some hideous new variety of pond scum.

It wasn’t so much the boy’s sweet smile and gentle, unassuming manner, or the way he always dressed in heavy black coats and scarves, even indoors, even when it was hot out, and lingered in shadows like it’d kill him to get a tan. It wasn’t the way all the teachers seemed to tip-toe around him and let him out of class for every possible excuse at an absence—I mean, really, Professor Whittle let him out of class on the grounds of being allergic to fresh air. It wasn’t the way he was from some noble pureblood family in Romania, or the stories he had of his family’s business raising Moondragons, an endangered nocturnal breed of dragons whose extremely rare and valuable saliva was collected for use in potions. It wasn’t that he was a boot-licking, yellow-faced, snake-fucking Slytherin. It wasn’t the way he’d befriended every single one of Sirius’ friends and allies. No, it really just came down to the excruciatingly obvious fact that Remus had a crush on him.

Sirius, being Sirius, had never lacked for romantic and sexual attention. Ever since his first kiss, when he’d gotten caught making out with a Hufflepuff girl back in second year, Sirius had been infamous as a playboy and, well, the best fuck in Hogwarts. But he’d never in his life been so jealous.

What pissed him off even more was the fact that although James realized Sirius was bloody pissed over something, it was only Konstantin who realized Sirius was lusting after the young werewolf.

Konstantin was sucking on a blackberry, devouring it in tiny playful nibbles. Remus was fixated. Sirius was boiling. No one else noticed.

James was regaling Peter with some story about his adventures sneaking into the girls showers. “And then Lily was there, water trailing down her body and dripping off of the curls at her—“

Sirius stood up suddenly from the table. “I’m going to the loo.”

James guffawed. “Really, Sirius, I didn’t realize I’d turned you on.”

Sirius ignored him and left.

“Sirius.”

He hated that voice. That sensual, uniquely chilling voice, like silk soaked in oil and left to burn.

“How long have you been in love with him?”

Sirius turned around at that, slamming the smaller boy—Konstantin, that slimy worm—against the corridor wall. “I’m not in love with anyone.”

Konstantin smiled a slick, essentially sociable smile. “Does it gall you that I was his first?”

Sirius heart stopped for an instant, then beat faster with hatred and jealousy. “What?”

“Your cherished Remus. Didn’t you wonder where he was last night? I just thought you’d like to know.”

“You bloody asshole.” Sirius hit him then, hit him hard until Konstantin had crumpled to the floor and yelling voices surrounded him, holding Sirius back though he kicked and fought them all, trying to get to Konstantin and hurt him, hurt him and leave him to bleed.

3 – Cold War

“You ought to learn to control your temper, Sirius Black.”

Sirius glared up at the ceiling, hating every splinter of wood.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“He provoked me.” Sirius spat, not feeling at all remorseful. In fact, he felt mostly ready to go back out there, and leave Konstantin with enough broken bones that he’d be stuck in the hospital ward until summer.

“That is not an excuse. Unless you can provide a better explanation of your actions and an apology, I’m taking twenty points from Gryffindor and you can have detention for the next week.”

“Fine.”

He stared at the ceiling, oblivious to the lecture, mind wracked with images of Remus with Konstantin, bodies intwined, exchanging sweaty kisses and meaningful looks, and Sirius swore he’d find out exactly how many kisses they’d exchanged, and leave Konstantin with a broken bone for every one.

The next day was sunny, and they took their Care of Magical Creatures class outside—which meant, of course, that Konstantin’s fresh-air allergy flared up, and he had to spend the class in the library.

“It’s too bad he’s missing this,” Remus commented. “It’s so nice and warm today.” He smiled that hapless, sweet smile, the one that made Sirius melt inside because it was so innocent and so broken at the same time. Remus had suffered so much pain, he made a point of cherishing every little glimmer of happiness. Today it only made Sirius’ hatred flash towards Remus—Remus who had betrayed him, screaming Konstantin’s name as he climaxed, and the imagined details were seared in Sirius’ memory. His hands fisted into the grass, mercilessly ripping at the herbage as if it were fistfuls of Konstantin’s hair.

“Sirius? Are you okay?” Peter frowned at him.

“Just fine,” Sirius snarled, in an ‘ask-again-and-I’ll-rip-your-throat-out-for-your-trouble’ sort of voice.

“Sirius?” Remus looked up from his notes with a genuinely worried look on his flawless face. Sirius had the sudden urge to hit him, so that his face would look less idyllic and pure. “Something is wrong. You should tell us. We’re your friends.”

“Shut your cock-sucking mouth,” Sirius replied.

“Hey, don’t speak that way to him!” Peter defended.

“Don’t get me started on you, you walking Oedipus complex,” Sirius said.

Peter looked confused, not sure whether or not that was an insult. “… What?”

“He called you a mother-fucker,” James translated helpfully. “Really, Sirius, it’s usually Remus using the big words and literary references.”

Remus laughed a little at that, so quick to forgive and forget—so young. “Maybe he just realized that insults are more fun when the victim doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

It was then that Sirius decided to seduce Remus, the object of his desires. Maybe seduce wasn’t the right word. He wanted to win Remus, possess him, let him know that he was owned. He’d brand his name into Remus’ skin with every bite, every lick. He wondered how Remus smelled, after sex, and decided that he was going to find out. He cheered up immediately with this new rush of mental images, Remus at his mercy, himself at Remus’ mercy, fucking, being fucked, and only each other’s names on their lips.

It was then that Sirius decided to rape Remus.

4 – Expectation

Konstantin had bought a small army of chocolate frogs, and, with the help of his friends, released them all in the Gryffindor common room. Girls screamed as the frogs jumped up their skirts (which was fairly frequent, with so many frogs jumping in so many different directions), and James was unable to stop laughing, which led to him being socked, repeatedly, by various female denizens of Gryffindor.

One of the frogs jumped into Sirius’ lap, and he caught it. “Aww, this one wants to get into my pants. It’s a gay frog, lads.”

“Everyone wants to get into your pants, Sirius,” Remus said, taking the frog and removing its legs with two vicious little bites.

“Jealous much, Remus?” James teased. “That was a hell of a vengeful way to bite off that frog’s fun bits.”

”They’re chocolate frogs, James. They don’t have ‘fun bits.’” Remus said, sensibly.

“Are you blushing?” James was laughing again.

“No,” Remus said, blushing.

Sirius looked up at this, visually confirming that Remus was, indeed, blushing. “You’re all red, Remus. Sure you’re not coming down with something?”

“It’s just warm in here,” Remus mumbled.

“Really.” Sirius smirked. “I’m sure that’s it. Or maybe you were just thinking about how you wanted to possess me, make me beg, watch me writhe, moaning your name as you sink deeper and deeper into me?”

The chocolate frog in Konstantin’s hand exploded with a loud pop, distracting everyone’s attention as little bits of chocolate flew into inconvenient places, like hair, noses, and cleavage.

Everyone except Remus, who was blushing so badly he was having trouble remembering how to breathe.

James tackled Konstantin, grinding chocolate into the foreign boy’s hair, and Sirius took advantage of the general distraction, grabbing Remus’ hand and pulling him out of the room.

”Sirius?” Remus asked, puzzled. “Where are we going? It’s almost curfew.”

“To the Shrieking Shack. I want to show you something. Alone.”

5 – Blinding

Remus tripped on a root under the Whomping Willow, and landed on top of Sirius in the tunnel underneath, laughing. Sirius felt the jolt go straight to his cock, and he rolled them over, straddling Remus and holding him pinned to the dirt floor.

“Siri—“ Remus started to ask, the last syllable captured in Sirius’ mouth, dominated in a swift, fierce kiss. When his mouth was released, Remus stared at his friend in the darkness, shocked.

“Get up,” Sirius ordered, hauling the stunned Remus to his feet.

“Siri…“ Remus panted a little. “Sirius, you know I’m a bloke, don’t you?”

“I’m not stupid.”

“I thought you only kissed birds.”

“You’re an exception.”

“But, Siri—“

“Shut up.” Sirius pinned him against a wall of the Shack, halfway up the stairs, and kissed him again, longer this time. He ravished Remus’ mouth, then moved down to his neck, biting painfully and sucking hard, leaving vivid marks.

“Sirius, stop…” Remus whimpered, struggling with him, which only made Sirius bite harder. “That hurts! Sirius, stop!”

“I thought I told you to shut up,” Sirius panted, dragging him up the last few stairs and shoving him to the bed, straddling his lap and tugging Remus’ tie loose, opening his shirt for better access at Remus’ neck.

“Sirius, are you possessed?” Remus whimpers.

“You’re mine.” Sirius replies, kissing him. “I want to make sure you remember that, next time you go fucking someone else.” He bit down on one of Remus’s nipples.

Remus moaned. “I’m not—Sirius, what—oh fuck, Siri—Sirius, what’s wrong with you?”

Not bothering to respond, Sirius ripped Remus’ shirt off him, shoving it aside and quickly divesting himself of his own shirt.

“Siri…” Remus whispered, resisting as Sirius stripped off his pants, leaving him ass-naked and even more vulnerable. He couldn’t help watching as Sirius dropped his own pants, hardly able to believe that this was his friend Sirius, raping him, but when Sirius murmured a spell that filled his hand with a small puddle of lubricating goo, reality hit, and Remus scrambled backwards, trapped when his back hit a wall. His clenched legs were forced apart, and Sirius kissed him again, seeming to realize that it diminished Remus’ struggling, but it didn’t stop him from screaming when Sirius forced a couple of slick fingers inside. He thrashed, invaded, attempts at escape at least providing a distraction from how much it hurt. “Stop! Sirius, stop!”

“Why? You liked it when Konstantin fucked you.”

“I didn’t—Siri!” He screamed again as Sirius forced his cock inside, and the pain was suddenly familiar, a splitting crucifixion of his body feeling ripped apart. Moonlight filled the space behind his eyelids and blinded him.

“Get off me!” He shoved Sirius with an inhuman strength, out and away, and the two stared at each other, panting.

Remus grabbed his wand, pointing it at Sirius. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Moony—“

“Don’t you dare call me that! You just tried to rape me!”

“Why not me?” Sirius yelled. “You’re so willing to fuck Konstantin. Why is he so much better than me?”

“I didn’t! I was a virgin until you—“ He cut off there, leaping at Sirius and starting to pummel him. “You bloody fucking ass!”

“He told me you did,” Sirius growled, fighting back. “I know you have a crush on him.”

“He lied, and it’s none of your business who I have crushes on.”

The two of them glared at each other, panting with the exertions of fighting.

“Remus,” Sirius murmured.

Remus shoved away from him. “Why?”

“He told me he was your first,” Sirius whispered. “I was jealous. I wanted to be your first.”

“Didn’t you care what I wanted, you selfish prick?”

“Remus… I’m sorry…”

Remus didn’t respond for several minutes, curling into himself. “I was saving myself for you. I didn’t want it to be like… like this.”

Sirius was aware of the throbbing in his still-hard cock. It took a moment for the shock to hit. “Me?”

Remus ignored him.

“Rem… I… I had no idea.” He bit his lip, helpless.

“I didn’t have any reason to tell you. You’d made it pretty clear you preferred birds.”

“Well, I do. I don’t like blokes. Except for you.”

“Shut up.”

Sirius crawled closer, wrapping his arms around Remus and hugging him. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you.”

“Let me make it up to you.”

Remus hesitated. “How?”

Taking the opportunity to seduce, Sirius nuzzled his friend’s ear. “You said you wanted your first time to be with me. Let me make sure you have pleasant memories of it. I’m good.”

“With girls.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Remus still resisted, but his resolve was melting over the softer, gentler kisses Sirius was now raining on his neck and shoulders.

“Alright.” Remus moved suddenly, returning the hug, a few tears falling onto Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius lifted him carefully to the bed, and they began again, moving together this time.

6 – Retribution
Year 1, B.P.

Konstantin had backed off, after realizing that the werewolf had a mate now, and it was best for the competition to stay clear. Remus and Sirius were never a gentle couple, and it wasn’t hard for James and Peter to get used to hiding their friend’s cuts and bruises after love trysts instead of just after the full moon. The subject was never openly broached among the four of them. James had a way of understanding unspoken these things, and it wasn’t hard for Peter to follow James’ lead. After a few months of getting the cold shoulder from both Remus and Sirius, Konstantin gave up and found a new crowd. None of them really spoke again until after graduation, when Voldemort had started his war and all of them lost their last remaining vestiges of childhood.

Sirius had gone out for some necessary supplies—food and beer, mostly beer—and was cursing the clouds as he walked back through the damp to the small apartment he and Remus shared. He heard a muffled scream and reached for his wand, turning the corner to a small side street just in time to see a dark-cloaked figure, and a muggle woman’s body fall to the ground at its feet. He lifted his wand. “Don’t move.”

“Sirius. Is it Sirius?” The figure turned, pushing back his hood to reveal dark hair and sickly, too-pale skin. He wiped the blood off his lips. “You’ve grown up.”

“Konstantin.” Sirius looked down at the body then back up. “I should’ve known. You haven’t changed at all.”

“How’s Remus?”

“Well enough. Still mine.”

“Still jealous?” Konstantin smirked.

Sirius tried to remember what he’d learned of vampires, and wondered if normal curses worked on them. He hadn’t lowered his wand. “I’ll have to tell him we met. How you doing these days? Working for Voldemoron?”

“Mocking what you fear is a feeble method of self-defense.”

Sirius smirked. “I’ve been wanting to kill you for years. If you’re a Death Eater now, that only makes things easier. Avada Kedavra.”

7 – Aftermath is only the Calm Before the Next Storm

He didn’t tell Remus how Konstantin died, only left the body to be found by the authorities. Remus complained when he got home late, but Sirius just smiled and kissed him. He didn’t know how to tell Remus that he suspected he was playing two sides. Remus kept too many secrets. Sirius did the same, to protect Remus as best he could, but never realized that Remus suspected him, too. The more evidence they found to implicate each other, the more suspicious and hesitant they became, every night a haven of distrust and lies. It was only in the late mornings—Sirius always slept in—that they were still lovers, after falling asleep from the exhaustion of fighting each other. So every morning was spent the same, in denial of the world around them and the tension between them.

“Maybe just the realization that either of us could die at any moment.”

“Padfoot…” Remus set the plate aside, suddenly, and kissed him, a few tears straying down his cheeks. The words he couldn’t bear to say were etched on his heart. I suspect you, Sirius, and I’m afraid that if I tell you my suspicions you’ll kill me, but I’d rather die in your arms than go on living this lie… “I hate you.”

The kiss became fiercer, more desperate, and as much as they hated each other’s betrayal, neither one could bear to confess, if it meant losing the last piece of happiness they had. As long as they could go on like this, in denial, at least they wouldn’t have to part.

“I hate you, Padfoot,” Remus whispered, wishing he could say how much he hated himself. “I hate you.”