The Hole in the Wall

~The Hole in the Wall~

The first time Remus caught Peter watching James and Sirius having sex, he silently backed away, wondering vaguely if other groups of friends at Hogwarts, walking through the halls talking and laughing together, were secretly as fucked up as the four of them were.

The second time, he figured he had better say something.

“Peter,” he called quietly, standing behind the boy crouched before a small hole in the wall of the fifth-floor corridor – the one with the troll portraits that threw rocks at passers-by, the one that no one ever went down for that reason. “The Room of Requirement was not intended for you to require voyeurism of your best friends in order to get off.”

Peter jumped up, tripping over his own feet and just catching himself before falling completely backwards. His face was flushed and his small pupils darted back and forth. Remus kept his eyes on Peter’s face, suspecting quite rightly that this peeping tom business had produced a huge erection between his friend’s legs, and he prayed to all gods in this world and the next that he would not have to see it. Don’t look down, he told himself. Do not, under any circumstances, look down. He could tell that Peter was trying to do some quick thinking. He sighed. Not Peter’s strong suit.

“Peter. You are being a pervert. Would you leave them alone, for Merlin’s sake?”

“D- don’t know what you mean, Remus. I was just- erm, I dropped something- on the ground- I was just trying to find it- very small - ”

A muffled groan came resounding out from the small hole in the wall at that moment. Peter turned back to look, while Remus arched an eyebrow.

“Oh fuck yeah,” they heard someone whisper urgently. Probably Sirius, Remus thought; he didn’t figure James for much of a groaner. But then again, what did he know?

Peter slowly turned back to Remus, his face bright red. “Look, I saw them sneaking off. I just wanted to see where they were going, is all,” he said very quickly, avoiding Remus’s eyes. “Like with you, remember?” He perked up, obviously believing he had hit on an explanation that Remus would accept. “Remember, Remus? Before, when you would go to the Shack, and we didn’t know, and we were worried about you?”

Remus crossed his arms and glared at Peter, who kept talking rapidly.

“A- and we were worried, so we followed… to see what you… to help you. Remember, Remus?”

“I remember,” said Remus bemusedly. “You are an excellent friend, Peter.”

Peter shifted uncomfortably, glancing back at the wall.

“Now, Potter!” An urgent voice again floated through it. “Put your cock in my mouth or I’ll fucking kill you!”

Yep, Remus thought, his suspicions confirmed. Sirius the great smut talker. He suppressed a wry grin.

He looked back at Peter just in time to catch the other boy’s hand slowly drifting – subconsciously, Remus supposed – to his own groin. “Peter!” Remus whispered furiously. “So help me gods, if you beat off here in front of me I will fucking kill you.”

But Peter just grinned, apparently having decided to change tacks. “You want a peek?” he asked mischievously, nodding towards the hole in the wall. “Come on, Remus. You know you’re curious.”

Remus considered this. It was true. He was curious. James and Sirius were by far the best-looking, most dynamic and charismatic students at Hogwarts. Not to mention the fact that they had a chemistry between them that made the air around them crackle with an intensity that announced loud and clear to anyone who was paying attention that these two were not to be mistaken for brothers, or just good buddies. Fortunately for them, not many people seemed to pay attention. They radiated erotic energy; Remus could smell it on them. He had known the two of them were destined to fuck each other, probably before they had known it themselves – before this ridiculous plan had ever been formulated. Call it a wolf’s intuition.

Yes, it would be rather nice to watch those two go at it, Remus decided, except for the minor detail about him having promised Sirius that whatever happened, whatever weird turn things might take, he would not watch. He sighed. Fucking James, with his Head Boy badge and his Quidditch captaincy and his perfect girlfriend. He didn’t deserve any of it; he was just as fallible as the rest of them. Someone really needed to teach him that.

Remus turned away from the wall, not particularly wishing to be Peter’s dirty accomplice in this, especially since he suspected Peter would want to do something vile like jerking each other off, and Remus did not have the patience for that right now. At age seventeen, he was fairly certain that his sexuality could best be described as… flexible. Peter, however, did not fall into any of the broad categories of people he found attractive.

“Come on, Remus,” Peter’s voice cut into his thoughts. “They’re almost done. Do you want to look or not?” He turned back to peer through the hole. “Merlin’s fucking beard, Sirius has the biggest cock I’ve ever seen…”

Oh, for the love of all things holy in all institutions of religious belief in Muggle and Wizarding worlds alike. This was wrong and disgusting, he knew, but compared to all the other wrong and disgusting things he had been doing lately, this one really would not put him over the edge. “Oh fine,” he muttered to Peter, shoving him aside and slowly crouching down in front of the hole in the wall, peering through to the room inside.

He immediately wished he hadn’t.

James was on all fours, on a dusty mattress. No sheets, no pillows, no headboard; the room held only the bare box spring, a faded greyish-brown, with springs unfurling from the sides. The room was otherwise empty, apart from a leather coil on the floor and a pitcher of water on a table in the corner.

Apparently, Remus thought to himself, his friends did not in fact require very much to have a good time. Ambience be damned; give them a ratty old mattress in the middle of a private room, and they were good to go.

And go they were.

James’s arms were stretched over his head, his hips in the air. Sirius was behind him, kneeling, rough hands grabbing hips, bodies thrusting, box spring squeaking. James’s purple erection bobbed beneath him as Sirius slammed into his arse, again and again and again.

From the angle of his view, Remus could see Sirius’s cock as it almost completely withdrew from James before thrusting back in. Peter was right, he thought wryly. Sirius was huge. Remus felt a wave of jealousy well up in his chest as his mind flashed back to nights when that particularly well-endowed member had been in his hand, his mouth, his arse. His eyes narrowed.

“Padfoot,” James was panting, “Touch my cock or I’m leaving, I swear to Merlin…”

“Oh yeah?” Sirius growled, his breath catching. “You aren’t going anywhere, stag.” He reached around and grabbed James’s erection, stroking firmly.

“Aaahh!” James cried out incoherently. “Fuck, Sirius, just… ah… fuck.” His voice trailed off into moans as he came hard into Sirius’s fist.

Remus licked his lips, waiting for Sirius’s climax to follow. Do it, Padfoot, he thought menacingly. I’m watching.

But before he could watch any more of it, he suddenly hit the ground with a dull thud. His head swirled around. “Peter! For fuck’s sake - ”

“Shut up!” Peter whispered fiercely. “It’s my turn.”

“Fine,” Remus spat. He got up and straightened his robes. “But may I remind you that these are your friends, you idiot, not your own private porno film. Get the hell out of here, or I will tell them you’ve been watching.”

Peter’s head snapped up. “You wouldn’t.”

“I would. You’re being a wanker. They have a right to know.”

Peter got to his feet. He was slightly smaller than Remus, but much more menacing when angered. Remus stepped back. “You will not tell them anything, Moony, because if you do, I will tell them that among the other delightful sights I have seen with this - ” he reached down and plucked the small hole off the wall, leaving a faint circle of blue mist which promptly vanished - “is you and Lily.”

Remus stared. “A Portable Eye?” he asked, hoping that he sounded suitably amazed. “Where did you get one of those? They cost a fortune.”

“Nevermind where I got it. I have it, that’s all that matters, and I know a lot, Remus, more than you think I know. A- and I’ll tell James! If you tell him about this, I’ll tell him about you! I swear I will!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Peter. Why would you tell James about me, and not tell Lily about Sirius? Have you not thought this through?” Honestly. It was like scheming with helpless infants, trying to get anything done around here.

“Because - ”

A door clicked open behind them.

“Quick!” Remus whispered, as he and Peter dashed around the nearest corner just as James and Sirius came strolling out of the Room of Requirement, not even bothering to look for witnesses in the corridor. They immediately went in two different directions, not speaking to one another. After a few minutes, Remus and Peter started towards the Gryffindor common room, not speaking to each other either.


*********************************************


Later that week, sitting on the shore of the lake with Sirius, pretending to study Transfiguration, a question occurred to Remus. “Why did you let him come first?” he asked accusingly. “You hate that.”

Sirius stopped throwing pebbles at the Giant Squid and turned to Remus. “No, I don’t. Not with him I don’t. And besides, it’s impossible for him not to. He doesn’t have nearly the stamina that you do.”

Remus considered this, then carefully filed it away in that section of his brain reserved for Sirius’s Bullshit. It was getting full. “Whatever. The point is, you have to get that Portable Eye back from Peter. He’s heinously abusing it.”

Sirius ran a hand through his dark hair and playfully reached out to take a swipe at Remus’s leg. “He is, or you are?” he asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Ha ha,” Remus deadpanned. “I told you, I only looked once, but I’ve seen him doing it all the time. He’s not supposed to be using you for his own private porn kick, you know. He’s supposed to be running straight to Lily.”

“Yeah.” Sirius scratched the back of his neck, pondering this. “But come on. We put on a damn good show, me and Prongs. If you had access to that regularly, would you give it up?”

“I do have access to that regularly, you idiot, or your half of it at least,” Remus muttered. “Except I don’t, because you’re being a fucker and making me eat pussy instead of what I really want.” He lay down on his back in the grass, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Oh yeah?” Sirius mocked. “Poor Moony! Forced to bed the prettiest girl in school, when all he wants is Padfoot’s cock.”

Remus reached out and hit him hard on the arm.

“Ow!” Sirius fell backwards, grabbing Remus as he went. “You’ll pay for that, wolf,” he growled hotly in Remus’s ear. He rolled on top of Remus and placed his hands on either side of the other boy’s head. He bent down and nibbled playfully at the neck beneath him, licking up to Remus’s ear, then moving across to claim those full lips. “Mmm, stubble,” he groaned. “James couldn’t grow a beard if he tried. You know how I love facial hair, Moony…” He bent again for a kiss, but Remus rolled out from under him.

“Remind me again why we’re doing this?” Remus asked, sitting up and clearing the grass out of his hair.

Sirius looked cross. “Moony! We’ve been through this a million times! This is the only way to get rid of Lily for good. It’s a foolproof plan, and it’s already working marvellously!”

“‘Plan’? This is no ‘plan’! I fuck Lily. You fuck James. Peter rats everyone out – pardon the pun - ”

“Naturally.”

“ - and somehow our Lily-less selves live happily ever after.”

“Right. That’s the plan.” Sirius nodded. “See? It’s perfect!”

“It’s a Shakespeare knock-off, that’s what it is,” Remus muttered to himself.

“What?” Sirius leaned forward.

“A Muggle poet,” said Remus more clearly. “All we need now is a pair of ass ears and a guy named Iago.”

“I think the guy that sells dragon’s eggs at the Hog’s Head is named Iago,” said Sirius thoughtfully.

Remus closed his eyes. “Gods, I hate you sometimes,” he sighed.

Sirius glared at him.

“Look, all I’m saying is, I detest Princess Lily as much as you do. She’s interrupted all of our Prongs time, from moonlit romps in the forest to locker room wank sessions. But this plan to break them up is not working! They aren’t even suspicious of each other.” Remus flopped back down on the grass, rubbing his temples. Evil scheming really was not his strong suit, emotionally – despite, he had to admit, having immense intellectual facility for it.

“It’ll work, Moony,” Sirius insisted. “Trust me.”


*********************************************


Lily was getting to be more trouble than she was worth, Remus couldn’t help thinking as they lay tangled together the next night, chests heaving with recent exertion.

“I just don’t know what to do, Remus,” she was saying. “I love James, I do, but with you I feel… I just… I think about you too much…”

“Shhh…” Remus placed a finger on her rosy lips to silence her, silently vowing to kill Sirius for putting him here. “Shh. It’s all right, Lily. I know.”

“You do?” she asked, lifting her head and gazing at him with those big green eyes. “Then you too? You feel it… you feel - ”

He kissed her. Merlin’s elbow, why was she talking like this? He thought of Sirius, who could climax and fall fast asleep in the span of approximately twenty seconds. That was the way it should be, Remus thought as he pushed his tongue into Lily’s mouth to keep her from doing something ridiculous like confess that she was in love with him. He finally broke it off and traced a finger up her cheek.

“James doesn’t deserve you,” he said softly. “Neither do I. You’re just too perfect, Lily. You deserve better than either of us. Much better.”

“Oh, Remus,” she whispered.

Well done, young man! He mentally congratulated himself. Women were an awful lot of trouble, but they seemed placated easily enough if you continually fed them a crock of bull about how perfect they were. He grimaced as he held her to his chest. Ugh, she was such a snuggler. He had long since concluded that snuggling was a vile, useless activity. He could put up with the sex, certainly. Lily was very beautiful and had a body the other girls would kill for. This did not escape Remus’s notice, not by any means. But she would not. Stop. Snuggling.

Well, he decided, since Sirius didn’t exactly have the free time to open his legs for him these days, he might as well get as much from Lily as he could. At the very least, if he tried for another round tonight she might quit with this incessant mauling while he was trying to sleep. He needed some new lines, though, and he momentarily wracked his brain for old come-ons that Sirius had used – with relative success, at that – on him in the past.

“Come here, baby,” he groaned softly, bringing a hand up to her face and looking deep into her emerald eyes. “You’re getting married soon, and after that it’ll be one cock for the rest of your life. Might as well get your fill of mine while you can.” He cringed at the words coming out of his mouth, and briefly wondered exactly how Sirius was able to get away with bullshit lines like that, but then decided that if he was going to keep this erection, he’d have to push the bad-Sirius thoughts out of his head and recall the good-Sirius thoughts. The ones in which his trusty fuck-buddy put a killer Silencing Charm around his four-poster and proceeded to moan and lick and grind his way up and down Remus’s body until they both came hard and fast, screaming phrases at each other that would surely bring out a blush in even the most experienced porn stars.

Mmm. What? – Remus came back to his senses and realised he was still snuggling with Lily. Merlin’s substantial erection. Moreover, she was droning on about something, but he hadn’t been listening. Damn. He made sure the sexy-Sirius thoughts were still lodged firmly in the front of his brain, then rolled over onto Lily and stuck his tongue as far down her throat as he could.

She giggled when he came up for air. “Oooh, someone is feeling randy again,” she cooed. “Why don’t you put that talented mouth to use somewhere else, hmm?”

Remus smiled weakly at her. “Mmm,” he muttered neutrally, cursing Sirius yet again. Fucking hell, he should have known better than to try for round two; she always deflected those attempts, relegating him to the peripheral hellish world of cunnilingus. He grimaced as he scooted down the bed, settled his head between her legs, and darted his tongue out experimentally.

All right, he conceded after a few licks – it was never as bad as he anticipated. But it was no Sirius, either, and that was for damn certain. He trained his mind on Sirius’s long length, even as he lapped up Lily’s juices; he focused his thoughts on swirling his tongue around the tip of Sirius’s pulsing erection, even as he laved Lily’s clitoris; he concentrated his imagination on swallowing Sirius whole, in one smooth, deep gulp, of sucking the come out of him until he was left dry and panting… and before he knew it, Lily was clutching the bed sheets in her fists and shouting his name, her insides throbbing against his lips.

As he resigned himself to another round of cuddling, one arm draped lazily over Lily’s naked breasts, troubled thoughts entered his mind – memories of what he had seen of Sirius ravaging James on that ratty mattress, of Sirius moaning and thrashing and calling out his name, not Remus’s. He frowned and closed his eyes, determined to will the lurid thoughts away through attempts at slumber.

He therefore didn’t notice the tiny glint in Lily’s trademark eyes, as she gazed over his chest at the plaster wall on the other side of the room. Squinting, she could just make out a faint blue circle of mist, near the floor. She smiled softly to herself and closed her eyes, running a finger casually through Remus’s chest hair before dozing off.


*********************************************


“Again?! Peter, you whoring, disgusting little voyeur!” Remus made a face as he rounded the fifth-floor corridor, dodging a substantial rock lobbed by a troll, and found his friend crouched in front of the Portable Eye yet again.

Peter didn’t even turn around this time. “Oh, pipe down, Moony, and stop acting so surprised. You know exactly where I got this from, and why I’m using it.”

“Is that so?” asked Remus, crossing his arms over his chest and standing directly behind Peter. “Enlighten me anyway.”

Peter reluctantly turned around, furrowing his eyebrows. “Moony, if you make me miss the come shot while I explain petty things to you, I will not forgive you for a long time.”

Oh please. “Explain,” Remus pressed.

“Fuck, Padfoot, I can’t wait – ahh – ahh! Oh gods, fuck – harder! Ahhhh…”

They both looked back at the wall, then Peter got up and glared menacingly at Remus. “Thanks a lot, jackass – you made me miss it!” He reached down and plucked the Eye off the wall, relishing the tiny pop it made.

Remus just sighed and looked expectantly at Peter.

“Fine,” Peter conceded. “I know Sirius left it out for me, in the Tower. I know he wanted me to find it and use it to spy on them.”

Not bad, Remus thought. But something still wasn’t right. “Why?”

Peter swallowed. “To tell you. To make you jealous.”

Ah, of course. Remus shook his head at his friend’s naiveté, and decided to walk him through the basics of the issue. “What about Lily, Pete? Don’t you think you were maybe supposed to tell Lily, to make her jealous?”

Peter considered this, then shook his head. “No. James just told me to watch, and then to tell you about it – or better yet, to make you watch, too.”

Remus’s mouth dropped open. James told him what?! He became ever-so-slightly nervous about the possibility that there was more to this plan than he’d been told… that maybe his role as mastermind had been secretly supplanted by a superior grand poo-bah of evil scheming. “Peter,” he began evenly, “where did you get that Eye?”

Before Peter could answer, a new voice stepped into the corridor. “I made it.”

Remus and Peter whirled around. James was walking towards them, hands in his pockets, a look of triumph on his face. Sirius was leaning casually against the doorway of the Room of Requirement, his arms crossed over his chest, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

“I read up on them, talked to Professor Flitwick about them – all as a matter of academic interest, of course – then I tried out a few charms, and bingo, I got it right.”

Remus gaped. “‘Bingo’? Prongs, I don’t like to boast, as you know, but I do have a fairly elevated intellect myself, and I cannot fathom making a Portable Eye in my spare time.”

James’s eyes glittered. “No, because as I understand it - ” he glanced back at Peter - “in your spare time you’ve been plugging my girlfriend.”

Ah. Remus sighed, then brought a hand up and rubbed his temples. Fine, he decided after a moment. If the jig was up, the jig was going to be hugely, flamingly, spectacularly up. And if he was going down, he would be damned if he was going alone.

He turned to Sirius expectantly. “A little help here, please?”

Sirius looked startled. He uncrossed his feet and pushed away from the doorframe he had been leaning so casually against. He stared at Remus. “What?” he said shortly.

“What?” Remus mimicked, rolling his eyes. “This is the part of the deal, dear Padfoot, where you explain to poor James why you paid me to- what was that eloquent phrase? Ah yes- ‘plug’ his girlfriend.”

James’s eyes widened, then turned to ice. He looked at Sirius. “You did what?”

“Oh come on, Prongs,” Sirius tried to joke, a hint of nervousness in his voice. “What’s the big deal? You’re done with her anyway, right? You’ve got me now.” He sauntered up the hall towards James, a hand on his hip and a smile playing at his lips.

“What?!” Remus turned on Sirius, eyes blazing.

“What?!” echoed James, backing away apprehensively.

Sirius’s face fell. Remus watched him closely, realising with horror that this had been no harmless game, that Sirius actually wanted James. His stomach turned over and his hands balled into fists at his sides. Bastard.

“For Merlin’s sake, Sirius, this is just… you know…” He gestured to the now-hidden Room of Requirement. “I’m not through with Lily! I can’t believe you would pay Moony to - ”

“Well,” Sirius spat through gritted teeth, “I had some spare cash lying around.”

Ah, Remus bit his lower lip. That. He wondered if there was any chance he could make a run for it right now without anyone noticing.

“It’s called ‘hush money,’ you great raving idiot, because no one is supposed to know about it,” James was whispering to Sirius.

Peter stepped forward then. Remus looked up, startled; he had forgotten bloody Peter was still there. “Erm, James?” he began nervously.

James whirled around. Apparently he had forgotten Peter’s presence as well.

“Ah, I mean, well- with all due respect, um, if this is about the Prophecy, then, well, everyone already knows about it.”

Remus closed his eyes. Merlin’s constricting trousers, he thought. Was there nothing that kid could keep to himself?

“Everyone knows?!” James spluttered. “Sirius!” he turned back to Sirius, still hovering halfway down the corridor. “You said if I- if we - ” he jabbed his finger towards the Room of Requirement again “ - if … then you would shut your fucking mouth about Trelawney’s rubbish!”

“That, and a nice monetary sum, that’s right,” Sirius confirmed, anger welling in his chest as Remus watched him stride towards them down the corridor. “Except, you fucking skirt-chaser, you were also supposed to give up Lily. What, you want that prophecy to come true? You want to spawn some devil child to serve the bloody Dark Lord?”

“I thought no one called him that but his Death Eaters?” Peter wondered aloud, his small voice drifting across the now-silent hallway.

Remus kicked him. “Shut up, Wormtail!” he hissed. Somehow, somewhere along the line, the plan had unravelled. He had known about it all, of course – about how Sirius had overheard Dumbledore telling James about the Prophecy, which, according to Sirius’s ears, had James and Lily producing a kid next year whose powers would rival Voldemort’s. About how Sirius decided James should give him money to keep that information quiet, money that Sirius, in loyalty to their relationship, then passed on to Remus, who needed it. How in return for the money, Remus had to agree to seduce Lily, to keep her from – what was that phrase? – ah yes, spawning some Dark Lord devil child.

It was all for the good of the team, really – Remus had reasoned it all out many times. Yes, if the Order needed him to slip between the sheets with the Head Girl in order to prevent the rise of a second Voldemort, well then, he could certainly oblige. It wasn’t his favourite activity in the world, but it was no full moon, either. Not that the Order had asked, of course, but, well, you know, just trying to help out and all. And, as an added bonus, the mad illicit sex would force the dynamic duo to split, and the Marauders would be back to four again. Remus glanced briefly at Peter and wrinkled his nose. Three would have been better, but that was a plan for another day.

What he hadn’t known about, however, was the part where Sirius forced James into sex in exchange for his silence, which of course he hadn’t kept, and then, most of all, the part where Sirius fell for James.

Bastard.

He could deal with having sex with Lily, he could even deal with Sirius having sex with James. Bodies were bodies, what did it matter? But none of it was supposed to be serious. They were just supposed to break up the nauseatingly happy couple, that was all. Oh, what tangled webs we weave, he thought wryly to himself, when at first we… get involved with that lying, cheating, scoundrel Sirius.

“Let me guess, darling,” a new, female voice whispered suddenly in his ear. “Right about now you’re cursing yourself for ever getting involved with a prick like that.”

“Literally and figuratively, yes.” He turned to the newcomer. “So I suppose you’re telling me you had something to do with this?”

The others had fallen silent when Lily appeared, and now she glanced flirtatiously between each of them before wrapping her arms around Remus and giving him a deep kiss.

He felt an embarrassing stirring in his groin even as he tried to resist her.

“Gah, Lily!” He finally pushed her away, wiping his mouth dramatically with the back of his hand, his gaze darting to James. “How disgusting! What on earth led you to believe you should do that?”

Lily grinned and snaked her arms around his neck. “Oh, I think you enjoyed that very much, my horny werewolf, very much indeed. I think you enjoy me very much,” she added.

Remus’s head popped off then, and he vaguely wondered if he would ever be able to catch it before it rolled off into a gutter somewhere, forcing him to live quite literally, not just impressionistically, by the decisions of his prick.

James spoke up from across the hall. “Looks like love to me,” he called to Lily, a curious gleam in his eyes.

She grinned and detached herself from Remus. “Oh yes, quite,” she told them. “This one here has been in love with me for some time now, I’m sure. He’s always blithering on about it when we’re in bed.”

What?!

She strolled over to Sirius, whose eyes had gone wide, then placed a forefinger in the middle of his chest and traced it slowly down to his navel. “Oh yes,” she breathed. “ ‘Padfoot’s got nothing on you, Lil,’ he tells me all the time. ‘Why would I go in for his limp cock when I can have your delicious pussy?’ ”

Well, Remus thought regretfully, watching his own severed head roll off down the hallway, his balls not far behind, that about dooms me to hell. Sexless hell, at that.

“Moony, what the fuck is this?!” Sirius steamed. “You told me you could barely stand her, that you were just doing her for the money… for me… to split them up!”

Lily raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“Fuck off, Padfoot – I meant what I said! You’re going to believe her over me? And anyway, what do you care? Sounds like you were trying to leave me for him!” He jerked his head at James, whose devious grin matched Lily’s.

“Now, now, friends,” James began calmly, placing an arm around Lily and kissing the top of her head. “One wouldn’t want what is undoubtedly an immensely fulfilling sexual and emotional relationship to go up in smoke over a trifle bit of infidelity, would one?”


Remus’s mouth dropped open. Ah, he thought, of course. Leave it to the Head Boy and Girl to see right through an amateur nefarious plot against them and turn it to their own advantage.

“Yes, one would,” Sirius fumed, evidently not catching on to the fact that a new batch of rogue trickery had just overturned his own cauldron of wicked scheming. “Go fuck yourself, Moony. You’ll never get it better than you had with me, not even with that twat.” He jabbed a thumb at Lily, then turned on his heel and stormed off down the corridor.

Ouch. Remus winced and wondered vacantly if there was still any way of salvaging the original plan. Wait, what was the original plan again? Damn it, he was simply insufficiently evil for these sorts of things. He closed his eyes briefly and concentrated. What would Iago do?

“Sorry, chap.” James sneered at him with false joviality. “I guess it’s just not a good idea to fuck with us, yeah? And besides, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of you since you started shagging that git – thought it was time to put a stop to it.”

Iago would cut his losses and hightail it out of there, Remus decided. “Mm-hmm.” He opened his eyes again and nodded solemnly at the happy couple. Nobody spoke for a long minute as Remus appraised the two of them with narrowed eyes. Finally, he sighed with resignation. “See you at the wedding, then?”

James chuckled and started off down the corridor, his arm still protectively wrapped around Lily’s shoulders. “August eighth,” he called behind him. “Don’t forget your bow tie.”

“Oh, here, Remus - ” Lily turned and flicked a small, coin-like object through the air at him. “We won’t be needing this anymore.” She laughed and snuggled up to James as they disappeared around a corner.

Left in the empty corridor, Remus turned and saw that Peter was still standing a few feet away, his eyes darting around as though his brain was working very hard indeed to process all that he’d just seen.

“So…” he glanced nervously at the Eye in Remus’s hand and licked his lips. “What do we do with that thing now?”

Remus sighed. “Peter, if you think I’m going to give you this thing so that you can spy on Flitwick in the shower or something, you are gravely mistaken.”

But Peter just grinned, glancing up and down the corridor for eavesdroppers. “What about using it to spy on Sirius in the shower?”

“Wormtail, I swear to the gods I’ll rip your dick off right here if you don’t stop being such an outrageous pervert.”

“Oh, come on, Moony! It’s not like you can have sex with him anymore – or with Lily for that matter - ”

“Yes, Peter, I realise that; thank you so very much for pointing it out for the idiots among us.”

“Well, then – how else are you going to get your fix, if not with this?” He nodded towards the object still clutched in Remus’s palm and bit his lip to contain his excitement.

Remus considered the point; the kid might have something of an argument there, it seemed. Oh, what the hell. It wasn’t as though he had many options left – nor, for that matter, many scruples. “Oh, all right. But if you wank in front of me I really will tear your balls off…”

They set off down the hall, Remus still flipping the Eye casually up in the air and catching it, Peter droning on and on about how big Sirius’s cock was.

No, Remus decided as they headed for the boys’ locker rooms: there definitely could not possibly be any group of friends at Hogwarts that was as fucked up as the four – no, five – of them were. Definitely not.


THE END