Ten Years After

TITLE: Ten Years After

AUTHOR: Lady Sirius

PAIRING: SB/RL


FEEDBACK: darklove_zorg@yahoo.com

DISCLAIMER: Of course all rights to Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling
- I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!)


DEDICATION: To my glorious, talented, wondrous and everlastingly sexy
inspiration - Gary Oldman. And it is also dedicated to my good friend
Kitty - she is the Remus to my Sirius in our rpgs, and has inspired me
to write about their love.

Ten Years After


Ten years - to some a long period of time. An entire decade. A period during which many new lives have been brought into the world, and many others taken. World leaders have come and gone. New inventions to replace the old ones - innovations, changes - the dizzying rush of humanity on its way from one place to the next. But to me, it seems to have passed in the blink of an eye, a mere moment, a terrible instant. One moment he was there, the next he was gone. And nothing has been the same ever since.

Ten years. Ten years tonight, in fact. And I sit on the ground near the Whomping Willow, remembering - no reason to go inside now, to take that trek to the Shrieking Shack, for he is not there and never will be again. And nothing else really matters.

Every year on this date, I return to Hogwarts and remember Sirius. Not that I don’t remember him the other 364 days of the year - of course I do. Every waking minute of every painfilled day, and each moment of the night too. His vision is always before me in one form or another. Sometimes it is the young boy who entertained us all with his high spirits and his mischievous nature. Sometimes it is the sexy young man who loved me more than anything, and whom I adored with all my heart. Or the proud godfather as he held the young baby Harry, so tickled to be asked to be a part of his life. He was always full of life, was my Sirius. And full of love. The worst image of all, though, is the final one - that heartbreaking tableau frozen into my mind when Bellatrix caught him with her curse - the intense look of surprise on his still handsome face, before he fell from view, forever.

After his death, I wanted to leave the Order - didn’t want any more to do with the fight, but Tonks persuaded me to stay on. She told me that if I quit, then Sirius’ death would mean nothing, and so I agreed to continue. But my heart wasn’t in it. My heart was with Sirius, forever and always.

So much has happened in those last ten years - I wish that I could share it all with him. Harry has married Ginny Weasley, and they have a baby boy - they named him Sirius, and he is the most beautiful child I have ever seen. I visit the happy couple whenever I can, and sometimes I just sit and play with Sirius and let the hours slip away. Tonks too is married, happily so. She and I have remained close. Sometimes we go together to Grimmauld Place to see Harry - Harry having received the house in Sirius’ will. And although it’s painful in many ways, it also holds its pleasant memories - of the time we spent together there after his escape from Azkaban, when he was forced to hide there, a wanted man. Where we rediscovered and renewed our love. Little did we know then that our time together was to be so very short. Ron and Hermione too have tied the knot. I am happy for them all, for to be with the one you love is a treasure beyond price, and greatly to be valued.

Sometimes I go back to Hogwarts and wander the grounds, smile at the new students, and remember when Sirius and I were there, and he was the cock of the walk - the sexy young boy that made heads turn wherever he went - male and female. I was so proud of him, proud to be seen with him, even though none there were that knew that we were actually together. Not even James or Lily or Peter. Lily might have suspected - she was ever the bright young witch - but she never said a word, never criticized. I visit the places that Sirius and I were together, and I have to smile to myself at the eagerness, the impatience of new love, young love. Such a sweet love as we had, never to be seen again. And then I usually end up with Albus - taking tea in his office, and passing the time of day.

And what of me? What did I do after that fateful day in the Department of Mysteries? After I stopped Harry from trying to go after Sirius into the veil - the hardest thing I ever had to do - and convince him that it was no use?

I carried on, of course - I existed and went about the course of my daily existence. But I stopped actually living. Not in any accepted sense of the word, that is. I breathe, I move - I do all the things which are expected of me. Including my once a month stint as a werewolf. That hasn’t changed, of course.

So here I sit now, on the tenth anniversary of his passing, remembering Sirius, and thinking of how very much I loved him - and love him still.
Nothing has ever changed that, and nothing will.

If death is the final journey, then hasten my steps
That I may travel with my beloved
And seek a place where we may be together
Beyond the limits of this weary world,
Where life and death mingle as one
And we may be together evermore.
Sirius, my beloved, I see your face
Before me, in every aspect of my life
And in my heart - this heart which yearns for you.
For in my heart you shall continue to live forever.
And when my time does come, I shall go to you,
And we shall be together evermore.

Remus J. Lupin