The Illicit Affairs of a Mary-Sue

Ding Dong the Bitch is Gone: The Illicit Affairs of a Mary-Sue

Authors: MansionsOfDarkness and killerthecat

Disclaimer: Severus Snape, Hogwarts, and all related characters/entities are copyright Jo Rowling, Scholastic Books, Warner Bros., and a slew of other things. They aren't ours, though if we had to claim something as being ours, Brittney Snape and Malachai Tomaren are ours. This is a work of fan fiction and no moolah is being made off this crazy shit.

A/N: this is actually pretty tame, but I'm going to make sure that everyone realizes this is a humor parody with a slash pairing in it. We love to hate Mary-Sues, and even better, love to mock them. That is what this is. Also, the OMC Malachai Tomaren is better found in "Another Year, Another DADA Professor by MansionsOfDarkness", so check that out if you like. He's not so Gary-Stu-ish in that fic.

If anyone's still reading, enjoy!


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The dungeons of Hogwarts are a vast and lonely place, filled with large vaulted chambers that interconnect via a confusing maze of spider web corridors that rarely see visitors past curfew. But tonight, a lone girl walks the hallways, alternately skipping and trotting as she moves with clear determination towards her goal: the nighttime resting place of Severus Snape.

She is.. Brittney Snape. Kin to Severus, only seventeen, though heiress to the vast Snape fortune. A sharp dresser and natural beauty. And totally in love with her Uncle Severus.

The only problem is, she doesn't know where the nighttime resting place of Severus Snape is. If she were smarter, she might've thought to check on that before wandering the hallways like a lost puppy far from home. She might've procured for herself a set of directions from one of the castle's occupants, or perhaps even found a map.

Since this particular perky girl is Brittney Snape, however, these things were not considered.

Luckily for our heroine, the Vampire living in these dungeons suffers from reverse insomnia: though he must teach students during the day and try to sleep at night, he has failed miserably. Tonight, he wanders just as she does, though he does not stray far from one door in particular. The one with "Severus Snape" engraved in fancy gothic script into the steel plate bolted to it at eye level.

The one Britts bes been passing by curelessly all evening.

Finally, her pride has gotten the better of her, and Brittney approaches the ashen-faced specter clad unoriginally in black. He stops pacing as she nears, something akin to horror on his face, though that might be attributed to some other random thing. For certainly, no monster such as this would look with anything shof wof wonder and awe at the blonde-haired beauty swathed in pink silk that deigns to cough politely in his general direction.

"Hi! I'm looking for Severus Snape!" the blonde girl asserts without preamble.

The Vampire stares at her for a long moment, as if unable to decide whether to answer or flee..

"SEV-OR-OS SN-AE-PE!" Brittney tries again, in case he's foreign. He looks foreign. Very pale, and skinny, and.. wan.

The Vampire makes an annoyed sound in his throat. "Well, he's sleeping now. Or at least, he was."

Brittney delightedly responds in her squeakiest happy voice, "Perfect!" She sounds quite breathless, too, because frankly she is. She's been wandering for hours. A lesser girl so clearly out of shape might've been reduced to sweating, but Brittney doesn't have to, because she is blonde and pretty. That's how things work, you see.

"I want to surprise him! How can I go in undetected?!"

The monster before her is very still. Like, she is fairly sure that living people tend to breathe. But she knows what he is, because she knows everything about the wizarding world, including weird non-human things that look human and can speak but don't move or breathe.

Finally, and very slowly, he raises his eyebrows. "Why don't you meld with the shadows and slip in under the door?" he asks, as if she is very foolish for not thinking of it herself.

Brittney flips her shiny blonde hair because not enough attention is being drawn to it in the story. "Hell-oh! Human here! Can't become icky shadow!" Honestly. Some monsters just have no sense at all.

The Vampire before her looks at a loss. He raises his hands slowly, as if doing anything quickly would hurt too much. "Well.. why don't you try.. kicking in the door?"

Brittney smartly rolls her azure-blue eyes with much intelligence. "Umm, he might notice that! Duh!"

Lifting his chin carefully, the monster stares expectantly up at the ceiling for a moment. When nothing happens, he looks back down at her, with an expression of confusion. He is very tall, Brittney notices. But then, she is a small, petite thing. "You could glue the pieces back together afterwards."

Sighing, Brittney places one small hand on a curvy hip. Pink silk rustles.. silkily. "But wouldn't that be a little loud, anyway?!" Some people, she realizes, are really un-smart.

"Maybe. Shut up," the Vampire sulks. Apparently, monsters have mood swings.

"I tell you what, why don't you slip under the door as a shadow, and let me in that way?!" Brittney explains slowly, her voice lilting upwards at the end as her plan comes to its dramatic conclusion.

"What's in it for me?" The Vampire is back to looking really expressionless.

He stares down at Brittney's glowing, human skin, which he is surely envying most grievously in this moment, because all un-dead people naturally would. It would be silly to think that they might actually enjoy being what they are. Brittney pauses for a moment of pity, and wipes a small diamond-ish tear from the corner of her eye.

Then she remembers that she was asked a question. "Huh?!"

Lips twisting in what is obviously a bitter frown of jealousy, the monster repeats himself. "What's in it for me."

"Ohhhh!" Yes, that's right! Brittney must not forget her true purpose! "..Oh! I'll let you hold Sevie down while I rape him!"

The Vampire lets loose with a small movement whereabouts his shoulder should be. Almost like a shrug. But creepy monsters don't shrug, because that would be humanizing them. And they aren't human, even though they were. It's complicated. "Okay."

The movement comes so suddenly it seems violent. The monster's black-clad form whirls in on itself in a funnel of black robes, twisting rapidly smaller and smaller until it winks out of existence, and only the shadow behind it remains.

The shadow that is using itself to make duck puppets on the wall.

"Hey! Focus!" Brittney reminds him sternly, a matronly air about her thin seventeen year old shoulders.

"Right. Sorry." The shadow nods to her, then melts into a dark puddle of non-light on the floor, and seeps under Severus' door.

Ohh. So that's where hoom oom is. Right in front of her.

There are a few dull thunking sounds, then the quiet click of a lock being turned, and the door creaks outwards.

"yay!" Brittney whispers in her quietest shout, then tippy-toes into the room. Instantly, she spies the slumbering form of her very favoritest Uncle in his large four poster bed with the carved wooden serpents.

The Vampire, now back to his old physical self, discreetly places a bucket in front of her to catch the drool tumbling from her pink pearlescent lips, and calls fondly, "Wakey wakey, Sunshine! There's a girl here to rape you."

Severus stirs in his bed, fumbling awkwardly with his covers. Eyes not even open yet, he yawns sleepily, then hacks loudly a few times, and struggles into a sitting position. "What.. who..?" The glorious potions master blinks in pain as a lamp is lit on his bed stand, and opens his eyes to see the monster standing next to his bed. "Oh, Malachai.. What are you doing wearing clothes?"

Severus straightens up, scratching an undetermined point under his covers, and sternly adds, "Strip this instan-"

"Sevie!"

"..Whozat?" Severus' oily head swings around to spy his niece, beaming at him in all her perky glory. The shocking pink of her clothing makes him blink in what is surely awe, and not blindness.

"I dunno," the Vampire answers, "A sexual predator of some kind. She's here to rape you."

"Sevie! My Sevie! At last! Oh how I have waited for this day, Uncle!"

"Uncle-" comes the monster's startled voice, but no one notices.

"Brittney? What are you doing here?" Severus Snape asks, rubbing his sallow face with one hand and looking much more awake suddenly.

"I'm here to rape you! Unless you want to come willingly! Because once we do it, you will know for sure that we are OTP!" Brittney says with much decorum, clapping her hands in girlish gl
T
The Vampire has now caught up with the conversation, but for some reason seems confused. "Wait - you two aren't OTP. We're OTP," he corrects, gesturing between himself and her darling Sevie. "I mean.. you can't be! You're related, for chrissakes."

Brittney giggles with much wit. "We're purebloods, dummy! We're all inbred really! I mean.. look at Draco! He's so inbred, he should've been born with a tail!"

Severus nods humorlessly. "The incestuous girl-child has a point there, darling. However.."

"That's my bitch, bitch." the Vampire snaps, folding his arms and doing a fairly good impression of dear Uncle Sevie.

"Indeed," Severus agrees dryly.

"No..!" Brittney insists, her brow creasing in cute worry as she formulates an amazingly heroic plan. "We have to be together.. because, you see.. I'm pregnant with Sevie's child!"

"WHAT," Severus roars, tossing back the covers and standing quickly, "I never fucked you!"

Brittney smiles with self-assurance. A bulge suddenly appears with an audible "pop" in her silk-covered abdomen.

"How did that happen?" the Vampire demands, waving his arms wildly. Again he must be consumed with jealousy, to see Brittney pregnant with Sevie's baby, something he himself could never achieve without the help of a very complex and mind-boggling potion.

"I simply thought it, and it happened!" Brittney explains, spreading her arms in a wide arc. A rainbow forms between her outstretched palms, sparkles once, and fades out. She can do that on command.

The Vampire flings his hand out towards her, wand gripped tightly in white-knuckled fingers. He takes a breath..

And is stoppe Sev Severus, who simply puts a hand on the monster's arm to quiet him. Snapes are gifted like that. "Malachai, stop."

Clapping excitedly, Brittney lets out a squeal of joy. "Yay! I knew you'd see it my way, Sevie!"

"Let me handle this," Severus admonishes quietly, then moves in front of the Vampire and draws his own wand steadily. "Avada kedavra," he whispers sweetly, smiling as a jet of green energy explodes out of his wand and strikes Brittney right between the eyes.

The perfectly amazing girl falls over with a heavy thunk as the green light dissipates. Smoke rises gently from her freshly fried corpse.

The Vampire's face appears over Severus' shoulder, his expression lighting up with delight. He bounces on his heels excitedly as he announces, "That was fun. I liked the part where she stopped moving."

"Excellent," Severus nods, smiling at his lover indulgently. "Now get her out of here and come back to bed."

Malachai bounds forward, grabbing the girl by her perfectly-formed ankles, and drags her out the door.

"..Without clothes this time!" Severus shouts after him, frowning slightly as he watches Malachai disappear out of the doorframe.