Your what?!

I was dared by Red to post this. so I am!

Usual disclaimers are in place. I don\'t own it, I don\'t make money off of it. I promise to put Snape and Malfoy back when I am done with them, maybe.

I will feed your flames to my dragon, he is quite hungry right now!

Would like to thank ladydeathfarie for comeing up with the idea and the encoragement for me to write it.

Other than that enjoy.

oh yes, one more thing. . .the rateing is for \'implied\' slash, no such a critter happens.




You\'re What?!

After Echo has left his chambers Snape scowls darkly at the book shelves. With a snarl he gets out of his chair and heads to his liquor cabinet and pulls a bottle of aged Fire whisky forward splashing a goodly amount into a goblet.

He drinks and mumbles to himself about the events of the last few days. Snorts when Echoes\' words of neglecting ldf and Pam come to mind. Neglect, hell, if they wanted attention they knew where he was. Then again, he had been spending quite a lot of time in Echo\'s company, which may have given the impression the dhe didn\'t want anything further to do with them.

He empties the goblet and refills it with twice as much liquor.

How is it possible that ldf had gotten pregnant when she supposedly was taking the contraceptive potions? Could it have been possible that the one day she had forgotten to take the potion was the very day she had become impregnated? Who was the father of his child?

Snapes mind spun dizzily as he drained the second goblet. He began to pour more of the whiskey into the goblet then stopped tossing the goblet across the room, disappointed when it didn\'t break. Wrapping his lips around the opening of the bottle he poured a good measure into his mouth and swallowed wincing when he had swallowed more than he had expected and his throat burned and stretched around the fiery liquid.

How was it possible that he had gotten pregnant? Who was the father? *When* had he become pregnant? His mind swirled and he titled to the side. His eyes narrowed as he squinted at the green flames of the floo.

\"Severus?\" The rich tones of Lucius filled the room.

\"What?\" Came the slurred response. Snape stood and staggered sideways toward the fireplace. Then crashed into Lucius as he stepped from the fireplace.

\"What on earth? Severus your drunk!\"

\"I am not!\" Came the heated denial. \"I just tripped, that\'s all.\" Malfoy snorted at the blatant lie, there was nothing to trip over!
\"Want something to drink?\" Severus asked holding the bottle up so that Lucius could see that well over 3/4\'s of the contents were gone. Malfoy\'s nose wrinkled at the strong stench of alcohol coming from the drunken man leaning on him.

\"Get a hold of yourself, man, and get off me!\" Lucius snapped pushing Severus from him.

\"Guess what, Lucius.\" Snape said after collapsing onto the couch in a graceless heap.

\"I\'m not here to play guessing games, Severus.\" Came the terse answer.

\"But you *will* truly enjoy this one!\"

\"Very well, Snape, what?\" Lucius responded with a put upon sigh.

\"I\'m pregnant.\" Came the answer followed by the oddest grin he\'d ever seen on the taciturn Potion\'s Masters lips.

\"Beg pardon? I don\'t think I heard you correctly.\" Just how much had Snape drank before getting to that particular bottle of whiskey?

\"Give me that!\" Malfoy snapped and snatched the bottle from the other man\'s grip. Taking a cautious sniff of the contents then wiping the top off Lucius brought the bottle to his lips and took a huge swallow of the whiskey. Hell, if Snape wanted to play weird mind games so be it, but he wasn\'t going to play when he was sober!

Lucius glared and watched Snape stagger to the liquor cabinet then pull two more bottles of the potent brew forward. By the time Snape had shoved a bottle into his hands and returned to the couch the liquor was quickly making itself felt.

\"Now, what was that you said?\" Lucius asked tilting his head to the side, his vision becoming bleary.

\"About what?\" Snape demanded giving him a cross eyed look then shaking his head to clear his vision.
\"About you being pregnant.\" Malfoy said leaning against the fireplace mantle.

\"I\'m pregnant?!\" Snape exclaimed shocked at the news.

\"That\'s what you told me when I stepped from the fireplace.\"

\"I did? I\'m pregnant? Damn! Who\'s the father?\" Came the question followed by a pair of glassy eyes going suddenly quite round.

\"What? Why are you staring at me like that?\" Lucius demanded staggering to the wing back chair and plopping down nearly toppling the chair over.

\"Well, your the only person that I have been even remotely close to. . .\"
\"Don\'t be disgusting, Severus. I have never touched you in that manner.\" Malfoy sneeredhis his cousin.

\"You sure? Who\'s to say when the \'dark things\' truly take over?\"

\"Snape, get a hold of yourself! It is impossible for a man to become pregnant! Even more so to become pregnant by me, when I have not touched you!\" Malfoys words had become louder and louder as though trying to convince himself of the impossibility of what Snape was trying to say. He hated drunken mind games he always lost.

\"I got it!\"

\"Dare I even ask?\"

\"We\'o too to Pam and ask her! She\'ll be able to tell if I\'m pregnant and who the father of the child is!\"

\"Great.\" Malfoy stared at the leaning tower of Snape that leaned heavily sideways over the couch cushions.

They sat there staring into middle space for the longest of times the whiskey blurring reality even further in their minds.

\"Well?\" Lucius asked finally coming to his senses, sort of.
\"What?\" Severus looked over at him wondering why the blond was sideways in the chair and why wasn\'t the chair falling over being tilted so far in one direction.

\"Are we goin ta thee Pam or not?\" Lucius asked.

\"Why were we gonna do dat?\"

\"Becauth you thaid dat you are preggers, and by me.\" Malfoy reminded him.

\"Thath\'s disguthing!\" Severus slurred blinking to make the four Lucius\' return to only one.

\"Thath is what you told me! Come on lets get thith over with.\" Lucius grunted and got to his feet only to fall forward and land in a heap on the floor. Severus laughed at the graceless heap then fell to the floor himself when he rolled to far. Both men laughed at themselves got to all fours then using the furniture to help finally got to their feet.

\"Shhhh! You\'ll wake the entire cathal!\" Severus chuckled when Lucius demanded to know once again where they were headed and why in a very loud voice.

Pam heard the drunks staggering down the corridor and quickly put a silencing spell on the door to the children\'s room. She closed the door to her bedroom just as the door to her quarters crashed open. Her nose wrinkled at the alcoholic stench of the two.

The men staggered further into her quarters and with a heavy sigh Pam had to close the forgotten door, it would do no one any good to hear these two bellering at each other like enraged Brahma bulls.

\"Is there something I can help you with? Say a potion for your drunkenness?\" Pam asked making sure that the couch separated them from her.

\"Yeth there ith.\" Snape responded listing dangerously to the side and taking Lucius with him. A wave of her hand and a hill of pillows appeared where the two landed.

\"And what would that be, sir?\" She asked peering at them wondering just how much and of what they had consumed.

\"He\'s pregnant.\" Malfoy snickered falling onto his back and laughing. \"And with my baby!\" His rich deep laughter filled the room, Pam scowled what had he said?

\"What did you say?\" She asked, what were they up to?

\"He thaid that I\'m pregnant.\" The two giggled like girls. \"And I\'m pregnant with his child.\"

\"You\'re what?!\" Pam exclaimed eyes twinkling now. Oh, man, these two were on a serious bender!

\"I *thaid* I am pregnant! Can\'t you hear?!\" Came the querulous response.

\"Indeed, sir, I can hear and quite well. But how is it possible that you are pregnant, sir? Aren\'t Wizards incapable of bearing children?\"

\"Pish posh!\" Malfoy replied in a sing song tone, bringing a snort of laughter to Pam\'s lips.

\"So what is it that you want me to do about your condition, Master Snape?\" This was too good to let go of!

\"I want to know who has fathered the child.\" The Master intoned peering at her from over his belly, which of course was still flat as a board, even though he ran a hand over his lower abdomen.

\"Well, there a few ways of testing for paternity, Master Snape. Are you certain that you are in any condition to go through any of the tests?\"

\"Tests? What tests?\" Both men said at the same time.

\"Why pregnancy and paternity tests, of course. Though on a man, it might be a bit more uncomfortable than for a woman. Considering that a man doesn\'t have female parts.\"

Severus and Lucius looked at each other then back at the smirking Healer.

\"But--\" Snape started to protest then stopped to bring the bottle to lips once again only to discover that the bottle was empty. He scowled darkly at the offending bottle and dropped it to the floor then grabbed the bottle from Lucius\' hand and drank deeply then handed the bottle back to the glowering man.

\"I see how it is that you may have become pregnant, Master Snape.\" Pam said holding back the giggle.

\"How?\"

\"Well, you just drank from the same bottle of whiskey as Master Malfoy has been drinking from.\"

\"So?\"

\"Well, didn\'t you know that\'s how wizards get pregnant?!\" This was said as though any first year would have that information.

\"By the gods!\" They exclaimed as though it were something that they had completely forgotten about.

Pam snorted then could not hold the laughter back any longer.

\"What are you laughing for? Thith ith serith!\" Master Malfoy snapped ar atr attempting to get to his feet. Pam laughed that much harder. Holding on to the back of the couch to keep from falling to the floor and laughing her ass off!

\"Master Malfoy, might I suggest that you not attempt to use Master Snape as a post to help you up? He *is* in a delicate condition you know.\" Pam giggled at the cross eyed glare.

\"What condithion ith that?\" Malfoy demanded finally making it to his knees and hanging on to the coffee table.

\"That Master Snape is pregnant, sir.\" Pam watched the blond carefully as his eyes squinted at her.
\"That ith dithguthting!\" Malfoy slurred grabbing a nearby chair and hauling himself to his feet.

\"What ith dithguthing?\" Severus asked blinking several times and shaking his head to clear the room of the too many Healers and wavering Malfoy\'s.

\"That you are pregnant! Dolt!\" Malfoy snappedn smn smiled in triumph when he stood straight, if for only a moment.

\"I am!?\" Pam giggled covering her mouth with her hands at a nasty glare from both men.

\"When did that happen?\" Severus asked using the book shelves to get to his feet.

\"What?\" Malfoy asked giving up trying to stand and collapsed on to the couch his lids were fighting a loosing battle with drunken sleep.

\"Master Snape is pregnant with your child Master Malfoy.\"

\"That\'s dithguthing!\" The two said at the same time.

Snape staggered around for a moment as though looking for something then spied the couch and weaved his way towards it.

Pulling her wand from her pocket Pam transfigured the couch to accommodate both snockered men.

\"Gods you two reek!\" Pam grumblhen hen giggled when she covered them with separate blankets wondering how bad their heads would feel in the morning. Her eye brows shot upward when the two began to snore loudly. Not something she\'d ever heard before and something she really didn\'t like the sound of! Drunken snoring, she shook her head and went to her room.

\"Missy, is every thing all right?\" Fushia asked peering around the door at two lumps snoring away on the couch.

\"Yes, Fushia. The Masters, for what ever reason, decided to get drunk tonight and play odd mind games.\"
\"They were convinced that Master Snape was pregnant and that Master Malfoy was the father.\" Fushia shuddered at the very thought.

\"That be quite disgusting, Missy.\" Pam snorted and giggled at the offended house elves words.

\"Indeed.\" She replied closing the door and setting a strong silencing spell on the door to keep the ever increasing sound of the drunken snoring out.


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To Red: Thanks!ows*ows*