Harry Potter's got a French Tongue!

Harry Potter Has a French Tongue.
Summary: Features Cancan!Harry, Bestial!Hermione, and Ranting!Draco. A vignette of the sex life of Hogwarts. It just keeps getting kinkier and kinkier, people.
Category: pwp/kink
Author: Salima
Homepage: http://ftp.fanficfanatic.org/myweb/index.htm: click on it! link to it! enjoy!
Warnings: crossdressing, old people sex, bestiality, graphic content, incest, etc. (pretty impressive, huh?)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: h/d with a lot of others
Disclaimer: it ain't mine. Kiddies, go away. FAR AWAY! If he can feel your presence then LEAVE this place. (molests princess leia)
A/N: dedicated to Daniel, who gets really quite insanely horny if you cause him pain. *laughs maniacally.* Wait till you see my new fuzzy handcuffs... This story was written under the influence of Smirnoff. I'm sure you'll be able to tell the point at which it got to my head.

DRACO POV

Okay, so I don't speak French. Sue me.

Everybody expects me to. I'm not sure why. Just because my name's French and I have an exceptionally pretty arse doesn't mean I'm going bust out into a Romance language, no matter how much Gloriously Sexy that would make me.

I'll admit that I myself have a fatal attraction to Frenchmen, but aggressive french women work just as well. Like Hermione Granger, who isn't so much French as she is "Frenchified."

Is that a word?

Anyway, word or no, I banged her last month and made her speak French the whole time. I was quite impressed by her attention to grammar but less impressed by the French factor of her non-French tongue, which hit about negative seven on the "Foreign appeal" scale.

(Note to self: Summer in France does not translate well to "good sex with Granger". In fact, it translate to "tu est un sac de merde")

I slept with the Italian Gardener this summer, because Italians are well hung and have the endurance of pigs on steroids. Italians can give you quite a pounding, but terrible head. Horrible. Their tongues aren't well schooled in the French arts, but they're teeth have been instructed in Barbarian war tactics.

I digress. The real point of this little first-person monologue is sex with Potter.

Mmmmm..... Potter. *makes Homer Simpson gurgling noise.* That boy can speak French. Not the actual language, of course. He's far too common to have ever picked anything like that up. No, Potter's tongue knows The Language better than any Parisian.

I wonder where he learned all that. There are certainly no rumors about him copping off with anyone around this place. The Weasel's completely strait, and Hermione is obviously virginal.

Which brings me to his cousin.

Yuck.

So maybe Potter is just naturally good at... hmm... French. How frightening. Potter's not supposed to be good at sex. Potter's not supposed to have discovered leather pants.

Potter's not supposed to have an impossibly large dick that thrums against my thigh at impossibly opportuned moments.

And here I sit with an impossibly hard erection thinking about Potter's impossibly frisky, flexible, French tongue.

I think I'll have to get laid tonight.

Maybe I'll crawl into Snape's bed tonight.

Or maybe Parkinson's.

Or maybe I should just masturbate.

Or maybe I should not be a juvenile prick and pay Mr. Potter a visit.

Mmmmmmmm..... visit......Potter.....sex..... yum.

God, this erection is a bitch.

I wish I had a craving for Americans or Australians or Swedes with blonde hair like mine. Anything but French. Oh God, anything but French.

At lunch I'll have a flaming crepe, and I'll think about Potter licking cake batter off my abs, his tongue dancing in the creases of my skin like a CanCan Girl.

He'd look good in one of those outfits.

HARRY'S POV

I don't think I've ever been laughed at quite this much.

Honestly. Did he have to send me fishnets and a bright red Cancan skirt?

I'd kill him if I didn't like wearing it so much.

Maybe Hermione won't notice that her red lipstick is missing. She didn't see the eyeliner.

Ron, do you think this corset makes my waist look fat?

No?

Hermione's POV:

God, Draco's sexy. So beautiful.

Hmmm.... Where'd I leave my vibrator?

Oh yes, that's right. *squelching noise* Forgot I left it up there, Crookshanks.

*Horrified meows; desperate attempts at escape.*

Oh, don't be such a pussy.

Ah yes... that's the stuff.... hmmm... I wonder what Draco would look like in a hat? One of those cute ones, with the puffy tops? Oh.,.....

*Oh*

OHHH.....

shit! The batteries are dead!

RON!

RON'S POV

Great. Hermione wants to fuck.

Again.

All she wants is sex, after she had it off with that wanker Malfoy.

And here I sit with these lovely feelings bursting out of my sould like Candy, and she wants to give me blow jobs all the time and ride my cock.

Call me crazy, but I've always been one for fireside chats and sharing feelings over candlelight. I like cuddling.

A lot.

Hermione likes sex.

I guess sex is a normal part of a relationship, but I feel so used.

Seamus thinks I must be gay. He thinks guys want to be sexually used.

Shows how much he knows.

I'm going to go cry for a bit and then have Harry give me a pedicure.

HARRY POV

EWWWWW! Dumbledore and McGonagall are having butt sex!

*Entire student population of Hogwarts spontaeneously assembles due to telepathic connection with Harry Potter.*

Malfoy: I always thought he liked it doggy style.

Seamus: way to go, Professors! Never knew you had it in you.... Well, obviously, it's out of you now.... and all over the floor..... um... please don't take off any points?

*glowers*

These silk knickers feel really nice.

But they are a tad constrictive.

Is Mcgonagal *still* coming?

Good lord, didn't know Old Ladies were that horny.

DUMBLEDORE'S POV

At least they didn't see what we were doing to Snuffle.

*That* was doggy style.

(A/N) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! *to review*