I Watched You Suffer

The song is ‘Wild Horses’ by the Rolling Stones, though I’ll always hear Daniel Letterle’s voice in my head, he played Vlad in ‘Camp’ and sang it/played it on guitar and both he and the lyrics just spoke volumes of Remus to me, hence this little ficlet.

Now, on with the story...

Dear Remus,
I\'m sure you knew who this letter was from before you even broke the seal, my scent is likely imprinted in the parchment, ‘like smoke and cold stone’ you told me once. With that in mind it would be a disservice to both of use if I were to try disguising my handwriting.
Those few months during Seventh Year, before your ‘Marauders’ won you back, are the best time I can recall having either during school or after.

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you

The unspoken motto of Slytherin has always been ‘love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.’ So it should have been no surprise how easily you were accepted into the fold.
What surprised me was how well you fit in, consorting with Slytherins in the back corner of the Broomsticks on Hogsmeade weekends, showing up uninvited (as any true Slytherin would) at unannounced Slytherin gatherings. Even going so far as to get a role in the Slytherin Christmas Pageant, as the clumsiest Mary we’ve ever had.

Graceless lady, you know who I am,
You know I can\'t let you slide through my hands

After they won you back, as we both knew they would, I did miss you, but Slytherin—as well as personal—pride prevented me from showing it.
Especially where your bodyguards could see.
So I shut you out, went back to the way things had been before, though with possibly a bit more malice than was strictly necessary on my part, but you can’t really blame me.
I was hurt, and when I\'m hurt I lash out at those around me, whether they deserve it or not, and you’ve never deserved it.

Wild Horses, couldn\'t drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, couldn\'t drag me away...

I’ve been watching, you hold up well enough when anyone’s paying attention, but as soon as they’re gone you’re as good as dead. No response to the world around you, nothing, you just withdraw into some sort of shell you’ve made yourself, it’s something I know more about than you think.
The transformations are getting harder, no sense trying to hide that from me, I\'m the one who takes care of both of you before and after, I can see the toll they take now where they didn’t before. You want to just let Moony out, stay as a wolf because you k thk that would dull the pain.
It would just make things worse.

I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same

Any hatred I ever held towards you was merely guilt by association with that idiot Potter and his reckless cohort Black, you never did anything to earn my spite, but I gave it to you anyway due to your choice of companions. Birds of a feather and all.
Mostly I hated them for ‘protecting’ you from me, and I hated you for wanting their protection.
Even with Constantaine Isolde, who was there to comfort me when you left, likely on Lucius’ orders, and letters from Lucius himself. Both telling me how horrible you were for ‘leaving’ me like you did, Ildn’ldn’t hate you for that.
After all, you’d just done what we both knew you were going to.

No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

When I found out that you had accepted the DADA position I very nearly handed in my resignation, and not because I’d been passed over again, but because I knew that seeing you after so long would stir up a lot of memories, not all of which were worth remembering.
But as soon as Dumbledore made the announcement that you would be teaching, I began gathering ingredients for the wolfsbane potion so that I could begin brewing with only a moment’s notice.
Because I knew that would be the next request, can’t very well have a professor become a ravening animal once a month. No, that’s what we have Minerva for, and she manages it quite well on her own.

Wild Horses, couldn\'t drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, couldn\'t drag me away...

As much as this letter is to reminisce it’s also to make a request. I’ve been summoned, and I have every reason to believe that I won’t survive what’s coming.
If I don’t return, I want someone to know that I didn’t, and why. You will know if I don’t return, and I\'m sure by now that you’re familiar with my library, if I don’t return, go there, you’ll be able to find what I’ve left. The only advice I can give you is not to dawdle.
You’ll know what to do with it when you find it.

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don\'t have much time

If I do survive however, we’ll get away from this all, you and I. We’ve more than enough experience between us to keep anyone from finding us, ever. I will admit that my reasons for bringing you with me are entirely selfish.
I want you to myself.
I always have really, and now that that idiot Black is out of the way there’s no one left to keep you from me. One way or another I\'m going to have you, as I’ve been denied that partir der desire more than long enough. Remember that Remus. You are mine, whether you realize it yet or not.

Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let\'s do some living after we die

It won’t do you any good to tell anyone, because while they might believe you, they’ll likely mark it up to paranoia since losing your lover, and don’t deny it Remus, everyone knew what you two got up to when you thought no one was paying attention, and more than that, I know who you beg for during and after your transformations. I know who’s name you whimper during your nightmares.
But we’ll soon put a stop to that, the only name I want to hear you whimper is mine.

Wild Horses,
Couldn\'t drag me away,
Wild, wild horses,
We\'ll ride them someday

In conclusion, be ready Remus, and beware if you really thin wil will help, because I’ll be sending for you, one way or another, before the next full moon.