Harry Potter and The Muggle Sex Toy

Harry Potter and the Muggle sex toy

Part 14 of the ANALogy and TOPology Bawdy Fic Arc from the somewhat deranged mind of the unpredictable author. Challenge #13 for bottom!draco LJ community Fuh-Q-Fest, Sept 2003.

Warning: This story is not recommended for GEEKS, WIMPS, DWEEBS, WEENIES, self-righteous literary critics and those of a delicate constitution. It contains abuse of an innocent sex toy, badly behaved adults and to a lesser extent, monogamous same-sex pairing. Consider yourself warned.

Notes: extreme bad taste with no redeeming value whatsoever. It’s poorly written, incredibly crass, contains jokes about bodily functions that would embarrass any 4-year-old arse-grabbing kid, and it’s PURE A&T!™ May be hazardous to closed minds. The whole unwholesome plot is mine. Did I say p0rn? I swear I was totally sober when I wrote this (scary, eh?). BlitzerBooze™ and ANALogy and TOPology Universe™ are owned by Zed Adams. SPAG beta by Passo Sins.


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Draco smirked as he preened before the full-length mirror. He ran his manicured fingers over the lapels of his floor-length cream coloured coat and made micro-adjustments to his shoulder length blond hair. Harry rolled his eyes; Draco’s vanity never failed to amuse him. They were already running late for the opening of Crabbe and Goyle’s new club, The Leather N Chains.

“Are you done?” Harry asked as he lit a fresh cigarette.

“Quit nagging, and don’t smoke in bed,” Draco frowned at him as he slicked on pale pink gloss over his lips.

Harry rolled his eyes again. “For heaven’s sake, Draco. Wipe that gloss off! It makes you look like some has-been member of Culture Club.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.” Harry crossed the room. He grinned rakishly and crossed his arms.

Draco eyed him suspiciously. “What?”

Harry’s grin widened and his eyes glinted mischievously. Draco took a step back. A smirking Harry never failed to set alarm bells clanging through his defence. “Keep away, you horny ape! I didn’t spend the last two hours making myself perfect just to get mussed up by you.” Draco waggled his pearl-polished finger.

“Aw, I only want to give you my present.”

“Now?”

Harry smiled charmingly and purred silkily. “Yes, now.”

“Er, does it involve taking our clothes off and loads of fluid exchange?” Draco gave a startled squeak as Harry draped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close. Draco swallowed, his eyes fixed on Harry’s prominent incisors.

“Not unless you want to.” Harry winked. He drew a package out the pocket of his floor-length black leather Gestapo-styled coat. “Open it.”

Draco’s mouth dropped open big enough to nestle a tiny owl. “What the hell is this? Is it some sort of pendant? Damn tasteless and big, isn’t it?” He dangled the object before Harry’s nose, swinging it to and fro. Harry snickered wickedly and whispered in his ear. Draco’s eyes almost popped out of his head.

“Crikey! No way, Potter. You are totally off your rocker.” He tried to wriggle away but Harry gripped him hard. “Let me go! Let me go! HELP!”

Harry clamped a hand over his struggling spouse’s mouth. “Shush. Oh, behave Draco.” He winced as Draco bit his fingers. He tightened his grip around the blond’s middle. “Do you trust me?”

Draco nodded.

“Do you love me?”

Draco gave a muffled whimper.

“Hm?” Harry nibbled his left ear, as his right hand snaked inside his captive’s waistband. He copped a feel.

Draco went crossed-eyed and rigid.

Harry released him and took the object from Draco’s trembling hand. “Since I adore you too, you deserve something special for our night out, don’t you think so, sweets?” He whipped out his wand and smirked. He uttered a spell and the object vanished. Draco gave a startled yelp almost simultaneously.

Something ridged and cool was prodding and vibrating gently inside his … bottom. His eyes went wide as his dark haired spouse chuckled wickedly. The vibration intensified, and his knees buckled from the sensory assault. “Harry …” he moaned weakly.

“Good, isn’t it? I picked it up from Soho and made some minor modifications. Do you like it?” Harry narrowed his eyes and blew smoke rings towards the ceiling.

Draco whimpered.

“See, when I do this —” Harry ran a finger slowly up and down the length of his wand. “It moves up and down. And when I do this —”

Draco gave a sudden lurch and collided with the hat-stand. The plug did a series of rapid staccato jabs against his sweet spot.

“Good, eh?! And it’s self-lubricating too, in your favourite strawberry and cream flavour no less.” Harry snickered as he stood arrogantly — legs hips width apart, arms akimbo. His floor length Gestapo style leather coat was semi-parted to reveal a pair of glossy knee high leather boots. “Crawl to Daddy, Draco.” The somewhat behaviourally deviant Hero of the Wizarding World purred softly.

Draco glared at him mutinously. “No way!”

Harry smiled and raked a fingernail along the length of his wand. Draco mewled.

“Be obedient, now. Crawl to Daddy,” Harry commanded, his tone screamed of control and dominance.

“Go stick your dick in the blender and set it on high,” Draco gasped.

“You turn me on when you talk dirty.” Harry licked his wand slowly.

Draco fell flat on his back and moaned. His fingers scrabbled at the plush carpet as he trashed about like a fish out of water. He was starting to see stars.

“Tsk, tsk! Bad Draco.” Harry sniggered and gnawed his wand gently.

Draco hollered like a hooligan.

“Crawl. Now!”

Slowly, carefully, the blond got on all fours and crawled towards his green-eyed spouse. Harry hooked a finger under his chin and tilted his face up.

“Gosh, Draco. You still look like a virginal choirboy after all these years.” Harry moistened his lips slowly.

“Pervert.”

Harry snickered as he pulled Draco upright. “Mm, guilty as charged. Now, you’ll be a good boy and make me happy, okay?” He whispered something into Draco’s ear and then gave his wand a final stroke.

“Uuaagh,” Draco moaned softly and clutched at Harry’s arm for support and slowly nodded in acquiescence.

Harry pressed against him, kissing his cheek and then his lips. Harry pressed his kiss harder and slipped his tongue inside Draco’s mouth, French kissing him vigorously. Draco’s brains fused from the dual-ended assault. Damn, trust Harry to come up with something deliciously kinky. Harry broke away and patted his cheek affectionately.

“Come Draco, we mustn’t keep our hosts waiting. I’m looking forward to a truly excellent time tonight.”

* * * * * * *

They Apparated inside The Leather N Chains.

The club had a vaguely gothic motif; the bartenders [100 percent male and effeminate] were all wearing fishnet singlets, lace-up vinyl shorts and steel-capped boots. Kohl-rimmed eyes and a slap of purple lipstick completed the uniform. The patrons were predominantly male wizards and then some of indeterminate gender. Harry and Draco exchanged amused grins as they pushed their way through the crowd.

“Well, looky look! Here comes the Lord of Potter Manor and his drop dead gorgeous consort!” A young man clad in an obscenely tight pair of spandex shorts and a midriff-baring lurex top seized Draco by the arse and gave it a brazen squeeze. Harry’s eyes narrowed dangerously.

A soft hiss, and a light flared, as Harry lit a cigarette. He took a drag and blew smoke into the newcomer’s face. “Blaise? Take your paw off my Draco.”

Blaise Zabini laughed. “Ooh, possessive!” He made to drape an arm around the blond’s shoulder but stopped midway. Something cold was pressing against his groin. He looked downwards and blanched. “Okay, okay! Just kidding. You two look good together, eh, Draco? Come on, our hosts are waiting for you.”

Harry pocketed his switchblade. They followed Blaise as he sashayed towards a gang of ex-Slytherins who looked like displaced boulders swathed in an assortment of gothic get-ups. Crabbe and Goyle made a scary pair in leather and kohl eyeliners, while Pansy looked like a bulldog in a wig. Blaise slid beside her and made a rude sign at Harry from behind her back. Marcus Flint, failed wizard and current owner of a shady construction company was playing a whiskey-drinking game with Montague in a corner. They greeted the pair raucously. Draco turned and smirked at Harry.

“Crabbe, Goyle.” Harry nodded pleasantly. “Nice place you got here. What’s this, a gothic dance club?”

Goyle grinned. “Yeah. And more. We have a few exciting surprises tonight.”

“Oh yeah?”

Crabbe nodded enthusiastically. “Check out our exotic dancers, man. We got some new hot ones.”

“Really?”

“Yup. Check Snape out. He does a mean number with his cauldron and cloak.”

Harry goggled. “You mean the Snape impersonator, right?”

Draco chuckled and lit a cigarette. He looked sideways at Harry, his smirk widening. “You sure it’s an impersonator?”

Harry did a double take. “No way!” he whispered. Draco nodded. Harry turned green. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

The Slytherins laughed boisterously at the Saviour-of-the-Wizarding-World. Goyle thumped him on the back. “Nah, it was polyjuiced Blaise taking the mickey out of our dear old Potions master. He outdid himself, our Blaise. He was quite hot, really.” He guffawed, his triple-decker chin wobbling dangerously.

“Argh.” Visions of Snape slithering up and down the unipole made Harry’s eyes water. “I’ll pass.”

Draco elbowed him in the ribs. “Prude. It was hot, especially when he dressed in the Death Eater’s costume. Mask, whip and all.”

“I’d rather watch your father.”

The Slytherins gaped. Blaise made soft gurgling noises. Draco snorted BlitzerBooze™ out of his nostrils.

“HARRY JAMES POTTER!”

Harry grinned. Draco went very pink. “Touché.”

Goyle coughed. “Ahem, you must admit Potter’s got taste, Draco.”

Draco jumped to his feet and narrowed his eyes at Goyle. “Drop dead, you prick.”

“Calm down, sweets. I only have eyes for you.” Harry slipped his hand inside his pocket and touched his wand gently. He smiled disarmingly as Draco suddenly lurched forwards. The plug buzzed into life again, stimulating his prostrate. Draco glared at him and quickly sat down.

“Oh look, they are going to start the show!” Pansy clapped her hands excitedly. All eyes swivelled to the raised dais as a sexy number began.

A pair of young men, garbed as Aurors, began to bump and grind lewdly. Pansy squealed. One of the ‘Aurors’ pouted at her and rubbed his crotch suggestively. Pansy toppled backwards in a jangle of silver jewellery.

Harry cast a sideways glace at his spouse. Draco stared at the dancers and pulled Harry’s arm snugly around his waist. Harry touched his wand again and smirked in satisfaction as Draco gave a gasp and clutched his thigh desperately. Blaise hollered from across the table.

“Remember Justin? He’s our crowd puller. Does a mean Auror act. He’s hot and nimble, man.” He pointed at the crotch-rubbing dancer.

“Justin? Really?” Harry guffawed. “I always thought he was odd. You’ll be telling me that’s Zac Smith dancing with him next!”

“Potter, did anyone ever tell you that you are psychic?” Blaise made a kissy-face at two gyrating men.

Harry and Draco gaped. Blaise nodded solemnly.

“Fuck me,” Draco breathed, his eyes riveted to the pair on the dais. He was getting turned on by the Auror get up which were being peeled off rhythmically. “Harry, I wonder if we could borrow those Auror costumes?”

“I’d like that.” Harry winked at him, and put his hand in his pocket.

Draco blushed and gave a sudden lurch as the plug buzzed in his bum. He gripped Harry’s thigh hard.

Harry chuckled and rubbed his wand again and again. Beads of perspiration formed on Draco’s forehead as Harry alternated the vibrator from slow and steady to random bursts of high-energy pulses. Draco moaned and threw his head back. Goyle nudged Crabbe and cocked his head towards the pair.

“What’s up with Malfoy?” Goyle muttered.

Crabbe shrugged. “Horny git probably got turned on,”

“By the dancers?”

“Nah. By Potter, as usual.”

“Potter lookse.” e.”

“Potter looks smug. They better not be shagging under the table anytime soon.” Crabbe snickered as Draco moaned incoherently and buried his face against Harry’s neck.

“Harry,” Draco panted between clenched teeth. “Please …”

“Hmm?” Harry murmured. Draco slipped his hand into his coat and his eyes went huge. Harry was rock hard under his cool exterior. The green-eyed wizard gave him a lopsided grin and mouthed “nice”.

“Oi, Malfoy, you okay?” Blaise slurred as he plopped beside Harry. He leered at the sweating blond.

“Piss off, Blaise.”

Blaise laughed wildly. “You are pink, Malfoy. Gotten a bit hot under the collar, mate?” He tapHarrHarry’s shoulder and whispered suggestively, “What say if you, me and the hot blond get together, mate? We could do the awesome threesome.”

“Awesome threesome?” Harry gave him a pained look. “Blaise, you’re hysterical.”

Blaise slid an arm around Harry’s shoulder and breathed lewdly, “C’mon Potter, don’t be selfish. I’m sure Malfoy won’t mind sharing you with me.” He traced his fingers up and down Harry’s neck. “I heard you are a Supreme Top.”

Before he knew it, before he could duck, a bright white light shot from the end of Draco’s wand and hit him square in the chest. Blaise yelped, looked down at his chest and saw two quivering breasts, each as big as his head, spilling out of his lurex top.

“No wand! No wand!” someone hollered.

“What the —” Blaise clamped a hand across his mouth, shocked at the high-pitched voice coming from it. He looked first at Harry and then Draco, and then he screamed like a castrato.

“Sorry mate don don’t share,” Draco purred smoothly.

Blaise jumped up. “Malfoy, you bastard! Remove these at once!” He grabbed hold of his enormous boobs and jiggled them furiously.

Draco jabbed hind ind into Blaise’s groin, hard, and said coldly, “I’d rather remove your cock. Permanently.”

Blaise went crimson with rage. “Fuck you! Fuck you both!”

Harry smiled smugly as Blaise dashed into the crowd and was stopped by a smarmy middle-aged wizard who looked eerily like Antonin Dolohov. Draco grinned as the older man took the horrified Blaise by the arm and hauled him towards the men’s comfort room.

“Someone’s in for a rude shock.” Draco giggled as he snuggled against his spouse.

On the dais, the two Aurors were busy shedding their outfit to the raunchy beat of an old Muggle song, Seduce Me Tonight.

“Mmm, I love it when you get possessive,” Harry said, slowly running the fingers of one hand up and down Draco’s neck, the other stroking his wand. Draco’s eyes glazed as he clutched the table hard. Harry spent the next fifteen minutes chuckling silently as he rubbed, stroked and caressed his wand. Draco spent the same fifteen minutes sweating, stammering, panting and looking imploringly at his dark-haired spouse. He banged his heels on the floor, fidgeted, gulped BlitzerBooze™ by the bottle, and finally slumped against Harry’s chest.

“Draco, dah-ling! Are you okay? You look ill.” Pansy heaved her ample bosom across the table and patted him none too gently on the cheeks.

“Aaaaah!”

“Dah-ling! Are you in pain?” Pansy’s huge and saggy-down-to-the-waist breasts swung dangerously close to the mortified wizard.

Draco squeezed his eyes shut in horror. “Arrgh!”

Pansy gave him a funny look and turned towards Harry, her lips trembling. “Harry Potter, I’m ashamed of you! How could you just let Draco suffer like that? He’s obviously very ill!”

“S-shut up, P-P-Pansy. Go. Away.” Draco panted. He was dangerously close to shooting in his trousers.

Pansy ignored him and glared at Harry. “What did you feed him for dinner? He shouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach!”

Harry rolled hiss. “s. “Instant noodles,” he deadpanned.

“Pathetic! Instant noodles?! What kind of house elves do you have?”

“Lousy ones. Yeah, do remind me to decapitate them.” Harry gripped Draco by the waist and helped him to his feet. He ducked as a pair of pleather shorts flew across the room and hit Pansy on the face. Pansy squealed in orgasmic delight, all concern for Draco forgotten.

Crabbe ambled over and peered at Draco. “You okay, mate?”

“He’s a bit excited, that’s all,” Harry said apologetically. “Not used to scenes like this, you know.”

“Bullshit!” Crabbe looked suitably mortified and quickly turned it into a cough.

Draco gritted his teeth and made a sour face. He knew he’s going to *die* if Harry didn’t relieve him soon — magically, mechanically or manually. “I need some fresh air.” He tugged at Harry’s arms urgently. “Now!”

Crabbe scratched his nose. “Um. Guys, you could use my office. It got a nice big couch …” He stopped mid-sentence as his brains caught up with his words. “Err … Draco could lie down till he gets better,” he finished lamely. *What the hell am I saying?*

“Sure. Thanks, mate.” Harry grinned charmingly. He began to steer Draco away but was stopped by a tap on his shoulder.

“Any body fluids, Potter, and I’ll send you the bill for a new couch.” Crabbe grunted. “And for additional mental distress,” he added as an afterthought.

Harry stuck out his tongue cheekily and mouthed: “Who me?”

Crabbe flipped him the bird. Harry laughed boisterously and winked. Crabbe sat down with a sigh and turned his attention to the dais. The opening beats to yet another Muggle song, Manhunt, throbbed via the state of the art Muggle hi-fi speakers.

A hooded “Death Eater” strutted on stage whilst leading a “schoolboy” — who was crawling on all fours — by a leash around the neck.


* * * * * * *

A semi-dark corridor marked the route to Crabbe’s and Goyle’s office. Harry half-supported Draco, one arm firmly around the blond’s waist, the other playing with his wand. He gave a half-arsed grin as Draco lurched spasmodically.

“Harry,” Draco gritted his teeth and looked mutinously at his spouse. “Quit playing games. It’s driving me nuts.”

“You look hot, all flustered like that,” Harry teased.

Gasping, Draco eked out, “Cut the crap, you bastard.”

Harry chuckled wickedly. “Hmm … not unless you talk dirty to me.”

Draco goggled. “What the hell?”

“Beg me, Draco.”

“…?”

“Say, ‘Fuck me, Daddy. I’m so hot and horny.’”

“…!!”

“Say. It.”

Draco twisted around and kicked him in the shins. Harry dodged nimbly and grinned as the blond swung his fist back. The punch went wide as Harry ducked quickly.

“God, I love it when you get all feisty.”

Draco growled.

Harry took a step back and tapped his wand over his head. A cold sensation trickled through him as the Disillusionment Charm took effect. He melded into the background. *Let the fun begin!* he though gleefully.

Without warning, he grabbed Draco by the upper arms and wrestled him under the shadows of a spiral staircase. Draco gasped as Harry’s nimble fingers pushed aside his coat, pulled down his trousers and spun him face first against the cool brick wall. His mind went blank as Harry muttered a spell and the object in his bottom vanished, only to be replaced by something rock hard and fleshy and unmistakably Harry.

“Aaaaaah!” Draco went crossed-eyed. What the hell happened? He didn’t even *feel* Harry entering him!

Harry chuckled. “You like my new trick, sweetheart? I’ve mastered the Art of Precision Apparating!”

The dark haired wizard was certainly notorious at misusing his magical powers to suit his whims and fancies. He ran his teeth over the back of Draco’s neck, prompting the flustered blond to spread his legs wider. Another whispered spell and Draco jerked as hundreds of invisible beings tongue-kissed his skin. He whimpered, closed his eyes and surrendered himself to the arousing feel of Harry’s hardness within him.

Harry grinned as he roughed Draco up. A thrill coursed through the blond; his knees turned to jelly as he was pounded relentlessly from behind. At 26, Harry was still an indefatigable human pneumatic drill when he was in the mood for some rough coupling, which was often, and it suited Draco fine. Draco trashed about wildly, grabbed Harry’s hand and placed their entwined fingers over his own turgid cock.

“Oh yessssss …” Draco moaned as Harry gave his erection a squeeze.

Harry held Draco’s other wrist tightly, palm flat against the wall. Draco turned his head towards his disconcertingly transparent partner. Their eyes locked and seemed to fuse. He slid his tongue tip out, and ran it over Harry’s lips.

“Mmmm.”

Draco pushed back frantically, and drew wicked delight as a hiss escaped his equally aroused partner. They ground against each other, Harry plunging deeper each time; one hand blurred as it pumped Draco’s flesh, their skin slapped rhythmically as they connect, moved away and connect again and again.

Without warning, Harry withdrew completely, spun Draco away from the wall and kicked him behind the knees. Draco lurched to the floor in a daze; his breath came in short, heated gasps. Harry hunkered behind him, gripped his hips and thrust inside in one smooth stroke.

And stopped.

“Harry …” Draco pleaded; he was minutes away from shooting his load.

“Shhh. Someone’s coming.” Harry tapped his wand on Draco’s head and Disillusioned him as well.

A giggling couple came into view and climbed the stairs. They stopped halfway, and soon, lewd smacking sound broke through the silence. It soon progressed into long drawn out moans. Harry rolled his eyes. Well, no time to watch, as he had his own lust [and Draco’s] to satisfy … He began to move slowly against the blond; sliding in and out, and in, out, harder, faster and faster still. Draco tossed his head back in ecstasy, fingers forming fists of tension as Harry continued to fuck him vigorously, barely feet away from the debauchery going on overhead.

“Oh, oh, oh!”

“That’s it, baby, that’s it.”

“No, not here. Let’s use the Boss’s office.”

“Okay. Let’s hurry. I can’t wait to plug you wide.”

“Smith!”

The footsteps receded as the randy dancers hurried away.

Draco breathed with relief and let out a drawn out moan. He tossed his head back against Harry’s shoulder and gushed, “Fuck me Daddy, fuck me hard!”

A wicked grin spread across Harry’s delighted face. Draco had uttered the secret word to signal his impending his orgasm. He reached around the blond’s waist and slid his hand over Draco’s rigid member, using his thumb to slick the precome over the swollen head. Draco shuddered in desperate need and automatically shoved backwards, pulling Harry deeper inside his body.

The dark haired wizard picked up his pace, driving Draco insane with his every thrust. Draco writhed and wriggled, as he fucked Harry’s fist in rhythm. He gave a startled gasp, stiffened and came all over Harry’s hand, his own thighs and the floor. Draco’s incoherent whimpers was soon drowned by Harry’s exultant grunt as he came hard, spilling his seed into the blond’s tight, hot arse. Harry bit firmly intoco’sco’s neck as he milked the last of his release out of the blond’s arse. He tightened his grip on Draco, who had gone limp and pliant with pleasure overload.

He tapped his wand over both their heads, lifting off the Disillusionment Charm.

Draco remained limp in his arm. Shit, he must have passed out again as he was wont to do. Harry contemplated using a Quick-Rise Spell™ to seek out another orgasm to pass the time while waiting for the blond to regain consciousness.

“Ahem hem.”

Perhaps not.

Harry clasped Draco to his chest even as he turned his head towards the newcomer. Goyle gave him a pained smile. Harry gave a silent thanks to his floor length coat, which hid both Draco’s and his own rude parts from public view.

“Draco fainted. I was just helping him up,” he said sheepishly.

Goyle rolled his eyes. “You are a pathetic liar, Potter. I’ve met whores with more shame than the both of you, you horny apes.”

Harry chuckled.

Draco gave a soft whimper and opened his eyes.

“Argh,” he groaned as Goyle’s face swam into view. He quickly shut his eyes again, willing his one-time lackey to disappear. He threw an arm across his forehead, feigning a classic pose of a damsel in distress. “What happened? Where am I?” he quivered, and paused for dramatic effect.

Goyle snorted. “God, you’re such a wimp, Malfoy.”

Damn. The goon still refused to move. Draco gave a shiver as a draft chilled his lower regions. His naked, lower regions. He became aware of Harry’s semi-erect dick still embedded in his bottom. Oops.

Goyle played stupid and continued staring at the conjoined couple.

Draco fought the urge to slap Goyle hard, but that would be so — gay. He settled for a withering glare instead. “Do you mind?” he snapped waspishly. Harry twitched inside him, and that, in Draco’s expert opinion, was not a good sign. The dark-haired wizard was getting his second wind, voyeur notwithstanding. He pushed back accidentally, and cursed as Harry hardened.

“Harry,” he warned, from the corner of his mouth.

Harry grinned delightedly and rolled his hips. “Yes, love?”

“I want to go home,” Draco insisted. “NOW!”

They both flipped their middle fingers at Goyle and Disapparated.

Goyle stared at the mess on the floor and shook his head in disappointment. He cursed his sodding bad luck. It would have been educational to actually see the two in action. He had heard the sound effects many times before but never had been party to the actual view.

Oh well, maybe next time.


~ FIN ~

© Zed Adams 2003 ~ ANALogy & TOPology
Okay folks, I know I can\'t make you read and let alone review, but I\'d really appreciate if you would -- even if it\'s to tell me to go stick my imaginary dick in the blender and set it on HIGH and never write again.

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