Spoons

Title: Spoons
Author: Lily Malfoy lysrouge
Rating: R
Word count: ~1500
Pairing: Ron/teaspoon
Summary: Virginity is lost.
Warnings: Er... major squick factors within (for some) such as sex with a magically enhanced inanimate object, and character death.
Disclaimer: I don\'t own a damn thing, and this sure as hell won\'t earn me any money.
A/N: Written for scribbulus_ink\'s I don\'t want to die a virgin challenge. Um I think this is the point where we say lock away Lily and throw away the key because she is certifiably insane. Thanks to gigiaiko for the beta job. I was going to have the lovely merrycontrary beta, but alas I was to eager to get this out.

The sky is bleak and dusty, the ground hard and barren. I lie here in the dirt wondering if anyone is going to find me, or if I am just going to end up another useless corpse in the war, discarded and unwanted. Of no use to anyone, no use even to myself.

It's hard not to think these disheartening thoughts in times as dark as these. I was once of use, I was once a hero. Now I'm nothing.

I wonder if there's any purpose to life. I find my thoughts drifting to the meaning of things; and I realize the purpose of life is to procreate. Not death and destruction. Not war, but love. Sex. I realize I'm going to die out here. I'm going to die alone and a virgin. I don't want to die a virgin. I want my life to have meaning.

So I'm not a complete virgin, I've had oral sex before. Quite nice it was. I make it sound like it was a one time thing, but it wasn't. Oh there were several times she went down on me. I'd tell you who she was, but I prefer to remain quite discreet. Oh the joys a tongue can bring you. What I wouldn't give for some good oral right now. What I wouldn't give for sex of any kind. With anyone, with anything. Just"¦ Merlin, I don't want to die a virgin.

I'd like to get up. Instead I lay here, motionless. The sounds of the earth around me are nearly silent. A light smattering of dust covers my body, marring my appearance. I wonder if someone finds me, if they'd even consider taking me. I wonder if I'll even have the energy for sex. Fuck it. I will force myself to have the energy.

If I really wanted, I could get up. But it's too much to contemplate. Really doesn't make sense that it would take so much thought to get up. Even worse is that I keep thinking of other things, things that require much more than an act as simple as getting up.

Watching the sky is most intriguing. I get to see the day begin and end, and am blinded mid-day as the sun beats down on me. I watch the clouds float on by and just wish that one of them would swoop down and pick me up. Pick me up and take me away. Anywhere, just not here.
How many days have I laid here thinking? Just thinking. Pondering life's uncertainties. What makes something certain? Is it fate? Is it persistence? Time has little meaning to me. But it's a certainty in life. It will always be there; it will always pass.

Birds flying overhead are not a certainty, though an experience I've suffered many times. However, a bird taking a shit as it flies overhead is a certainty. They can't seem to let a dying man alone. They have to make my suffering worse. They have to t me me because I haven't got the energy to move.

I remember my days at Hogwarts. Those were wonderful days. Full of bad news, but wonderful. I was clean, well rested and had plenty of energy. Though I absolutely hated Trelawney's class. Cruelty to spoons I tell you.

Merlin, I hope someone finds me soon. I hope"¦ oh look! I have been found. My heart rejoices. Perhaps I shall not die a virgin after all. Perhaps I shall die happy and sated and a sex god. Yes a sex god. I shall die a sex god.

A few charms are muttered and I find myself able to stand up and shake myself clean. Well not clean, but cleaner. I decide sitting is better and I look up at the young man that has rescued me. He's quite handsome I must say. But then again I'd think a lot of things are handsome right now. But I believe he really is handsome.

His skin is smooth; pale even. Coated in freckles and smudges of dirt, well at least what I can see. His hair is dirty and greasy, but I can see that it's red. A rather charming shade of red. There are cuts along his jaw that haven't properly healed. I wonder what could have caused them.

He smiles at me and I find myself ready to die. But no! I can't die. Not yet. I am still a virgin. I must become a sex god first.

"Hello," he says, his voice is rough, dry, and raspy. It's a wonder he isn't coughing, dust and dirt spraying from his lips. He's got rather nice lips, though they are chapped. I don't think he'd give good oral at this point; too dry.

Lips, he licks his lips and watches me with amusement as I shift in my seat. And he smiles again. But there's a spot of dirt on his front tooth and I want him to know so he can get it off. How does one bring up that sort of thing? My guess is it's rather impolite. So I let it be.

"My name's Ron, Ron Weasley," he says and picks me up, setting me on his knee. "What's your name?"

I realize I haven't got a name. I have nothing to tell him.

"You probably haven't got one, have you?"

I shake my head no.

"That's no good. I'll have to give you a name. Can I call you Merlin? Would that be acceptable?"
I nod. Merlin is a brilliant name. One that I would be honoured to have. He's leering at me, I think. No one's ever leered at me. I wonder if he's feeling ok. He sighs and I want to ask him if he's all right, but I don't want to be rude. He's been nothing but nice to me.

We continue to converse for a while. Well, he speaks and I listen, nodding when appropriate. He's lived quite the adventurous life. And he was in Trelawney's class. Which he hated too. We have so much in common.

His fingers begin slowly running along my body and I wonder what he's got in mind. He asks me if I want to be clean and I nod eagerly. He spits on me and then rubs his saliva around, coating me. He un-tucks a corner of his shirt and wipes me dry and I am clean again. I wiggle happily in his hand. What a wonderful day.

"I don't want to die a virgin," he says holding me up by his face.

I nod some more.

"Are you a virgin?" he asks.

I droop my head. He runs his finger along the base of my, for lack of better word, chin. I look up at him and nod.

"It's ok," he reassures me. He then asks me the one question I never thought I would hear. "Do you want to have sex with me?"

I go limp in his hand. I'm happy oh so happy. Happier even than when he found me. After the initial happiness wears off I spring back to form and look eagerly up at him. He sets me on his knee so that he can take off his trousers, picking me back up before sliding them down to his knees.

"This might hurt a little," he says, though at this point I am unsure if he's talking to me or to himself. It doesn't matter though. He gets to his knees and spits on me again, this time only along my body.

He then grasps my head and guides me to his entrance as he leans forward so that he is on hands and knees. I feel myself slide into him and he makes these odd noises as he releases me. I begin wriggling around pumping in and out of him. The odd noises continue and he's rocking back and forth calling out my name. Merlin. I am Merlin. And oh god its so good.

After a while I find myself in a sticky mess on the ground and Ron is lying down next to me. I get up and hobble over to him, only to find that he's not breathing. I can't feel his breath and I'm standing right against his nose. I lie down next to him and look up at the sky. Guess I'm back to square one.

Or perhaps not, as I am no longer a virgin. I can die happy now. I look up at the sky and realize, teaspoons don't have a purpose of life, because we don't live"¦