Liar

Update 10/05/05: As per the new rules, I\'m adding a disclaimer here.
Disclaimer: Pursuant to copyright law, I acknowledge that I own none of the characters, concepts, or other related material in Harry Potter. I make no money from the writing of fan fiction based on the property of others. I\'ve already credited the song, but just in case: the lyrics of \"Closer\" are the property of someone else.

***Words in italics are from the NIN song \"Closer.\"***

You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you

Help me
I broke apart my insides
Help me
I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

I know no emotions but hatred and rage and need. And emptiness, an echoing feeling like the sound of footsteps in the deserted corridor where we meet each night. Your kisses are gentle and apologetic. I hate you.

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

The room is there because we need it to be. You told me about it in a strained whisper, begging my word of honor that I would not betray the secret. I have not. When we first began this strange liaison, I was rough with you, purging myself by abusing your body and trampling your emotions. You were patient. Damn you. Why do you love me? We cannot beu knu know this and yet you still meet me in the cool, silent darkness. Your lips touch my skin.

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

Help me
Tear down my reason
Help me
It\'s your sex I can smell
Help me
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else

I am haunted by my loneliness, but when I am with you I can forget. I love no one, not man nor woman nor creature. I do not love you, and I hate you for knowing and yet not being hurt by my apathy.

Once I believed so strongly in the cause that I was willing to accept the consequences. I have lost my faith, and with it my strength. In daylight I maintain my façade, but in the warm diffuse glow of the lamps, as you undress me gently, I give in. Your eyes are kind and understanding; they make me angry. Why do you come to me each night? Why do you leave the woman who loves you and the friends who care for you? I hate you.

Do you understand? I hate you! But when your head drops to my chest and your lips and teeth and tongue caress my skin, I forget that I hate you.
You
You let me fuck you. I don’t understand. I’ve never given you anything in return. Aren’t you ashamed? Doesn’t it make your cheeks burn to know that you’re submitting yourself to your worst enemy? Sometimes when I’m done with you I cry, silently, rolling away from you so you cannot see my face. They are tears of my impotent rage and of an unquenchable need that only you can even begin to fill. I thought I hid my tears from you.

Last night you knelt beside me and brushed the tears from my cheeks with your thumbs and your lips. You held me as long as I would let you. I dressed in silence and left you there. And today in class my heart sank as we were made partners. Your hands were dirty with good honest soil, and a smudge found its way onto your cheek. I resisted the urge to wipe it away. Instead I insulted you, hiding behind the trusted shield of sarcasm and condescension. You responded in kind.

I stand in the corridor, listening as your footsteps approach me. I hate you.

I hate you!

Your hands find my shoulders and you kiss me as though I might shatter. Oh, god. The tears have started already. Like a piece of paper discarded, I crumple. You catch me; your arms are so strong.

“Don’t touch me,” I hiss, drawing away. You touch my back, your tone soothing. I whirl, fist clenched, and strike. In slow motion I watch your head snap back, blood leaping from your lip. And then you slowly, carefully lower your chin.

“Draco, I know you’re hurting,” you whisper. “Please. I love you. Let me help you.”

You grunt with the force of my second blow, but still you don’t raise your hands to defend yourself. If you chose, you could harm me. You’ve become a man while I wasn’t looking. I strike again and again, watching you absorb the punishment. It doesn’t take long for my energy to be spent.

I fall into your arms and you cradle me like a child. Like I am the one who is bleeding. Gently you lead me to the secret place, and as you kiss me I feel like a fool.

“I’m sorry I hit you,” I say. The words sound empty.

And you say nothing. With more gentleness than I knew I possessed, I touch your face. I stroke your hair, aflame in the lamplight. I pull you to me and feel you envelop me in safety and love.

“I hate you,” I whisper. “I hate you.”

“I know.”

Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey
Inside your hive
You are the reason
I stay alive