Die A Virgin
Die A Virgin
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Title: Die a Virgin <
Author:
Pairings: SB/HP SB/RL
Ratings/Warnings:
Disclaimer: All
characters belong to J.K.Rowling, no copyright infringement
is intended.
Remus Lupin’s
Cottage
Summer after Harry’s 7th
year
1\'> “Are you quite sure you’ll be all right by yourself,
Harry?”
1\'> Harry no.
seventeen, Remus, not seven. I’ll be
fine.”
1\'> Lupin’s thin smile did not
touch his weary grey eyes. It never did
anymore, not since that day, over three months ago, when they had returned from
the Wizengamot hearing.
1\'> “I know.” He
rested his hand briefly on Harry’s shoulder.
“Just indulge me – I may not be your parent, but I worry like one.”
1\'> Harry rose. He was
taller than Lupin now. He was almost as
tall as Sirius.
1\'> “I think you have enough to worry over.
some essential errand would draw Lupin from the cottage that had been his
self-imposed prison. Too much time spent
shut up in the darkness had left the man thin and shaking, paler than
normal.
1\'> “I’ll only be a few hours.
wants to see me.”
1\'> That was a lie.
They both knew. Dumbledore had
been clear on more than one occasion that in his opinion, Harry and Remus both
needed to let go. Not yet, Harry’s eyes
pleaded silently.
1\'> “No,” Lupin replied.
“Not yet. But
I’ll hear him out – I owe him that much.”
1\'> Remus was gathering up the last of his parchments,
shoving them into his battered case, the case that Harry had first seen on the
Hogwarts Express at the start of his Third Year.
Harry was even born.
1\'> A piece of parchment lay wedged behind a cabinet.
1\'> “Thanks,” he said, then scanned the contents.
in his fist.
1\'> “What is it?” Harry took it from the older man’s clenched
fist and began to read. “The Ministry of Magic is pleased to inform you that in
light of recent testimony and evidence, you are hereby exonerated –
It was the Ministry decree clearing Sirius.
1\'> Lupin closed his case and left the kitchen for the back
bedroom where he slumped against the doorframe.
1\'> “How could they, Harry? After all he did in the war, all
his service for the Order. He nearly
died at the Department of Mysteries. He
fought against the Death Eaters even though he was ated ted man.
parchment and this living death.” Lupin walked to the bed, gazing down.
that day?”
1\'> Harry had no need to ask what day.
meaning.
1\'> “At least he wasn’t Kissed.”
pompous Fudge. “’How was I supposed to
know he’d react this way?’ As if that fucker didn’t know exactly what he was
doing.”
1\'> Harry made no reply.
He didn’t trust himself to talk about Fudge.
1\'> They stood in silence, watching the slow, regular
breathing of the silent man on the bed, then Remus
Lupin bent down, brushing his lips gently against his lover’s forehead.
1\'> “I shouldn’t be more than three or four hours.
tear before leaving.
'> Harry stood quietly, continuing to watch as Sirius Black
lay silent as death, but yet still alive.
Remus was right. It wasn’t
fair. It was a travesty.
1\'>
It
had been the month before he was to leave Hogwarts permanently that Dumbledore
had agreed to let him spend a weekend with Remus and Sirius.
Dumbledore rarely explained anything, so Harry had gone gratefully.
1\'> They had been sitting at dinner when he finally
registered the strained silence between his godfather and his friend.
addressed carefully to Harry, but not to each other.
1\'> “Okay, give over – what’s wrong?” he finally asked.
1\'> Sirius caught Remus’s eye. “I told
you he’d notice, Moony. The boy’s as
smart as we ever were.”
1\'> “Smarter than you, apparently Padfoot.
1\'> “The Ministry?
voice was met with stony silence.
“Please – no more secrets.”
1\'> Remus rose from the table and shoved his dishes angrily
into the sink. “This is your decision –
you tell him. I’m going to my
Sirius watched him stomp off down the hall.
godfather grinned fondly.
1\'> At any other time Harry might have pursued
beginning to suspect that there was more than friendship between the two men,
but on this night, he would not be distracted.
“What’s going on?” he repeated.
1\'> “Let’s take a walk.”
1\'> It had been a beautiful early summer ni
filled the sky, dimming even the brightest stars.
louder than Harry had ever remembered.
Sirius led him back toward an old gardening shed next to an old stone
wall.
1\'> “Sit down, Harry.
I do have something I need to tell you.”
1\'> Harry’s heart began pounding – nothing involving the
Ministry of Magic was ever good.
1\'> “Peter has been captured.”
1\'> Relief. “Then you’re free!”
Harry jumped up and caught Sirius in a big hug.
His godfather stayed strangely still in his arms.
murdering a man who’s alive?”
1\'> Gently Sirius pushed Harry back onto the wall.
some confusion about that. I can’t be
completely cleared of all charges without a hearing.”
1\'> Harry didn’t understand.
“So they hold a hearing, they question Wormtail under
> Sirius turned away, facing out into the night, hands in
the pockets of his faded jeans. “It
isn’t that easy. Fudge has made it clear
to Dumbledore that the only way I will ever be cleared is if I agree to testify
myself, before the Wizengamot.”
1\'> “But that would mean you’d have to turn yourself in.
it’s too much risk to take!” Harry’s throat constricted.
1\'> Sirius must have caught the fear in his voice, because he
turned back around and encircled Harry with his strong arms, holding him
tightly.
1\'> “I have to do this,” he said fiercely.
Remus, to myself. I’m trapped and dependent
and all the things I swore I’d never be.
Harry, I didn’t escape from Azkaban to spend the rest of my life in a
different kind of prison, to exchange one cage with another.”
1\'> Sirius sat down on the wall, his head in his hands.
off after Peter –“
1\'> “You don’t know that!” Harry choked.
1\'> “Yeah, I do. And
didn’t I say not to argue with me? You
have no respect for your poor old godfather.”
1\'> “You’re not old,” said Harrnd tnd then acting on impulse,
he leaned into Sirius and kissed him on the lips.
1\'> Sirius sat frozen while Harry’s warm mouth pressed
against his. Harry was expecting his
godfather to push him away, to get up. What he did was to bring his arms around
his godson and open his mouth slightly, responding and deepening the kiss until
they broke apart, breathless, and Sirius held Harry out at arm’s length.
1\'> Neither spoke.
Harry stared at the ground, embarrassed.
He felt Sirius’s hand on his chin, raising his eyes to meet his own.
1\'> “You’re not going to lose me, Harry.
1\'> And Harry had trusted that promise, as Sirius had trusted
Dumbledore and Fudge and surrendered himself the next morning to await the
trial he had been denied for 16 years.
1\'> Harry did not need a pensieve
to recall what happened next. The
courtroom appeared in every nightmare, every time he closed his eyes.
1\'> The noise had been deafening.
escape from Azkaban finally brought to justice.
Harry had followed Dumbledore down the center aisle to a bench right
behind the defendant’s table where Sirius would sit.
already waiting for him there. They
seemed to instinctively know that Harry did not want to talk.
1\'> “Harry! Harry
Potter!” An annoyingly familiar voice
screamed his name over the din. Harry
turned around and groaned. Barreling
down the aisle towards him, Quick Quotes Quill at the ready was Rita
1\'> “So, Harry, any comment for our readers today?” she
asked.
1\'> Hermione let go of Harry’s hand and stood up. “Bug
off.”
1\'> “Yeah,” Ron joined in.
“Stop bugging him.”
1\'> Skeeter blanched at their
She cast her eyes around the room, desperately seeking another
victim. Remus Lupin had appeared at the
doors of the courtroom. He looked like
pure hell.
1\'> “OOO!”
for the Daily Prophet. Is it true
that you are Sirius Black’s lover? Do
you have a comment for our readers? Are
you aware that the Ministry is considering charging you as an accessory to
Black’s escape? What do-
Harry and the others.
1\'> “Stupid cow,” Ron muttered.
can’t imagine two blokes can just be good friends?” Hermione gave him a strange
look. “Ron…” she began, but Harry had picked up on Skeeter’s
last question.
1\'> “Are they really charging you?
anxiously.
1\'> “No, but I have been helping him since,
and the Ministry bloody well knows it.
Don’t worry, though. My immunity
was one of the bargaining points Sirius used to negotiate his surrender.
Sunday.” Lupin fell into gloomy silence.
1\'> The judges had entered, the full Wizengamot,
less Dumbledore who would be speaking for Sirius.
Harry’s hearing almost three years before was presiding.
1\'> She rapped her gavel sharply against the high bench.
clear. This is a court of high justice, not
a street fair. I will not tolerate any
if I feel it is necessary. I hope that
is understood?” She fixed Rita Skeeter with a stony
stare. “Very good,
then. Bailiff, if you please?”
1\'> The Bailiff, a rather large wizard with a beefck,
ck,
stepped forward. “The Ministry of Magic
versus Sirius Orion Black will come to order.
Bring in the accused.”
1\'> All eyes turned to the left of the courtroom where Sirius
would appear. But then, something unexpected had happened.
flickered and died. Harry shivered with
cold.
1\'> “Not Harry, please not Harry!” he heard his
mother’s voice, echoing in his mind.
Shaking his head, forcing the vision back, he looked up.
1\'> Two dementors, an unconscious man suspended between them,
glided into the room.
1\'> Remus and Harry were both on their feet, wands drawn, but
Dumbledore was faster. Eyes blazing
fire, arms outstretched, he cried, “Expecto
1\'> A shining silver phoenix shot from his wand, driving the
dementors away and Sirius collapsed on the floor and lay as though dead.
1\'> Harry could not clearly recall the details of what
followed. He knew that at one moment,
Remus was frozen at his side, wand out, and then seemingly without moving, he
was cradling Sirius in his arms, tears covering his normally reserved
face. He remembered dimly that Ron and
Hermione had helped him forward, had kept the press back as he knelt beside his
godfather, begging him to get up, his voice swallowed up in the din of the
room, the gavel pounding, the shouts of the press.
1\'> Very clear, however, was the self-satisfied smirk of
Cornelius Fudge as he faced down Dumbledore’s wrath.
peace between the two men, Fudge still hated and resented Dumbledore as well as
Harry himself. He couldn’t openly attack
the beloved Headmaster or the Boy Who Lived, but he could hurt them through
Sirius.
1\'> “How could this have happened?” Dumbledore’s voice was
quiet, but Harry shivered at its intensity. “Prisoners awaiting trial are never
housed near dementors.”
“Ah,
yes, my dear Dumbledore, but Black was already convicted, and the rules are
quite clear that Azkaban prisoners must be guarded by Azkaban guards.”
ineffectual seeming Fudge had the courage to meet Dumbledore’s eyes.
days. Well, judging by the screams,
anyway.”
1\'> It was only Harry’s Seeker fast reflexes that had allowed
him to catch hold of Remus’s robes as he lunged for
Fudge. Now, looking at the devastation
that Remus’s life had become, Harry thought that it
might have been better to let his godfather’s partner go down fighting.
1\'> Harry shook his head, freeing himself from the burdens of
memory. Now was what mattered.
Azkaban or of public opinion, or even of
but of his own mind.
1\'> He watched the gentle rise and fall of his godfather’s
chest. Even comatose, the man was
beautiful. The chiseled features were at
peace, the strong body, kept clean and fed by spells, had not yet started to
atrophy. His hair glowed like a black
pool, spilling across the linen pillow cover.
1\'> One strand lay askew.
Harry gently replace it, and at on his godfather’s bedside.
1\'> “Professor Dumbledore says you can hear us.”
Sirius’s hair. “I hope that’s true.
we all miss you so much.”
1\'> His hand followed the line of Sirius’s hair, down his
shoulder and onto the bare arm that lay atop the sheets, lovingly positioned by
Remus.
1\'> “I need you, Sirius.
I need you here with me. I finished
at Hogwarts, you know. I was supposed to
start Auror training this summer, but I just can’t bring myself to work for the
Ministry after-“ his voice broke, and he swallowed
convulsively, fighting for control.
1\'> “Ron and Hermione both work there, though.
be Minister for Magic someday. They’re
getting married, next spring. I’m to be
best man, just like you were for my mum and dad.”
feather light touches up and down Sirius’s arm.
1\'> “They’re disgusting really, can’t keep their hands off
each other, and Ron keeps trying to set me up with Ginny.”
Sirius’s cheek, revelling in the rough feel of the
stubble, stroking softly.
1\'> “He’s always after me about it.
tell them that I’m just not interested?”
There was, of course, no answer.
1\'> “I’>“I’ve got something to tell you, Sirius.
Feast.” His throat tightened.
the war. I wanted you to be there.
know.The Weasleys
said I should think of them as my family, butnow now they were really there for
Ron. Tonks
came, and Mundungus, and Remus even left you with
Kingsley for an hour, but it wasn’t the same.”
He swallowed, forcing back the tears that were welling in his eyes.
1\'> “You’y fay family, Sirius.
be. I could always count on you, always
trust you. That’s why I wanted to ask you…” Harry stretched out onto the bed
and buried his face in Sirius’s shoulder, smelling the clean scent of his
hair. This would be easier to say if he
wasn’t looking the man in the face. He
spoke quickly, quietly.
1\'> “I wanted to ask you to be my first – my first…” He
couldn’t think of a word that would really capture what he was asking for
without sounding crude, so he hurried on.
1\'> “I’ve kissed a few girls, boys too – I’ve had offers of
more, but I’ve never wanted anybody else that way – just you.”
Sirius’s faded pyjamas.
1\'> “It started in Fourth Year, during the
I started having these dreams, and you were in them, holding me,
protecting me, and then you were kissing and touching me.
and think about you.” The shirt was , he was
caressing the broad chest, playing softly in the scattering of dark hair.
1\'> “I felt so guilty.
You were my godfather, after all.
But I couldn’t help it. It’s not
like it would have been if you’d raised me.”
He broke off, hands paused, realising that
this could sound reproachful.
1\'> “I know you would have been there for me if you could.”
He gently kissed Sirius’s stubbly cheek, then
continued. “But you can be here for me now.”
Harry continued the kisses down his godfather’s neck.
quickly said, not wanting to remind his godfather of the place he hated, “when
you and Snape were fighting over me, I could feel all this power and passion
just pouring off of you – you would have killed him roterotect me.
1\'> His mouth had reached Sirius’s chest, and his hand was
toying with the elastic of the older man’s pyjama
bottoms.
1\'> “Even now, laying here, you’re
so hot I candly dly keep my hands off you,” he chuckled gently.
huh?”
lasslass=MsoNormal>1\'> Harry lay his head on Sirius’s
chest. Looking down the lanky body, he
noticed a definite bulge that had not been there before.
1\'> “You can hear me, can’t you?
se
you.” He nuzzled his face into his
godfather’s neck, no longer fighting back his tears, but letting them flow, hot
and salty. “It’s so unfair.
you’ve suffered so much for all of us.
Twelve years in Azkaban when you were innocent, then risking the Kiss to
break out to save me from Wormtail.
You’ve watched over nd pnd protected me and loved me.
much that means.Your whole life has
been a gift to me – please wake up, please let me repay you.”
1\'> Harry felt something wet hit his forehead and looked
up. Sirius was crying, slow tears
sliding down from his expressionless eyes.
Burying his face once again, Harry pleaded.
I’ll just have to die a virgin.” It was
a feeble attempt at humour.
1\'> “Can’t have that now, can we?”
1\'> Now that his goal was achieved, Harry was suddenly very
aware of what he had been saying, how he had been touching this man, who had
been his de facto parent since he was 13.
His face flushed and he looked at the floor.
1\'> “How much of that did you hear?” he asked quietly.
1\'> “Oh, all of it.”
Harry couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or amused.
then fall back onto the bed.
1\'> “Merlin, I’m weak.
Listen, Harry – don’t be embarrased or
ashamed. Never be ashamed of
loving. I learned that lesson the hard
way.”
1\'> Harry looked at him, questioning.
1\'> “Another time, okay?
Could I trouble you for some water?”
1\'> “Of course, I’m sorry – I didn’t think…” There was this
strange formality between them.
Things would never be the same again; he knew it.
1\'> “Harry, it was like being in a well, or a cave deep
underground.” Harry held the glass up
for his godfather, who sipped, then fell back exhausted from even that small
exertion. “I could hear, I could feel,
but there was a wall, or a great chasm between me and all of you.
heard Remus…” Sirstopstopped, aware that some things were private. “But you reached
me.” He grasped Harry’s hand. “Thank
you.”
1\'> “Yeah, I reached you all right.
myself.” Harry continued to study the
floor.
1\'> Sirius paused.
“Harry, did you mean the things you said? Do you really want me?”
1\'> Again, Harry hung his head.
1\'> Sirius pushed against the bed, trying to come to a
sitting position. “Do you know how
wonderful that makes me feel? You are so
goddamn beautiful, so good, and I’m…”he broke off and laughed.
1\'> Harry looked down at the planes of his godfather’s still
handsome face, at the soft fall of black hair.
He remembered how Sirius had looked in the photo from his parents’
wedding. That boy had been pretty, but
the man before him was truly beautiful, and not only on the outside.
1\'> “I think you’re beautiful, Sirius.” He said shyly.
1\'> “I’m too weak to argue with you. Listen, Harry, if you
really want me, I’d be honoured to be your first.”
1\'> Obviously even the few minutes spent with his head
elevated was taking its toll, as Sirius sank backwards.
back, or it will be your first, and my last.”
1\'> Harry paused, then thought of
something. “What about Remus, will he
mind?”
cla class=MsoNormal>1\'> Sirius sighed. “So you know about us, then.
I wanted to tell you, but Remus convinced me to wait till you were
through with school.”
1\'> “Well, it was kind of obvious from the way he took care
of you. But really, I don’t want to come
between you two.” He smiled.
1\'> Sirius returned the smile. It was dazzling.
itself could come between Remus and me.
He won’t mind.” He paused,
considering, then chuckled.
1\'> Harry looked worried. “We don’t have to-“
1\'> “Not jealous of you, but of me, silly
boy.” He reached up to tousle
Harry’s already chaotic hair, and Harry slid down to
rest safe in his godfather’s arms.
Fin.