Until It Pardon Me

Until It Pardon Me
by Maeglin Yedi

Pairing: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Rating: NC-17
Warnings/category: angst, drama
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. Never will be. J.K. Rowling owns them all.
Archive: http://forever-rebel.net/maeglinyedi
Feedback: most welcome, maeglin.yedi @ lycos.nl

Summary: Thirteen years between then and now. Thirteen years Remus can\'t forget and Sirius doesn\'t want to remember.

A/N: Big thanks to Gina for the beta!

--------


\"I\'ll make us something to eat. Something warm,\" Remus said, and pushed himself up while Sirius sat down at the worn kitchen table.

\"Since when do you know tow to cook?\" Sirius asked, and Remus turned away from the counter to give Sirius an answer but lost himself in the unfamiliar sight Sirius made, sitting there at his table, in his kitchen. Sirius\' hair was still damp from his shower, and still longer than Remus had ever seen it, and still tangled at the ends. He was wearing one of Remus\' robes, which should have been too small for him, but which was hanging off his thin shoulders anyway.

\"I learned,\" Remus answered at last, and thought about adding an explanation to that, but if Sirius didn\'t understand the way Remus\' life had been all those years, Remus didn\'t think he felt like explaining it. Not yet, anyway.

\"Ah. Yeah. Makes sense,\" Sirius mumbled, staring at the surface of the table until his hands found a discarded can opener. He took his time studying it, curling his slim fingers around the handle and tracing the rusty wheels. And just when Remus turned to the counter again, he added softly: \"You were a lousy cook, weren\'t you? That\'s how I remember it, but sometimes I think my memories are warped, missing parts, got mixed up along the way.\"

Remus glanced over his shoulder and nodded. \"I was a horrible cook. I have improved, though.\"

Dropping the can opener to the table, Sirius leaned back in his chair, and the corners of his mouth twitched up into something that came very close to a grin. \"I sure hope so, because if I do remember it cctlyctly, you have given me food poisoning at least three times.\"

For the first time since Sirius had shown up on his doorstep an hour earlier, Remus smiled.


-------

\"Would you care for a cup of tea in the living room?\" Remus asked, picking up his empty plate to dispose of it in the sink.

\"Sounds good.\" Sirius got up, and handed Remus his own plate. Remus nodded his thanks and put away the rest of their impromptu dinner. It had been a simple meal, soup and bread with cheese and ham, since Remus had not been expecting company. Not that he could afford anything more fancy, seeing that he\'d lost the only steady job he\'d ever had a year ago. But Sirius had attacked his meal as if he hadn\'t had anything that good in a long time. Which he probably hadn\'t, Remus supposed.

Remus tapped the kettle with his wand and waited for the water to boil, his gaze unfocussed and his thoughts scattered. When Sirius put his hand on Remus\' shoulder, Remus was not prepared for that sudden touch, and he felt himself stiffen despite his best effort not to.

They had touched briefly in the Shrieking Shack, shared a quick hug, but that had all been in the aftermath of discovering the truth, when Remus had still been high on the knowledge that Sirius was innocent. Before his mind had a chance to ponder long and hard on what that meant for him, for them, for what had happened and for what would happen.

He glanced ae hae hand curled around his shoulder, and noticed that it didn\'t look at all like the hand he remembered, the hand he\'d always believed had killed Peter, the hand that had sealed Sirius\' deal with Voldemort, or so he had thought. It was too bony and too pale, and Remus felt oddly happy that it looked differently than what he had remembered all those years.

\"Remus, I –\" Sirius started, but closed his mouth again, his hand tightening just a bit around Remus\' shoulder.

\"Let\'s just have our tea.\" Remus turned away to get some mugs, careful not to dismiss Sirius, but he didn\'t want to encourage him, either. Not yet, anyway.

-------

\"You taught Harry the Patronus Charm?\"

Remus nodded, put his empty mug down on the coffee table, and leaned back, turning to look at Sirius who was sitting on the other end of the creaky couch.

\"My, my, Moony, I\'m impressed. Even being a figure of authority didn\'t keep you from discarding the rules.\" Sirius emptied his own mug and rested it on his lap, giving Remus an approving look.

And while Remus understood that Sirius had meant it as a playful jest, a friendly stab at Remus\' protests whenever he or James came up with yet another prank during their Hogwarts years, Sirius\' comment only reminded him that he had discarded the rules, and not only those concerning teaching Harry an extracurricular charm.

He quickly averted his gaze, and he felt rather than saw Sirius shift on the couch to lean towards him.

\"I\'m sorry, Remus. I didn\'t mean anything –\"

Remus interrupted him with an irritated wave of his hand. \"Don\'t be sorry. I know I shouldn\'t have kept all I knew about you from Dumbledore. I just... couldn\'t let him know I had been betraying his trust in me for all those years when he had just put his neck out for me yet again by giving me that job.\"

Folding his hands in his lap, Remus kept silent, staring at the pile of magazines on the table. And then he realized Sirius was silent as well, which surprised him, because in the past Sirius had always been the one to rattle on during those moments Remus decided to keep quiet.

Perhaps twelve years in Azkaban had taught Sirius manners after all.

\"But then again, had I told them about your animagus form and your knowledge of all those secret entries into the castle, they would have caught you before you could have ever revealed the truth,\" Remus finally said, his voice even hoarser than it usually was, and he cast a sideways glance at Sirius, who looked at him quietly and then averted his gaze to look around Remus\' living room.

And then one of the questions Remus had been dreading ever since Sirius had set foot in his humble home rolled off Sirius\' tongue.

\"Moony, why on earth didn\'t you plunder my vault to get yourself something better than this... house?\"

Remus gritted his teeth and stopped himself just before he snapped something hateful at Sirius, like \'Some of us don\'t care about useless luxury,\' or \'I never needed your bloody money, Padfoot, not even when we were still together.\' Instead, he took a deep breath, and then said quietly: \"I thought you were a traitor and a murderer, Sirius. I wasn\'t going anywhere near your money, even if it could have helped me during certain times.\"

Sirius shrugged and got up, stepping up to the bookcase and tilting his head to look at the dusty book covers. \"If I were you, I\'d have emptied that vault faster than you can say \'Gringotts\' as a nice \'Fuck You\' to the one who had betrayed me.\"

\"But I\'m not you,\" Remus said with a tight smile.

\"I wouldn\'t have minded if you had.\" Sirius didn\'t turn, but kept his gaze fixed on the books and the small items Remus kept on those shelves.

Remus snorted. \"Oh yes, I guess I should have known that the man who had just killed three of my friends wouldn\'t object to me stealing his money.\"

That had come out a lot harsher than Remus had meant it, and he looked away when Sirius turned to frown at him.

He was getting a headache. One that would throb behind his eyes for hours, and wouldn\'t go away unless he took a painkilling potion, which he didn\'t have on hand because they were so bloody expensive. Remus rubbed his temples, and wondered why this had to be so hard. It had taken him a decade to come to terms with everything that had happened, and then his world had been turned upside down once again, and he learned that he had been trying to hate the wrong man for all that time.

\"What did you do with all of our things?\" Sirius asked quietly, running his fingers up and down the empty mug he was still holding.

Remus looked up and gave Sirius an apologetic smile. \"I gave it all away to charity.\"

\"Ah. That\'s rather noble of... you gave away my bike?!\"

Remus looked at Sirius with wide eyes, barely registering the crash as Sirius\' empty mug hit the floor, and realized that Sirius was looking as shocked by his own outburst as Remus felt.

Stone silence for a few moments, and then Remus couldn\'t help himself, and started to laugh, his headache forgotten and replaced by sheer amusement at Sirius\' dumbfounded expression.

Sirius joined in with a few barks of laughter before he sat down on the couch again and gave Remus a sad smile. \"I loved that bike.\"

\"I know,\" Remus said, trying to catch his breath. \"But you lent it to Hagrid, didn\'t you? I never asked for it back, so I suppose Hagrid still has it.\"

Heaving a sigh of relief, Sirius settled comfortably on the couch, draping one arm over the back, his fingers only inches away from Remus\' shoulder. \"Sorry about your mug. I\'d repair it, but I don\'t have a wand.\"

\"That\'s okay.\" Remus reached for his wand, repaired the mug with a flick and a whispered spell, and levitated it to the table. He didn\'t notice Sirius shift closer until he felt that hand on his shoulder again.

\"Remus, I...\"

Gripping both his hands around his wand, Remus tried to decide if that contact was welcome or made him feel uncomfortable. He wasn\'t sure. Part of him was screaming for more of those familiar but forgotten touches, and a different part of him wanted to slap Sirius\' hand away and ask him to leave right now so Remus could settle back into the way of life he had finally gotten used to.

He did neither, and just sat still, avoiding eye contact by closing his own eyes. Sirius kept quiet and all Remus could hear were soft and irregular breaths coming closer while the couch creaked.

\"It\'s been a long day,\" Remus said, and got up, keeping his back turned to Sirius. \"You can have the bed. I\'ll take the couch.\"

Sirius let out a grunted sigh, the one Remus recognized as the sound Sirius always made when something didn\'t go his way, and it almost made him turn around and sit back down and put Sirius\' hand back on his shoulder himself, but he didn\'t. He wasn\'t ready yet to take that step. For the past year, since he had learned of Sirius\' innocence, he had been convinced that when they were together again, Sirius would fill that hole inside of him that had been ripped open thirteen years ago. But now Sirius was here, and the hole was still there, empty and festering, and Remus was afraid it would never go away again no matter what Sirius did.

\"No, you take your bed. I\'m quite happy with the couch,\" Sirius whispered, and Remus almost didn\'t hear it through the cacophony of thoughts swirling through his mind.

\"Take my bed, Sirius.\" Remus turned around, slowly, and tried to give Sirius a stern gaze, the one he always used to let others know he had made up his mind.

\"For Merlin\'s sake, Moony! I haven\'t slept in a bloody bed for thirteen years and I have no particular need for it all of a sudden. Take your own bed and stop being so bloody difficult!\"

Remus felt his body take a step back at that outburst, and he cursed himself for it. Somehow his mind was still reacting to twelve years of lies, of hatred and fear for the man he had once loved, still loved. It was hard to look into Sirius\' blazing eyes and not hear all those voices telling him that his lover had betrayed their two friends, had killed their third friend, and had laughed all the way to Azkaban. It was very hard to remember that evening in the Shack last year when he had discovered the truth while Sirius was looking at him with a face screwed up in irritation and anger.

\"I\'m sorry,\" Sirius said, but Remus waved his apology away.

\"Like I said, it\'s been a long day. There are blankets in the cupboard. See you in the morning.\" And with that, Remus turned around and crossed the living room to his bedroom. He tried very hard not to slam the door behind him.

-------

Remus opened his bedroom door and was greeted with the sight of an empty couch, the smell of scrambled eggs drifting from the kitchen, and the sound of Sirius humming a song that had been a big hit some fifteen years ago.

Even though it had taken him hours to fall asleep, the night\'s rest had done him good, and he was feeling far more relaxed than he had yesterday. He was also determined to not let the past catch up with him anymore, and act normal and friendly towards Sirius. And by the look of things, Sirius was making a similar effort.

Smiling at Sirius\' off-key singing, Remus stepped up to the couch to fold the blanket that was lying bunched up on top of it, but he halted when he noticed it was covered in black dog hairs. That sight broke something inside Remus, a rusty lock he had kept on most of his memories for all those years, and while they had been leaking out one by one this past year, now they were freed all at once and flooded his mind. Remus was overwhelmed with all the good thoughts and feelings he\'d ever had about Sirius, and he had to swallow a number of times to keep himself together.

\"You\'re up. I gave breakfast a try,\" Sirius said from the doorway, smiling, but his face fell when he noticed Remus\' slumped posture. \"Moony, are you okay?\"

Remus nodded, feeling oddly choked. He returned Sirius\' smile as best as he could, and he had to restrain himself from stepping up to Sirius and pressing him against the wall and capturing his lips in a searing kiss that could well last all morning. Sirius was the one for rushing into things without any thought, not him. And Remus knew that even though he had found most of his feelings for Sirius once again, things weren\'t back to normal. Not yet, anyway.

\"Breakfast?\" Sirius offered, and Remus accepted it with another nod of his head before he followed Sirius into the kitchen.

\"Just some scrambled eggs and toast.\" Sirius held out the plate with toast as Remus sat down. Giving Sirius a grateful smile, Remus grabbed two slices and dropped them on his own plate. And noticed that the underside was rather blackened.

\"Obviously, I\'m a bit out of practice,\" Sirius said hurriedly, and buried Remus\' toast under a pile of scrambled eggs. After filling his own plate, Sirius sat down opposite of Remus, and gave him an expectant look.

\"It smells delicious, Padfoot.\" Remus took a demonstrative bite, and was happy to discover that the seasoned eggs did cover most of the charcoal taste of the burned toast.

They ate in silence, but it wasn\'t uncomfortable. For a moment, it even felt as if the last thirteen years hadn\'t happened, and they were eating breakfast together in their flat like any old day, before Sirius would rush off to work after smothering Remus in kisses and promises of all the things he would do to him when he got back that evening. And Remus would clean up, as was their agreement. Sirius did the cooking, and Remus was stuck with the dishes.

And then he would spend the rest of the morning going through the Daily Prophet\'s employment ads, sending out his CV by owl and fire-talking to potential employers. And he would still feel bitter that he had lost his job at the Ministry because he\'d been forced to take one too many sick days. The worst part was, however, that someone at the Ministry had figured out that Remus\' sick days always occurred around the full moon and had been spreading rumors about him, which meant that no one in the wizarding world was going to hire someone who might just be a werewolf.

That was perhaps why Sirius hadn\'t trusted him enough to tell him about the Secret-Keeper switch, Remus thought. Because he had been feeling bitter and angry about it. And he\'d even felt jealous about his friends, Sirius and James and Lily and Peter, who were all off making something of their lives while he was stuck at home receiving rejection after rejection. That was probably why Sirius had thought Remus might have turned to Voldemort, since he promised Dark Creatures equal rights.

And with that thought Remus found himself in the present again, not their flat, but his own small house, and Sirius wouldn\'t rush off to work because he was an escaped convict now, who hadn\'t got their friends killed, and who hadn\'t betrayed him in the end.

But no matter what had changed, some things never did, and Remus cleared his throat as he put his knife and fork down. While it had been the first thing Sirius had told him after Remus had opened the door yesterday, they hadn\'t talked about it since.

\"So, Voldemort is back,\" he said, looking up at Sirius. \"And what does Dumbledore suggest we do now?\"

\"He\'s getting the Order back together.\"

Remus nodded silently. That wasn\'t much of a surprise. \"And does he want us...\"

\"Yeah. I\'m sure he\'ll be in touch soon with details,\" Sirius said, and drained his cup of tea.

They stared at each other for a while, the reality of their lives weighing heavily between them, and it seemed hard to see each other through it. Sirius looked as if he wanted to say something, but closed his mouth the moment he\'d opened it.

\"I\'ve got to get some groceries,\" Remus finally said. \"I\'ll be back in an hour.\"

Sirius only nodded in response.

-------

It was pouring outside, and Remus stood soaked and dripping on the doormat. He put the grocery bags down beside him, and grabbed his wand to perform a drying spell so he wouldn\'t leak water all over the floor from the front door to the kitchen.

Running his hands through his freshly dried hair, Remus noticed that Sirius was sitting on the couch, staring at nothing in particular.

\"I\'m back,\" he said, rather superfluously, but Sirius showed no sign of even knowing he was there.

Remus took a tentative step towards the couch. \"Sirius?\"

Nothing. Sirius just sat there, hol hollow and empty, body very still.

Feeling his heart miss a beat, Remus crossed the small living room in a second, and put his hand on Sirius\' shoulder. \"Padfoot!\"

Bony fingers caught his wrist and squeezed, and Sirius looked up at Remus with narrowed eyes and oddly dilated pupils. \"Moon he he asked softly, and let go of Remus. \"I was just thinking, but sometimes I seem to drift off.\"

Remus said nothing, and sank down on the couch beside Sirius, wondering if his friend had gone insane or had fallen ill.

Smiling at Remus\' worried expression, Sirius stretched his legs and leaned back against the couch. \"My memory isn\'t whole anymore, and when I try to remember things I sometimes get stuck between my memories, in an empty space where I know there used to be thoughts. But no matter how hard I try to remember them, they never come back.\"

Swallowing against the sudden dry feeling in his mouth, Remus wasn\'t sure what to say, or if he should say anything at all. What could you say to your friend who had spent twelve years in hell for a crime he had not committed and who had literally lost part of his mind during that time? Remus didn\'t think there was anything he could say that would help Sirius, so he kept silent, and put his hand on Sirius\' shoulder, not squeezing but just resting, offering a touch, a bit of comfort, an old connection.

Sirius closed his eyes, and leaned his head on the back of the couch, and Remus thought he looked like someone who had spent twelve years underground and was feeling the sun on his face again.

He kept his hand there for a long time, and it didn\'t feel uncomfortable at all. It felt a bit familiar, even though in his memories Sirius\' shoulder wasn\'t this bony. But the warmth that seeped through the robe against Remus\' palm was something that he could still remember ever so clearly, and it warmed more than just his hand. He still didn\'t know what to say, but Sirius solved that problem by saying something out of the blue.

\"I talked to Dumbledore.\"

\"Oh. Did he have any news?\" Remus slowly slipped his hand off Sirius\' shoulder, and the moment their contact ended, Sirius opened his eyes and looked at Remus.

\"Not much. Most of the old crowd agreed on joining the Order again.\"

\"Ah. That\'s good news, I suppose.\"

Silence for a few moments, and then a soft whisper: \"I offered Dumbledore use of my family home as headquarters.\"

Remus blinked, and shifted on the couch to get a better look at Sirius. \"As headquarters? And would you have to stay there as well, then?\"

Sirius nodded and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, something he always used to do when he wasn\'t sure about something.

\"But you hate that house,\" Remus said with no small amount of astonishment.

\"It will be different.\" Sirius sat up straight, and let out a deep breath. \"It\'s an empty house now, but if Dumbledore uses it, most of the Order would be there quite a lot. And Harry would be able to visit there as well.\"

Remus smiled and stared at his shoes. He should have known it involved Harry somehow. If there was one thing Sirius had plenty of, it was loyalty, and it seemed Sirius was giving Harry the amount he had always given James in the past. So Sirius\' plan shouldn\'t really surprise Remus, but he was wondering why it made him feel so alone all of a sudden.

\"Can\'t Harry visit here?\" he asked softly, and Sirius quickly shook his head.

\"It\'s not safe here, according to Dumbledore.\"

Snorting, Remus leaned back on the couch as well, and crossed his arms over his chest. \"It\'s not like I\'m a Dark Arts specialist and know more spells, hexes and wards to guarantee safety than most Aurors do,\" he muttered, his jaws clenched.

\"That\'s not the issue, Moony. You\'re a good wizard. A very good wizard. But Dumbledore wants to use the Fidelius Charm on Grimmauld Place, to ensure everyone\'s safety,\" Sirius said, and Remus was surprised his voice didn\'t hitch one bit at the mention of that particular spell.

\"Who will be the... um...\" Remus found his voice failing him, and a mixture of unpleasant and unwanted thoughts and emotions coursed through him, leaving him shivering.

\"Dumbledore.\"

\"Okay,\" Remus croaked, and cleared his throat, tempted to ask Sirius if he was very sure about that, if only to break that odd tension lingering between them. But he didn\'t think Sirius would appreciate a joke on that subject. \"When will you leave,n?\"n?\"

\"I\'m not sure. Dumbledore has to set things up. In a few days, maybe,\" Sirius said, and looked apologetic, his eyebrows curved and his lips pursed.

And Remus wanted to protest. A few days. Sirius had only just got here. He couldn\'t just leave in a few days, not after all those years apart. They were supposed to spend time together, get to know each other again, or at least that\'s how Remus had envisioned their eventual reunion. But it seemed this wouldn\'t be a proper reunion after all, just a brief visit, and then Sirius would leave him again.

\"You can come if you want,\" Sirius whispered, looking Remus over carefully. \"The house is big enough.\"

\"Maybe,\" Remus said, and then added silently: \'But this isn\'t about me coming along, this is about you taking off again.\' He got up abruptly, grabbed the grocery bags and disappeared into the kitchen.

-------

After supper in the kitchen they retired to the living room for tea, which eventually became the cheap bottle of Muggle whiskey Remus had stashed away in a cupboard. It wasn\'t exactly Odgen\'s, but it burned on his tongue and set his throat on fire nonetheless.

Remus sat curled up on the couch, legs tucked under him and a book propped up on his lap. He sipped his whiskey and occasionally glanced at Sirius, who was sitting on the other end, paging through a pile of old Quidditch magazines Remus had dug up, muttering things like \'I can\'t bloody believe those idiots won that game.\'

It was comfortable, as comfortable as it got between old lovers who had spent thirteen years apart. They kept to themselves, besides the odd look here and there, trying to get used to simply being in the same house, in the same room again.

\"Moony?\"

Remus glanced up, peering over the rim of his reading glasses, and noticed that Sirius was looking at him oddly.

\"Can I ask you something?\"

\"Of course,\" Remus said, and slipped off his glasses, briefly rubbing the bridge of his nose.

\"Have you... during your time alone... um... you know, been with someone else?\"

That question sent an unpleasant shiver down Remus\' spine, and his first reaction was to not take it seriously, since humor had always been a good friend in camouflaging his dismay. \"Oh, I spent quite a few eventful nights in Snape\'s bed when I was teaching at Hogwarts, but besides that, I\'ve been celibate this last year.\"

Sirius threw a Quidditch magazine at Remus\' head. \"That\'s not funny, Moony.\"

Snickering, Remus toasted Sirius with his glass of whiskey and took a sip, hoping Sirius would drop the subject.

\"Have you?\" Sirius asked softly, apparently not ready to talk about something else yet.

Glancing down, Remus studied the words in his book, not understanding a single one of them. He realized that he had never talked about this with anyone. After all, he hadn\ad aad any friends left he could talk to about it. And while a part of him wanted to keep those thoughts and feelings and memories locked away safely, where they could harm no one and especially not himself, another part did want to tell someone. And Sirius did have a right to know, Remus supposed.

\"Everyone kept telling me I should move on with my life,\" Remus said, closing the book and putting it on the table. He shifted so he could look at Sirius, who was staring at him with some amount of trepidation written across his face. \"I didn\'t want to at first, but after five years or so I realized that perhaps it would be best to give life another try.

\"I was working in a Muggle supermarket, and I met this man who seemed interested in me. His name was Martin. A decent bloke. Proper gentleman and all.\"

\"Ah.\" Sirius wrinkled his nose.

\"So we went out for a while. Didn\'t work out, though.\"

\"Why not?\" Sirius asked, looking genuinely interested all of a sudden. \"Did he find out you\'re a werewolf?\"

\"Um... no.\" Remus felt his cheflusflush, which made Sirius grin and lean forward, eager to hear more. \"I... um... yelled the wrong name at a very embarrassing moment.\"

Sirius gaped at him for a moment, and then threw his head back and howled with laughter. Remus still wasn\'t quite sure if he should feel amused or not.

\"It was a very unpleasant experience,\" he muttered, fumbling with the glass in his hands.

\"I bet,\" Sirius hiccupped, and looked at Remus with a wide grin. \"I assume it was my –\"

\"Of course it was your name.\"

\"I feel flattered, really,\" Sirius said, and Remus picked up the magazine that had landed beside him earlier and threw it back at Sirius.

They looked at each other for a while, grinning, and then Sirius reached for the bottle of whiskey on the table, and refilled Remus\' tumbler before sloshing the rest into his own glass.

And for a moment, a few precious seconds, Remus imagined the last thirteen years hadn\'t happened, and they were enjoying their evening together as they always had, talking and listening and teasing and it would all result in kisses and sex that made Remus feel better than anything ever could.

\"Was this bloke the only one you were with?\" Sirius asked, grin gone and eyes looking serious again.

\"No,\" Remus said, his voice wavering as thirteen years caught up with him in the blink of an eye. \"I had some one night stands after that, but that\'s not really my cup of tea. For the last five years or so, there\'s been no one.\" He took a big gulp of his whiskey, and felt his eyes water as it burned his throat. But it felt far better than feeling Sirius\' gaze on him, and the whiskey did help to make him less aware of those eyes, not exactly accusing, but hurt nonetheless.

Sirius nodded, staring down at his glass. \"All right. I... um... understand.\" His voice was so soft, so unlike the Sirius Remus had known, that it made Remus feel as they would never be able to get over this and work through their past.

It made him feel uncomfortable, muscles tightening and skin crawling, and he made a desperate attempt to change the subject and get rid of that unwanted tension. \"And I assume you took every opportunity in Azkaban to get some, didn\'t you?\"

\"If only you knew about those midnight orgies among the prisoners, Moony,\" Sirius said with a half-grin, and it was exactly something Sirius would have said, but somehow it didn\'t sound right and it did nothing to ease the strained atmosphere choking the room.

Remus downed his whiskey, swallowed against the burn in his throat, and let out a deep sigh. \"It\'s late. It think we should call it a night.\"

Sirius said nothing, but gave a faint nod, and Remus got up. When he was halfway to his bedrooor, or, he got the sudden feeling he had to say something, but he couldn\'t find the words to describe the strange knot in his stomach or voice the desperate idea that perhaps he had been to blame for all of this and not Sirius.

He stood in the middle of the room, feeling more lost than he had felt right after Dumbledore had told him of his friends\' deaths and Sirius\' betrayal. Sirius looked up at him, brow furrowed, and then his lips twitched up in a smile.

\"Goodnight, Remus.\"

\"Goodnight.\" As he turned and entered his bedroom, Remus dared not wonder why it felt as if he was walking out on Sirius this time.

-------

The sight of Sirius on his knees in front of the fireplace, fumbling with a box of matches to get a fire going, was amusing but at the same time unsettled Remus. This wasn\'t the strong, young wizard he had once known. This was a broken man, condemned to live without magic, and Remus couldn\'t bear to see it.

\"Padfoot?\"

Sirius looked over his shoulder at him, eyebrows raised in curiosity.

\"You can have my old wand. If it suits you, of course,\" Remus said, and didn\'t wait for Sirius\' answer but crossed the room and kneeled in front of the chest. As he rummaged through it, he heard Sirius get up and make his way over to him.

\"You got a new wand?\" Sirius asked, his voice tainted with bewilderment, and he peered over Remus\' shoulder into the chest.

\"Yes. Same wood, just a different core.\" Remus grabbed the elegant black box, handed it to Sirius, and closed the chest before he scrambled back onto his feet.

\"Well, it used to work for me,\" Sirius said, opening the box and looking down at Remus\' old wand. He grabbed it carefully, as if it might break, and gave it an experimental flick. Remus could feel the faint ripple of magic around both of them, which brought a smile to Sirius\' face. \"Still works.\"

\"Good. It\'s yours, then.\" Remus was about to turn around, when Sirius\' smile faltered and he looked at Remus with wide, uncertain eyes.

\"Why did you get a new wand, Moony?\"

Remus let out a tired sigh and stared down at his shoes. The whole day had gone rather well. They\'d had pleasant conversation over breakfast and lunch and supper, and they had spent the rest of the time cleaning up and reading. Sirius had only asked about the things he\'d missed all these years, ongoing business at the Ministry, Harry\'s third year, Quidditch scores, and not once had it turned personal like last night.

Until now.

\"My old wand didn\'t work properly anymore after... that night,\" Remus said quietly, looking up and forcing himself to meet Sirius\' gaze. \"Dumbledore said that sometimes, a wizard\'s magical signature can change if he goes through a traumatic event.\"

\"Remus, I...\" Sirius whispered, but Remus dismissed him by turning his back to Sirius.

And then he felt a hand on his shoulder, but it wasn\'t the kind, gentle touch Sirius had been giving him until now. It was a firm grasp, clearly meant to get his attention.

\"Look at me, Remus.\" It wasn\'t a question.

Slowly, Remus turned, and looked up, pursing his lips.

\"You\'re going to let me apologize,\" Sirius said, and his voice was determined, leaving no room for debate. \"I\'m sorry, Remus. I\'m sorry for all the shit you\'ve been through because of this... because of me.\"

\"Don\'t,\" Remus croaked, and wanted to turn away again, but Sirius pulled him back none too gently.

\"Listen to me.\" Sirius\' eyes were blazing, bright blue circles with small, black pupils piercing straight into Remus\' mind. \"I\'m sorry. In fact, I don\'t think you have any idea how bloody sorry I am for all of this.\"

\"Please, don\'t,\" Remus whispered, and he felt something inside of him break, and a cold wave washed over him that kept telling him that Sirius shouldn\'t be the one apologizing here, because after all, Remus had been the one who hadn\'t believed him, who had all too eagerly accepted all those lies for truth.

He just had no idea how to ever tell Sirius that, so he turned again. This time Sirius didn\'t pull him back, and Remus felt his hand slipping off his shoulder.

And then Sirius punched him. It was more of a shove, really, right between his shoulder blades, and Remus stumbled over his feet to keep his balance. Feeling more than surprised, he turned to look at Sirius again.

\"Got your attention now, didn\'t I?\" Sirius crossed his arms. \"I\'m sick of it. Of this. Of you.\"

Remus opened his mouth, but said nothing.

\"I\'m so bloody sick of you not listening to me. Or talking to me,\" Sirius continued, and Remus looked at him quietly, baffled by Sirius\' outburst. \"So we\'re going to do it differently. Punch me.\"

\"What?\" Remus closed his mouth with a snap, sure that the twelve years in Azkaban had just caught up with Sirius and that he had finally lost his mind.

\"You heard me. Throw me your best punch. You used to have quite the mean left hook, Moony.\" Sirius spread his arms, and pointed at his own jaw as he offered it to Remus. \"Go on. Clearly you have a problem talking about things, so perhaps you\'d like to take it out on me this way.\"

\"No, I don\'t,\" Remus objected faintly, but Sirius quickly shook his head in disbelief.

\"Remus, you\'re not fooling me. I know you must have thought about hurting me during all these years. I\'m very sure you must have wanted to hit me last year, for not telling you about the switch, for me going after Wormtail, for me suspecting you were the traitor –\"

\"No, I haven\'t thought about that,\" Remus said, his voice trembling, and he stepped closer to Sirius, who gave him a defiant glare, arms still spread. A spark of anger ignited in Remus\' stomach, burning its way up his chest, searing and scorching.

\"Don\'t lie to me, Moony. I can see it in your eyes. You want to hurt me for being such a bloody idiot and for not trusting you. Here\'s your chance. Punch me. Do it already –\"

\"Would you shut up!\" Remus snarled, but Sirius went on.

\"You pathetic excuse for a werewolf. Where\'s that spirit you used to have, Moony? Old age made you a coward, has it? Come on then, punch me already! You\'re such a –\"

Without realizing what he was doing, Remus swung his arm back puncpunched Sirius in his face. His fist collided against the hard bones in Sirius\' cheek with a crack that sent nasty sparks up Remus\' arm. As he withdrew, Sirius lost his balance and fell to the floor with a dull thud. He looked up at Remus with a satisfied smirk on his face, but Remus barely saw it, distracted by Sirius\' earlier taunts and accusations.

\"Don\'t you see it, Padfoot?\" he yelled, glaring down at Sirius as he rubbed his sore hand. \"You\'re not the one who should be apologizing here. I should. I\'m the one who believed you could betray our friends, kill them. I\'m the one who let you rot in Azkaban. I let... I betrayed you, Sirius. I...\"

Remus\' voice abandoned him, and he stared down at Sirius, trembling, his heart racing in his chest and blood pounding in his ears.

\"Feel better? Good.\" Sirius pushed himself up and straightened, giving Remus a brief smile before he narrowed his eyes. \"Now it\'s my turn.\"

Remus had not expected the punch. Sirius\' fist hit the corner of his mouth, made his eyes water and sent sharp stings across his face. He stumbled backward but managed to keep his balance, and he wondered if Sirius was holding back or if Azkaban had sucked the strength out of him.

\"That\'s for being bloody stupid and ignorant enough to believe I could have ever done that to James.\" Sirius stepped closer, his expression mild now, and he put his hand on Remus\' shoulder and pulled him close. Remus was still baffled, and it took him a moment to realize Sirius was embracing him.

\"And this is for me ever believing you could have been the traitor,\" Sirius whispered against the nape of Remus\' neck, and Remus slowly wrapped his arms around Sirius\' back. \"I\'m sorry, Moony. I\'m so fucking sorry this had to happen to us.\"

A moment of expectant silence, and then Remus whispered: \"Me too.\"

They stood there, embracing, for a while, minutes, hours perhaps. Remus wasn\'t sure, since he lost himself in the touch of Sirius\' body against his own, warm arms around him, Sirius\' familiar, soothing scent everywhere. And Remus felt relaxed, at peace, and for the first time since Sirius had come to stay with him, convinced that things would work out.

\"Remus?\" Sirius asked, shifting his face on Remus\' shoulder so he could look at him. \"Got any ice in that cooler of yours?\"
mus mus noticed the bruise forming on Sirius\' cheekbone and chuckled.

Pulling back so he could sling his arm across Remus\' shoulder, Sirius led him to the kitchen. \"You still throw a wicked punch, Moony.\"

-------

\"Sirius, no.\"

\"Oh, come on, Moony. It will be just like old times.\"

Remus wanted to say that it would never be like old times again, but restrained himself, knowing it wouldn\'t do either of them any good to bring that up again when the last two days had gone so well. \"I\'m going to lock myself up like I always do. There are too many muggle villages nearby, and I\'m not taking any chances.\"

The look on Sirius\' face was that of a child not getting his way, and Remus half-expected Sirius to start stomping his foot.

\"Okay then,\" Sirius sighed. \"I\'d just been looking forward to it, is all. Moony and Padfoot. Like old times.\"

Nodding, Remus gave Sirius a brief smile, and turned his attention back to his book.

\"Where are you going to lock yourself up?\"

Remus pointed at the hatch in the ceiling. \"The attic.\"

\"Ah. How do you get up there?\"

\"It\'s got retractable stairs.\" Remus tried again to go back to reading, but Sirius looked from the hatch to Remus and back, frowning.

\"How do you get down again in the morning?\"

\"I climb down,\" Remus said, his voice tight. He knew Sirius was only concerned, as he had always been about Remus\' condition, butus wus wasn\'t used to anyone asking questions about it anymore and it was starting to irritate him.

\"You climb? When you\'re exhausted and battered and hurt and worn out? Do you want to break your neck?\" Sirius gaze had gone from inquisitive to angry.

\"If I feel particularly tired, I wait a bit before I climb down,\" Remus muttered, slamming the book on his lap shut and looking up at Sirius, daring him to comment on that.

But Sirius met his gaze and cocked an eyebrow. \"So you just lie up there all day. Real smart, Moony.\"

\"It has worked for me so far.\" Remus got up and stalked towards the ken. en. \"Tea?\"

\"Sure, thanks,\" Sirius said, and for a moment Remus thought he heard a muttered \'bloody stubborn werewolf\' as well.

-------

There wasn\'t a muscle in his body that didn\'t hurt. Even his eyelids protested as Remus opened them and blinked up into darkness. He was not going anywhere for a while, and he knew it, so he tried to relax on the hard attic floor, as he had done dozens of times in the past.

But then a burst of light blinded him, and he quickly closed his eyes. He heard footsteps on wooden stairs, and ispeispered voice, and then he was floating, but even the air around him seemed to hurt his bruised skin.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw his living room, and felt two arms carrying him when the spell ended. He blinked up into Sirius\' eyes, who was looking down at him with a smile.
I goI got you, Moony. I drew you a nice hot bath.\"

Remus let himself be carried, unconcerned about his nudity, since he definitely didn\'t have anything Sirius hadn\'t seen before besides a couple of new scars in odd places. Sirius kept silent as they entered the small bathroom adjoining Remus\' bedroom, and carefully put Remus down in warm, steaming water that rose up to his chin.

\"Thanks,\" he managed to whisper, his voice hoarse and his throat dry.

\"Shush. Just relax.\" Sirius brushed a few strands of hair out of Remus\' eyes, and grabbed a flannel. He reached for one of R\' a\' arms and started to wash it, soft strokes with the wet cloth, and Remus closed his eyes, resting his head on the edge on the tub and giving himself over to Sirius\' care.

Sirius took his time, running the flannel down every part of Remus\' body, from his face to his toes, all soft strokes in warm water, and Remus didn\'t think he\'d ever felt this cared for after a transformation. Cupping water in his hands, Sirius washed Remus\' hair, deft fingers massaging his scalp and rinsing it methodically.

\"Don\'t fall asleep just yet.\"

\"Hmm, no, \" Remus murmured, but it was hard not to give into the seductive pull of oblivion now that the pain was seeping from his body, driven out by familiar hands.

\"Can you stand?\"

\"Yeah, think so.\" Remus let Sirius help him out of the tub, strong hands supporting him and then he was wrapped in a large towel while he leaned his head on Sirius\' shoulder, exhausted.

Careful strokes with soft fabric as Sirius dried him off, and Remus yawned and smelled Sirius\' perfect scent all around him, warming him more than the towel d

\"I put clean sheets on your bed,\" Sirius said, and steered Remus into the bedroom before helping him down on the bed.

Remus smiled up at Sirius, shifting himself into a comfortable position under the blanket. \"It only took twelve years in Azkaban to domesticate you. We should have done that a lot sooner.\"

Snickering, Sirius brushed his hand over Remus\' hair. \"Get some sleep, Moony. I\'ll bring you something to eat later.\" Then he bent down, and pressed a kiss to the corner of Remus\' mouth.

Remus felt a flutter of something in his stomach before sleep claimed him.

-------

When he woke again, it was dark outside, and he could see a few stars twinkling in the ink-blue sky through the crack in the curtains. Remus shifted, stretching himself, but bumped into something, so he turned on his other side.

Sirius smiled at him, lying on the covers.

\"Hey,\" Remus said, a bit surprised that Sirius had joined him this time. Sirius had woken him earlier, and left him soup and tea, but hadn\'t joined him then.

\"Hey. How are you feeling?\" Sirius didn\'t move, just looked at him.

\"Fine. Rested. Thanks for –\"

\"Sshh.\" Sirius put his fingers on Remus\' mouth. \"No need for that.\"

Remus stared at Sirius, not sure exactly what to do or what Sirius expected, but the fingers on his lips started to trace the curve of his mouth. It felt far more familiar than Remus thought it would, and his body reacted almost immediately, warm waves in his chest and hot ripples in his groin.

Not taking his eyes off Sirius\', Remus raised his hand from under the covers and cupped Sirius\' cheek, rough stubble under his palm. He traced his thumb along Sirius\' bottom lip, watching it while his breathing hitched.

\"Sirius,\" he breathed against the fingertips exploring his mouth.

\"Yeah,\" Sirius whispered, his breath hot and damp on Remus\' fingers. He could hear Sirius\' breathing speed up, ragged now, and he could see Sirius\' pupils dilate in the faint light of the candles on his bedside table.

It wasn\'t clear which one of them moved first, but their lips met somewhere in the middle while their fingers buried themselves in each other\'s hair. The first touch of Sirius\' mouth on his sent a little shock down Remus\' spine, and his cock, which had been hardening slowly, gave a sudden twitch.

Their kiss was hungry, teeth scraping over lips, noses bumping and tongues entwining. And it quickly became urgent, trying to make up for thirteen lost years in one kiss.

Remus cupped the back of Sirius\' neck and pulled him closer, rubbing his body against Sirius\' through the sheets. It felt familiar and so very welcome, Sirius\' tongue tracing his lips before stroking against his own, eager lips moving in a harsh rhythm, and Sirius\' body pressing back against his.

Warm bursts of breath on his lips as Sirius pulled back to look at him, and Remus saw more than just arousal in those blue eyes. There was an urgent gleam there he couldn\'t quite place.

\"Remus,\" Sirius breathed, fingers running down Remus\' cheek which he followed with his gaze. \"Please... want to... have to feel you... inside me.\"

\"Are you sure?\" Remus wanted to pull back just a bit, but Sirius\' hands clamped around his shoulders, almost desperate, pulling him close. Remus nodded, and pushed the covers down, revealing himself to Sirius\' hungry gaze.

\"Very sure.\" Sirius pressed a quick kiss to Remus\' lips, trailed one hand down Remus\' chest, sending shivers through Remus\' skin, and then reached to undo the buttons on his robes. Remus watched him, wanting, curious but also a tad concerned, since the urgency in Sirius\' voice was something he had never heard there before.

Sirius pulled the garment off his shoulders, pushed it aside, and grabbed Remus\' arms, urging him closer. Remus licked his lips at the sight of Sirius\' body, familiar but not, no longer hard muscles beneath bronzed skin, but pale and thin and worn, and still it was the most beautiful thing Remus had ever seen. He let Sirius pull him closer, and rolled on top of him gently, drawing a deep groan from Sirius.

Their cocks brushed, and Remus tightened the muscles in his legs, tempted to drive his hips forward and thrust them both to completion, but he didn\'t want to end things too soon. Instead he gazed down at Sirius, who was looking up at him, panting softly.

Remus kissed him, slow and deep, tasting his lover, the only man he had ever loved, running his handsn Sin Sirius\' arms and up his chest, and he rocked his hips once, his prick rubbing against Sirius\'. A moan escaped his throat, sounding far more eager than he had meant it to be, and he rocked his hips again, wanting more of that friction, of all those memories coming back to him.

\"Remus, please, in me,\" Sirius begged, and Remus stilled, staring down at him.

\"Please,\" Sirius urged again. \"Please... I used to dream about it, you know? During the day I could not think about it, but at night, I would always dream about you, about feeling you on me, inside me, and when I would wake up, they would have taken it, stolen it from me, and I would know you used to fuck me, so slow and so good, but I wouldn\'t remember how it felt anymore. I need to feel it, Remus. I need to –\"

Remus cut him off with a kiss, understanding more of Sirius\' reasons for this than he might have wanted to, but willing to give Sirius anything, because he was Sirius. His Sirius.

\"I want to feel yoo,\oo,\" he whispered against Sirius\' lips while he blindly reached for the tube of lubricant in the drawer of his nightstand. \"I want to feel you around me while I take you nice and slow, just like you always wanted it, loved it.\"

\"Gods, Remus,\" Sirius croaked, closing his eyes and letting his legs fall open beneath Remus.

\"Push my cock inside you, fill you, fuck you.\" Remus watched Sirius\' face as he hooked one arm around Sirius\' knee and pulled his leg up. He uncapped the tube with trembling hands and coated his fingers, finding Sirius\' entrance easily, as if it had only been yesterday since he last fucked his lover, not thirteen years ago.

\"Remus, oh fuck, Remus, missed you so much.\" Sirius smiled, and it opened his face, showing all the happiness Remus felt at that moment.

Tracing teasing circles around Sirius\' pucker, Remus leaned his forehead on Sirius\' chest, and his lips found a taut nipple. As he pushed a finger inside Sirius\' body, so hot and so tight, he dragged his teeth up the hard nub, Sirius taking a sharp breath. He found Sirius\' prostate within a few strokes, and dragged the tip of his finger against it, grinning around Sirius\' nipple as Sirius bucked his hips and groaned for more.

\"Stop teasing, Moony. Fuck me already.\"

Remus ignored Sirius\' command, knowing that he would hurt Sirius if he didn\'t prepare him carefully enough. It wasn\'t like before, when they\'d both been ready to fuck with the barest amounts of lubricant and the faintest touch of finger or tongue. It had been too long for Sirius, and Remus added another finger, stretching him with precision and care.

Bucking his hips back against Remus\' hand again and again, Sirius started to whimper for Remus to give him more, and Remus\' own cock throbbed at hearing those pleas, so he pulled his fingers out at last and stroked his prick.

Sirius\' eyes were impossibly blue when Remus looked down into them as he positioned himself, the head of his cock pushing against Sirius\' entrance. Sirius nodded, breathless, his hands clasping Remus\' shoulders, and Remus pushed on, sheathing himself inch by inch, suddenly enveloped by familiar heat.

It wasn\'t until he was buried inside Sirius to the base thatrealrealized how much he had missed this, his cock inside Sirius, the two of them one, and Sirius\' smile told him that Sirius was thinking the exact same thing.

\"Sirius,\" he groaned, drawing his hips back and thrusting forward in one long, calculated stroke, but only just, because his body was ready to speed things up, his cock pulsing inside Sirius eagerly.

\"Moony,\" Sirius whispered, running one hand through Remus\' hair.

Thrusting again, long and slow, just as Sirius had always liked it, Remus reached for Sirius\' half-hard cock, wanting to stroke him to hardness and climax.

Sirius slapped his hand away, shaking his head against the pillow. \"No. Just want to feel you. Not me. Just you.\"

Although he felt confused – Sirius had never refused an orgasm from him before – Remus didn\'t feel up to questioning Sirius\' motivations now; he was too distracted by the marvelous feeling of Sirius\' body around him, beneath him, and he continued to thrust, slow but hard.

Lips parted, breaths hitching, Sirius stared up at hand and Remus didn\'t think he\'d ever seen Sirius this content before, this happy and free. He trailed his fingers down Sirius\' cheek, and smiled when Sirius tried to lean into that faint touch. And even though he felt as if he could move like this forever, fuck Sirius for the next thirteen years, his balls tingled with the familiarity of an impending orgasm, and he tried to hold back, just one more thrust, one more long stroke, one more smile on Sirius\' face, but his climax took and and sent him hurling off a cliff he hadn\'t even known was there.

\"Sirius... Sirius... Sirius.\" A mantra moaned against Sirius\' lips as he emptied himself deep inside Sirius\' body, and somewhere in the back of his mind he concluded that none of the orgasms he\'d had over the past thirteen years beenbeen as good as this one.

Arms wrapped around him and pulled him close as his cock pulsed inside Sirius and his climax wore off in retreating waves.

\"Sirius.\" One last whi, an, and Remus slumped down on top of Sirius, who held him close and kissed the side of his face. They stayed like that for a long time, Remus feeling sated and relaxed and at home in Sirius\' embrace while Sirius placed soft kisses on Remus\' cheek and lips and nose until Remus smiled and looked up.

\"Thank you,\" Sirius said, and Remus quickly shut him up with a kiss.

\"None of that, now.\" He grinned down at Sirius, wondering how he had ever not wanted this over the last few days. He shifted, and his softening cock slipped from Sirius, but his hips rubbed across Sirius\' own cock, hard and untouched. He reached for it, ignoring Sirius\' faint protest.

\"Moony, you don\'t have to –\"

\"Hush,\" Remus whispered, slipping off Sirius. \"I want you to feel good.\" He lay down beside Sirius, worming an arm around Sirius\' shoulders and pulling him close. Sirius let him, gaze uncertain but aroused, and Remus kissed him as he wrapped his fingers around Sirius\' cock.

Slow, teasing strokes with his tongue, matched with equally slow and teasing strokes of Sirius\' cock. Sirius moaned against Remus\' mouth, his eyes fluttering shut as he submitted himself to the pleasure Remus was trying to givm. m.

The feeling of Sirius\' pulsing shaft against his palm was familiar and good, and Remus kissed Sirius while he watched the frown tugging on Sirius\' brow, the small lines around his eyes increasing as he closed them tightly.

A gasp of breath against his lips, and Remus felt Sirius\' climax spill over his fingers, Sirius\' body twitching and Sirius\' hand gripping his arm, and he didn\'t think he\'d ever seen ae bee beautiful thing in his life.

He pulled Sirius close against himself, trailing mindless patterns across Sirius\' back and basking in heat and relaxing to the point of near-sleep. Just as he reached down to cover both of them with the discarded blanket, Sirius cleared his throat and looked up at him.

\"I\'m leaving for Grimmauld Place tomorrow.\"

Remus\' stomach curled up into a tight knot at the thought of losing Sirius again, and he bit his lip while he looked at his lover. \"If I come with you, won\'t people get suspicious? Not everyone knows about us, or do you planning on burning the closet the moment we cross that threshold?\"

\"We\'ll hide your toothbrush in my sock drawer, if that makes you feel better,\" Sirius said with a grin, and Remus slapped his head, but smiled nonetheless.

\"If you have no problems with it, I\'ll come with you.\"

Sirius\' smile was intoxicating, and so was the kiss he pressed on Remus\' lips. \"I just found you again, Moony. I\'m not leaving you this time.\"

\"You\'d best not,\" Remus whispered against Sirius\' cheek, and pulled the blanket over them both, settling against Sirius comfortably.

They stayed silent for a while; just lying together was enough, and more than Remus had dreamed of in a long time. He turned to look at Sirius, who looked back at him with drowsy eyes.

\"I never stopped loving you,\" he whispered, nuzzling Sirius\' cheek.

\"You always were such a sentimental sod, weren\'t you.\" Sirius grinned, and brushed his lips across Remus\' hair. \"Love you, Moony. Only you. Only ever you.\"


~~fin~~