The Memory, the Image

I wonder sometimes if he loves me because of my father. James Fucking Potter. I’ve never hated my father more than now. Why does the man I love, dream of, worship, have to be constantly haunted of my father every time that he sees me? Maybe we aren’t meant to be together. Maybe it’s just a phase. For him, but not for me. It could never be one for me. I’ll always love Sirius, no matter what. I know he loves me now, hugs me when I’m cold, kisses me when I’m sad, perfect. But for how long? How long can we keep up the charade? You know the perfect family, Harry and Sirius. Potter and Black, together again. Every time that he touches me I wonder if Sirius thinks of James. That’s not the right Potter, and he knows it.

He’s never been given the chance to grieve for James. I can understand that. After all, he whrowhrown in Azkaban when it happened. Then he was on the run, then fighting Voldemort. Not a great life. Its as if he missed the better part of two decades. He’s almost like a kid, sometimes. Other times its almost like I can’t even recognize him. He’s quiet, solemn, and his blue eyes turn dark. He zones out. Nothing crazy. Just sad to watch. He’s so dark sometimes, but its him. It fits him, just like everything else. Sirius Black.

He’s lying next to me now, asleep. I reach over to give him a gentle peck on the lips. He murmurs a single word.

“James.”

I lean back onto the headboard. This is it; I have to leave now to save myself, my mind if not my heart. It wasn’t just the name he uttered, just the straw that broke the camel’s back. We don’t usually fight and I’ve never mentioned my problem with James before. God how I hate them. James for taking a part of Sirius’s heart that I can never fill and God how I hate Sirius. I love him, but I hate him for doing this to me. For making me weak. I can’t take it anymore, I’ll leave in the morning, and I just want one last night with him. Just one more.

I throw back the thin sheet that was covering his body and examine him. Simply beautiful. Amazing. This was not the face or body of a man, but a God. If there were such a God, he would be the God of Heart, or Heartbreak, whichever position Zeus had open at the time. Before I touch him again, I let my tears slip out. The boy-who-lived, crying his eyes out, if they could see me now. I’m nothing but a big baby. Nothing to anyone anymore. Not even to Sirius. No matter, this will be the last time Harry Potter cries over Sirius Black.

Finally, what my heart has been waiting for, I lean over and put my lips on his. He wakes this time.

“Harry?” his eyes focusing, “why are you awake?”

I don’t say anything for I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold back my sobs. Covering his mouth with mine again, I silence him. We make love, moans filling our room. He doesn’t joke or talk like usual, this is different, but he doesn’t know why. He holds me close afterwards like always. Like I’m going to disappear if he lets go.

Tonight I will.

Maybe I’ll come back. I’ll live in the muggle world for now. The place I once used to hate. It be be better now. I’ll live by myself and maybe I’ll have some one to liveh meh me later. Harry bloody Potter dies today. No more wizards to save the day. I’ll be just another person, someone else that no one remembers, floating around in the London crowds. I might meet someone, but no one will ever be anything in my eyes. I see no one but Sirius and Lily.

Lillian. That’s what we were going to name our daughter. After all of these years, I’m still so amazed by the wizarding world. Two wizards can have children. I’m not so sure how it works, but I know that we were going to do. I’m glad we didn’t, I wouldn’t know what to do with a baby by myself.

I’ve thought about the baby a million times, but I couldn’t stay, knowing this. About Sirius and my father. But I can’t risk it. I would be dying everyday and taking Sirius with me. It wouldn’t be long before he realized he didn’t love me anymore, just my image. I couldn’t bear to give Lillian an unhappy home. Never.

Its time. I pack my bags. Taking only necessities, after all, everything belonged to both Sirius and myself. I couldn’t take anything to remind me of him. I bring just a suitcase. This is the last time I’ll ever be in this kitchen. I take a deep breath. My breath catches in my throat; I fall to my knees, holding the chair next to me for balance. Don’t cry, I\'m better than this. Several minutes of shaky breaths later and I’m ready.

Then I hear him.

“Don’t go.”

He understands that I am leaving. It’s hard to miss.

“Why are you leaving?”

”I just need some time alone, I’m beginning to rethink this relationship.” God how it hurts, like my fucking insides are being torn apart.”

“Bullshit, Harry, don’t you dare lie to me, I know you better than anyone, stop acting like a little kid and tell me wants going on.” He looks a bit angry now.

“Maybe I am a little kid.” Now I’m really asking for it.

“What are you talking about, you’re 26 years old?”

“Yeah, but I was a kid 10 years ago, wasn’t I, Sirius, that didn’t stop you did it?” Ouch, I know that it still bothers him that we got together when I was 16.

He inhales sharply. “You bastard.”

“No, my parents were married, now that didn’t stop you either.”

“What in the holy fuck are you talking about Harry, stop me from what?”

“From fucking him,” I yell.

“Who?” He’s yelling as well.

“Do you know what I hear at night?” I sigh, “It’s like a fucking tape, playing over and over again.” Sirius stares at me perplexed but frightened about what he’s going to hear. “I hear his name, every night, you crying out James, I can’t take it anymore, I’m going insane.”

I imitate him throwing his head back and screaming ‘James’ in what looked like passion.

I can tell he’s shocked; it doesn’t take a psychiatrist to realize it.

“Harry,” he whispers, “I loved James, I loved him like a brother, but I’m in love with you.”

“Sometimes I think the only reason you love me is because you love the memory of James Potter.” I say this quietly knowing that it will bring rage. But it doesn’t, only hurt, like he can’t believe I just said that. For a while he doesn’t say anything, like he’s thinking of the one thing to say that will make me stay. It’s impossible; even I don’t know what will make me stay.

He has obviously thought of it, but he doesn’t open his mouth, he reaches for his wand. God, he’s going to curse me, but I don’t move, maybe this way will be better. He grabs my hand. OK, that’s something that I didn’t expect. He mutters something I don’t hear. It’s a sudden rush going through me. I sense a wave of feelings. Guilt, hurt, heartbreak, but most of all love. I understand that these are his feeling right now. Heartbreak has never felt so sweet before. If he feels heartbreak it means I broke his heart, then it means he loves me. Me and not the memory, not the image of James Bloody Potter. It feels wonderful. It’s stopped now. He looks at me carefully. Not knowing what to say I take a leaf out of Sirius’s book and don’t say anything. I simply kiss him. Amazing.

He holds me close afterwards like always. Like I’m going to disappear if he lets go.

I never will.