Confrontation in Paradise

This is not meant to be taken seriously, folks. This is a little thing that was born out of frustration on my part over the whole MarySue’s are completely BAAAAAD argument. Maybe you think it’s funny, maybe you don’t and if not, that’s okay. It was cathartic for me, which was entirely the point.

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Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier sat in a pool of golden sunlight, a Rueben-esque figure in repose that the gods could have only dreamt of appearing. Her luxuriously long hair, the shade of the finest Merlot pressed from the grapes tended personally by the hand of Louis XIV, tumbled in a riot around her lithe body. This modern day Lady Godiva reclined on a chaise of emerald satin that matched her dewy eyes impeccably, drawing attention to their soulful depths that never missed anything. She was draped in a swath of silk a shade darker than her eyes that molded to the peaks and hollows of her pleasantly plump figure, only defining the perfection held therein. Her mouth… oh, her mouth was a study in the absolute lovely symmetry of a rosebud first touched by the dew on a summer morn. Everything about her begged to be worshipped and loved by all and sundry that were blessed enough to stumble into her presence.

Soon though, a changeling appeared. At on moment this being appeared like a troll, then a princess, then a bookish librarian, its outer form shifting so often that it was impossible to pin a certain stereotype. Two things remained the same. A large, gaudy gold emblem was on the chest of this creature, proclaiming it to be a member in good standing of the M.S.P. One almost needed to shade one’s eyes from the glare of it. The other noteworthy thing about the being was the supercilious smirk that seemed pasted it it’s face regardless of the other form it took.

Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier’s eyes opened wide as she practically oozed innocence. A creature like this she had never encountered before and her curiosity was aroused. Her intelligence was legendary and she knew that she could unravel the mystery that she felt certain was hovering on the horizon.

The creature pointed a long finger at Melissa Samantha Octavia Chlierlier, quivering with obvious indignation and declared in a loud voice, “Begone from here, evil Mary Sue! I shall not countenance you abiding within my kingdom. Henceforth your name shall be anathema and all innocents will run in terror from the evil you spread.”

Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier blinked and made a beautiful moue with her lips, then shifted just so that the sunlight emphasized her deliciously abundant cleavage. Considering the apparently enraged creature accosting her, she tapped an elegantly manicured fingernail against her gently, perfectly plump cheek.

“Dear me,” she murmured softly, her melodious voice drawing the forest creatures to bask her in beauty and goodness, “I believe you’ve mistaken me for some other, good… um… sir? Er… ma’am?”

The creature simmered with an obvious rage. “Be gone, evil one! It is my mission in life to destroy you and all you represent!!!” It proudly thrust out its chest to emphasize the blindingly gold-plated badge.

Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier frowned a bit, then remembered frowning causes wrinkles and smoothed her brow into alabaster perfection again. She settled for a genuinely confused expression. “But why?”

That simple question hung in the air, if possible only serving to enrage the creature more. “Why?! Why?!?! How dare you ask such a question, you under-thought-out, overly-endowed piece of untalented fiction!!! “

Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier forgot to recline seductively and sat up, starting to look a little irritated, wrinkles be damned. “Well, at least I’m an attempt at something original,” she huffed, shooing the rabbits gamboling at her feet.

“Ha!” charged the creature, drawing itself up in an invisible cloak of self-righteousness. “You are perfect in every way. That is bad enough, but that you were created to be… beautiful,” the creature spat as if the word were poison, “is a sin worthy of imprisonment and death to your creator!”

Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier rolled her eyes. “Oh please,” she muttered, reaching behind her chaise for a Diet Coke. “I’m far from perfect. I have a mole under my left armpit you now. It’s rather gross if you ask me.”

The creature simply huffed… well… huffily. “And? Aside from that, you have no flaw, correct?” The creature smirked as if it scented triumph.

“Actually, no,” Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier snorted. “I put on ten pounds at Christmas, I have a terrible temper, there are a few things I’m not perfect at and…” she looked around furtively for a moment and lowered her melodious voice to a soap opera whisper, “I get a slick in my panties for the tall, dark and surly type.”

The creature sputtered angrily and started to tremble.

“Of course, you’d know that if you’d looked beyond my prologue,” Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier said as she reclined again, taking up her opening pose, Diet Coke still in hand.

“But… but… your name,” the creature gasped, beginning to look palsied.

Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier laughed, the lilting sound reminiscent of a babbling brook, “Oh that. Well yes, but isn’t the point to give words to flights of fancy? Besides, my friends call me Mary Sue and love me anyway.” She fluttered her lashes innocently. “I wasn’t aware there was a law against that.”

And with that, unable to argue its case any further, the officious creature erupted into a gout of green flame and disappeared from the realm for all time. Or at least until next Tuesday.

Melissa Samantha Octavia Chandelier simply smiled, leaned back and mentally took stock of how many C batteries she was going to need until a certain tall, dark and surly Potions Master was written into her story to take care of her problem himself.

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A/N: Any case anyone didn\'t get it, M.S.P stands for Mary Sue Police and Melissa\'s name was a play on MS/OC. Just in case. ;)