Absolution

Title: Absolution
Author: farewell

Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Remus Lupin/ Sirius Black
Warnings: Rape. Very disturbed!Sirius. Comforting!Remus.
Notes: damn plot bunny. Pretty much a PWP. //...// is thought. *...* is emphasis.
Outright Begging: PLEASE REVIEW!!!! Even if you hated it!!! Please!!!!!
Disclaimer: we all know it's not mine. come on, do i look like JKR? no? well then i guess i'm not her.

When the told us about Azkaban in school, they never told us about the cold.

Or the screaming.

The prisoners shriek and wail; apologies and denials.

I wish they'd realize that the Dementors don't give a fuck. That they would just as soon suck your soul out as care. What does it really matter anyway, you God-forsaken bastards? Screaming doesn't help.

"Get up, Black." The hard-faced, barely-human guard growls. I used to think that they must hate their jobs, but not anymore. Too many beatings, I suppose.

"Get *up*!" The guard kicks me-hard. Numbly I get to my feet, dreading what could happen next.

"Bath time." The guard leers suggestively at me and I almost groan. Almost. I caught myself in time. The guards don't like us complaining. Wearily, submissively, I follow them back down the hall to what imitates a shower.

The room is large and square. Automatically I shed my robe, so well trained that I don't even bother hiding my nakedness. I am shoved roughly against the wall and I can feel the guard's erection pressing into me. He takes me quickly and brutally; I am given no preparation. He reaches around and grabs me, jerking painfully. //I need to be hard to come, asshole,// I think as he spills himself into me.

He pulls out, and backhands me to the ground. He throws a bucket of water over me and I gasp inadvertently at the iciness. The guard laughs. "You're nothing but a goddamn whore, Black. You remember that."

//I'm not a whore,// I repeat to myself. That thought is all that has kept me surviving. //Remus knows I'm not.//

Back in my cell, I curl up into a ball, trying to forget the discomfort between my legs. I feel over-stretched, and the muscles are taking longer than usual to tighten and contract.

A wave of cold and despair crashes over me. A Dementor steps into the cell, followed by the guard. The creature takes my face in it's gray hands, and draws me near. I'm not fighting. Why am I not fighting?!

"You're nothing but a goddamn whore, Black! A cock-sucking mother-fucking whore! Do you understand me? A whore!"

The Dementors' lips touch mine, and that is the last my ears hear.

*~*~*

"Sirius!" something is shaking me. How could I feel it if I had just underwent the Dementors kiss? "Sirius! Wake up!" With a scream, I come fully awake. Remus is holding me tightly. "It's alright, Siri. It's just a dream. Just a dream." He holds me against his chest as I sob, rocking me back and forth on the bed. "It's alright, baby. You'll never have to go back there. Never."

We sit like that, until Remus leans towards me again. "What's that, love?"

It is only then that I realize that I am whispering maniacally: "I'mnotawhoreI'mnotawhore..."

He gently turns my face to his. "No Sirius. You are *not* a whore. Don't give in to them. Don't believe the lies they told you." He leans back onto the pillows, taking me with him. He kisses my hair. "You are *not* a whore." I turn into him, hiding my face in his chest. I'm so happy I have him. I'm so lucky.

"But I've been a whore for so long, Remy. How can I stop what has been beaten into me?"

"Forget it."

"I *can't*!" I explode, sitting up, away from him. "It was too long! It's a part of me!"

"No, it's not!" Remus speaks fiercely. "It's not! You're far better than that, Sirius. Better than them."

"Am I? I used to think so, but now..." I let the sentence trail, and I find I can't look at him. That makes me angry; that I'm so full of shame that I can't even look into my lover's eyes.

He takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. "Sirius, look at me." Remus' fingers on my chin feel like ice on fire. "I *know* you are. You believe me, don't you?"

When I don't answer, he asks again. "Don't you?" He shakes me.

"Yes!" I almost scream. "Yes, I believe you." And whatever else I was going to say dissolves in my throat as he flings himself at me; and I realize that he's crying. But it doesn't matter, because I'm crying, too.

Remus is nuzzling my cheeks, kissing away my tears. He reaches my ear, and nibbles lightly on the lobe. Ah, God. I can't possibly put a name to the feelings running through me, other than "Remus." I jerk away, trying to get oxygen into my straining lungs. I look into his eyes, ready for more and-- //oh shit. No, Moony, don't close up on me, please, not now. I need you now,// I beg with him silently, willing him to see past the wall of eyes.

I lean forward and kiss him, a soft, closed-mouth chaste meeting of lips. I kiss him again, and feel his mouth open to mine. He is so sweet; I can taste the tea he had before bed, and as my tongue slicks past him: the wine from dinner. His tongue intertwines with mine, and pushes past to trace my teeth, and tickle the roof of my mouth.

I withdraw slightly, licking at the corner of his mouth, a brief wetness. His breath is quick in my ear, ad he sucks lightly, then harder on that spot just below my jawbone. He trails down my bare chest-bare chest? Didn't I go to sleep with a shirt on? - And all coherent thought flees as he suckles my nipple, then blows lightly across it. I gasp; and I'm scrabbling at his waist, trying to get his shorts off of him without breaking contact.

No way. I push him off me, and quickly strip him, then pull my own shorts off and fall back onto the bed with him. Remus continues where he left off, then moves down to my stomach, placing a quick kiss on my navel before going even father down.

He gently kisses my cock, nibbling lightly on the end, and then takes me into his mouth. I lost the inner battle I had been fighting, and thrust up into his mouth; only his hands on my hips keep me from going off the bed. I can't hold back, but I don't want to come, not yet. I pull Remus up to my mouth, and kiss him, tasting my pre-come as he shoves his tongue into dance with mine.

He breaks away this time, panting. "Please Sirius. I need..." there is no need to finish. He rolls over and off me, pulling the bedside drawer open. Fishing around for a moment, he pulls out a jar of lubricant. "Please," he breathes, the heat in his eyes enflaming something inside me that I thought long dead and buried.

Quickly he spreads the gel onto my cock; normally he takes his time with this, but we are both too far gone to care. He parts his legs for me, and I slip inside him, not moving for a moment, just basking in the joy of being so close to him. Finally I can't hold still any longer. I begin to move, as he does, slowly at first, then faster and harder until I am slamming into him.

I kiss him, and reach in between us to grasp his cock, stroking in time with my thrusts. I increase to an almost manic pace, flinging myself onto him, and neither of us can hold back. His muscles clench around me, and he comes hard into my hand as I explode inside him and my problems, fears and dreams disappear, along with the rest of the world, until it is just us, forever.

We lie together, held tight, and I turn to him. "Please. Don't ever leave me alone." I know he can't promise that, with Lord Voldemort back in full power it will be just as it was 15 years ago. We never know if we will see our loved ones at the end of the day. I know he can't promise, but I still need to hear it; and he must know this, for he answers: "I will never leave you. Ever."

We lie curled together; Remus is gently kissing our entwined fingers as he rests on my chest, his small frame fitting perfectly in my arms.

And there is, truly, no one in the world but us.

~ fin

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