Broken Dreams

Sequel/Series: not yet (I’m planning to write a series of at least three stories)
(un)complete?: complete
Warnings: slash (nothing explicit), thoughts about suicide
Disclaimer: I don’t own them… Remus owns Sirius, Sirius owns Remus and J.K. Rowling owns them both ::sigh:: no money made, no harm done
Archive: ask nicely and you can have it
Beta: thanks to Wolfie for her great work and nice words
Author’s Note: thanks to my dad of all people, he bought the first Harry Potter book in my family… thanks to Fe for sending me all the fanfic snips (even if it was mostly Harry/Snape)… and finally thanks to Fe & minion for the encouraging words whenever I felt down.

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Remus cast a last mournful look at Hogwarts while the carriage drove through the gates of the castle; away from what had been his home for the last year. He was certain this was the last sight he got of the school forever. Severus had seen to that.

It hurt…

Another dream lay broken into thousand shards at his feet. Would he never learn? There was no happiness for him, ever. He was a monster condemned to a life of loneliness and misery. An outcast who should be thankful of still being alive, in a world that loathed him with vehemence.

The worst for him was whenever he had to abandon a friend. He had so fe the them and wanted nothing more than to protect them, to keep them safe. But he couldn’t do that because of what he was, a dark creature, shunned and feared. To stay with his friends would hurt them more than leaving them did.

/\"You\'re the best Defense Against the Dark Arts- teacher we\'ve ever had! Don\'t go!\"/

For a brief moment the words had let a warm spread in Remus chest. James\' son respected him, regardless of the monster he was. It felt so good and made his parting even more painful.

The boy had already so much to endure at his young age. Bereaved of mother and father as a babe, living with people who thought of him as nothing but a nuisance and the expectations the rest of them put upon him… to be their salvation. All Remus could do was worsen his situation.

He wished to help Harry but he wasn’t even able to help himself. Not since he had lost Sirius… not once but twice already. How he had loved this man and still did. For years his mind and heart had fought a futile battle about his love for Sirius.

His heart had never had doubts of Padfoot’s innocence, it just couldn’t. It was impossible that his soul mate of all people would betray him and their friends to their greatest enemy and go as far as to kill onetheitheir circle.

His mind on the other hand tended to believe in facts and the evidence had been bone-crushing: Black had been James and Lily’s secret keeper, he had been seen at their house and confronted Peter in the London alley.

He was torn between his mind and his heart. There was no chance for Remus to forget about Sirius when his soul was screaming day in and day out for its mate. It wasn\'t a mere werewolf thing anymore, that wolves mate for life but so much more. Sirius had imbedded himself into Remus’ very soul.

Oh, and how his heart had beaten faster when he saw Sirius in the Shrieking Shack. All his strength and self-control had been necessary for him not to engulf Sirius in his arms in that first instant. He had called onto the anger and despair, which were his constant companions since the events twelve years ago, to harden his resolve. The reminiscence of the hurt he had felt when he had heard of his friends dead and Black’s role in it, the loneliness of his life and the agony of his soul had been enough to keep him away from Sirius and wary of him.

Then everything had changed again as he listened to Sirius’ story. Emotions washed over him, guilt the strongest of them. Now *he* felt like the betrayer, the murderer of dreams and hopes. Had he ever been worth of Sirius’ love when he had given him up so easily?

To not fall to his knees and beg Sirius for his forgiveness in front of Harry and his friends had been one of the hardest things in his life. But he knew that attempt would have been futile. How could one forgive and forget twelve years of imprisonment in Azkaban? Even from one’s erstwhile lover?

Crestfallen, Lupin looked out of a window of the carriage at the passing scenery. Although it was summer, for Remus everything looked grey and dreary. Just as his life.

Soon he would arrive at the outskirts of London and he didn’t know what to do next. He had no place to go anymore, no work and no friends he could, or would, ask for help. Sure, he had still some money left, at Gringotts and a Muggle bank in London, but it wasn’t much and it wouldn’t last long.

Added to all this that he wasn’t sure if he was hunted now, since his secret was exposed. Should he go into hiding? Had he any chance at all to stay free? How did Sirius cope with being a wanted man? To be killed on sight…

Oh, how much he yearned to be with his mate. Another impossible thing. Remus sighed. He should probably try to find a way to cut the bond between them. Before he hadn’t because of guilt and wishful thinking. Now that he knew Black was innocent and that he himself was the betrayer, he owed Sirius to set him free. Remus host ost all rights to this connection long ago. A dream in which broken shards were cutting into Remus’ flesh day and night. A punishment he accepted without protest.

He had thought about taking his life many times. Cutting his wrists open with a silver blade and watching his life leaving his body in red streams…

Remus wasn’t sure what actually kept him from ending it. Maybe because he didn’t think himself worthy of taking the easy way out. Because it would be the last and greatest treason to his remaining friends, to die without fighting, just give up. It made everything so pointless.

Or because he simply didn’t want to die? Was there still hope in him? Hope that was a small flame that didn’t want to be extinguished; the last light in a world of darkness.

End