Butterfly

Butterfly, a Sirius/Remus fanfic by Jedigirl

Credits: Julia Fordham, who’s song is both the song scattered throughout this story, and the song which gave this story its title, thank you Ms. Fordham.
Thanks also to Ms. Rowling, for creating such wonderful characters for me to borrow.

Warnings: Not as slashy as my usual. This is a companion pieo “Io “I remember” But you don’t necessarily have to read that one before this one, it makes sense well enough on its own.
This is SLASH people. Which means guys loving other guys. Not graphic, but definitely mentioned. Also character death. Also not graphic, just mentioned.

Now, on with the story…

All those things they tell you happen when you know you\'re about to die, they aren\'t really true.
But they aren\'t completely wrong either.
Time didn\'t stop, but things slowed, certain things came into almost painfully sharp focus.

~I\'m like a butterfly, pushing against the wind~

The flash of Bellatrix\'s stunning spell was almost blinding, and I knew there was nothing I could do to avoid it.
It wasn\'t until I heard the whispers from behind me rise to a fever pitch that I realized where I was going to fall when that red bolt hit.

~You\'re like a magnet, pulling me back in~

My life didn\'t flash before my eyes, but I did remember quite a lot of it all at once. Most of the memories, all the good ones, centered around one thing. One person.
Remus.
Oh Merlin, Remus.

~No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I keep coming back to you~

”NO! I don’t belong here!”
The whispers were all around me, a hissing wave of laughter, {None of us do.}
I twisted, or at least, I thought I did. It was difficult to tell with no point of reference, it wasn’t dark, or cold, it was just… nothing.
“How do I get back?”
The only answer was another hissing shower of laughter, more abundant.

~Mercy mercy please, you have to release me. How this fatal twist of alchemy brings me to my knees.~

I tried to find a way back, but with no sense of direction, or even of distance, weight, temperature, light /anything/ it was difficult.

~I’m like a butterfly, pushing against the wind.~

The voices held conversations intermittently, at first they refused to talk to me, so I just listened.
Irnedrned that none of us, me or the voices, were really dead, only just beyond the Veil, in holding, limbo of sorts.

~You’re like a magnet, pulling me back in.~

I wasn’t dead, not really, granted, I wasn’t anything at the moment, but still, not dead meant that there was hope.
There was hope, a chance that somehow I could get back to Remus, or at least contact som somehow.

~No matter how I try, no matter what I do, I keep coming back to you.~

I snapped awake from a dream, though the voices have told me time and time again that since we don’t exist, we neither sleep nor dream, and that what I think are dreams are really just glimpses of the world outside.
For once I hope they’re wrong, because what I saw was Remus, torn and bleeding and alone.
I have to get out of here.

~Danger dangerous, what will become of us? Strained addiction rushing over me, when will I break free?~

I fought it then. I had to get out, had to get to Remus, he needed me.
For nothingness, it seemed intent on keeping me. The voices were laughing again.
I didn’t care, that image of Remus laying bleeding in the snow was burning in my mind, I couldn’t let him die.

~I’m like a butterfly, pushing against the wind.~

I still had no sense of direction, aside from knowing where Remus was, the beacon of energy he’d always been.
I just had to figure out how to get to him from across the nothing and beyond the veil.

~You’re like a magnet, pulling me back in.~

I don’t know how long I struggled, there was no sense of time here either, but I finally had to stop. There was nothing for it.

~No matter how I try, no matter what I do, I keep coming back to you.~

Finally I felt something, a warm hand on my shoulder. I blinked up, Prongs was right there, he half smiled, “Not much time to explain, I’m not really supposed to be here and it won’t be long before one of your disembodied friends alerts the Powers That Be as to my whereabouts.”
Typical Prongs, using ten words to explain something when one would do, “Nice to see you again Jim. Start talking.”

~You’re like a drug I can’t give up.~

He half smiled again, nodding, “Right, Time moves differently here than on the outside, what you saw before? Moony survived it, it was close for a while, but he made it…”
He flickered a moment, then swore, “Lilly’s running interference, but she’s not much of a match for the Powers,” he flickered again, then continued more urgently, “You’ll have a way out Paddy, wait until he calls you, remember the promise.”
And he was gone.

~I want you way too much, I can’t give you up.~

Of course. The Promise, that lunatic vow that Remus and I made each other at the end of Seventh Year, and I hadn’t forgotten, just hadn’t remembered right away.
I smiled and sat back, ignoring the eruption of indignant hissing and chattering from the voices.

~I keep on, keep on, keep on, coming back to you.~

It didn’t seem long before I felt something again. A sudden wash of cold, but cold like when you stick your hand in too-hot water and your nerve endings can’t agree on what the temperature is.
There was also a jolt in the pit of my stomach, almost like traveling by portkey.
Then, just as suddenly, it was gone.

~I’m like a butterfly, pushing against the wind.~

I was given time to puzzle over this, the voices still hissing away viciously, angry, though I’m not sure if it were angry at me, or at the world in general.
When there was nothing else I curled up, just waiting. He /had/ to be able to do it, he just had to.

~You’re like a magnet pulling me back in~

When I opened my eyes again, I wasn’t beyond the veil anymore. I was lying on a hill, dry grass as far as the eye could see. And there, looking down at me, since my head was in his lap, was Remus.
He smiled slightly, running his fingers through my hair, “Hello again.”
It was then that I noticed he was bleeding, not a lot, just a thin trickle from his nose. I reached up to brush it away, stomach sinking as I realized that I didn’t recognize our surroundings, “Where are we?”
Remus shook his head, “Beyond.”
I shook my head as well, reaching up to cup his face, resting my forehead against his, “We’re dead aren’t we?”
He just nodded, voice wavering a moment, “It was the only way I could make the promise work. I tried. You have to know I tried.”

~No matter how I try, no matter what I do, I keep coming back to you.~

I shook my head again, just holding him close as we both wept, though whether the tears were sorrow or joy at this moment was unclear.
We were together and that was all that mattered.
That was the promise, that we would always be together, and if we were separated, we would do anything and everything in our power to find each other again.
And if worse came to worst, we would share the other’s wrongs, so that no matter where we ended up, we would be together, and if we ended up in the dark and cold, we would still have each other, and our love would be the light.

~I keep on, keep on, keep on, coming back to you.~