Understanding

My first attempt at published fanfic, so be gentle! This story was inspired by the awesome writing of JK Rowling and the beautiful music of the best band ever, Evanescence.**********MANDATORY DISCALIMER (BUT THE EYE-ROLLING\'S ALL BY CHOICE): All HP belongs to JKR, and all song lyrics and titles belong to Evanescence (Ben Moody, Amy Lee, et al).************** Feedback is appreciated, but the story is still written even if you don\'t like it, so th\'s n\'s no point reviewing just to bitch at me! I hope you like it!

Understanding
Chapter One:
Silver Rain Fell

The final battle between Lord Voldemort and the Order of the Phoenix did not end as either side would have predicted. Yes, the prophecy had been realized, and Harry Potter had been forced to kill Voldemort or be killed by him. Harry Potter had defeated the most powerful dark wizard of all time, but he had not been able to escape the Dark Lord\'s Death Eaters. In one fell swoop and mass incantation, the Death Eaters had cast the killing curse, causing such a broad spectrum of magic it destroyed all in its path.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasely.
Neville Longbottom.
Ginny, Fred, and George Weasley.
Remus Lupin.
Cho Chang and Luna Lovegood.
Madam Hooch.
Professors Flitwick and Trelawney.
Molly and Bill Weasley.


Among the carnage, only two on the battlefield on the side of light had gone unnoticed and unscathed, and, though acting independently and in complete ignorance of the other, the two executed their deeds with strikingly similar results. In the moments to come, neither would know how each had escaped the onslaught, but as dawn broke over the lake, the final members of Voldemort\'s inner circle fell, and Severus Snape, and I, Hermione Granger, lowered our wands, the last ones standing.


In a move that not even Severus Snape, Double Agent extraordinaire had known about, Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters had invaded Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The surprise attack began as Draco Malfoy plunged a dagger into the heart of Albus Dumbledore, a bright new brand shining proudly on Draco\'s left wrist. Leaving the Headmaster dying on the floor, Draco spat in his direction and left the office, gaining access to very sensitive areas of the school and lowering wards to allow more Death Eaters inside school grounds. He never saw Dumbledore summon Fawkes to heal himself and to alert the rest of the Order.

I really have no idea why those bloody Death Eaters ever trusted either of the Malfoys. Right stupid lot, if you ask me.

As Draco allowed more Death Eaters and, worse, Dementors onto the grounds, Dumbledore gathered the Order into his office, anti-apparation wards lowered by the incomparable Malfoy, Jr., and Dumbledore\'s Army was alerted by the gentle pulsing of the coins in our pockets, the Protean charm enhanced by Dumbledore earlier in the year in case he ever needed us at a short notice. We all knew it could mean only one thing and all hurried from our classes. The teachers had all been instructed if the DA ever staged a mass walk-out, it was a sign of impending invasion, but not to worry the other students. However, most of the students who were not involoved in DA were Slytherins, and they were, for the most part, being called out of class by a more painful method- all new recruits clutching their left wrists, the first and last time most would feel the pain the Dark Mark caused. By lunch, Death Eaters were strategically placed around the outside of the castle and the resistance was strategically placed around the inside of the castle, both sides at the ready and waiting for the go-ahead from their leader.

The one wild card in this situation was everyone\'s favorite Potions Master, who was nowhere to be found. I\'m sure his mark was burning, but, then again, maybe by this time Voldemort had figured out where Snape\'s true loyalties lay and hadn\'t bothered to call him. Either way, Snape was MIA, and it was not a situation that went unnoticed. Many, like Harry and Ron began accusing him of going to the Death Eaters and showing his true colors. Others, like Professor McGonagall and Molly Weasley tried to calm them by saying that, yes, Severus probably was outside, but he had to convince he he was on their side in order to protect Harry and the school. But it was me who finally found him as I lead the evacuation of the dungeons. Ordering the several Slytherin students left into the Great Hall where all the students were to gather, I saw his chamber door open, and, intrigued, I lagged behind a little.

As he closed the door behind him, I realized for the first time exactly how tired Severus looked. He looked as if he had been through a war, though the battle had not even begun. In his haste, he had not noticed me watching him, and as he came closer to me in the hallway, he came to a halt. I looked him in the eyes, then- really in his eyes- for the first time since I had known him. For years, I had despised those glittering black eyes that only sought mine out when he wanted to mock or punish me. Now the black eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, and I know in that moment, we were not the hated Potions Master and despised Know-It-All, we were simply allies, and a quiet understanding flooded between us. After a meaningful glance, he nodded curtly and strode past me, taking his place with the Order, as I had always known he would.

Even now, I have no idea how the battle began or any details. I remember holding Harry and Ron\'s hands and kissing each of them, telling them I loved them for the last time. Even in the chaos, Ron had blushed bright red and Harry had squeezed my hand, tears in his eyes. Then the three of us took our place at the lead of Dumbledore\'s Army, leading the fight against evil as we had for the past six years.

I do not remember how or why we went out to the Quidditch pitch. I do remember the look of disbelief on Crabbe\'s face as I killed him, the smell of burning flesh on the pitch as soldiers of both sides fell. I remember Lavender Brown being hit with the Cruciatus curse and falling unconcious, and I remember breaking ranks with Harry and Ron for what I thought would only be a split-second to look after Lavender. But in that split-second Harry met Voldemort and slay him, causing the backlash that killed every member of the Order and DA on that field except for the unconscious Lavender, me, who was crouched over her, and Severus Snape, who through some miracle of timing had cast the killing curse in the exact same moment and had hit the one and only Death Eater too cocky to cast the spell himself, Ls Mas Malfoy.

It was right about then I realized I was fucked.

Whipping wildly around, I realized that it was now a two on ten fight and that I should probably start kicking ass now and ask questions later. I fired more spells off that night than I think I ever had in my whole time at Hogwarts. Severus did his fair share of killing, too, and somehow the two of us dispatched every member of Voldemort\'s inner circle unscathed, save a few little scratches and the hell that would be our memories. As the sun rose over the lake, a light drizzle began to fall, silver in the April dawn, washing the blood off the few bodies who had been manually dealt with and turning the bodies of my best friends and confidants into nothing more than rapidly cooling rag dolls.

Unable to stand looking into the ashen faces of Harry and Ron any longer, I looked up and across the pitch into Severus\' eyes. Again, our eyes met and the understanding of earlier made its way out in the form of mutual tears. Stepping carefully around bodies, but still with his signature stride, Snape crossed pitcpitch quickly and enveloped me in his strong arms, crushing me to him. I held onto him tightly and wept against his chest- the disgusting Potions Master forgotten. He was now simply a broken and defeated man, and I was no longer the child I had been twelve hours ago. I felt his chest heave against my face and realized he was sobbing, all the emotion he had never shown any of us through all his years of teaching seeping through his every pore now. I tried to speak, but he simply shook his head and broke our embrace, leading me by the hand to where Harry and Ron lay.

At the sight of my two best friends, together even in death, I thought my heart could never break as badly again. However, that thought was quickly vanquished as I saw my Potions Master and former nemsis fall to his kneels and cradle Harry\'s head in his lap, howling in anguish. After several moments, he gently lay Harry back on the ground, moving to lightly brush the stray hair off of Ron\'s forehead. He stood then and looked around him, truly seeing for the first time how many of his students were now gone. With another unearthly wail, he began to walk between the ranks and ranks of fallen students. He stopped in front of some, his face contorting in agony, some he apologized to, and some, like Neville Longbottom, he stooped to touch. He did not return to me until he had, in some way, acknowledged each of the fallen. Upon his return, he simply took my hand, cast a levitation spell for Lavender and lead us back to the castle.

\"It should have been me and not them. None of them deserved to die,\" he muttered, the only words either of us would speak on the long walk back to the castle.

In the end, Gryffindor House had taken the most casualties, with only me, Lavender, Colin Creevey, and a few first through third years surviving. The other houses had suffered as well, but no one more than us. When the Death Eaters had infiltrated the school, they had killed at random, some Mudbloods, some not. Actually the only students who were not targets wore Slytherin green, and the only Slytherin casualty was Blaise Zabini who had jumped in front of her boyfriend, a Ravenclaw prefect. None of the other Slytherins seemed to care too much.

Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall had protected the students in the Great Hall as best they could, allowing only five students\' deaths. Professor Vector and Hagrid had both lost their battles defending the students, and, as disgusting as he had been, I felt a lump form in my throat seeing that Filch and his beloved Mrs. Norris had given their lives to protect us also.
Severus lead me into the Great Hall after establishing there was no more threat in the castle. The students inside gaped at us as Dumbledore and McGonagall rushed to meet us and Madam Pomfrey came forward to relieve Severus of the burden of Lavender and take her to the Hospital Wing. As Professor McGoll hll hugged me tightly, the only thing I heard above the din of the students and the concerned queries from Dumbledore was Severus\' voice, now so dead and hollow.

\"Dead. They\'re all dead.\"
****
I spoke the words low, hoping the other students could be spared the news for a while, or even so they wouldn\'t have to hear it from their despised Potions Master, but apparently in the quiet that had accompanied Hermione and me to the hall, sound carried extraordinarily well. Soon the hall was bustling with wailing and gnashing of teeth, as the saying goes. I saw realization dawn on the face of Padma Patil and angry shouts of disbelief from students who had lost siblings, friends, mentors, and lovers. I ached to tell them all I was sorry I was alive instead of any of their loved ones. My heart broke knowing that I had committed more atrocities than most of these martyrs had ever even contemplated. And I wished, not for the first time, that I could simply bargain with fate and trade my life for theirs.

But I could not tell them.

They wouldn\'t believe me anyway.

Not one student had ever understood me in the sixteen years I had been teaching. Not one had even tried. Not that I blame them, though. I am a miserable, lonely old man who spent the best part of his youth fucking up his own future. I had decided my own fate long ago by taking the Dark Mark, and no matter how I redeemd myself otherwise, I knertaertain people would never accept me again. People like Sirius Black. Fortunately, I\'d been rid of that cur for a year and a half. Never wanted him dead, but you take what you can get.

Interrupting my revery, I felt a small hand encompass mine. Looking down and quite ready to deduct House Points out of sheer habit, I saw a very tearful Hermione Granger gazing up at me. I was confused, but I held her hand. She was probably in shock, and I was too starved for human contact to tell a shell-shocked teenager that my arm was no substitute for a hankerchief. But then I realized she was smiling at me. Could it be she meant to comfort me? Me, who had torturend her for years on end? I did not care to know why she chose to take my hand, but at that moment, I realized we two were alone. Everyone else in the school had friends and confidants left, but all of Hermione\'s had died, and I had never had any to begin with. Neither of us had anyone, and so, over the months but originating in that instant, we began to need each other.

Slowly, I put an arm around her and she embraced me quite heartily, laying her head on my chest. Soon, her back was spasming in movements indicative of sobbing and I had no idea what to do. Outside had been raw emotion- my grief had taken over me and I had released eighteen years of pent-up feelings, but now I could not indulge in those feelings in front of the students. I had very little (alright, no) practice in comforting women. In fact, I was usually the one who caused their tears. her here and now, Hermione was sobbing against my chest. I could not tell how profusely, however, as my shirt was already soaked both from rain and her earlier tears. I rubbed her back, hoping to decrease her sobbing even a little bit, but ended up making her cry harder.

\"Hermione...\"

But she continued to wail against me, and to be honest, I didn\'t care. I had never hated her as I had portrayed to the world, and I think on some level she understood why I\'d had to treat her the way I had. Well, I\'d treated everyone pretty shittily, but Harry\'s friends had been the brunt of my wrath. They had to be. With whisperings of a Death Eater uprising as early as Harry\'s first year, I had to act as if I hated them in order to keep the Death Eater offspring from blowing my cover inadvertantly. As one of Voldemort\'s servants, I should have hated him more than any other. And, actually, I never really HAD cared all that much for Harry or Ron, but Hermione...

Hermione had always been a different subject. She was brilliant, well-read, and nearly flawless in potions. But she was really bloody annoying as well. I honestly cannot remember a day in class with her that I was not pissed off at her. Minerva once suggested that I was intimidated by her intelligence, but that was complete bollocks. I appreciated her intelligence, but she was always fucking getting into shit that I could not abide. She probably still thinks I don\'t know she stole ingredients from me her second year to brew Polyjuice. But she had brewed Polyjuice. Her second year.

Goddamn! I was eighteen before I attempted that.

To be honest, if Hermione had not been friends with Harry and if, perhaps she had been sorted into Ravenclaw, I probably would not have disliked her so much. I\'m confident my disdain for Gryffindors is well-documented. Hermione was a very bright girl. Bullshit- she was a fucking genious, and I really should have given her more than half a chance in my classes, but somehow, I know that even on a tiny level, she GOT me. I never heard her disparage me or call me names, though, truthfully, my treatment of her surely merited some. I hoped the end of the war would bring us closer.

As ashamed as I was to admit it, I had a crush on her and had since the summer she\'d spent at the Order headquarters. Her intellect and eloquence had long held my admiration, but seeing her in a tank top and shorts had started what I had begun to call my \"dirty old man\" fascination. She was not even fifteen that year. Two years until it would even be legal for me to think about her, though on a particularly late night after a few too many firewhiskeys I had heard Sirius Black bragging that because of her use of the time turner she was actually sixteen. He was drunk and horny and quite loudly debating the attributes of each of the young ladies in the house, including Tonks. He had stopped discussing Ginny Weasley abruptly after Bill threatened to kick his ass, but after the show Sirius put on, I was sure he\'s already slept with the youngest Weasley. Black may have been a braggart, but he never boasted about conquests he never accomplished. I suddenly felt a little less creepy, but I was still entirely sure that, even if Hermione Granger was seventeen and I, through some stroke of luck,ed ued up being a metamorphmagus and changed my face to something remotely attractive, she would never, ever have me.

So that morning, holding her and whispering her name, I felt the completion of my dream. She would never want me, but she could take comfort from me as long as she needed. And as I gently rocked her, I realized she\'d fallen asleep standing up, wrapped around me. I longed to move her to my bed and join her in sleep, but instead, I gave her over to Minerva who put her to bed in Gryffindor tower. I went to bed alone, sure that I always would.