She Said What?

right.... here it is in black and white. i am laying no claim to any of the characters you will find in the pages of this fic. they belong to j.k. rowling, and i am merely mucking about with them. i will put them back when finished with them. and i swear to the gods i am not doing this for anything other than pure enjoyment. please do not hurt me.

ok, so i admit it. i\'m going to try my hand at the ever popular Severus/Hermione pairing. i only hope i can manage this well enough. thanks for playing.

please feel free to let me know how i am doing. suggestions and comments are welcome, as is some constructive criticism. no flaming, as i will use said flamage to roast your ass. thanks very much for waking the dragon. anyone know the words to Puff, the Magic Dragon? it\'s the only thing that will put him back to sleep.

Chapter One: An Honest Mistake
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\'Honestly, Professor Snape. Surely you can offer up a more enthusiastic effort than that!\' the comment would have been innocuous, had it not come from behind the closed door of the Potions Master\'s private chambers. But it had come from behind his private chamber\'s closed door. And it had been spoken in a voice that very clearly belonged to one Hermione \'Know-It-All\' Granger. An odd occurance to be sure. Odder still was the reply given to her in the dark tones of Severus Snape.

\'Were I to be any more enthusiastic, I would surely suffer an aneurysm,\' he\'d drawled in his most patient tones. Both parties had been panting for breath as they spoke, as if they were engaged in most strenuous activities. Hermione\'s voice had sounded terribly pleased, while Snape had sounded less than congenial. Typical for him.

It was shocking to hear such talk come from two of the biggest stick in the muds the school had ever seen. Had the comments not been overheard by anyone, things would most likely have been left as they were. But the short conversation had been overheard. And not only by a pair of passing Slytherins, on their way to the Great Hall for breakfast that early Saturday morning, but by Peeves, as well.

Peeves had gone straight to the Bloody Baron with the news, who had in turn passed it to the The Gray Lady. She had let it slip to Nearly Headless Nick, and he had told Dobby the House Elf. Dobby had seen to it that the information had been spread to the right people. Within an hour\'s time, then entire populace of Hogwarts knew of the innocent comments. And with each telling, the story had taken on a life of it\'s own. Each teller had added personal embellishments until the entire thing had been blown out of proportion. There had been no telling what was fact and what was fiction.

Thus it had reached the Headmaster\'s ears, a garbled pack of lies and half truths that hid the very innocent nature of the comments that had started the entire mess. Albus Dumbledore was not one to go by idle gossip, especially when it involved the snarky Head of Slytherin House. He wasn\'t certain whether to take the gossip at it\'s word, so to speak, or if he should simply seek out Severus himself and ask for an explanation. Would that things could have been that simple.

Before he could summon Severus to him, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley had come barging into his office, both looking as if they had been chased up the stairs by the basilisk of their second year. He\'d only just started to offer them a lemon sherbert when both began speaking to him at once. In very loud voices. He\'d caught a few words here and there. \'How could he?....\' and \' If he\'s hurt Hermione....\' and \' I\'ll bloody kill him!\' And best not to forget his most favorite, \'How the hell could she? With the git?\'

There was more, but Albus couldn\'t keep up with the flow of both boys as they bombarded him with their questions. What he had gathered from their faces and broken sentences was that they had heard the gossip involving their best friend and were both rather angered by it. He lifted a hand to call for silence. The brief respite lasted for all of ten seconds, before the red headed, red faced Weasley burst out. \' If he\'s done anything to hurt Hermione, I\'ll bloody kill him!\'

\'Calm down, boys. I\'m sure there\'s a reasonable explanation for all of this,\' he\'d replied with more tranquility that he\'d felt. But the placating words hadn\'t done any good. The two of them had gone off again, their tirade sending the words they spoke tumbling over one another like acrobats who\'d been knocked from their formation. To add more fuel to the flame, Minerva McGonagall had stepped in then. He knew the woman well enough to know that she wouldn\'t leave without putting in her two knuts worth.

Soon, the three of them were practically shouting over top of one another. Albus found himself developing a monster of a headache from the cacaphony of sound that thundered off the stone walls of his tower office. He\'d finally risen to his feet and ordered them to silence in as loud a tone as he could manage. He had imagined they\'d barely just heard him above the dull roar they were making.

He\'d stalked from his office, leaving the three of them staring after him in shock, and ridden the rotating stairs down to the main floor with a faint smile on his face. The silence was enough to make him giddy. It was short lived, as he\'d stepped into the Great Hall to a near riot. Severus had been standing by his place at the table, glaring down at several of the other staff members. Said staff was snickering, despite the look of pure murder that had made it\'s home on the pale face of his Potions Master. Very few of them had realized that they were on the verge of a rather skilled, terribly effective Avada Kedavra.

Hermione had appeared to be in the same situation. She\'d been backed against the Gryffindor table, a rather harried look spread across her face. He\'d seen the panic in her eyes, telling him that she\'d been taken by surprise by the students. Several of her classmates, from all Houses, had cornered her and were asking questions of her. They hadn\'t seemed about to let her go until she\'d given them a straight answer.

Most of the barrage of questions were unitelligible, as they were spoken over several others. The group of girls, and a few boys, had been so determined to either get their answers or embarrass Hermione that one couldn\'t make heads or tails of their lightning speed queries. But one had been spoken clear enough for him to hear it. Somone had asked her, quite smugly, \'So is he a good shag or not?\' Albus had made it to the table with a faint grimace on his face.

Taking his place at the table, not bothering to sit, he\'d brought a fist down onto the hard top of the staff table. Dishes had rattled ominously with the force of the blow. He\'d cast Sonorus on himself and called out over the din, \'Silence!\' The entire room had fallen to a blissful quietude almost immediately. All attention had been given to him. \' I want you to put an end to all the tongue wagging going on here. As Headmaster, it is my responsibility to get to the bottom of this. And rest assured, I will. For now, enough!\'

The standing students had moved to their places slowly, casting furtive glances at Hermione as they did so. Each of them had sat down, maintaining the blissful silence that Albus found himself very thankful for. The rest of the meal had been spent in complete peace. Only the faintest of whispers had drifted to the staff\'s table, while the teachers themselves had remained uncharacteristically silent, with exception of the occasional snicker.

Upon the completion of his meal, Albus had nodded to Severus, indicating his desire to speak with the other man. The dark head had nodded curtly, the man\'s lips drawn into a tight, fierce scowl that was more frightening than usual. Severus had excused himself and stood. No one had dared speak a word as the surly man had followed Albus out of the Great Hall.

That might have been the end of it, had Albus not been called away for a matter of educational importance at the Ministy. The entire affair might have been brought to a conclusion, to be looked at on a later date and laughed at for the silly thing it was, had the students not kept the gossip alive in the Headmaster\'s absence. But they had, prompting both involved parties to seek solitude where they could.

Severus had stalked to his labs and locked himself in, his intent having been to ignore one and all. He\'d not had any problems with it. He\'d blocked all of the nasty business of the morning behind him and happily brewed potions all day long. When the lunch hour had arrived, he\'d summoned a House Elf to bring him a meal. It had been delivered in blissful silence, the Elf not looking at Severus as he\'d set the tray on a work table. Said House Elf was gone before Severus even noticed he\'d been there. It had been a completely uneventful afternoon, until the Headmaster had returned and summoned him to his office.

In the meantime, Hermione had gone from the Hall to the library to study for the N.E.W.T.S. They were coming up in only a few weeks, and she was determined to get the very best grades on them she could. She\'d seen several books in the school\'s library that she hadn\'t read yet, and she\'d gone in the hopes that they would have pertinent information on subjects she felt sure would come up on the end of school exams.

Having taken her pile of books to a vacant table, she\'d settled into the chair and begun reading with near orgasmic joy. Books were very important to her, and she\'d found them far better company than most people she knew. Particularly after a few clumsy encounters with boys. Oh, she\'d done as most every other girl eventually did. She\'d explored her sexuality, coming at it from an intellectual stand point as well as a physical one. She hadn\'t been impressed on either front, and found that what she\'d overheard some of the other girls talking about must have been to do with something else completely. She\'d not had a single experience to compare to what the others had described.

So Hermione had gone back to her books and foregone having a relationship, deciding that the bound squares of paper were far more predictable and enjoyable than the companionship offered by men. As she\'d sat in the library, pouring over the books before her, she\'d felt the presence of someone standing behind her. She\'d looked up to find Harry and Ron glaring at her as if she were a Malfoy. She\'d motioned for them to sit then, in her softest voice, she\'d asked them what had crawled up their arses and died.

Both of her friends had launched into thier tales simultaneously, none of which she had caught. They had both been quite loud and had attracted the attention of more than one person in the library. Madam Pince, included. The woman had drifted nearer, for once not issuing her standard \'shhhs\' and giving out her scathing looks. She\'d tried to make them quiet their voices, to no avail. So she\'d forced them to stop and start over. One at a time.

Both had essentially said the same thing. They\'d heard about her and Snape and wanted to know what the bloody hell was wrong with her. They\'d declared that they would have her commited to a mental ward, were she actually shagging Snape. The look she\'d given them was enough to make them reconsider the threat. Then Hermione had chuckled and shook her head. When they had looked at her quizzically, she had spoken without thought. \' I had no idea that something so small and insignificant could get me into so much trouble.\'

This was the exact same comment Albus had heard, upon returning, from Pansy Parkinson. The sly look the Slytherin girl had given as an accompaniment to the sentence had been enough to make the Headmaster realize that the episode was blown completely out of proportion. He\'d decided it was time to nip the entire rumor mill in the bud. He\'d summoned both Hermione and Severus to his office to clear the entire matter up. By the time the two of them had joined him, he\'d been joined by an owl from the Ministry, as well.

Hermione had taken a seat in the chair pulled up before the desk, while Severus had stood near the wall, arms crossed over his chest as was his manner. The two of them had watched in stony silence as Dumbledore had untied the ribbon holding the note on the owl\'s leg, then unfolded and read the parchment. Apparently several times over, as it had seemed to take quite some time for him to finally look at the two of them again. The expression he wore had not been a happy one.

\' It seems the Ministry has been made aware of the goings ons of the school today. They\'ve demanded some sort of punitive action,\' the Headmaster had told them. Both parties across from him had been shocked into silence. Until Severus had held out his hand, obviously waiting to see what the message contained.

Hermione had sat uncomfortably, watching as her Potions Master had read it over. And over again. Several times, in fact, if the way his eyes had moved was any indication. She hadn\'t thought it was possible, but his face had gotten even blanker than before. His lips were drawn in a frown so tight, she was certain that he wouldn\'t be able to open his mouth for being locked shut tightly. She thought it must have been something terrible, indeed.

\'You can\'t honestly believe what you\'ve been hearing!\' Severus had snarled in the general direction of Albus\' desk. His eyes had still been locked onto the parchment before him. Hermione had been curious as to what the parchment said, but she\'d felt certain that the git would have hexed her to within an inch of her life, had she asked for it. He\'d finally lifted his gaze, and she\'d seen the complete hate burning in them.

\'You know I do not, Severus. But it\'s apparent that the Ministry does. They wish to see something done about it,\' Albus had replied solemnly. Hermione\'s gaze had gone from one man to the next, wondering what the hell they were speaking of. For all intents and purposes, it involved her. She wouldn\'t have been called to the office, otherwise.

\'They can\'t think that I would?.... With her? I\'m not that hard up!\' he\'d declared venomously. That had been the first hint at what the message from the Ministry was talking about. It had to have something to do with the rumors that had been flying about the castle all day as if they had been seated on the latest Nimbus or Firebolt broom. Hermione had felt a scowl creep across her face at the implication.

\'Professor, are you telling me that the Ministry thinks Professor Snape and I were?....\' Hermione had asked Dumbledore, not quite ready to accept what had been staring her in the face. The idea that she would have even considered climbing into bed with the greasy git had been terribly funny. She hadn\'t been able to help the giggles that had escaped. They had only grown in magnitude when Snape\'s black gaze had latched onto her, his eyes narrowed in what could only have been called extreme dislike.

\'That is precisely what the Ministry thinks, Miss Granger,\' Albus had nodded, his expression one of grave seriousness. Hermione had let the look slide, finding herself convulsed with severe belly laughs that\'d had her clutching her sides because they\'d hurt so badly. Snape\'s stare, had it been a weapon, would have pierced her heart, he\'d glowered at her so fiercely. \'This is no laughing matter, Miss Granger. The Ministry is calling for a resolution. I\'m afraid you won\'t like the one they\'ve asked be put in place.\'

\'Where ever did they get such a ludicrous idea? As if I would ever stoop to sleeping with him,\' Hermione had gestured to the Potions Master, her voice clearly conveying what her thoughts on the subject had been. Severus had snorted at that.

\'And I\'m surely not so desperate that I would have to lower my standards to crawl off with the bushy haired Know-It-All Gryffindor. I do have some semblence of taste,\' had been his acerbic reply. Hermione had glared at him a moment, then given her attention back to Dumbledore. She\'d decided she would never let him know how those words had hurt her. She thought she might curse him down the road, when they were both adults, but she\'d let it go for the time being and be the bigger man, so to speak, about it.

\'That is beside the point. The Ministry is under the impression that not only have the two of you been engaging in a rather illicit affair, which is a serious offense for the both of you,\' Albus had glared at them, looking at them both over the tops of his half moon glasses. \'They also believe that the two of you are expecting a child.\'

The silence in the office had been so deafening, the House Elves in the kitchens down below had practically been heard as they\'d prepared the evening meal. Both Hermione and Severus had glanced at one another, then burst into laughter as one. Dumbledore hadl et them chortle for a moment or two, then cleared his throat. That simple act had gotten both party\'s attention. The two had turned to him, falling into silence almost at the same moment.

\'There is more to the letter than what you\'ve read, Severus,\' Dumbledore had told the tall man. In response, he\'d cocked a brow. Albus had heaved a heavy sigh, then gone on. \'The Ministry has demanded that the two of you marry, Severus. They will not permit such carrying on in the school. As Miss Granger is of an age, they see no reason not to carry out the ceremony immediately. It seems that we shall be visited by a Ministry official within the hour to see it done.\'

\'You cannot be serious, Albus!\' Snape had spoken in a voice so soft, Hermione had known he was past the limits of his patience. \' I will not be forced into a farce of a marriage because the Ministry thinks with it\'s arse. Anyone of those sodding bastards would know that I\'d never, EVER, put a hand on one of my students in a sexual manner. And especially not this prime specimen of future librarian. Hermione Granger is everything I would never envision myself being shackled to for the rest of my miserable existence.\'

\'Well, I should hate for you to think that I would have anything to do with Professor Snape that didn\'t involve a pair of latex gloves, a terribly powerful sleeping draught, a scrub brush, and scalding hot water,\' Hermione had sneered, her tone clearly conveying her distaste with the mere idea of intercourse with the man next to her. He gave her a sneer for her effort. \' I wouldn\'t dare think of dirtying my hands with him.\'

\'Not only is she a Know-It-All Gryffindor, she\'s a bushy haired, prissy virgin, as well,\' Snape drawled slowly. Hermione felt the beginnings of a fine temper bubbling up. She turned to look at him, then dredged up an air of smug superiority.

\'My state of chastity, or lack there of, is something you will never know about, Professor,\' she\'d sniffed at him.

\'Bloody good thing, that. The mere idea of it is enough to cause a severe upset stomach. I don\'t know that I have enough potions in the castle to cure that ill,\' he\'d retorted.

\'Children, enough. I\'m afraid you\'re wasting time sitting about arguing. The representative from the Ministry will be here soon enough, then my hands will be tied. I suggest the two of you go find clothing that will be appropriate for your wedding,\' Dumbledore\'s voice had been so full of sadness, neither one of them had been able to dredge up the spirit to argue. It had been apparent to the both of them that the man\'s hands had been tied.

\'Very bloody well. But I want you to know I am doing so under extreme protest,\' Severus had snapped, then stalked from the room, his robes billowing behind him in a manner Hermione thought could be called ominous. She\'d given the Headmaster a saddened look, then turned and followed him.

~*~*~*~*~

The events of that day seemed to be as far off as the fist night Hermione had come to Hogwarts. She was as nervous now as she had been when called by Professor McGonagall to take her seat and be sorted. She had to be as mental as Ron had accused her of being that first night to be going through with this mad plot. Her and Snape? Married? It was laughable. It was moronic. It was tragic. It was....done. The official that the Ministry had sent was a Wizard\'s equivalent of a Muggle priest or preacher. And he had just finished the ceremony. The four people present were staring at her expectantly.

Professor Dumbledore had called in Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, and Sprout to witness the ceremony with him. Severus was wearing a terminal scowl that would kill the joy in a butterfly at fourty paces. She was sure she had a look on her face somewhere in the neighborhood of completely shocked.

She\'d gone back to Gryffindor Tower to change into something more appropriate. She\'d thought briefly of putting on something black, to signify she was in mourning, but she quickly tossed the idea aside. She didn\'t want Snape to think she was mocking him. So she\'d opted for a knee length dress in a warm golden color. It had sleeves that hung to just above her elbows, loose and flowing. There was a tie in the back, that pulled the waist in. A dart ran along her breasts on either side. It was a simple, yet very feminine dress. A pair of sandals went over her feet, while her robes were put on to cover her dress.

She didn\'t want anyone to ask why she was dressed up. She didn\'t think she could take the laughter she was sure would accompany the explanation. And she didn\'t think she\'d be able to come up with a suitable lie. Not with the way the rumors had flown about this afternoon.

He\'d dressed in..... black. There was a surprise, if she\'d ever seen one. Only the robes he had on now were far more extravagant than those he wore daily. Instead of being wool, they were of a fine linen, faint lines of green and gray embroidered along the cuffs of the sleeves and the neck. Upon closer inspection, Hermione found the stitching to be a series of small, neat snakes that wound one into the next.

He\'d adopted his blank look for the proceedings, staring at the roomful of people with only slightly less hostility than he showed to Potter during any of his Potions classes. He\'d spoken his vows to her with the same precision as a drill seargent and with as much feeling. She\'d been less than impressed with his sincerity.

\'Miss Granger?\' Professor McGonagall had prodded Hermione, snapping her senses back to attention. She looked at the woman. \' I believe they are waiting for you to make your vows.\'

\'Oh,\' the young woman had grinned sheepishly, then turned to look at the Ministry official. He gave her a knowing smile, though she doubted he knew precisely what she was thinking.

\'Repeat after me, Miss Granger. I willingly bind myself to Severus Snape. He is the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I will be honest and faithful to him for the rest of my days. In the name of the Lord and the Lady, I plight thee my troth,\' the man prompted. She held back a sigh and repeated the words, wondering how Severus had got through them without vomiting.

The moment she\'d finished with the last word, Hermione felt something unuasual. It was as if someone had thrown silken strands around her and drawn them tight with her final word. She looked up at Severus with questioning eyes. He merely stared back, and she wondered if he even knew that she had no clue as to what had just happened.

She was in shock as the presiding official huddled with Dumbledore and McGonagall. The three of them spoke in hushed tones for several moments before turning back to face the not so happy couple. \'If you and Miss Granger..... erm, that is, Mrs. Snape will sign here, I will be on my way.\'

The man held out a rather official looking document to the two of them. He had a quill in his other hand. Severus sighed and took it first, putting his name on the parchment in his scrolling, neat script. Hermione took the quill from him. He fingers brushed his, sending tingles of heat shooting up her arm. She carefully wrote her name in the space the man\'s finger pointed to. He smiled and took his quill back, then rolled the parchment up and tied it with a length of silver ribbon. The scroll was tucked into his robes, then he gave his bright, beaming smile to the room.

\'You may now kiss your bride,\' he said, watching Severus expectantly. The look in the Potions Master\'s eyes would have killed, had they been real. He looked down at Hermione a moment, then curled his hands about her arms tightly and pulled her to him. She stared up at him, noting the glint in his eyes. He was thinking something, and she was certain she wouldn\'t like what it was.

Severus pulled her to him, slipping one hand up to cradle the back of her head. He would not suffer the indignity of having her pull away from him while he was properly kissing her, showing her who the man and master in the relationship would be. What little relationship they were to have. He smirked at her, bringing her eyes open wide in shock. Before she could say anything, his lips took hers.

Hermione\'s mind reeled when Severus\' lips touched hers. They were soft, despite the fact that he was kissing her in a most demanding, domineering way. She felt her body react, the way her nipples tightened and prodded his chest. The way desire ignited, flaring to life to head straight to her very center. It pooled there, nothing but liquid heat. It was heated and exciting, sending a slow burning flame through her body.

When he set her from him, the smirk had grown. She\'d barely heard the man from the Ministry tell them in his happiest tones that they were now married, permanently bound to one another. The only thing she seemed capable of comprehending is that Severus Snape, the nastiest, greasiest bastard she\'d ever had the displeasure of meeting, had just kissed her and lit the torch on a burning desire. The likes of which she\'d never even known could exist.

She hadn\'t ever guessed that Snape could kiss like that. And if he could kiss like that, what did that have to say for his shagging abilities? She was now his wife. She could legally find out. But still. Snape? It had to be. Here it was, five minutes later and her toes were still curled in the sandals she had donned.

\'Bloody hell!\' Hermione muttered. Just what had she gotten herself into now?

end chapter one.
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this chapter is completely unbeta-ed, except for my own going back through a time or two. so any mistakes you find here are mine, and mine alone.

please let me know what you think of this and if you would like me to continue. if so, i think it should prove fun.

this idea stemmed from the thought of what would happen if some very innocent statements were overheard and taken completely out of context. i only hope that you find the same humor in this that i did.

oh, and suggestions are always welcome. thanks lots for reading.