MISSION: Get Hermione Laid

This is fic is sort of inspired by the challenge up at WIKTT, but decided I preferred my own rules… (Besides it’s well time for another PWP with a canon Snape – or at least an attempt to be…) Oh, and it’s AU – I think we’re all in need of a little Sirius relief too…And why not throw in that sexy werewolf while I’m at it!

NC-17 HG/SS/SB/RL

MISSION: GET HERMIONE LAID


I am rather drunk. No, wait, let me rephrase that – I am completely and utterly pished! Not the passed out on the toilet floor in a pool of my own vomit pished though, no, that wouldn’t do at all. No I’m the bubbly, everything is hilariously funny, starting to feel particularly horny pished. And in great anguish that I am doomed to remain a virgin for all my living years.

Have finally decided it is well enough time to lose the virginal Hermione stance, and become a woman. After all, school is over in two weeks and I really think I need a new perspective on life. Yeah right – it’s just about time I got what I wanted and stopped worrying about my reputation! Mission: Get Hermione Laid.

Have been talking rather loudly and even more than usual to anyone who will listen to me. Harry has just taken himself out of the equation by shoving his tongue down Ginny’s throat and the sight is starting to make my stomach churn. Right, time for a new victim. And perhaps one can can solve the horny problem too. Hm, options…

Well, obviously not Harry. Course could tempt him and Ginny into a threesome but am not really that way inclined. Besides, don’t really want two of my best friends to be witness to loss of said virginity. Don’t really think either of them bought my story about shag with Victor…

Ron…dear Ron. Boy has a heart of gold, but frankly he’s too much like a brother to me and it would just be plain icky.

Neville – need I say anymore?

Dumbledore, well, don’t even go there. Besides, McGonagall looks like she is enjoying his company a little too much – a lot of high pitched giggling going on there. He’s just a *tad* too old for my liking anyway…

Boys, need to find boys. The Weasley twins seem to be more preoccupied with conjuring up mischief in the corner than having a shag, and that red hair…well, could live without that tonight – vision is blurry enough already, thank you!

“Bloody hell!” I think out loud. Then turn back to Harry and Ginny, “You know what? There is no one here worthy of shagging!”

Outburst seems to have shocked them into breaking their grope for a moment or two.

“Excuse me?” Harry asks, looking quite surprised.

Ginny giggles. “Oh, come on, Herm. There must be someone…what about Neville?”

Glance back at boy wonder – wonder how he ever passed his NEWTS. He is completely comatose on the sofa now. “I prefer my boys to be alive!”

“Rules out Snape them, doesn’t it,” Harry laughs, then freezes at the exchange of looks between Ginny and I. I glance around the room, but our deliciously snarky Potions Master is no where in sight.

“Looks like he’s taken himself out of the equation,” I reply with a sigh and am quite satisfied by the shocked look on Harry’s face. Ah, well even if removal of virginity isn’t possible tonight, Harry at least appears to be looking at me in a different light. Good.

“Well, why don’t you go find him?” Ginny suggests, but even in this state I can still translate that as ‘bugger off and leave me to snog Harry!’

“Nah. Think I’ll just head for bed,” I reply with a resigned sigh. Flag it, there’s always the end of year ball in two weeks.

Ginny and Harry don’t waste a moment as I leave, Ginny barely taking a moment to wave at me behind Harry’s back as he wraps his arms back around her and pins her to the wall. Thanks so much!

Mission: Failure

Wander from the lounge, passing by the kitchen. A glance inside gives me the delightful sight of Arthur and Molly Weasley doing things I’d rather not have witnessed upon the kitchen counter. Ughh!

Spend trip up the stairs trying to wipe that vision from my mind without much success when I catch a piece of conversation that stops me dead in my tracks…

“Oh, now Severus, you can’t tell me you didn’t lay a finger on any of the students this year!”

My, now this sounds interesting. I creep closer to the doorway, hoping not to be seen. Would love to hear the response. I peak through the gap between the hinges, my inquisitive Gryffindor nature getting the better of me once again. Gods, seated in that room around small wooden table are possibly the three most attractive men alive. Well, at least in my opinion, and I have been taking an internal poll as of late…

The table is littered with cards and small piles of sickles set before each of the players in what appears to be a game of poker. There is a large bottle of firewhiskey to one side, half-empty. But none of this is the interesting part. It’s who is sitting around that table that grabs my attention. Professor Lupin, Sirius and Professor Snape. Dirty part of hormone ridden mind wishes it were a game of strip poker – but on closer inspection is probably best that it’s not…

I have quite a clear view of Professor Lupin who is sitting right opposite the door. His shirt is undone the first few buttons giving me a lovely sample of what lies beneath. His tie is still knotted, but hanging loosely from his neck and for some reason this hits me right in my already overactive imagination. Frankly the man looks about ready to be jumped – and if I don’t gain some control it will be me doing the jumping! His chest – ah, that chest. There is a fine smattering of hair there, not too much mind you. Don’t dig hairy men, but this is just perfect – just enough to let me know that this indeed a man I am looking at, not some silly little schoolboy. His skin is smooth in appearance, pulled tight over muscles fitting for a werewolf. Cripes, must stop looking at him before I start drooling…

Next to him, Sirius is looking smugly across the table at Professor Snape. Sirius in a tight black T-shirt really doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Gods, if only to run my hands over that fabric…ah, now that would be delicious! His hair looks damp, as if he has just stepped out the shower. Sirius in the shower…now that bares thinking about! His dark eyes are twinkling humorously and have insatiable need now to be the one who causes that smug grin….

Unfortunately, Professor Snape has his back to me. However, he has discarded his robes, sitting there in a black shirt with sleeves rolled up to the elbows. His arms are muscles too, though perhaps not as much as Sirius’, but still quite attractive. He moves his hand to pick up his glass of firewhisky giving me a clear view of the Dark Mark on his forearm. Gods, have always had a thing for bad boys…let’s see, James Dean (Muggle actor my mum has a thing for), Professor Snape…oh, okay, just the two of them, but still! And I suppose you could count Sirius in that category too.

What on earth the three of them are doing playing poker together is beyond me, but frankly I don’t care! Minor detail. I was more interested in what Snape’s reply would be to Sirius’ question – indeed Professor, who have you been shagging this year?

“Well?” Sirius prods, and my drunk mind freaks for a moment that they can read my thoughts, before quickly dismissing this as intoxicated paranoia.

“I don’t believe that is any of your business, Black,” Snape growls in response. Okay, may be it isn’t the friendly game of poker I thought.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Sirius laughed heartily sending shivers up my spine. “No wonder you’re in such a foul mood!”

“I’ll have you know I wasn’t with out propositions.” Snape’s voice is silky and velvety resonating thh myh my body. Going to lose my self-control soon… “Just such a wretched bunch of 7ths this year…”

“Nice to see you sticking to the 7ths, Sev,” Lupin says with a small nod. He then glances at Sirius and adds “Some of us could learn from that.”

“Hey, I didn’t know she was fifteen! That’s not what she told me! Besides, I was nineteen for heavens sake, let it go!”

Snape scoffs at Sirius, then discards one of the cards in his hand, tossing it to the table with a great flourish.

“And come on, Sev, there’s plenty of hot seventh years this year,” Sirius continues.

“Such as?” Snape asks sceptically.

“Well, I don’t know. Pansy Parkinson’s matured somewhat,” Sirius says, almost pulling off his straight face. The three of them look at each other and burst into laughter.

“You know, we really shouldn’t…it’s not her fault…” Lupin tries to stop them all, but even he is having trouble holding back his laughs.

Frankly, I have to agree with them. Pansy is never going to be a looker.

“How about Millicent Bulstrode? She is Slytherin after…” S…” Sirius suggested, and the laughter continues. Finally they calm down.

“Hermione Granger?” Lupin suggests quietly. Oh, gods no, don’t let them laugh at me! Please don’t let them…

“Ah, the delectable Miss Granger,” Snape drawls and I honestly can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not. I suddenly realise I am holding my breath, praying that they are not going to make fun of me. I really couldn’t take that after my failed mission tonight. He leans back in his chair, and picks up something from the table. I can’t see what it is through his back, but the click and languid puff of smoke a few moments later informs me it was a cigarette.

“Merlin, why didn’t you give her one of your detentions?” Sirius asks wistfully. He has a distant look in his eyes. He thinks I’m attractive? Wow!

Mission: Looking up

“Right, like Gryffindors golden girl would ever put a toe out of line. She’d be off telling Dumbledore before I could even suggest the idea…” Snape says with a snort.

Says who?!

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Lupin replies, tossing his unwanted cards into the centre of the table.

“How would you know?” Sirius asks suspiciously. “Been exercising your Professorly privileges and not telling us about them?”

Yes, indeed Lupin, how would you know? Shift a little closer to the door, desperate to hear his response.

“Just speculation. Course, I have seen he way she looks at half the boys, not to mention the Professors at Hogwarts – like she’d quite happily devour them.”

I can just imagine Snape raising one disbelieving eyebrow at him, and my suspicions are confirmed when Lupin looks at him and adds “Yes, you too, Severus.”

Shit! How embarrassing! Do I really go around looking like some sex-deprived maniac?

“Course, I can smell her too.”

Ah, well, I suppose that makes me feel a little better – maybe it was just Lupin who noticed. Course, now Sirius and Snape know too….AGHHH!

“Could have told me that a bit sooner!” Snape growls.

“Me too, damn you!” Sirius adds.

“As delightful as it would be to have my way with Hermione, I really don’t think it’s appropriate. And not for you two either!”

Yikes, three perfectly shaggible men want me, yet here I am standing in the hallway. This is all wrong! However, I do have the enough sense even in this state to give them ample time to change the subject before I walk in. Ten seconds should be enough.

“Hermione,” Lupin says clearing his throat. “I thought you were downstairs partying?”

“Nothing worth looking at down there,” I reply. Love the sight of seeing all three of them squirming under my scrutinising. “Mind if I join you?”

Sirius makes a slight choking sound.

“Forgive me for my presumption, Miss Granger, but we’re playing for money,” Snape growls at me. Bit embarrassed are we, Professor? Oh, what a pity…

“Oh. Well, I think I’ll go to bed then,” I reply, knowing full well from the look on Sirius’ face that he isn’t about to let me go anywhere.

“Now, don’t be so hasty, Severus. Miss Granger may gave something to offer,” Sirius said hopefully.

“I’m afraid Professor Snape is correct – I’m skint.” Give Sirius my best innocent smile and am rdedrded by desperate look in those puppy dog eyes. A mischievous smirk quickly replaces his disappointment, and he glances at Lupin, who quickly shakes his head. Sirius thankfully doesn’t listen to his old friend.

“How about we make this game a little more interesting and up the stakes?” Sirius suggests. This time I do see Snape raise his eyebrow in interest.

Ooh, looks like strip poker might just be on the table after all…

However, what Sirius says is much more interesting.

“Audeo Poker.”

“Excuse me?” Snape says, obviously not understanding. Hm, got one up on the Potions Master there – have spent many a night at the burrow playing this with Harry, Ron and his siblings.

“Dare Poker – winner of each round gets to make any of the losers do something of their choosing.”

A smile plays at the Potions Master’s lips, and though Lupin tries to hide his own smirk, he doesn’t succeed.

“Well then,” I reply, “deal me in.”

Mission: Proceeding nicely!



AN: Decided a little research was necessary for this fic (read as Fervesco wanted an excuse to dig into the wine). Hence am posting this in a rather blurry state and apologise for any mistakes – when sobered up tomorrow I shall re-read this and fix it up and probably cringe in horror. Oh, and I know it’s pissed not pished but my other sordid obsession, Red Dwarf, is currently playing in the background and influencing this all too much…