Putting on the Ritz

PUTTING ON THE RITZ
by Anu (anubeta@lycos.com)
Humor. Slash. Hard P.
.

__________________________________________

\"Watch where you\'re going, mudblood!\" Malfoy snapped, having just slapped into Hermione\'s shoulder.

Harry, who was with her, scowled. \"Fuck off, Malfoy.\"

\"You first, son of a mudblood bitch. I\'m late for class. Ta.\" He said snottily and pranced off at high speed.

\"He dropped something.\" Hermione pointed out a scrap of paper on the floor.

Harry picked it up and read.

/Meet me at the third suit of armor with a skeleton inside. Ten tonight, if you can manage that, Potter./

It was written in Malfoy\'s neat scrawling hand, oddly reminiscent of his sneering drawl.

\"What is it?\" Hermoine asked, trying to peer over his shoulder.

\"Nothing.\" He told her. \"Let\'s go to class.\"

Probably a trick anyway.

*****

Why am I here? He wondered.

Huddled under his Invisibility Cloak, he waited for Malfoy to show. It wasn\'t as if he and Malfoy were friends, hell, they *hated* each other. The invitation didn\'t appear to be anything like a trick, a trap, or a setup to use Harry as a punching bag. It seemed he had been stood up, instead.

It was five after ten by his watch when Malfoy showed.

Malfoy scanned the area, and his eyes narrowed. \"Come out Potter.\" He snapped.

Harry stood, hiding his cloak. \"Malfoy. How did you know I was going to be here?\"

\"You couldn\'t resist, and I knew it. No one can resist a Malfoy.\" He said haughtily. \"Besides, I can smell the gay on you.\"

Harry\'s eyes widened. \"Pardon?\"

\"Gay. You know, oggling guy\'s butts to the points where it doesn\'t matter if what walks by is Slytherin or not.\"

\"I don\'t do that.\" Harry said, but blushed to have been caught.

\"Please.\" Draco slurred. Was he drunk? \"I have eyes.\"

\"Are you drunk?\" Harry blurted.

\"Only a little.\" Malfoy said, wobbling.

\"So why am I here?\" Harry demanded. He was *not* having anything to do with a drunken Malfoy.

\"Because I invited you to a Slytherin party, you dtwattwat.\"

\"Why did you do that?\"

\"In my more sadistic moods, I like to torture random objects. This week\'s object was the Sorting Hat. I stuck pins in him until he told me that you could have been Slytherin.\"

\"That\'s cruel.\"

\"I said I was sadistic.\"

\"But without witnesses.\"

\"There you go, we\'re both in the same situation, reacting like Slytherins. Which means you must be alright after all, so long as the Gryffindors are far, far away.\" Draco leaned on the wall. Harry suspected it was because he was about to fall over.

\"So.\" Draco produced a bottle from inside his robes and began sucking at it. \"Want to come to the party?\"

\"Why should I?\"

\"Slytherins have sex, drugs, and illegal potions supplied to us when our head of house is in a good mood. When yours is, she gives you a point apiece and puts you to bed with a pat on your heads and bums.\" Draco hiccupped.

Harry debated, eyeing the half-lidded Malfoy. The Slytherin party sounded disreputable, which is why he wanted to do it. If he were caught, he\'d face hell from Mcgallgall and the Gryffindors.

Malfoy made his decision for him, passing out with a thud.

Great. Now he had to take the sod back to his housemates. Stupid Malfoy.

Harry went over to him and looked at him, squatting. He wasn\'t sure how one picked up his enemy and carted him off, especially when the other was as big as he was. Draco cracked oan ean eye.

\"Potter.\" He said.

\"What?\" Harry asked irritably.

\"You haven\'t answered my question.\"

\"I\'m surprised you remember you asked one, you drunken oaf.\" Harry mumbled. But he said, \"Don\'t you hate me, Malfoy?\"

Draco looked affronted. He held up his hand, his first fingers and thumb together. \"Only a little.\" He squinted at his fingers. \"Dammit.\" He tried to move them further apart, but was too drunk to get them to respond to him. \"Hey, move them apart a little.\" He demanded.

Harry moved them. \"Better?\" Malfoy\'s hands were cold.

\"No. A half-inch, I don\'t like you *that* much.\"

Harry tried again.

\"What is that, four inches? I said a half-inch.\"

Harry sighed, and tried once more, still not to Draco\'s satisfaction before tossing the other boy\'s hand back at him. \"Do it yourself.\" He snapped.

Draco looked at him slytherinishly. \"That was the point of having you move them me. me. I am far too intoxicated.\" He stretched lazily, like a cat.

\"You sod, Malfoy.\" Harry said, grinning despite his annoyance. His nemesis wasn\'t so bad after all. Drunk, at least, he was bearable.

Draco had already fallen asleep.

Harry sighed heavily, and after a few minutes of fumbling, grunting and swearing, managed to rise to his feet with an awkward bundle of blonde slytherin in his arms.

For such a short little thing, Draco was pretty goddam heavy
I
It took Harry a while to find the entrance to the Slytherins dormitories from here, but he recognized the blank stone wall when he saw it. He shook Malfoy. \"What\'s the password?\" He whispered.

Draco mumbled without opening his eyes, \"Fiskar Rakums\".

No surprise, the door opened.

And Harry stepped into mayhem.

A slytherin leapt on him as soon as he got in the door, but not with malicious intent. In fact, as he guessed by the way she was trying to rip his shirt off, as was with carnal intent. Lazily Malfoy batted at her when she got too close to him.

Marcus Flint appeared and scraped her off them, scooping her up and carrying her off. \"Sorry, aphrodisiacs. She got away from me.\" He said, and wobbled off. Harry wondered why none of the Slytherins were hostile in here, then noticed the bleary eyes, the silly grins, the happy wobbling. They were *all* sossed. Harry stepped over a fallen first year clutching a bottle of rum and headed to a chair where he could set Draco.

After he\'d put Draco down, he pulled up a chair next to him and wondered if he should leave. Blaise Zabini and Millicent Bulstrode were dancing on a table, Millicent in her robes (thank god) and Blaise in a tiny pink tutu skirt and heels. Both wore smudged pink lipstick.

A song Harry had never heard before but liked started up, and he watched as Millicent got off the table and Blaise gave a grand show.

\'Putting on the Ritz\' the music sang, and Blaise twirled to the airy music, sweat running down his chest and thighs. He must have been dancing all night. With the skirt that didn\'t even cover his buttocks, his flat chest seemed obscene somehow.

Pansy Parkinson flopped into a chair next to Harry and stared.

\"Am I on a bad trip, or are you really Potter?\"
She waved her hand at him as if expecting it would pass through him like an illusion.

\"Er, Potter.\" He answered.

\"Stuff it smoksmoke, you tight arse.\" Draco drawled in his ear, having overcome his stupor. He shoved a pipe in Harry\'s mouth.

With a sigh and shrug, Harry did.

*****

By the end of the pipe, he\'d been giggling. By then end of the second bottle shared with Malfoy, he was trying to sing along to \'video killed the radio star\' in a terrible falsetto.

Either Malfoy could never really be killed off for the night by liquor, or he had a stash of pepperup potion that he wasn\'t sharing, because every time he passed out he\'d suspiciously awaken bright and perky shortly after.

The third time Malfoy woke up after the weed, he sat in Harry\'s lap, and Harry tried to spike his hair with spit.

It didn\'t work, not that either of them cared.

When they moved themselves to the couch to do one another\'s hair with beer, Blaise bounded over and danced for them, then lay himself across their laps. Harry got the head end. He could see how spaced out Blaise was, eyes dilated and mouth slack. It was funny, but Harry thought he looked delicious.

It seemed natural to lean forward and kiss him. For Draco, it seemed just as natural to lean forward and stuff his head under the lace skirt to swallow the erection Blaise had been sporting since they had come in - probably all night. After that, it seemed a unanimously good idea to go upstairs and test how strong Draco\'s bed was.

It was important, Harry reasoned. Draco might fall when jumping on it someday.

*****

Morning dawned. Cocks crowed. Drunken Slytherins moaned.

Harry opened one eye. Draco Malfoy was right in front of him. This couldn\'t be. He\'d *never* share a bed with that prat Malfoy.

Malfoy did look awful cute asleep, though.

And was that pink lipstick?

Oh, if it weren\'t for his pounding headache! He could tease Malfoy for centuries over this.

Something moved beside him. Harry looked down to see pink lace. What the hell?

After he got the tiny pink tutu skirt off form around his neck, Harry was able to see Blaise Zabini sleeping with his head on Draco\'s thigh, arm around Harry\'s leg.

In his hand, was a tube of pink lipstick, currently besmearing the sheets.

Harry\'s head hurt. He flopped back down. Draco grunted beside him, blinking. \"Oooh shit.\" He whimpered.

\"Light...ugh.\" Came a voice from down between them.

They looked at one another. \"Gryffindor.\" Blaise slurred.

Harry muttered back \"Slytherin.\"

For some reason, this caused them to giggle.

Draco moaned at the motion of the bed and sniffed his hair. \"Why do I smell like Potter spit and beer?\"

Blaise shrugged, crawling up between them. \"I have rings around my cock.\" He informed them solemnly.

Harry and Draco both looked. Indeed - there were pink lipstick rings around the boy\'s softened member. Both Harry and Draco wore lipstick. Blaise grinned broadly at the both of them, and put his arms around them smugly.

Harry fished something out from under him that was poking him in the leg, looked at it and dropped it with a howl.

A large, blue, incriminating dildo rolled under the bed.

Harry made a face. \"Please, god, tell me that none of us used that.\"

Blaise and Draco looked at it. \"Not here.\" Draco said.

Blaise make a \'my ass is sore\' face. Harry and Draco laughed.

Draco fumbled around a bit, and found a wand.

Blaise attempted to scratch an itch, and found a joint.

They fought over it, then the wand, and wound up sharing it, with Harry making sure it was passed back in forth. Blaise and Draco were trying to hog it all. Someone crawled out form under the bed to get his share.

When it was gone, the slytherins curled up against Harry.

\"You know, you\'re not so bad, Potter.\" Blaise said, playing with Harry\'s pubic hair.

\"Mmm.\" Harry said.

Draco stuffed the dildo up his arse a little more.

\"Argh, yeah, there Draco, there.\" Harry said.

\"We get along quite well.\" Draco added.

\"We do, don\'t we?\" Blaise said, making Draco\'s hips jerk as he played the prostate banjo.

\"So, want to come to the next Slytherin party, Potter?\" Snape asked, taking his mouth off Harry\'s cock.

\"*Definitely*.\" Harry replied, shoving his head back down.


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