Mommy Dearest

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I love them dearly. No gain, no pain.

Rating: R (possible eventual NC-17)

Summary: Answer to Kiristeen\'s \"Getting Snape Married\" challenge. Severus\'s interfering mother has plans for her son to marry and have children. Severus isn\'t at all happy about her schemes, and Remus Lupin suddenly finds himself caught in the middle - and caring more than he ever thought he might.

Notes: This story is slash, people. If you don\'t like, please don\'t read. Constructive comments and criticism are gratefully accepted.

Mommy Dearest

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\"No.\"

\"What do you mean \'no\', Severus?\"

\"No means no. It is a negation, a lack of affirmation. It is the opposite of agreement, the antithesis of cooperation, the pinnacle of denial. It is found in the dictionary at some location between \'Mother\' and \'Oblivious\', and it signifies that I would rather suffer being boiled in one of my own potions than go along with your ludicrous request!\"

Severus\'s deep voice had increased from a low growl at the beginning of his tirade, escalating rapidly through \"higher growl\" and \"loud snarl\". It skipped over \"angry shout\" directly to \"enraged bellow\" at the end, a tone of voice which would have had every single one of his students - and not a few of his fellow colleagues and most of Voldemort\'s Death Eaters - lying on the ground whimpering and crying if it had been directed at them.

Serena Snape merely smiled.

Severus scowled. Damn the woman, anyway. Just because she had given birth to him didn\'t mean she had any right to suggest anything so.... utterly repulsive!

\"I don\'t see the problem, Severus, and I don\'t understand your opposition,\" she said in a very patient, concerned voice. \"It\'s high time you had an heir. I really don\'t want to see your uncle Salmonius inheriting the family fortune. He\'s a nasty man, and his wife is so stupid that he had to take away her wand because she hexed herself at least once a day. Just think of it as doing your part to keep the gene pool clean - if Salmonius inherits, then *he* will undoubtedly try for an heir with that... cretin... he married!\"

Her son raised an incredulous eyebrow. \"You honestly believe that your choice for me is an improvement?\"

\"Really, Severus, do give me some credit. She read a wonderful fortune for me, all full of death and doom and such. Besides, it sounds lovely. Say it and you\'ll see... Sybill Snape....\"

\"NO!\" he roared, slamming his hands down on the desk between them hard enough to send a jolt of pain up his arms, while the crackle of rage-induced magic in the air caused several loose parchments to tumble from the shelves and at least two delicate crystal vials to explode.

Serena blinked at her son reproachfully.

\"Honestly, Severus, one would think that you were some forty year old virgin or something from the way you are carrying on!\" she sighed. Then she peered at him closely, raising a black brow far too similar to his own for himformfort. \"You *aren\'t*, are you?\"

A sort of strangled choke came from the direction of the doorway, and Severus glanced up in horror to see none other than Remus Lupin standing there, one hand pressed over his mouth as rather ominous gagging noises issued from it. The amber eyes of the werewolf were almost popping out of his face, and tears were spilling down his cheeks. He looked as though he were either going to be violently ill, or die of suppressed laughter - and Severus had a horrible suspicion it was the latter. Actually, at the moment, dying himself seemed like a good option. No humiliation ever visited upon him by the Marauders or the Dark Lord could compare to the one being dealt by the very woman who had given him life.

\"Mother, if you think I am going to discuss this with you, then you are even more delusional than Trelawney. Please go now, before I end up in Azkaban for your murder,\" he asked through clenched teeth.re tre this anyone but his own mother, he would have hexed her into next week.

\"Severus, virginity can be taken care of, we\'ll get a professional, then you won\'t have to worry about...\'

\"MOTHER!\"

The thunderous resonation of that single word rattled the windows in their casements, and caused half the books on the bookcase to fly off. Every glass beaker on the lab table fragmented into shards, and the wooden top of Snape\'s desk cracked neatly in two, scatter parchments and quills in all directions.

Serena frowned.

\"Severus, I find your temper to be quite annoyingly tiresome. If you will just listen to me for once. Professionals are nothing to be ashamed of...\"

Remus saw the force of the next Snape-explosion was going to be so severe that it might do serious structural damage to the dungeons. Being that he was rather fond of the school and didn\'t want to see it hurt, he curbed his laughter long enough to say the first thing that came into his head.

\"He doesn\'t need a professional... I assure you he\'s no virgin.\"

\"What?\" Serena Snape asked, turning around again to raise a brow in inquiry.

\"What?\" Severus Snape asked, staring at his colleague as though he had suddenly sprouted an extra head.

\"Er... um...\" Remus said, flushing, and mentally kicking himself for having opened his mouth. Why did he always act first and think later, he mused, seeing two pair of identical black eyes boring into him. Ye gods, he thought Severus\'s gaze bad enough alone, but to have it squared like this...

\"Why, pray tell, would you have any cause to know?\" Serena asked, looking over the sandy-haired wizard in the unkempt, patched robes as though he were some new species of bacteria.

Remus shot his fellow professor a panicked look, but the Potions Master merely scowled unhelpfully, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at him, as if to say, \"you got yourself into this, you can get yourself out of it.\"

\"Well... it\'s.... I...\" Remus stammered, blushing furiously.

The female Snape\'s eyes narrowed in suspicion, then widened as she looked between the two men. Her pale face went even paler. Severus could almost read exactly where her thoughts went, and he groaned in horror.

\"Mother, you\'re misunderstanding this,\" he said, shootine wee werewolf a positively venomous look.

But Serena apparently had drawn her own conclusions. Rising swiftly from the chair, she turned and fled out the door, brushing past Remus with a swirl of black robes worthy of her son.

That must be where he learned that, Remus thought distantly, then turned to look back at the pale, tight lipped Potions Master. For a moment he thought that Severus looked angry enough to stride across the room and kill him - but then the other wizard seemed to calm down, drawing a deep, calming breath.

\"Well, Lupin, you\'ve managed to convince my mother that I\'m a homosexual. I don\'t know whether to to kill you for that, to thank you for getting her out of here, or to congratulate you for being the first person I have ever seen who has shut her up.\"

Remus looked at the black-haired wizard in surprise, relaxing now that his colleague no longer seemed on the verge of murder. He ged. ed. \"Congratulate me, of course.\"

Severus sighed, rubbing a hand across his eyes. \"I trust I don\'t have to make it clear to you that if you ever mention this to anyone, your next batch of wolfsbane potion will contain something... unpleasant?\"

\"Of course,\" Remus agreed. Then some imp of mischief lodged itself in his mouth, and before he knew what was happening, he was speaking. \"But will you tell me one thing?\"

Snape merely raised a brow, but Remus took that as acquiescence.

\"*Are* you a virgin?\" the werewolf asked - and had to turn and flee as the former Death Eater drew his wand, and began casting hexes after him as fast as he could speak.

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Next Chapter: Remus gets a bee in his bonnet, and Severus wonders why everything always happens to him.