Madrigal

I had never in my life felt so good the day after the Cruciatus Curse. I was typically awake all night, thrashing around in pain and misery. I would be so nauseated that I’d drag myself to the bathroom a dozen times to heave up bile and mucous. But Hermione’s delightful muggle pills gave me a reprieve I’d never before experienced. I couldn’t help but admire her resourcefulness and creativity. I was raised by a muggle, for fuck’s sake! How did it never occur to me to experiment with muggle medication?!

She appeared in my lab that evening even though it wasn’t one of our scheduled nights. Upon seeing her compassionate expression, my chest suddenly filled with shame and something akin to anger. “Miss Granger, can you please enlighten me as to why you’ve invaded my privacy on one of my few blessed days free of your bothersome presence?”

She looked at me with a pained expression, and I immediately felt terrible. Her lip quivered as she mumbled, “I just wanted to see how the medicine worked and see if you needed another dose.” She studiously avoided my eyes.

I sighed with far more resignation and annoyance than I actually felt. “I’m doing quite well, thank you, Miss Granger. But I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been ruminating on this all day, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we must immediately cease your apprenticeship.”

Her eyes bulged in shock and fury. “You can’t do that, Sir! I’ve put so much work in! You NEED me! Dumbledore told you that you had to do this! You can’t stop! You just can’t…” she trailed off, seemingly overcome with emotion.

“I can, and I will. This little… dalliance… was a bad idea from the beginning. You’re putting your life in danger. You’re putting my life in danger. This can’t continue.”

“I don’t CARE that I’m in danger! We’re ALL in danger! VOLDEMORT IS OUT THERE AND HE WON’T STOP COMING FOR US UNTIL WE’RE ALL DEAD! I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO HELP! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT??”

“Do not use his name in my presence!” I hissed furiously. I stared straight ahead, my face a stony masque. “And be that as it may, you are far too vulnerable to be privy to such valuable information. Your mind opened to mine like a fucking book, girl! What do you think the Dark Lord would do to you, huh? His Legilimency would have you reduced to a drooling vegetable in a manner of minutes!!!”

“Then teach me!”

“Excuse me?”

“Teach me Occlumency! Like you tried to do with Harry! But I’ll actually WORK! I’ll work so hard. You’ll see. I will do ANYTHING I need to keep this position. I finally have MEANING in my life, Master Snape! I feel like I’m contributing. Like I’m actually worth something to somebody. Like I’m not just a burden…” Her face was alight with passion. Her eyes glowed like coals, and her jaw was set in an expression rather like one Professor McGonagall would have given me back when I was her student.

“Ok then, little girl. If you’re so eager to have your deepest and darkest secrets probed for my amusement, then you’ll have no problem starting immediately.”

“Good. Go ahead, then.” Her chin was thrust forward in an expression of utter bull-headed surety.

“Very well. This will be highly unpleasant. Legilimens!”

I dove into those deep tawny pools and instantly felt Hermione unfolding around me. The fabric of her mind was even more complex and luxurious than I had remembered. It felt like something finer than silk, softer than fur, and sturdier than leather. I felt a bizarre compulsion to wrap myself up inside her and never leave. I focused intently, and the threads composing the 4-dimensional fabric of her mind came into focus. The color of her current state was the mostly stormy grey tones of anger, interwoven with a rather confusing array of yellows, reds, and deep purples. I reached for a particularly expressive eggplant thread and pulled…

I was looking up at Master Snape. My diminutive hands were clutching the lapels of his fine woolen waistcoat. My pulse was pounding deliriously in my throat, and my head was so foggy I could hardly string a thought together. I slowly, so slowly, relaxed my hands, spreading them across his solid, expansive chest. A thrill ran through my body as I realized that his heart was pounding too. It fluttered against my palm like a moth trapped beneath glass. The fabric of his vest was pleasantly rough, and the hard plains of his chest felt powerful and unyielding beneath my hands.

What do I do? What’s happening?! I was just trying to give him some material to convince Voldemort of our ruse! And now my body is betraying me! Merlin’s beard! He must think I’m insane! Why am I touching his chest?! Why can’t I move away?? MOVE AWAY YOU STUPID GIRL!

Then I noticed an unfamiliar throb…

“NO!!” She screeched, and I was thrown forcefully from her mind. If I hadn’t been seated I’m pretty sure I’d have fallen on my ass.

“What the hell was that??” she demanded. Her hair formed a furious halo around her head, and I could swear I saw sparks of magic igniting within it.

“I did tell you what to expect,” I drawled indifferently.

“I know what you said! But that’s not fair! You can’t look at that!” Her face was red with fury and… something else?

“Oh really? And why can I not view a memory that I was a part of?”

She opened her mouth to speak, then abruptly closed it. Her body language gradually settled from indignant rage into shame and finally into obsequiousness. She stood there for a very long time, staring at a spot a good six inches above my head.

“I have no further complaints. I apologize for my outburst, Master Snape. It was completely uncalled-for. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Sir.” She looked at me then with such regret and humiliation in her eyes that the hard ball of rage which had formed in my chest melted away in an instant. It left behind a sensation rather like a gaping hole. Her pale, delicate face was so miserable and innocent that I imagined taking her into my arms, enveloping her, keeping her safe from everything and everyone that had ever thought to harm her. I finally shook myself out of my reverie after having spent a wholly inappropriate length of time staring at her.

“Your apology is accepted, Miss Granger. It’s exceedingly difficult to have someone rifling through your memories. Trust me, I know,” I sighed, shaking my head mournfully. “Tomorrow I will begin to teach you to occlude. Now that you’ve experienced how horrific it is for your mind to be violated by an evil, predatory man, maybe you’ll be more motivated to learn. If you didn’t like ME seeing through your eyes, imagine what having the Dark Lord inside you would feel like.”

“Thank you, Sir. I’ll see you tomorrow at 8 then?”

I nodded my consent. My chest continued to ache inexplicably as she turned away from me. As she strode down the short corridor I could’ve sworn I heard her murmur, “You’re not a predator and you’re not an evil man. And no matter how hard you try, you can’t convince me otherwise.”