W.I.B

Snape lead the Order and J and K into the stone building where Voldemort’s ‘I have yet another new poncey costume’ celebratory revel was going on full sway. Or rather full swish.


“Keep quiet!” he hissed in a whisper. Snape craned his neck to peek into the room. “Right. He’s got the gloves on. Good. Do nothing until my signal.”

The Dark Lord was indeed wearing the secretly charmed gold satin opera gloves that he assumed was a gift from Severus and was showing them off with flamboyant wrist flicks and finger waves. Snape was pained to see that Voldemort had even changed his outfit to match them. The now Gold Lord was wearing some hideous strapless number that he had obviously charmed to match his new gloves. Worse yet, he had transfigured himself a pair of falsies to fill out the gown’s bust line.

Snape shuddered in horror.

“Does anyone know where Severus went?” Voldemort half lisped and half slurred, sloshing a little bit of spiked punch on the floor.

A few ‘no, my Lords’ responded.


“Oh bother! Probably went to make another sissy*. He’s got a bladder the size of a mini crème puff.” Voldemort let out an exaggerated sigh.

“Are you ready for the Muggles yet, my Lord?” Peter Pettigrew asked.

Hidden in the darkness of the next room, Sirius and Remus looked at each other with narrowed eyes. Pettigrew! The two wizards began gesturing at each other, silently arguing over which of them would have the pleasure of dealing with their ex-friend. The improvised sign language debate began to grow heated as the two men started giving each other the two-fingered salute.

“Stop it!” Mad Eye mouthed at the two as Snape glared.


“Well I was hoping to wait until Severus returns. He turns such an amusing shade of green when Muggles are tortured.” Voldemort giggled.

In the next room, Snape’s knuckles cracked as he made a slow, angry fist.

“Tell me, Peter, what do we have for tonight’s entertainment?”

“My Lord will be very pleased. We abducted the entire Riverdance ensemble! Oh how I wish you could have heard the screams of terror and tapping as they tried to flee.”


“How delightful!” Voldemort squealed, clapping his satin gloved hands together in glee. “Fetch them in!”



“Joyfully, my Lord.” an anonymous Death Eater said.



“No no wait a minute. I want to put on some music first.” Voldemort pulled his wand from between his falsies only to drop it onto the floor. He clicked his tongue and tried to pick it up with oddly fumbling fingers. “Oopsie Daisy! I think I’m a wee bit tipsy!” he tittered. “Here, let me take these off.”



Voldemort’s giggling stopped as he yanked and pulled at the gloves futilely. “What the…?!”



“Now!” Snape commanded.



Mad Eye and Tonks burst first into the room firing both hexes and Noisy Cricket blasts at the nearest Death Eaters, sending them stunned and barreling into the air. Immediately after, the rest of the Order charged in, wands in one hand, Noisy Crickets in the other. Harry remained behind with Snape, J and K, waiting for his godfather to give him the signal to show himself.



Voldemort stood speechless as his loyal servants ran wildly about, spun through the air, and were hurled against walls. Some that escaped the first attack began to attempt escape while a few of the braver ones began hexing back. The sound of crickets and hexes filled the room and the smoke from singed robes provided olfactory accompaniment.



“What the bloody hell are those things?!” some of the fighting Death Eaters brayed as they attempted to fend off both magic and…something else.




“OW! Holy shite that hurts!” a Death Eater, who had just been hit in the foot by a Noisy Cricket blast, yowled. As he attempted to respond with a hex, another blast incinerated his wand.




“COOL IT, MATES! WE GIVE UP!” a few more Death Eaters yelled, throwing their hands in the air.



“Is this part of the show?” The Dark Lord asked, completely befuddled.



“Bugger!” Pettigrew groaned as Black and Lupin caught sight of him.



“WORMTAIL!” Sirius and Remus growled.



“Oh fuck me I’m going to enjoy this!” Sirius snarled and began running towards Peter.



“Remember, half of his arse is mine, Padfoot!” Remus called as he joined the pursuit.


“Save me, M’Lord!” Pettigrew squealed as he tried to escape as fast as his rotund body permitted.



Sirius and Remus darted off in separate directions to try and surround him. Peter let out another crazed screech as he narrowly avoided a Cricket blast from Tonks who began helping her boyfriend.


Little panicked mincing noises came from Voldemort as he began to furiously rip at the gloves which firmly resisted removal. Giving that up, Voldemort resumed trying to grasp his wand with his fumbling fingers.



Remus managed to corner Peter thanks to another blast of Tonks’ Noisy Cricket that forced Pettigrew to change his direction.


“Too late, Padfoot. I got him first!” he said as he lifted his wand.



With another squeak of terror, Peter transformed himself into his animagus form and darted between Remus’ legs.



“BOLLOCKS!”



“Spoke too soon, Mooney.” Sirius shouted before he himself transformed into his animagus form and gave chase, barking loudly.



“Peter! Quit mucking about and help me!” Voldemort called as he struggled to awkwardly grip his wand between flattened palms.




“Dogs?” J asked, growing impatient. “There’s dogs now? And how big are they?” remembering how the Order sprung Nagini on him.




Padfoot chased Wormtail towards the next room where Snape, J, K, and Harry were lurking.


A mangy fat rat darted into room and K raised his foot to squish the vermin.


“Don’t.” Snape said, holding one hand up to stay K’s foot.


A black dog bounded into the room and Snape flicked his wand at the squealing rat. Instantly Peter found himself human again and running on his hands and knees. Another flick from Snape, and animagus found himself bound and incapacitated on the ground. Padfoot then transformed himself back to Sirius.


“That’s just not right.” J said shaking his head.



“Thank the gods, Snape! Help me!”


“Quiet!” Snape growled brandishing his wand at a wild eyed Pettigrew.


“Fuuuc…dge.” Remus spat as he darted in a few moments later, stopping before uttering his original intended obscenity in Harry’s presence. He was disappointed that he and Sirius hadn’t got a chance to hex, or blast, Wormtail’s nasty arse.


The sounds of electric crickets and hexes grew louder in the battle room as Tonks peeked around the corner.


“We’ve got them on the run! Come on, Snookums!”


Snape held Sirius back while Remus ran back into the room.



“Dude! What are we waiting for?! Let’s take care of some business!” J pressed.



“The kid’s right. Time to finish this before it goes south in there.” K said.



“Not yet. Almost. Trust me on this.” Snape answered.



Snape joined K and J in peering around the corner in time to see Mad Eye conk one of the few remaining Death Eaters over the head with his walking stick. The rest of the Death Eaters were lined up against the walls, knees spread and hands behind their heads.



Voldemort had managed to get control somewhat of his wand, gripping it with his flattened palms like a seal.



“AVADA….OW!” Before finishing the killing curse, one of Voldemort’s own hands slapped him across the face; an extra surprise charm courtesy of Snape.



“Now, Black.” Snape motioned towards Harry.


“Tom-mee boyyyy!” Sirius called, walking into the room with an arm around Harry. “Somebody’s come to say hello!”



The snapping together of Voldemort’s arse cheeks was almost audible as he caught sight of Harry Potter.



“It can’t be! Harry?!” he hissed as he once again grappled with his wand.



“Go on, Harry! Snap his tether!” Sirius said.


For a moment it was all Harry could do to stand staring in disbelief. The wizard who had haunted him for years was standing at the other end of the room, in a gold strapless gown, and sporting a pair of falsies. Once again, Dumbledore had been less than frank when it came to describing the seedier aspects of Voldemort’s character.



“You’ve got to be joking!” Harry declared.



“Don’t come near me, Harry Potter!” Voldemort’s knees knocked together in fear upon presentation of his arch nemesis.



Harry shook his head at the true reality of the past few years of his fear then pulled his wand from out of his sleeve and jabbed it in Voldemort’s direction.

“Boo!”


The Dark Lord hopped up on his throne and began furiously stamping his feet and screeching in panic. Harry was reminded of the Tom and Jerry cartoon 50’s era housewife who would pound her red stilettoed feet on the kitchen table when she spied Jerry the Mouse. Voldemort’s shrieking was rather similar too, as was the way he lifted the hem of his gold gown.


“EEEEEEEEEE!”



Snape turned his head to K and J with a very unpleasant smile twisted on his lips.


“Now!”



Snape, K, and J swarmed into the room, past Harry and Sirius, and came to rest in a triangulated formation with Snape directly in front of Voldemort. The Dark Lord was too unsettled to notice the two dark suited Muggles.



“Severus! Where have you been you naughty monkey?! Do something! The boy is right behind you!”


Without answering, Snape, K, and J each cocked their Series Four De-Atomizers, and took aim.


“No.” Snape growled and tilted his head eye level to the weapon to center Voldemort in the crosshairs.



Voldemort then noticed K and J on either side of his erstwhile, supposed Death Eater and began to laugh, high pitched and insanely.



“Muggles?! Oh Sevy, you can’t be serious!”




“Listen up, Tinkerbell, it’s all over. Why don’t you drop that piece of kindling in your hands before you break a nail.” K said in his monotone, completely unaffected by being in the presence of the most evil wizard who ever lived.



“Yeah coz that ol’ broke down, tired ass drag ain’t gonna work for you now. Shit ‘Cuz, you look like a…MAN!” J taunted.


The Dark Lord let out a rather effeminate screech of indignation and clumsily jerked his wand in the air in desperation.

“GYPSY! GYPSY! GYPSY!”

“EXPELLIAMUS!” Harry shouted in the rear and Voldemort’s wand was ripped from the tenuous grasp he previously held it.


“Good show, Harry!” Sirius slapped his godson on the back.


Snape’s stomach twisted in dread as he realized what Voldemort had just done.


“SHITE! It’s ‘The Mermanator!’ Everyone take cover!” he shouted.


“The what?!” J asked.


“For fuck’s sake, run!” Snape hissed as Voldemort took to the air. The Dark Lord’s lower half became a jet of black smoke as he began to sing.


“I had a dream, a dream about you, baby.
It's gonna come true, baby.
They think that we're through, but baby…”


BOOM!

Even though wandless, Voldemort began destroying bits and pieces of masonry and stone floor with a pointed finger as the Order, Snape, J and K began running for cover. Sirius ran to Harry and carried him to safety.


“You'll be swell!”



BOOM!



“You’ll be great!”



CRASH!



A large stone wall crumbled into a generous pile of rubble and everyone dove for cover behind it.




“What the hell is that?!” J asked, yanking off his Ray-Bans. Beyond the rubble Voldemort continued to cackle and fly about randomly, singing.



“Gonna have the whole world on a plate!”


BOOM!



“Ethel Merman, J.” Remus offered. “Voldemort adores this tune.”



“Yes and he only sings it when he’s in the deepest depths of madness.” Snape added.



K began to chuckle. “The Merman-ator. That’s a good one, Snape!”




“We gotta take this sick puppy out.” J said.



“Starting here, starting now…”




SMASH!




“That is the idea.” Snape drawled.



“Honey, everything’s coming up ro-ses!”



At the mention of that particular flower, Snape turned towards J and K, his face twisted in disgust.



“I hate roses. His arse is mine!” he growled and readied his weapon.



“Then play that funky music, white boy!” J quipped, also readying himself for another attack.



With a nod from Snape, the three men jumped over the rubble heap and begun fanning out, taking pot shots at Voldemort as he darted to and fro in the air.


“Sucker’s fast” K said, almost appreciatively.



Order members held their breath as Voldemort pointed his finger towards K and sent a wandless hex at his head. K calmly tilted his head to the side as if Voldemort had merely flicked a peanut at him.



“You missed, sugar plum.” he taunted.


With another enraged shriek, Voldemort circled wildly, preparing for another blast. J and Snape kept their heads down as they moved to the opposite sides of the room to catch him in a crossfire.



“FIRE!” Snape shouted.



The resulting blast only nicked Voldemort but it was sufficient to send him hurtling down to the ground in a tailspin. As he stood up rattled and shaken, Snape, J, and K formed a semi-circle around him, weapons trained. The Dark Lord was beyond gobsmacked as he looked at his former servant who glared back at him murderously.



“By the way, Tom, I lied. Your arse does look fat and your taste in fashion is appalling.”



A collective gasp arose from the Death Eaters kneeling against the far wall.



“You…bitch!” Voldemort screamed as he lunged.


Snape smirked viciously and pulled the trigger. A moment later, the Dark Lord was nothing but a quickly extinguished flash of plasma.



A long silence hung in the air then was broken as an explosive roar of joy erupted from the Order who poked their heads up over the rubble.


“We’re as good as kissed, mates.” a shaken Death Eater mewled.


Sirius Black and Harry burst into the room followed by nearly all the Ministry’s Aurors. As the Aurors swarmed the huddled Death Eaters, Sirius and Harry joined in the shouting, hugging, and jumping for joy. Snape, K, and J didn’t notice Nagini slither out from behind another pile of rubble. Before he could react, Nagini slithered up J’s legs and proceeded to wrap herself around him.



“K! K!” he shouted as he frantically tried to wheedle out from the huge constrictor’s grip. “Dammit, it’s ALWAYS the black guy! K!”


“I’d forgotten about her.” Snape said watching J roll about with Nagini on the ground.


“Need some help there, Slick?” K asked.



“Naw K, what ever made you think that?!” J grunted as he stretched his arm towards a Noisy Cricket someone had dropped on the ground.



“Perhaps we should help.” Snape said insouciantly.


“Oh he’s fine. Does this all the time.”



Just as J grabbed hold of the Cricket and aimed, Nagini hissed desperately. Harry suddenly whipped around.



“Wait, Sir! Don’t kill her!”



“Say what?!” J barked as Nagini continued to hiss. Harry listened intently for a few moments.



“She says, ‘Thank Medusa, I’m free!’ and ‘Get me out of here!’ and uh…”



“’And uh’ what?!”



“She thinks you’re cute.” Harry blushed.




“Damn! Why I gotta be so good looking?” J panted as Nagini finally released him and slithered into the open and surrendered.



Snape and K pulled a frazzled J off the floor and walked him over to where the Order stood waiting.


“I trust you can handle it from here.” Snape said to the Aurors who were busy shackling their prisoners.



With that, the group diapparated back to Grimmauld Place to tell the Old Man the happy news.



~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: * "Make a sissy" is borrowed from Showtime's cable series 'Dead Like Me.' It means to urinate.

One more chappie to go!