Jaded

For Summery, warnings, spoilers and disclaimers see chapter one.


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Chapter Nine: He said what?!

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Harry was angry, furiously angry and worried sick. It was Friday night but instead of chilling out with his mates in the common room drinking butterbeer and playing cards he was pacing the length of the dorm room like a caged animal, furiously angry and worried sick- and all that because of three little words.

It all started that very same afternoon. Harry and Remus skipped dinner in favour of the Room of Requirements. Remus, who was never a big eater often missed meals in the days prior to the full moon and Harry claimed he was off for a walk around the lake.

Their coupling that afternoon was frantic, both boys were feeling the effects of the nearing moon, in fact Harry could have sworn that he could see the wolf behind Remus' golden eyes. He reached back to grab hold of the headboard and tightened his legs around Remus' waist, riding the hard and heavy thrusts as best as he could.

When Remus collapsed on top of him, Harry cradled his head close, feeling the erratic heartbeat pulsing against his stomach. Their bodies glistened with sweat, chests heaving trying to regain normality of breathing after descending from the heights of sex. Harry felt peaceful, serene even. He placed a soft kiss on the crown of Remus' head, and the latter lifted his heavy head and smiled at his lover.

They kissed leisurely for a while; now that the mad rush for orgasm was over they could enjoy a couple of quiet minutes before Remus would have to go to the infirmary to be escorted for his transformation. Harry knew it would be a long, sleepless night for him- he just hoped that Lily would be there with him.

“Will you come to visit me tomorrow morning?” Remus asked while his fingers were tracing over and around Harry’s naval piercing. It was amazing how attached Remus had become to the little golden hoop in such a short time.

“Would you like me to?”

“Yes, but only if you bring a bacon sandwich with you.” Harry chuckled and continued to run his fingers through the tawny hair. He wished they could stay like this forever, or at the very least until tomorrow. He didn’t want to let go and send Remus to the cold and dirty shack to be transformed all alone, but he didn’t have a choice.

“Of course.” He sighed. Life really wasn’t fair if all he could offer his love was a bacon sandwich.

"I guess we should get a move on." Remus muttered but burrowed deeper into Harry's arms all the same. Harry tightened his hold around the supple body and refused to let go,

“Just a couple more minutes…” He pleaded and Remus didn’t have the strength or the will to deny him. And so the lay there together both listening to the other breathing and trying to delay the moment of departure as much as they possibly could.

Harry looked down at the head on his chest, and his heart swelled with the love he felt for the other teen. For so long he yearned for that man and finally Remus was his, even if it was a younger, less… complete version of him. During his short time in 1977 Harry realised that Remus hasn’t really changed during the years, all of the elements in his personality that Harry loved so much were already there, only less defined and also there was a distinct lack of burden. Just like the young Sirius was still carefree and happy so was Remus- before he was forced to deal with his friends’ death and imprisonment. Harry bent his head and planted another soft kiss on Remus’ head, murmuring to himself,

“I love you.”

Remus froze when he heard those words. His insides were squirming with an array of emotions and none of them was even close to the one Harry just expressed. Remus rose from his position and stared at Harry incredulously,

“What did you say?” Harry blinked in confusion, not following with his partner’s abrupt change of pace.

“Remus, what’s wrong?” Harry knew full well what ticked Remus off (because it was clearly not bacon sandwiches!) but he refused to back from his statement, and he also refused to give Remus the satisfaction of seeing how much his harsh attitude hurt Harry.

“No, no, nonononononononono NO WAY!” Remus jumped off the bed and started to gather his clothes that were tossed all over the floor, murmuring to himself and shaking his head, “Love is not part of the deal; this is about sex, about having fun!” He cried at Harry accusingly and Harry sat up in the bed and gaped at Remus in shock. When Remus finished putting on his trousers he practically fled the room leaving the perplexed and wounded Harry behind.

Harry breathed hard, trying to fight back tears. It was true that he and Remus never talked about love before, never made each other promises, but still there was no call for this kind of behaviour! He sank back to the bed and rolled over to burry his face in the pillow, biting it hard to keep hold of his pain.

And now he was in his room, the moon was about to rise any moment now, and Harry was angry. He was angry that Remus treated his declaration of love so callously, for leaving without letting Harry explain but most of all he was angry at himself. Remus never made him any promise, in fact, he even tried to dodge any responsibility for something that was more than sex, but Harry, being the smitten sod that he was simply overruled this and decided that the fact that Remus was rejecting offers from former tricks meant that he wanted to be solely with Harry. He was a fool, and now he may have very well lost Remus.

When the rest of the marauders came into the room to prepare themselves for the night Harry glared at them all, wanting nothing more than to go out there and beat some sense into his stubborn lover’s head. For a mad second he hated the marauders, for their uncomplicated lives that consisted mostly of running about in the bloody forest, no worries whatsoever, while he was forced to stay behind and deal with all this. Sirius made the mistake of trying to joke with Harry and found that when the mood took over, Harry was just as bad as Lily when she was upset. As soon as the rest left Harry made his way to the common room and sank into one of the sofas, bringing his knees close to his chest and pressing his forehead to them, feeling utterly miserable.

“Hey there, fancy meeting you here on this night of all nights.” Harry suppressed a groan at the sound of his mother’s cheery voice. A part of him was glad that Lily was there but most of him just wanted to be left alone. Unfortunately, Lily wasn’t one to take subtle hints when she didn’t felt like it and she sank into the sofa next to him. Harry raised his head wearily,

“What do you want?” He growled and Lily gave him a hard stare,

“This is no way to talk to your mother, young man.” She scolded him mockingly and Harry buried his head in his arms once more. Lily placed a warm hand on his elbow, “What’s wrong, Jaime, talk to me, please. Is it Remus?” Harry rolled his eyes, though Lily could not see his face, it was just amazing how his mother could hit the mark each and every time! “Come on; tell me what’s going on with the cutest couple in Hogwarts…” She coaxed Harry,

“We’re not cute!” Harry protested loudly and Lily grinned shamelessly at him, “And we’re not a couple.”

“What? Why? You looked just fine the other day, completely in love with each other, practically undressing each other in the Great Hall…” She trailed uneasily when she saw the shine of tears take over Harry’s eyes. She bit her lip and waited for Harry to come up with an explanation since everything she said so far only seemed to aggravate the poor boy further.

“He doesn’t love me; he just wants me for sex.” Harry said tightly, refusing to let himself break even if it was in front of his mother. Lily looked at him, and did the only thing she could think of- she pulled the distress teen into her arms and hugged him tight. Harry let her envelope him with compassion and love, feeling the tears retreating instead of flowing as he feared. Never one to react well to affection he nonetheless sought it with every turn, trying make up for a loveless childhood. Without ever meaning to Harry found himself telling Lily all about the ‘I-love-you’ fiasco.

“What?! That bloody sod! I’m going to kill him! No, I’m going to hex his balls into oblivion!” She cried out, smacking her fist in her other hand, Harry watched fascinated, and as much as he loved the fact that Lily would hurt Remus on his behalf there was still something that stopped him from letting her loose on him,

“Please don’t, I kinda like his balls.” He said with a small voice which made Lily stare at him for a full moment before she cracked and covered her mouth trying to hold the waves of laughter. One look at his mother’s sparkling eyes and Harry lost it as well. Together they fell to the sofa, rolling and laughing like mad. It felt good to be able to laugh, even if he didn’t solve anything. When they finally calmed down they settled comfortably on the sofa again,

“You really love him, don’t you?” Harry nodded,

“I’m not good with casual affairs. I need stability.” He muttered. Lily gave him a long look, shaking her head sadly,

“It’s our fault, isn’t it?” Harry lifted his eyebrows questioningly, “James and mine. I mean look at us, sniffing around each other’s butts like bloody puppies since we were eleven. What hope is there for you? I’m amazed that you didn’t find your “True Love”,” She said with a roll of her eyes and air quotes, “When you were twelve!” Harry bit his lip and tried to hide a smile. As a matter of fact he had found his “True Love” at the age of thirteen only he didn’t know that at the time and there was this little matter of twenty years age gap and best friends with dead parents issue, not to mention Remus’ biggest objection (or at least what Harry thought would be Remus’ biggest objection) the whole student-teacher thing.

Lily watched the way Harry’s face softened when she spoke of true love and suddenly it dawned on her,

“Merlin in stilettos and a garter,” She breathed, borrowing one of Sirius’ favourite phrases, “Tell me I did not raise you to fancy older men!” Harry gave her a curious, slightly frightened side glance, “You fancied Remus before you came here!” She cried and punched Harry’s arm, and he cringed, gods be damned this woman would have made Sherlock Holms cream his pants!

“Ouch! Lily, stop hitting me!” He cried and scooted to the other side of the sofa, away from his mother’s fists of steel. “So what if I fancy him? He’s dead gorgeous! Besides, you said you’d be happy for me no matter what!”

“Yes, but that was before I knew you’re in love with a dysfunctional werewolf twenty years your senior!” Lily cried back, and Harry once again crawled into a ball of misery, his usual reaction when faced with confrontation.

“I can’t help it,” He whispered, “I’ve always loved him.” Lily sighed and scooted closer to her son, wrapping her arms around him,

“I know, I’m just… I don’t know, I guess I’m still confused with the whole ‘I have a son who’s my age and I’m still a virgin’ thing.” At that Harry groaned and clamped his hands over his ears, of for the love of Merlin, he did not need to know his mother’s sexual state! Lily smiled, rather smugly, things were back to the way they should, from some reason taunting Jaime was much more fun than taunting anyone else.

“Jaime, Jaime, relax, I’m not going to give you the sex talk, at least not tonight.” She said cheerfully, “Besides, I bet you could give me a few tips, right?” She nudged his side and Harry groaned again, feverishly wishing the sofa would eat him up. “One thing though, please, please, please tell me I had a bit more imagination than to name you Jaime!” Harry chuckled and lifted his head, names, that was cool, safe…

“No, you didn’t name me Jaime.” He assured her and Lily smiled in relief.

“Good, because that would have been daft of me. So… what did I name you?” Harry gave her a smile and shook his head, and Lily frowned, “Oh, well, it was a long-shot…” She shrugged and then tossed her hair behind her shoulder looking at Harry more intently, “Hmm, you look like a Thomas, are you a Thomas?”

Harry chuckled again, warming up into the game, “Nope, not Thomas.” Lily tapped her finger on her chin, and Harry just knew it was going to be horrible,

“How about Jeffrey, I always liked that name, it’s very British, Jeffrey.” She nearly chanted the name and Harry pulled a face, thank gods he wasn’t named Jeffrey… “Hmm, not Jeffrey than… How about… Stuart? Justin? Nathan… Nathan is a good name… Brian?” Harry kept pulling faces at each name, not that he really minded to be named Brian or Nathan, but he knew Lily was having loads of fun and he was quite reluctant to stop her. Some corner of his brain kept whispering to him that he should seize every opportunity to bond with his parents because thanks to snake-face-sodding-bastard he would never get another chance for that. Besides, as long as Lily was stuck on names there was less chance she’d ask him embarrassing questions about his relationship with Remus…

“Isidore!”

“WHAT?”

“Yes!” Lily cried triumphantly, her green eyes sparkling at the horror-struck face of Harry, “Yes, Isidore! It’s a brilliant name! Isidore Potter, I can see it already…” She added dreamily and Harry nearly gagged,

“I’d be bitten into a bloody pulp the second I enter kinder garden!”

“Oh, shush, don’t be such a drama queen!” Lily waived her hand dismissively and Harry slumped back against the sofa, “I’m going to have to tell James…”

“He’s going to run to another country the minute you tell him you want to name your baby Isidore.” Harry snarled, even though he knew that his name would not be Isidore it was still scary to think that his mother could actually come up with such atrocity.

“Oh, you think your father is better?” Lily said with a wounded tone, “He named his pet kneazle Pooky!”

“What’s wrong with that?” Harry demanded,

“You should have seen that beast, there was nothing ‘Pooky’ about it! It’s the meanest, ugliest most vile kneazle you ever lay your eyes on. All ginger fur and bendy legs! The thing looked like he ran into a brick wall! You know what I mean?” Harry smiled when the image of Hermione’s cat, Crookshanks flashed in his mind,

“I think I may have met one of his descendants.” He said rather gravely and Lily smiled.

“So, Isidore…” Before she could utter another word Harry jumped her and pressed his hand against her mouth. Lily’s face went red almost instantly from laughter and Harry had to bite his lip so he would not join her, which would inevitably encourage her. After a short scuffle both of them found themselves on the plush carpet.

“We should get some sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow, all this brooding and ignoring…” Lily said as she reached to help Harry to his feet.

“I really hate fighting with him, and over such a stupid thing no less.” Lily grabbed his forearms and looked deep into his eyes,

“Don’t you go easy on him, you hear me? You did nothing wrong! If anyone should brood and feel bad it’s Remus not you!” Harry nodded tightly, recognizing the fire in his mother’s eyes, the one that would harm Remus, and leave him balls-less. He sat on the sofa and pulled Lily to him, both snuggling to find a comfortable position and catch a few hours sleep before the rest of the marauders come to wake them.

(Mini A/N: Do you think there’s “Queer as Folk” in heaven? There would be in mine…)


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Remus kept his eyes shot for as long as he could, not wanting to face the world. This was by far the worst moon he ever experienced since he was bitten. The memory of Jaime’s face when he fled the room haunted him with every turn and he couldn’t shake it off, not in his human form and not in his wolf form. He acted like a complete fool, oh what a coward he had been. He should have stayed and listen, instead he ran.

Remus realized he made the biggest mistake ever, hurting the one person that wanted him despite of everything, the one person that cared enough about him, hell even loved him. If he was truly honest with himself Remus knew that what Jaime had to offer was exactly what he needed and wanted all his life- but years of hiding his nature and denying himself his deepest wants had left him thoroughly unprepared to face the music when Jaime said ‘I love you’.

And now Jaime was mad, and with a very good reason to be mad and Remus knew it was over, he completely and utterly blew it and there was nothing for it. The fact that he couldn’t feel and smell the presence of his lover anywhere near, even though Jaime promised to drop by only confirmed his fear. Remus slowly opened his eyes, which were stinging with unshed tears and looked about him. His bed looked just as white and sterile as it always did, the chair next to it still positioned facing forward and untouched. Only last month Jaime was sitting there, looking lost and confused, staring at his hands on the sheets. But there was no one there today, just like there wasn’t anyone there before Jaime turned up. His gaze swept to the little table next to his bed and his breath caught in his chest- there on a white paper napkin sat almost innocently a bacon sandwich.

Remus felt the tears sliding down his face, both with sorrow and gratitude. So Jaime did stop by and brought him a sandwich, just like he had promised, even after the way Remus treated him last night. Remus knew exactly what the gesture meant- he had one last chance to prove himself and he had better not fuck it up because he was not going to get another.

“I will not screw this, Jaime, I promise.” He whispered softly to the sandwich.