Markings of an Inmate

Chapter Nine: She is my Strength

My walk back with Astoria was peaceful. We talked about our classes and her summer holidays.

I asked her if that she was interested in anyone special, and all she could do was blush. “Come on, A,” I begged. “Who’s the guy?”

“You’ll laugh,” she declared.

I held my hand to my heart, “I promise, I won’t.”

“Liam,” she answered with a shy smile.

My mouth dropped open at her admission. “Liam, as in my cousin, Liam?” I was astonished.

“I knew you were going to do this,” she moaned in embarrassment.

“No, I just thought you hated each other.” I placed a comforting hand on her shoulder as we stopped in the Entrance Hall.

“I thought you and Granger hated each other,” she smiled and hugged me before making her way to the dungeons.

I smiled and shook my head, still in disbelief, before making my way to the HCR on the third floor. I walked into the common room to find it empty. Perplexed, I kicked off my trainers and walked into the kitchen in socked feet. It was strangely quiet and there wasn’t a note from Mi, so she was probably still here – somewhere.

Walking up the stairs, I peeked into my room and didn’t see her in there. I made my way to her room and opened the door to see her standing in front of the windows.

She seemed to be deep in thought. I walked over to her slowly and wrapped my arms around her waist to draw her close. “A Knut for your thoughts, love?”

She shook and broke away from me, putting a few meters of distance between us. “You ask me to not shut you out, and then you turn around and do the same to me. Draco, it can’t be one-sided.”

I stared at her with complete confusion. “What are you going on about?”

She let out a frustrated sigh and threw her hands into the air. “Today, at lunch, at the Three Broomsticks, Draco!”

My jaw tightened as I remembered what could be bothering her – my reactions to when my mother’s name had been brought up. “I don’t want to talk about it, and I won’t,” I shrugged, remaining very still while trying to keep my emotions guarded.

“See, you’re doing it again!”

“Leave off, Hermione. I’m not ready to talk about it, okay? Can you just let it be?” I wasn’t used to someone challenging me; it was annoyingly comforting, but mostly just annoying.

“No, I can’t.” She folded her arms over her chest.

“Well, I’m not going to talk about. End of discussion!”

Tears had begun to form in her eyes and her lip began to quiver. I turned, gave her my back so I wouldn’t see them.

“I told you about Ron when I wasn’t ready,”

Whipping around to face her, my voice held my anger clearly. “I never forced it out of you, Hermione. You must have been ready or you wouldn’t have told me,” I saw tears run down her face, but the fury coursing through me was overpowering any rational thoughts.

“I told you because I trusted you, Draco. It didn’t matter if I was ready or not, I knew you would be strong for me.”

“I’m telling you to leave off. I am not going to argue with you about this and it’s not open to discussion,” I said huffily before walking through the bathroom and slamming my door shut so it reverberated throughout the entire common room.

Collapsing on my bed with a heavy sigh, I groaned. I hated fighting with her, and seeing her tears made my chest ache, but she needed to accept that I wasn’t ready to talk about the situation.

Stripping off my clothes, I slipped into a pair of black cotton sleep pants. I knew it was early but I was exhausted, not just from the lack of sleep last night, but the stress about tomorrow, and the arguing from today. I was physically and emotionally drained.

I slipped under the sheets and comforter, before muttering a silencing charm on my room. I knew if she wasn’t sleeping beside me, the nightmares would come – meaning the screams would, too.

Resting my head against the pillows, I allowed myself to be pulled into sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable again.

Fuck, I missed Mi being in my arms. The nightmares had woken me up earlier. Now, I couldn’t get back to sleep because I missed the feel of her in my arms. I looked at the clock; it read one in the morning.

Pushing back the cover, I padded barefooted into the bathroom to run cold water over my face. I shut the water off and leaned against the cool marble looking at my reflection in the mirror. That’s when I heard it, her muffled cries. Gods, knowing it was I who caused those tears made my heart ache.

I walked over to her door and placed a hand softly against the wood in a blind attempt to reach out to her. I knew we were both being stubborn and it seemed so pointless now. The ache in my chest grew as I heard her cry.

Tentatively, I reached for the handle and, gratefully, found it unlocked. I walked slowly and quietly over to her bed. She was facing away from me, clutching one of the pillows tightly to her chest. I slipped under the sheets and wrapped my arms around her. She stiffened and her breath caught in her throat before she relaxed and laced her fingers tightly with mine as she continued to cry.

“Shh,” I cooed into her ear.

I knew we weren’t going to apologize for our words or behaviors earlier, but right now we didn’t need too. We just needed each other.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I hated this hospital. It felt so impersonal and cold, white sterile walls and cold floors, and the intense smell of cleaning spells and products. Blaise and I sat on the tan leather of a waiting bench in the reception area as we waited for the Healer’s assistant to come back. In front of us was a vase of long-stemmed white roses that I had brought for her – white roses were Mum’s favorite.

Blaise thumbed through last month’s edition of Quidditch Weekly, and I counted the ceiling tiles.

67 . . . 68 . . . 69 . . .

“Mr. Malfoy, your mother is able to see you now.”

I stood quickly and picked up the vase as Blaise and I followed the woman down the hall to Room 467, where my mother was waiting. I knocked gently and walked in with a small smile on my face. Setting the roses beside her, I kissed her cheek, gently.

“Lucius?” Her voice was soft and quiet but I could hear the tone of hope. I nearly choked on the lump forming in my throat.

“No,” I cleared my voice of emotion. “No, Mum, it’s me, Draco,” I said gently as I sat down and took her small hand in mine.

“Oh Draco! My dear, dear boy. I’ve missed you so.” She ran a hand down the side of my face tenderly. I leaned into her touch and smiled.

“I know Mum. I’ve missed you too.” I bit my bottom lip to keep my voice from shaking. “Blaise is here, too, Mum.” I moved slightly so she could see him.

“Oh, my dear! Blaise, you are looking like your father more and more.” She was smiling joyously.

I could see he was also keeping his emotions in control. “Thank you, Cissa.” He came over and kissed her cheek.

She was still a beautiful sight, even as this place sucked away her warm glow and sweet smile. Her straight blonde hair fell free down her shoulders, ending at her waist. Her blue eyes shined bright and happy. I smiled a doleful smile at her. She looked so innocent.

“Would you like some tea? I am sure I can have one of the house elves bring some to the library.”

I knew I was losing her when she moved to stand and become the perfect hostess that she was known for. I placed a gentle hand on her shoulder ceasing her movements and motioned for Blaise to go and he nodded.

“I would love to stay, Cissa, but I have to return to school.”

She smiled but I could see the disappointment and confusion start to cloud her eyes. “Oh, it’s all right Blaise. I understand, school is very important.” She waved as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

“Draco, I feel so lost.” I watched her smile falter and her hands drop to her lap. She looked up at me with clouded eyes.

I smiled sadly “I know mum, it will be fine.” I squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“Tell me, what have I missed?” She smiled brightly, in an attempt to cover her confusion.

“I’m Head Boy,” she gasped and smile.

“I am so proud of you! Just like your father, I bet you made Quidditch Captain, as well, didn’t you?” She ran a hand through my hair.

“Yes ma’am.” I breathed and relaxed as she continued to play with my hair. “I’m with someone, too.”

“Astoria?” she asked. She twitched slightly, resulting in her ineptly rubbing her cheek with her shoulder.

“No, someone else,” I replied. I wasn’t ashamed of Mi, but I wasn’t sure if now was the right time to tell Mum about our relationship.

Mother paused and arched a perfect eyebrow. “Draco, you shouldn’t lead the poor girl on, you are in a binding contract with another,” she scolded kindly.

“I am having the contract between Astoria and I dissolved, Mum. I am not going to marry her,” I answered quietly. I looked up to see her eyes glazed over as she stared into the distance barely listening to me.

“Now Draco, you know only your father has that authority, stop speaking of such nonsense.” She smoothed down my hair that she had mussed.

“Moth . . .” I didn’t get a chance to say anything else.

She placed a soft finger to my lips, silencing me and patting her lap. Sighing, I scooted closer to her bed and rested my head where she told me. She rested her hands on my shoulders and hummed the lullaby I loved as a boy. I spent the time mulling over everything that had happened this year.

First with Azkaban, I had been placed in a detention program, fighting the entire time until they broke me. Until they abused their power and sought revenge on my family by implanting one of my father’s crimes into my mind, forcing me to relive the young girl’s screams over and over again.

Next was Mi, she was so broken on the train. Seeing the fire in her eyes burned out, I knew something terrible had happened to her to make her so . . . fragile. Now, I was in a relationship with her. The girl who used to be the bane of my existence was the only thing that made my life bearable. I still couldn’t believe it.

Blaise, Theo, Daphne, Pansy, and I were friends with Potter, Red, and Hermione. We actually enjoyed each other’s company. Merlin was sure to be released from his eternal tomb.

My father was an empty husk and rotting away in Azkaban, and my mother was confined to a room in St. Mungo’s Mental Ward.

I couldn’t believe all of this had happened in the course of a year.

“I love you, my dragon.” I heard her say softly before I felt her stiffen. I pulled back hesitantly, watching the emotions in her eyes carefully. Fear and confusion marred the perfect blue pools. She had recoiled away quickly, retracting further from me and deeper into her bed.

“Who are you?” Her voice shook with fear. She had positioned herself into another awkward position: right hand holding her left arm tightly as her right arm was held close to her chest.

“Mum, it’s me Draco, your son,” I pleaded. I wasn’t ready to let go of her yet.

“I don’t have a son.” Panic taking root in her voice. “Who are you and what are you doing in my rooms?”

My heart broke. “Mum, please,” I tried again.

“Where am I?” Her voice was broken and soft. “I want to go home. Can I go home?”

I reached out for her, but she slapped my hand away.

“HELP!” she screamed, “HELP, SOMEONE!”

I leapt away from the bed and huddled in the far corner as Healers came in with a vial full of Dreamless Draught. From my spot, I watched her thrash against the Healer’s hold.

“Calm down, Mrs. Malfoy. Everything will be alright,” one said in a deep, comforting tone.

Once they were able to give her the potion, she calmed down considerably before her eyes fluttered close. I continued to watch as she drifted off into a peaceful, potion-induced sleep.

The Healer with the comforting tone turned to me, a weak smile on his face. “She did better than normal, Mr. Malfoy. She’s usually not coherent this length of time. Perhaps, if you can make more visits, it will help us in her healing process.”

I nodded numbly before walking away, down the hall to where Blaise sat in the waiting room. “Mate, what happened?”

I remained stonily silent. I knew he was worried, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

They were gone, they both were gone.

We apparated back to Hogwarts and walked up the path in silence. He tried over and over again to get me to talk but I refused, by the time we reached the school I think he had given up. I stopped suddenly, looking toward the stormy sky then to the Quidditch Pitch.

“Go,” I said as he stopped and waited, my voice held no emotion. “I need to work this out on my own, mate,” I said in the same monotonous voice.

“All right,” he said gently. “I’m here whenever you need me.”

I nodded before heading down the path to the pitch, without sparing him a second glance.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I didn’t know how long I had been out here. All I knew was that my hands and shoulders hurt, my knuckles were split open, bleeding, and a couple probably shattered. I could feel the hot tears stream down my face, not from the pain, but from the loss . . . no, from accepting the loss.

The reality was they had been gone long before now.

I threw another punch into the thick wooden support beam and gritted my teeth as my hand, arm and shoulder screamed in protest.

They were gone.

I was soaked and bleeding, and there was a storm raging over me. I felt so lost and hurt; I didn’t know what to do. I leaned heavily against the wooden beam before sliding down onto the wet ground, wrapping my arms around my knees and allowing myself to break down.

“Draco,” Mi’s gentle voice cut through the haze of pain and despair.

I looked up and saw muddy trainers, dark denim jeans, and a skintight white cotton shirt that clung to the very feminine, very Mi body. Looking at her closely, I noticed her normally curly hair plastered to her skull and face from the rain. Fat drops of water fell from the thick strands, her whiskey colored eyes full of confusion.

I could also clearly see concern etched across her face. Suddenly, my lips were trembling as I tried to hold back the emotions that were overwhelming me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be strong anymore, not about this. I brought my hands to my face, in an attempt to hide the tears. I didn’t want her to see me as weak, because that was not who I was. I wasn’t weak! I wasn’t!

I felt her small, warm hand pull mine away. And as she wiped away the tears coursing down my cheeks, I knew then I didn’t have to be strong, that she would be my strength. Abruptly, I pulled her to me and buried my face in her shoulder, holding her tightly.

I let the pain out.

“Shh.” She soothed my hair, it felt like a balm on my soul. “Draco, tell me what’s going on.”

“They’re gone,” I mumbled over and over again, holding her tighter suddenly afraid she would disappear.

“Draco, I don’t understand.” She held me just as tightly.

“She's insane, she doesn't know who I am, much less herself. And he's rotting away. They are gone." I breathed in, shuddering, and she stilled in understanding.

“Oh, Draco,” she whispered gently and held me. We stayed that way, just holding each other for a long time, before she pushed away from me only slightly.

“I’m sorry, Draco. I shouldn’t have pushed like I did yesterday. I am so sorry.” She leaned in and kissed me. It was gentle, at first, but then her kisses became more insistent until she caught my mouth in a hungry kiss that expressed everything.

I tried to understand the meaning behind the kiss. I knew it was to show that she was there for me, but what I wanted to understand were the emotions behind the kiss. I wasn’t foolish enough to believe that she loved me; she was still far too broken. I settled for acceptance and compassion.

Kissing her back with the same ferocity, I tried to express my need for her. My need for her to be there with me, to hold me, to be my anchor.

She was there, just as she said she would be. She was holding me, when I needed it.

She was my strength.

~~~~~~
Edited: Feb. 27, 2010
AN: Betas Margarita & Sam!