Bad Moon Rising

Chapter 9: Knowing







If I\'m not in love with you……What is this I\'m going through……..

Tonight…….And if my heart is lying then…….What should I believe in………..Why do I go crazy………Every time I think about you, baby………Why else do I want you like I do……..If I\'m not in love with you













It was late when Hermione finally returned to the house. She had gone straight to the burrow, straight to Ginny but she hadn’t been able to tell her what was happening. Ginny of course knew all about Hermione’s feelings for Remus, they had talked about it often enough over the years, but she just couldn’t bring herself to confess what had been happening at Grimmuald place.







She wasn’t sure what she felt about being ‘mated’ to Remus. It was a foreign concept to her. Sure, in general wizards and witches married for life, but that was usually after a long courtship, she had been mated to a man after one night. It wasn’t that she doubted how she felt for him, there wasn’t any doubt that she loved him, but he obviously didn’t think she knew her own heart and that frustrated her.







After spending most of the day with the Weasleys she headed to Hogwarts and Headmaster Snape. She had been his ‘nurse’ of sorts after the war. She had sat at his bedside and tended to him for weeks and slowly they had become friends of a sort, though he would never admit to anyone that he enjoyed her company.







He had been more than a little shocked when she revealed what was happening with her. He had some inkling that she had feelings for Remus but didn’t realize they had run so deep. Nor had he thought ‘the ponce had it in him’. He was of course worried for her and told her in no uncertain terms that she was to come to him if she ever needed help. She stayed for dinner, chatting with her old professors and making use of the library to research werewolf mating. She learned so much more than she had expected, so much that would change their lives forever. Finally when the curfew bell rang Severus walked her to the edge of the grounds so she could apparate home, embracing her before she left.







She was barely through the door when she heard his voice from the darkness.







“Where have you been?” he asked, his voice eerily quiet. She flipped on the kitchen light and saw him sitting in the same spot where she left him, wondering if he had been there all day.







“I told you where I was going. I went to the burrow then to the school.” She said, hanging her coat on the peg by the door and toeing off her trainers. “Why are you sitting here in the dark?”







“I was waiting for you to come home. We still need to talk.” He lifted his face and sniffed the air, his eyes narrowing. “You have Snape all over you.”







“No, I have his scent on me, big difference. I was sitting with him while he was brewing, he always smells like smoke and herbs because of it so its only logical that I would smell like them too after sitting there for so long.” She rolled her eyes and reached into the icebox for a bottle of water.







“He touched you.” Remus said, trying to control his reaction. “I can tell the difference, Hermione.”







“He hugged me when I left, as he always does. You know what, you are going to be snarling and growling at me all the time if you don’t learn to control your reactions. Most of my friends are men, Remus, I’m not changing that for you.” She pulled out a chair to his left and settled into it.







“I can’t help it. It’s instinctual and it’s new and your acceptance is still uncertain…I don’t know how to control it.” He looked ashamed and she felt bad for him.











“I talked to Severus, he helped me find resources about this…mating…to help me understand it better.” She said softly. “It’s done, Remus. There is no undoing it. It works in our favor that I have feelings for you, strong feelings as it were….”







“You’re too young to know…”







“Stop, don’t trivialize my feelings or my ability to understand them. I know what I feel. Now, the question is how do you feel about me…aside from the mating?” Her stomach ached as she asked the question because the answer had the potential to hurt her.







“What I feel doesn’t matter, I refuse to ruin your life, Hermione. Which is why I am planning to leave….”







“What?” Remus was shocked, she had a rather potent growl of her own when she was riled.







“Calm down. If you think about things you will see that this is the best thing for you.” He hated the thought of leaving his mate unprotected, but he would put her best interests ahead of his own. He got up from the table and walked to the kitchen window, his hands braced on the sink as he stared out. “If I go far enough away you can live a normal life.”







“Is that what you think? What about you? Do you honestly believe that you are going to be able to handle being away from your mate? You will be running back here within a week and I will find myself shoved up against the nearest wall.” She shook her head, irritated and scared that he might actually leave.







“One more reason I should stay away from you. I have forced myself on you twice and neither time did I consider your comfort.” He hung his head and exhaled long and loud.







“I wasn’t exactly protesting.” He felt her hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t heard her get up from the table. “Remus you can’t leave.” She said softly.







“I have to. You deserve better than me, you think you love me, Hermione, but it’s only because I was your first….as unromantic as it was.” He laid his hand on top of hers, intending to push it away but instead he wrapped his fingers around hers and squeezed.







“Remus, I loved you before we had sex. I have loved you for the last three years. It’s why I didn’t push you away that night. You can’t tease me with what I want then leave me. Besides, I can’t do this by myself.” She said quietly.







“Do what by yourself?” He was confused. She took his hand and laid it against her belly.







“Severus helped me find more information on the black moon. It seems that when you take your mate on that night….well, you create a child.” She felt his fingers curl into her belly. “Severus had Poppy give me the tests…its positive, Remus.”







“Oh Jesus, Hermione, oh god…I am…oh god I am so sorry…” He was hyperventilating, his panic evident as he stammered.







“No…no, don’t…I’m not upset…I’m happy, Remus. Look at me…I am happy.” She laid her hands against his cheeks and forced him to look at her. “I’m happy…but you can’t go, we need you here.”







“I just make one mistake after another with you.” He whispered roughly, his eyes welling with unshed tears. “How can you ever forgive me?”







“There is nothing to forgive, Remus.” She brushed her lips over his lightly. “Can’t you try to love me?”







“Loving you isn’t going to be an issue, Hermione, it’s loving you as you deserve.” He wrapped his fingers around her wrists and held on tight, feeling her pulse throb beneath his fingertips.







“I deserve to have what I want, what I want is you. So you see, it’s easy.” She smiled. What was it about her smile that always made him calm, made him actually believe it would all be okay?







“It’s not easy, not by any stretch of the imagination. The others, your friends, they aren’t going to take it well.” He feared Harry’s reaction.







“And you think leaving me alone and pregnant is going to make them happier?” She laughed. “They will be surprised, Severus certainly was, but they will accept it because they want me to be happy, they want YOU to be happy.”







“You’re really pregnant?” He asked. “Are you…I mean, are you sick or anything?”







“Yes, I am really pregnant and I feel just fine. But we need to talk about that.” She said, taking his hand and leading him to the table. “Part of the reason I was with Severus so long is that we were researching some….well….dark texts. There is a lot more information there than in regular magical texts. The black moon increases your need to mate exponentially, obviously, but it also increases your fertility, again, that is obvious. But, what the regular books do not tell you is that the children born as a result of that moon are…special.”







“Special? Special how?” He asked.







“Remus, the baby is a werewolf. Poppy did a number of spells and determined that she is a lycanthrope. It will not manifest until she reaches puberty, but along with the lycanthropy she carries a great number of magical gifts. She will be one of the most powerful witches ever born.” Hermione said excitedly.





“She? It’s a girl? A werewolf?” He buried his face in his hands. “This is why I never wanted children. I didn’t want to pass this…curse….onto them. No one should have to live like this, Hermione, especially not a child. What have I done?”







She had expected his reaction, which is why she had him sit down. She didn’t expect to have an easy time of convincing him to give them a chance. She knew Remus too well, he was a martyr. He would never just accept it and be happy, he would have to wallow in guilt first the way a dog wallows in the dirt. She had done nothing but think of him and his confession since he made it. She spent her day thinking about it, discussing it with Severus, trying to figure out what she wanted to happen. Finding out about the baby was not only a shock, but it was sort of a clincher for Hermione, she wanted Remus, a life, a family. She just had to convince him that it was a good idea.







Remus’s heart was pounding, almost painfully as he tried to wrap his mind around the turns his life was taking. A mate and a child. A werewolf child. It was too much. Now he had ruined two innocent lives by binding a woman to him and getting her with child. He recalled how rough it was for him growing up, despite his parents best attempts to protect him, now he was going to have a daughter who would go through the same thing. In his eyes what he had passed genetically was tantamount to child abuse.







“I don’t know what to say…I don’t know what to do, Hermione. It’s too much…a mate….a child….a werewolf child…how do I process this?” He looked haunted, desperate.







“Go to bed, Remus, sleep on it. We can talk later, we don’t have to decide it all tonight.” She stood, realizing it was time for her to back off. She kissed his temple gently and with a soft caress to his cheek she went to bed. Remus however paced the house into the early morning before finally falling into bed, his confusion no better for it.







****Lyric from If Im Not In Love With You by Faith Hill