The Strongest Signal of All

The next morning before Pansy woke, Ron owled Neville and got an immediate response. He would meet with them that evening at 6 when he left the hospital.



When she woke, Ron had breakfast ready. Pansy entered the kitchen and sat down, she was rested but weary. She held her head down as Ron brought plates to the table and Lucy had poured pumpkin juice. Pansy took a small bite but kept her head down. “Thank you for last night.” She said in a quiet voice.



“Are you alright now?” He asked.



“Yes I’m fine.” She continued eating.



“Neville will be here this evening after he leaves St. Mungo’s for the night.” She nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?”



“It was just a bad dream.”



“It was more then a dream Pansy. You’ve never been afraid of me. Ever. But you were last night. You didn’t want me to touch you.” Pansy looked aside. Ron let it drop and decided to let Neville speak with her.



Ron relaxed in the front room later that afternoon, using a care kit on his broom. In the middle of polishing the handle Pansy walked in. She had been in her room reading for the past several hours.



She sat opposite him in an armchair and spoke gently. “It was a dream about that night.” Ron nodded, setting down the tin of polish. “He was hitting me just like before, but in my dream the words were the worst part. I hated hearing those words. The things he said to me.”



“I can understand that. Nobody likes to hear it.” He said.



She merely nodded. “How much longer before Neville gets here?” She asked. Ron glanced over at the clock.



“Another hour.” He said.



“Can I come and sit with you?” She asked in the most timid voice she had ever used. He nodded slowly. It was the first time they would sit this close since the hospital. She seated herself beside him and held her hands in his lap.



Ron rested her hands on his thighs but made no move toward her. She was the one who needed to be in control. She slipped her arms around his cuddling his bicep. He still hadn’t moved. She stayed that way for several minutes when Ron felt his arm lifted. She had draped it over her shoulder and nestled herself under his arm. He had sat with her this way many times during their marriage, but this time was much different. He knew she was testing herself.



She turned and faced him, looking into his eyes. There was safety in his embrace. There was always safety in his embrace. She tilted her head up and raised her lips, waiting. Would he refuse her?



Ron would never refuse her. He lowered his head just a little, giving her the permission to do what she wanted. She lifted her lips and touched them to his. It had been so long since she felt this, so long since she knew this kind of tenderness.



She let her head drop to his shoulder, and pressed against his lips. ‘You’re not part of that family anymore.’ She pushed James’s voice from her head and opened her lips, letting herself explore his kiss. She raised her hand and slid it up to his neck. Ron wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, cupping her face with his hand.



She was back in his arms. He had dreamed of holding her again and now he was, kissing her the way he used to. Pansy buried her soul in his kiss. ‘There’s only one purpose for wives and this is it.’ James’s words came back to haunt her and she felt her throat constrict.



“Pansy…..are….” He tried to speak against her lips. He felt the tension in her body, but she was kissing him with a desperation.



Pansy was trying to use Ron to get rid of the voices. She turned her body into him and held on tightly. Ron knew something was Ron, when she let out a whimper and became more aggressive.



‘This is what you send your time doing, waiting for this.’ His voice in her head was too much to take. She saw his fist fly at her behind her closed eyes. She pulled her mouth from his and squeezed her eyes shut.



“Pansy?” Ron asked her, fearing she may be panicing. He wasn’t far off, because Pansy didn’t hear his voice. Ron gripped her shoulders and tried to bring her to face him. Pansy didn’t see him. She saw James dragging her backwards.



Pansy pushed away, expecting to be hit, but instead she fell back on the couch. She opened her eyes, thinking James would be there, but he wasn’t. Ron was at the opposite edge of the couch, with a worried look on his face.



It wasn’t James, it was Ron. She had seen James but it was Ron. She buried her face in her hands and cried, pouring out in her tears. She jumped when she felt Ron’s hand on her shoulder. “NO! Don’t touch me please.” Ron immediately pulled back.



“Alright, I won’t.” He stayed where he was afraid of what just happened. Was it too soon to do anything physical? Was she afraid that he would act the same way? How could she think that about that. But he couldn’t fault her, not after what she went through. She needed him to be understanding right now.



“I’m sorry.” She cried letting more tears fall. She slid to the end of the seat and cowered against it.



“Don’t be sorry, its alright. I understand.” He told her not moving. She slid off the couch and moved over to her armchair, crossing her legs and folded her arms across her chest.



Ron was grateful that she didn’t leave the room, it showed at least that she was still comfortable and realized that what she had seen in her head wasn’t happening again.



Ron had never witnessed a flashback before and now was more anxious then ever for Neville to show up. He didn’t know what to say other then to reassure her of what she wanted. She didn’t want to be touched, he would make sure she knew he wouldn’t touch her.



He knew that staring at her would make her uneasy so he picked up his boom kit and idly began polishing again, not paying attention.



They sat in silence for some time until a knock sounded at the door. Ron was never more grateful to see Neville Longbottom.



“Hello Pansy.” He said coming inside to see her. Pansy stood and took his hand.



“Hello Neville. Thank you for coming over.” She said.



“It’s no problem at all.” He took a seat on the chair Ron offered. Pansy sat back in her armchair and Ron returned to the couch. Neville back and forth between the two for a moment. “So Pansy how are you adjusting.”



“I thought I was doing alright.” She admitted.



“You thought you were? What’s happened.” He asked.



“I had some disturbing dreams the past few nights.” Ron was expressionless. He had found out from Lucy, so he knew it was a multiple occurrence.



“How many nights have you had these dreams?” He asked.



“The past four I suppose.” She said.



“What do you dream about?” He asked.



“The attack.”



“Do you re-live it in your dreams?” Neville asked.



“Not really,” she frowned, “I see bits and pieces of the attack.



“Then what do the dreams focus on?”



“What was said, how he spoke.”



“You mean how he made you feel?” She nodded. “That’s not surprising.”



“How do you mean Neville?” Ron asked.



“Well for starters you were abused both physically and verbally, told things no one should be told.” Ron understood. Neville being her healer would have had access to the pensieve to see how she was injured. It allowed him to better treat her injuries. He would have seen what was said.



“The fact that less then a day later you were sent to Azkaban and had joy sucked for your being, added to the depression of what happened to you. Having killed your own husband and then being injured as you were, adding the sadness of the prison keeps you down.”



“What can she do about this Neville?”



“Have you witnessed one?” He asked Ron, looking over at him.



“Just one last night.” He said.



“Was she screaming in her sleep? How did you discover it?”



“I left my bedroom door open and heard her. She wasn’t screaming, she was letting out whimpers, but she was frowning and tossing her head a bit.”



“How did you wake her up?”



“I took her by the shoulders but she didn’t respond when I called her so I had to yell to get her attention.”



“Did she calm down?”



“She panicked actually, she didn’t want me to touch her.”



“That’s not unusual.” Neville confirmed.



“I figured as much, that she hadn’t quite woken up and was still thinking about her dream.”



“Did you think for a moment he would react as your husband did?” Pansy looked aside at Neville’s question for a moment.



“It’s alright Pansy, don’t be scared.” Ron told her.



“Yes, for a moment I did, but it went away when I told him not to touch me.”



“Were the other dreams along the same lines?” She nodded.



“You might want to tell him about what just happened Pansy.” Ron added.



“What happened just now?” Neville asked looking back and forth. Pansy was looking aside, and turned bright red.



“Do you remember when you walked in on us before you cleared her from St. Mungo’s.” Neville nodded. “Well nothing of the sort has happened since she left the hospital but about an hour ago, she came out and we attempted a kiss. She panicked and pushed me away.”



“What made you push him away Pansy?”



“I kept hearing his voice.” She whispered.



“Your husband?”



“Yes, I kept hearing what he was saying. I tried to drown it out but it wouldn’t stop. I kept hearing it.”



“Well, considering how he assaulted you and what he said, being in Azkaban made it worse, like I said. The dementors make you live out your worst experience, which for you was the assault and death of your husband.” Ron nodded as he watched Pansy. “They most likely made you realize your fears, and as a result it will take time to deal with the fears that they’ve brought to the surface.”



Pansy digested what Neville said. She did feel more fear then anything. “The dementors have forced you to deal with fears that you don’t want to deal with. When you think of Ron and these dreams, what is the fear foremost that you feel.”



“I’m afraid he will act like James did.” She admitted



“But you know he won’t, if it was a genuine fear, you wouldn’t have come here.” She thought about it and nodded. “This fear is more of a paranoia then anything else.” She hadn’t realized the dementors would affect her the way that they did. She had never had to deal with them before now.



“Can you touch him and make contact with him without going into a flashback?”



“Yes, we were sitting next to each other and I was holding his arm. I was alright then.”



“I think you should get used to the contact as much as possible, just contact, don’t do anything if you aren’t comfortable on it, just get used to human contact again.” Pansy nodded, Ron did also. He knew Pansy was fine until the kiss. “I’m going to give you some more dreamless sleep, and I want you to take it tonight.” He handed Ron the bottle.



“We’ll talk again in about a week. The core behind the nightmares and your panic attacks is underlying fear. The dementors bring that out in you, so dealing with them will give you control.”



She nodded. She knew what she was afraid of, she just didn’t know what to do about it. Admitting it would be hard but she had to get her life back. She couldn’t let James take her life away even in his death. She wouldn’t let that happen. Ron would help her. He said if she needed anything, he would help her. She needed him now.