Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die

**Please do not comment on how I write. It's simple. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. If there are mistakes however, you are more than welcome to point those out. This is Harry/Snape and will get dirty at some point, so please be patient.**


Italics - Harry's Writing

Bold - Mental Speaking


So check back next week for Chapter Ten, and it might just be there...however I can't guarantee that. I can on the other hand, that it will definitely be up on the 21st. From then on out it will also go back to weekly updates. Well, here it is! Enjoy!


CHAPTER NINE: LIVING FOR TOMORROWS

We had a blast with most ridiculous stories

Laughing’s keeping us alive

And you know that’s not a lie


Everyday ~ The Rasmus

When Remus’ letter came the next morning, the Golden Trio was excited. Opening it revealed that the Marauder had agreed to teach their private DA lessons, as Harry had given the classroom back to Umbridge. Apparently Snape hadn’t scared him away after their talk last night, much to Ron’s surprise. The whole time Harry had been with Madam Pomfrey, he had been nervous, barely able to concentrate on what she was saying. With the first potion in hand, he left the infirmary with the instructions that the other potions were to be given by Snape, and that she wanted to see him once a month for a check-up. When he’d returned to the dungeon rooms there was no sign of the teacher, so Harry lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Without realizing it, he had fallen asleep. Awake earlier than usual left him plenty of time to do his homework, which was easier the second time around.


Excited by the first lesson with Remus, Ron and Hermione couldn’t stop talking about it between classes, speculating what they’d be learning. That night the trio left the cloak and map just inside entrance to the Whomping Willow, just like Harry had promised, along with instructions on how to get to the Room of Requirement and one of the coins Hermione had made. In their spare time, until the first DA meeting, Harry was teaching his friends the things the class would be learning with Remus. Harry had other plans for some of the D.A. meetings, and the nights of the full moon.


Already knowing that Sirius was willing to do anything to get out of Grimmauld Place, Harry was sure that all he had to do was give his godfather a day to sort out a plan to get to the Shack. When the first D.A. lesson had come about, Harry saw Cho’s friend, the one who had snitched on them. Tempted to tell her to get lost, he held back, instead watching Neville. He felt a hand on his shoulder and saw Remus smiling down at him.


“You can’t change everything, pup. Otherwise you might not know what’s coming next,” Remus said.


Harry nodded. “I know, I just wish everything could be different. What if I had gone back earlier, I could have saved Cedric.”


“This is the time you were meant to come to. That’s why you don’t get to choose. Some things were just meant to be, it’s unfortunate that it had to be someone’s death,” Remus said, ruffling the dark hair.


“Is it wrong for me to think that losing the war was good? I mean, even if we had won, you, Sirius and Fred would still all be dead, who knows, maybe even more than that.” Harry hung his head in shame.


“You can’t dwell on things like that, they’ll only make you depressed. I want to see you smile, and I know that’s what your parents would want too,” Remus hugged him before moving to help the other students.


Harry wanted to be soothed by Remus’ words, but bringing up his parents like that had only angered him. He was no longer an innocent child, who let those ‘mind tricks’ work on him. If Remus, Sirius or anyone else tried to tell him what his parents wanted from him, or how proud they were of him, Harry just might give them a dose of wandless magic. Everyone, from the Dursley’s to Voldemort, from his best friends to his worst enemy seemed to compare him to his parents, or their standards. Even his own godfather saw him as a substitute for his father sometimes. Honestly, if his parents got what they always wanted, then they wouldn’t be dead, now would they.


Harry stared out the window that had appeared with the room and sighed. After several long minutes debating just how much trouble he would be in if he snuck out to the kitchens, he rejected the idea. This was supposed to be a time of healing, not wallowing in an alcohol-induced state.


Instead he left the Room of Requirement and went to the one place he’d spent most of his ‘unconscious’ time. Upon reaching the infirmary, he laid on one of the beds, one given to him after the war, staring at the high ceiling. It was only several minutes before Madam Pomfrey came out, worry etched on her face. Rushing to his side, she instantly put her hand to his forehead, checking for a fever.


“Is everything all right, Mr. Potter? Should I call for Professor Snape?” She asked.


Harry shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong. I just like to get away from it all. I really don’t know where else I can go.”


“Is there anything I can do to help?” Madam Pomfrey placed a comforting arm around his shoulders.


“I don’t suppose you know a place where I can go to be alone, yet so Professor Snape doesn’t worry?” Harry asked.


“Hmm…maybe, but I’ll have to speak to Professor Snape about it,” She said.


“Can I stay here awhile?” Harry asked.


“All right, but when it’s curfew time, I’ll be calling Professor Snape to come get you if you haven’t left yet,” Madam Pomfrey informed him.


Harry nodded and let his gaze drift back up to the uninteresting ceiling. He had almost fallen asleep to the soothing sounds of Madam Pomfrey preparing of another day when something brought him into a half-awake state.


“Potter, where are you? Your friends are already back in their dorms,” Snape’s voice was quite sultry when he was angry.


“Infirmary…” Harry’s voice sounded very tired, even to himself.


“Are you injured?” The teacher’s voice almost sounded concerned.


“Nah…wanted to be alone.”


There was an indescribable sound across their bond and Harry let himself drift again. He felt himself being lifted and a warm chest pressed against his cheek. The beat of a heart lured him into a calming sleep.


With the dawning of the new day, came the ‘inspection’ of the teachers. When Umbridge was in Harry’s classes she seemed to glare at him, as if to say that she won. Instead of a losing face, he smiled at her, the same fake smile she used to make others think she was innocent. Quickly turning away from him, she left him to his own devices. While she was going through the teachers, Hagrid returned. Harry waved off Hermione and Ron, not ready to face yet another of his ghosts.


“Tell him I’ll do it,” Harry wrote before returning to the dungeons.


He found Snape in the Potions’ classroom, grading papers. Sitting down at his usual desk, Harry put his head on his folded arms, on the table, watching the teacher out of the corner of his right eye. Silence rang through their bond, along with the classroom, only interrupted by the constant scratching sound.


“Something I can help you with, Mr. Potter?”


Harry tilted his head to better look at the teacher, while still keeping his head on his arms. “Did you speak to Madam Pomfrey about last night?”


Snape didn’t look at him. “Yes I did.”


The boy lifted his head, putting his chin on his head. “Did you find anything?”


“No.” The quiet was killing Harry. A bottle came floating from the storage room and set itself next to Harry. “Drink it. It’s the next potion you need to take.”


Doing as he was instructed, ignoring the horrible taste, he put the empty vial back on the table.
“How long will I have to take this? When will I speak again?” Harry questioned.


Snape sighed; obviously the boy wasn’t going to let him work in peace. “Your throat is very damaged. We believe the spell used was ‘Silentium Aeterna’ and we are actually not sure if we can cure it.”


“’Silentium Aeterna’…hmm…that sounds familiar,” Harry’s thoughts mused.


“If we’re correct in our assumption of the spell, then it may take years, lots of potions and possibly even some magical surgeries. Even if we do fix it, it may be just like your left eye, permanently slightly damaged. However, we will do the best we can,” Snape said, going back to his papers.


Taking that as a hint, Harry left the classroom, after telling the teacher that he was going to see Remus. Upon reaching the Room of Requirement, Harry paced outside the room three times, thinking about seeing Remus.


The door appeared and opened revealing the werewolf. Remus smiled and Harry entered the room quickly. Harry looked around the cozy room and smiled to himself. After taking the offered seat in front of the fire, Remus was quiet, waiting for the boy to speak first.


“I’m not like my father.”


Remus frowned. “You sound offended when I talk about James lately.”


“I’ve seen what he was like in school. How he picked on Snape because it amused you lot. I’m not like my father,” Harry wrote again.


This time Remus smiled a little. “I know you aren’t like him in all ways, Harry. I’ve never seen you purposely pick on someone before. You only do it either when you’re backed into a corner or being picked on first.”


“Just because I look like him, just because I’m his son, I have to pay for his mistakes. I have to step into his shoes, people think I have to be like him,” Harry frowned, leaning forward in the chair.
“What are you talking about, Harry?” Remus asked, confused.


“Snape hates me, he only tolerates me for two reasons, because Dumbledore asked him too, and because he loved my mother. Sirius wants me to be James, to play pranks, be good at Quidditch, to replace James. You, I don’t know what you want. To be stronger maybe, so I don’t follow my parents into death. Sometimes I think you want me to be James too. Dumbledore wants me to protect everyone, with the sacrifice of my life. The Ministry wants me to be a liar, and then their ‘Savior’; such hypocrites. The Weasley’s want me to be one of them, while Hermione probably wishes I was smarter, maybe stronger. Ron wants me to be less famous, he even hates me for it sometimes. Ginny wants me to be with her for the rest of our lives. The Dursley’s just don’t want me in general, they wish I weren’t such a ‘freak’. Draco wants me miserable, and Voldemort wants me dead. I’m being pulled in so many directions,” Harry paused, running his hand through his hair. “I think in all of that I forgot how to be Harry. I haven’t been Harry in such a long time that I don’t know who that is anymore.”


Remus put a hand on Harry’s shoulder when he started crying, not knowing what to say.


Harry stood, and Remus’ eyes followed him as the boy paced back and forth in front of the fire. “I have such dark thoughts. I can smile and make them think I’m happy, but I’m not. I’m miserable. I’m so lost in the darkness that I don’t know what’s right anymore. Who’s Harry, and where did he go? If he returns will the pain grow stronger, or will it help? Will I even recognize him when I see him? Was there ever really a Harry to begin with? I’m suffocating, I can’t breathe!” Harry clutched at his throat and gasped for air.


The werewolf panicked and summoned for the potion’s teacher, who immediately stepped through the fire. Snape forced a Draught of Peace down the boy’s throat, carrying one on him at all times, who calmed down within minutes.


“I’ll take him to his room,” Snape said, picking up the boy.


Unsure of what he could do, Remus just nodded as they disappeared through the Floo.


Snape set the boy down on his own bed, pulling the covers over the seemingly sleeping student. When he turned to leave the room, for papers to grade while he watched over Harry, something stopped him. Looking down, he saw his robe clutched tightly in the pale boy’s fist, green eyes gazing into black ones.


“How do you do it? How do you live in the darkness? How can you go on when the light’s been ripped from your life?” Harry’s thoughts were calmer now, rather than a raging hurricane.


“One minute at a time, Harry. When one day is never-ending, when every day causes pain and grief, you live one minute at a time,” Snape let his thoughts towards the boy show genuine concern, before felling Harry slip into sleep.


Releasing himself from the loosened grip, Snape stepped out of the room, only to return a few minutes later, parchment in hand.



________________________________

Preview of Chapter Ten: Untouchable Memories


Harry still had the Prophecy intact when he chased after Bellatrix. When he felt the familiar burn of Voldemort’s anger, the boy smirked. This is just what he wanted, to see the cold-blooded snake face-to-face. To show the evil creature that he wasn’t afraid of him, and that he never would be.


“Give me the Prophecy, Harry. I can see the darkness in your heart, join me and together we will be invincible,” The low hiss of Voldemort’s voice only made Harry angrier.


Harry threw his head back to laugh, disappointed when he couldn’t.

That's all you get, sorry folks. If any of you have any question, they will be answered at the end of the next chapter. So ask away, just be warned, I'll try my best not to let too much information slip, but I might give you a few hints. ;P Review!!! Ask those questions!!