Forgiveness

Thanks for your support of this story. Those of you that have reviewed have made my day.

This chapter is beta'ed by Drusilla of Perfect Imagination.



Forgiveness

Chapter 8

He was nine again in his dream, hopelessly bullied by his father and ignored by his mother. He watched through their bedroom door as, in a rare moment of tenderness, his parents danced. His mother laughed at something his father whispered in her ear and he kissed her. She stroked his face lovingly. The Severus boy/man of his dream state sighed, wishing his childhood could have had more of those moments. Things might have been different then. He turned away from the scene, quaking because he knew what came next, the ugly words, the harsh accusations, the drinking and much more pain and terror than to which any child should be exposed. The daily reality, not the idealised moment. The Old Woman was suddenly beside him in his dream. She took his hand, saying, “No, Boy, you need to see this. What comes later won't happen for years. Look.”

He turned back, watching as his ugly, bitter father kissed his terrifying mother's hand. She shut the door, leaving the adult part of Severus knowing what they did, while the child part wished painfully to be included. He felt hot tears on his face and tasted the salt of them. The old Woman said, “You see, Boy, even though you remember the worst most, there were good times too, before...”

Before his home life had crashed that final time, after the letter from Hogwarts. That had been the worst summer of his life as his father attempted to beat the magic out of him and his mother failed to protect him. Neglected and alone, he faced his life, but then there had been Lily, always Lily, with her bright mind and ethereal beauty. She had everything he ever wanted, was the only lifeline that was tossed to him that last summer at Spinner's End. Severus saw himself with her, his mismatched clothes gleaned from various charity bins, both wizarding and Muggle, his father's coat around his shoulders, to cover the embarrassing truth, the only comfort Severus had ever really received from that man. He had always wanted so much more from the elder Snape, but the desire was fruitless.

He watched as Lily flew, laughed, lay in the dappled sun under the stand of trees in which they always met. Tunie was there too, her horsey face and doom-saying ways always unwelcome. Severus really had not made the tree branch fall on her, but he had not been sorry it did. Stella, in the way of dreams, appeared. “Daddy, you know she never felt what you did, don't you? She always thought the worst of you, even when it wasn't your fault.”

He wanted to be shut of the truth the imp spoke, so he turned, and was greeted by the scene that defined him forever. His murder of his father. He had thought the use of the Veradunus Potion was acceptable. It had been taken by Gallic warrior-priests to subvert their natural tendencies to mercy. It allowed them to feel nothing as they sacrificed warriors from rival tribes, fortifying their minds against the horror they had to inflict to appease their blood-gods. It was meant to be imbibed when the user was not emotionally involved with the subject. Severus justified his use of it, telling himself he had no more feelings for his father than he would a rabid dog, but he had not known how much he still loved his father, still yearned for his approval, when he had strangled him.

The potions book, he had gleaned it, from had warned of its potential side-effects if used incorrectly. Lucius had been right in his assessment that Severus would soon go mad. Severus did, his paranoia increasing over the next year, until the Herren Ursi had developed the antidote for him. They had cared for him in their somewhat absent manner, had nursed him through the worst of the psychosis, and had even put his name on the paper they wrote after developing the cure, omitting, of course, the reason for the development. Severus had been grateful. He sobbed when he had to leave Bavaria, the two men had given him their blessings and offered him protection, but his acceptance would have endangered them, and Severus felt too grateful to them to allow harm to come because of his worthless hide. Harm had come anyway in the form of a heretofore unknown cutting curse, used to silence them about Severus' affiliations. The Dark Lord's executioner had been thorough.

Severus attended their funeral, fearing for everyone he had ever known. More tears fell, and he cried until he had no more, until Lily was murdered. After that loss, he had worn his bitterness and anger like a suit of armour.

He had hurt so badly for so long that he did not know he could feel anything but pain.

Joseph Pony was there, his hand on the older wizard's shoulder, as Severus sank to the earth, his fingers scrabbling in the soil, as if to resurrect the bodies of those dead by his own hand or by his toxic presence in their lives. He cast his eyes around for Joseph Pony, fearing he would lose the boy. The boy knelt beside him. Severus begged, “Leave me before I harm you, too. I have a way of doing that, you know.”

The boy took his hands, as the Old Woman and Stella loomed behind and beside. Severus wondered if he were actually dreaming, or on some other plane of existence.

“You know I love you, Daddy. I wish you could see that...”

“You know I love you, Boy. I wish you could see that...”

“You know I love you, Uncle 'Rus. I wish you could see that ...”

The three spoke simultaneously, propelling Severus toward wakefulness.

&*&*&

He woke with their words echoing in his mind. He cast a Tempus charm. It was three in the morning. He knew his time for sleep was over; the pain in his chest was too great to bear with nothing to occupy his mind. For the first time in years, however, it was not caused solely by his complicity in Lily's death. His pain also encompassed his lost childhood. He ached for the love Dream-Stella had said was his. He was forty-two years old, and he could honestly say that he had never known what it was like to be loved by another person. The thought that someone might, frightened him beyond measure. He ground his fists into his eyes, a childish gesture to be sure, but one that was satisfying in the pain it caused, momentarily negating the internal turmoil he felt.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, feeling old and tired this early in the morning. Today was Stella's first day of proper school. The doctor, Antonia, he heard her say in her exasperated tone, had set up an entrance exam for her at a prestigious regional academy right after Stella had recovered from the chicken pox. She had scored well, and had been placed a year above other children of her age. Today, he would see her off to the academy which was located in a small wizarding town on the outskirts of Oklahoma City called Meridian. She would stay the week there, and be able to come home on weekends by Floo. He had wanted her to be able to come home every night, but the cost of the Floo Powder would have been prohibitive. Stella had not been pleased about the length of her stay away from her family either, but had been induced to comply by a bribe.

The bribe lay on a throw rug in Severus' room, a small black and tan dog with a tiny stub of a tail and ears that flipped down comically at the tips. For some reason, the bitch, dubbed Loco by Joseph Pony for her main personality trait, had decided that once Stella was asleep, she should sleep with Severus in his room. He had loathed the beast at first, but that feeling had been overcome the first time the dog captured a field mouse that had plagued their kitchen and proudly laid it at his feet.

Stella had insisted that Severus obtain the services of a dog trainer, so that Loco might fit into the family better, and went so far as to borrow several dog ownership manuals from Brick. Severus dutifully read them, and discovered that dogs were rather intelligent, if undignified, animals. He would tolerate the little beast as long as it was well-behaved and continued to rid the household of vermin.

Severus pulled on his trousers and a vest, and the dog popped up eagerly. “Go back to sleep. I will not feed you before seven.”

The dog ignored him, padding behind him as he took care of his morning business. He watched her as she pranced around him, her elegant paws dancing out of his way when he stepped toward the shower. “Turn your head, miss. I am rather diffident about my looks.”

The dog cocked her head, seemingly listening. She made a noise between a yawn and a yip, and settled in the doorway, closing her eyes. Severus smirked, shrugging out of his clothes. “I knew you were tolerable, but do not expect me to admit I said that to anyone.”

&*&*&

He thought he might monitor the brewing process he had started last night on the variation of Wolfsbane Antonia had devised. He was unsure about the efficacy of the batch and was glad that he had talked his employer into using the variation he had devised for Lupin during the wolf's teaching sojourn at Hogwarts.

He blew out a pent-up breath as he cast his eyes over the Arithmantic calculations spread before him on the table, which had seemed a little off when the doctor, Antonia, had presented the new formulations to him. He supposed the team would find out when they administered the brew to the were-coyotes in a few days. He then settled into the familiar and calming rhythm of chopping when he had an uneasy feeling of being watched. His hand jerked when he heard the doctor's voice from the doorway, a husky timbre he found pleasing, “Don't you ever sleep?”

He scowled as he noticed the score he had put in the table. He rubbed his thumb over the mark as the woman entered the room uninvited. “What is it, Antonia?”

He stressed the name, letting the woman know her presence was neither welcomed nor appropriate. She sat on a stool next to him, yawning. “We have a new test subject. She's a werewolf about seventeen years old. She was infected and got kicked out of her parents’ house. Johnson found her in New Orleans. I got her settled in a secure cottage and couldn't go back to sleep. What about you?”

“You know me, duty first.” Severus chanced a glance at Antonia's wan face and felt unaccountably sympathetic to the woman. Whatever her flaws, she was a dedicated Healer who genuinely cared about the efficacy of the research. “I was unaware that this facility would be doing... werewolf testing”

“Well, now you know.” She brushed his black-clad right arm with her fingertips. “You know, when summer comes, you're going to have to wear different clothes. The heat, here in Oklahoma, isn't what you're used to.”

“That is what cooling charms are for, Madam.” He pulled his arm away, wondering at the tingle of awareness such an impersonal touch could evoke. “Will the creature be allowed to roam at will?”

“The girl, Russell, will be allowed all the freedoms a seventeen-year-old should have.” Severus followed the progression of Antonia's thoughts as she sought the hem of her jumper, worrying it with her blunt-tipped fingers. “I would ask that you and Joseph Pony stay away from her for the time being. As I said, she was living on the streets when Johnson found her. Her story is typical and not pretty. She's very afraid of men.”

“But not Johnson?” Severus cursed himself for being drawn into the conversation. He did not need to know about the sexual orientation of any of the inmates of this compound, and he had already surmised that Johnson was what his former students would have called a poof.

Antonia laughed, the throaty sound affecting Severus in way he truly did not welcome. He shifted, thinking that he might need to make the acquaintance of a certain type of woman in the near future. He had not needed to avail himself of that particular type of service in years. She touched his shoulder. The Potions Master almost purred with awareness. “You know Johnson, do you really need to ask?”

“I'll go see if Mari has any coffee made. She likes you, you know. I'd love to look over your modifications to the Wolfsbane potion, if you don't mind,” she said, standing and cocking her hand on her hip. “Oh, Russell, Johnson is always looking for the perfect man; you want me to drop your name in the hat?”

Severus scowled and said repressively, “If I were so inclined, I am sure I would be able to act on my own behalf, Doctor.”

“You're so easy,” she said with a wink and then left the room, her laughter echoing in the breezeway as she exited.

Severus sat stunned and unmoving. The woman had just winked at him. That particular gesture had never been directed his way before. What had she meant by it? Even with the teasing tone of her words, he had not felt derision from her.

It was probably just an overly-friendly Americanism that Severus had, somehow, missed in his travels. Of course, there was no class on American etiquette that he might take. He must not read anything into such a simple gesture; the wink had most likely been a reflex. Yes, her eyes had appeared a little red when she entered the room.

He blinked, feeling a slight headache building behind his eyes. The result of his confusion, no doubt. He returned to the roots he had been slicing, hoping he would not act foolishly.

&*&*&

It was September, his seventh year at Hogwarts, and he was on the train, riding, as usual, alone in his compartment. He had already read all the textbooks and had done all of his summer work. This would be his final year at Hogwarts, and the beginning of his destiny. He watched as students filed into the train, after having left the loving arms of their parents. Severus had seen himself off. His father had been too hungover and his mother too bruised to see him off. He vowed that when he had a family, his offspring would never live the life he had.

He saw a flash of red outside the window and followed it with his eyes. Lily. The familiar ache seeing her caused was unwelcome. He opened a book, keeping his eyes on the page, unseeingly, until she passed. He blinked, feeling a slight headache building behind his eyes. The result of repressed emotion, no doubt.

Cold enveloped him as a sneering voice spoke, “So, junior Death Eater, have you taken the Mark yet?”

Black. Severus marked his place in the book, as if it had been his focus. He turned his eyes toward his enemy. He opened his mouth to speak when Lily interrupted. “Just leave him alone, Sirius. He's not worth the detention you'll have with Filch.”

Severus turned his gaze to her, and was again shocked to see the hatred and pain in them. He had royally screwed things up his fifth year. He wished he could go back and change that one thing. Then she would have fallen in love with him, and they would have lived happily. He sighed, knowing the path he could take to get her attention. He could impress her still if he rose in the ranks of the Death Eaters. She would not be able to ignore his brilliance then. His ugliness would not be so glaring.

He started to speak to her, to say, in a normal tone, 'Hello, Lily, it's been a long time.'

But she turned her scornful eyes from him as Potter grabbed her from behind and she squealed. Then Potter kissed her and Severus' world shattered. He would never forgive her. Never.

As she left with Potter, he realised with a sinking feeling, he already had.

&*&*&

Stella was seated forlornly in the window seat of the parlour when he returned. She was dressed in her new school uniform, a maroon button-down with the school crest on the pocket, tan slacks and a short, black, student robe. Loco was sitting next to her, the dog's paws crossed and its alert focus solely on the girl. Stella swung her foot back and forth as she ran a comb through her hair. She noticed Severus enter the room and paused, her face a mask of pique and sorrow. “Hi, Daddy.”

Severus sat next to her on the bench, “Would you like me to do your hair before we leave?”

“Please,” she whispered. His throat felt constricted as he took the comb from her hand and parted her hair in three, even portions. He began plaiting it, a skill he had learned from his mother, making sure it was neither too tight nor too loose. He would miss her managing presence during the week, a turn of events he would have never dreamed would come to pass. He heard her sniffling and swallowed around the lump in his throat. The girl was not ready to leave home and stay away for so long. She would miss her cousin and the new dog. “Daddy, if we got rid of Loco, and I didn't ask for birthday or Christmas gifts, could we afford Floo powder, so I could come home everyday?”

The older wizard's resolve wavered further. Of course she would have gifts and the beast. He thought that if he did away with his subscription to American Potions and Potions Today, he could afford to bring her home every day. His work would suffer only marginally. He opened his mouth to say so when Joseph Pony came into the room with a small bag.

“Uncle 'Rus, I've got something to say to you, and I want you to just listen. I've saved everything I've made from the potions we've sold. I want to buy Floo powder with it so that Stella can come home every night. She needs to be here, and it's what Nana would have wanted.”

The three stared at each other for a few moments, each unwilling to break the momentary accord, when a knock sounded on the front door. Joseph Pony placed the pouch by Severus and answered the door. Antonia entered, asking cheerfully, “Am I interrupting anything?”

She stopped before Severus as her face fell into softer lines and small smile lit it. Severus finished tying the braid with the elastic band Stella provided. He kept his eyes down as he did so, not wanting to risk acting foolishly, even now that he had surmised that the moment this morning had most likely been irritated eyes. “Hello? Earth to Russell?”

She was waving her hand in front of his face like a lunatic. He snorted. “Yes, Antonia, I am busy.”

“I'm sorry.” He heard the disappointment in her voice and could not help but look up at her. She smiled, hesitantly. “May I speak to you privately?”

Severus nodded, casting a warning glance at the children. They went to the porch where the doctor was chaffing her arms in the morning chill. Severus sat on the porch swing, indicating with an inclination of his head that she was welcome to join him. She sat next to him, her posture stiff as she began, “Brick told me that Stella will be staying in Meridian during the week.”

Severus chuckled softly, the sound rusty to his ears. “That seems to be the topic of conversation this morning.”

“Yeah, well, that's why I'm here. The compound's budget is coming for the third quarter, and I have requested consideration in it for Stella's transportaiton to and from school.” The doctor's hands twisted in her lap and Severus suddenly felt he had to look away as he pictured his hand covering their frantic movements. “I just received a Fire-call from corporate a few minutes ago, and they've approved the Floo powder expense, so she can come home at night, if you want.”

Severus felt his face stiffen, he had not made his embarrassment public. “That was a private family matter, Madam. I do not appreciate your interference or your managing ways.”

Severus stood sharply, shaking the swing as he did so. “Please inform the corporation that the funds will not be needed, as I have more than enough wherewithal to take care of my own family.”

He stalked to the front door and slammed it shut.

&*&*&

“Sev, do all wizards dress as funny as you?” Lily asked, her green eyes wide and innocent of malice.

Severus hunched his shoulders. “Dunno. Mum's the only one I know besides you.”

“Don't you have any grandparents or aunts and uncles?” Lily's questioning gaze lifted to his, and he was glad she was distracted from her original question. He hated being poor.

Thanks for reading. Please leave a review. The author needs to be fed.