Meant to Be

Thanks Marti for your review - sorry, but it\'ll be a little bogged down for a few chapters but there\'ll be lots of sex to make up for the pace. Cheers!



Chapter Nine



‘I meant to ask you after all that drama at Halloween…. you said one of your best friends had escaped from Azkaban?’ Jess said a few days later, looking up from the newspaper she was reading as she lay on her stomach in bed.

Remus looked up from the assignment he was marking and nodded, a slight frown on his face.

‘Were you talking about Sirius Black?’ she asked, surprised when his face went hard. ’What makes you think that?’ he said.

’Not too many other Azkaban escapees in the paper,’ she answered, holding it up.

He glared at the picture of Black on the front page. ‘Yes,’ he answered, his voice cool. ‘It was.’

Jess looked taken aback at his tone and decided to drop the subject for now - it was obvious he didn’t want to discuss it. A few minutes later, he threw the pile of essays onto the floor and lay down on his side next to her, running a hand up her back.



‘Sorry,’ he said, a little shamefaced. ‘You didn’t deserve the attitude I just gave you. I just don’t like talking about him much.’

Jess looked at him and dropped the paper onto the ground next to the bed. She rolled onto her side to face him and said, ‘Apology accepted. But you didn’t let me get away with ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ when I tried it, so I don’t think I should accept that excuse either.’

Remus gave her a small smile. ‘That’s true,’ he agreed. ‘I just don’t think you need to know all the sordid details.’



Jess frowned and sat up. ‘You don’t want to tell me about it because it‘s nasty?,’ she said and he nodded. ‘Are you protecting me or yourself?’

Remus frowned as well. ‘You,’ he insisted. ‘You don’t need to know about my past with Sirius - it doesn‘t change or explain anything. And what he did was…a complete betrayal. I needed to know a little about your history to help you with your defence issues. They are two different situations, Jess.’

‘You don’t think one of your best friends betraying you and killing the people you love has affected who you are?’ she said disbelievingly. ‘Remus, you are a very intelligent, insightful man. You must know what you just said is a load of crap.’

Remus sat up as well. ‘You don’t need to know, Jess,’ he insisted, his voice a little louder than it had been. ‘And I don’t want to talk about it.’



Jess stared at him, then nodded. ‘Alright. Your past; your decision,’ she said, her voice carefully controlled. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. ‘Do you want a cup of tea? You still seem a little pale.’

Remus watched her walk out the bedroom door and sighed heavily. She was upset, and he couldn’t really blame her. He had pressed her for details of her past, and she had given him what he wanted: at times, unwillingly, but she had shared the not so pretty details of her life with him.

Now that he thought about it, he had told her almost nothing about his past: she wouldn’t have even known that little detail about Sirius if he had been sober the night they met.



‘Tea‘s ready,’ she called, and he got out of bed, seeing her putting on her jacket when he got to the kitchen.

‘I’m going for a wander,’ she said lightly when he looked at her questioningly. ‘I’ll be back soon.’

Before he could object, she was gone, the door closing softly behind her. Remus threw himself into a kitchen chair and fiddled with the cup of hot tea she’d left there, feeling like the biggest jerk on earth. Even though she was pissed off at him, she was still looking after him - making sure he had what he needed before she left to cool down.



Remus sat at the table for a while, sipping the tea and thinking. He wasn’t really trying to protect her by refusing to discuss his past. She was right - he was trying to protect himself. The loss of his friends, and Sirius’ betrayal had hurt him badly. Jess had told him she didn’t trust easily, but she’d trusted him more than he’d trusted her. She’d opened up to him, but he was still hesitating. Maybe she was right - maybe Sirius’ betrayal all those years ago had changed who he was, made him distrustful of others. He frowned. He certainly hadn’t let many people get close over the last fourteen years. He’d always blamed his lycanthropy, but perhaps what had happened had been the reason that he held back.



He heard Jess’ footsteps outside his door and looked up as the door opened, his chest aching as he realised how worried he’d been that she wouldn’t come back. It hit him then how much he was afraid of being hurt by someone he cared about again.

‘Hey!’ she said with a smile as she took her jacket off. ‘Was the tea alright?’

‘Perfect,’ he said, standing up.

‘Are you hungry?’ she asked, moving over to the cupboard. ‘I can do soup, or sandwiches if you don’t want something hot.’

Remus walked up behind her and put his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

Jess smiled and turned to look at him. ‘Is that a vote for a sandwich?’ she asked and he kissed her softly.

‘I am such an asshole,’ he said quietly.



She frowned and said, ‘You’re not an asshole, Remus. Trust me: I’ve met plenty of them.’

‘I’m not being fair to you, Jess,’ he said. ‘You’ve told me about your past, and I’ve told you almost nothing about mine. I just…really don’t like talking about it.’

Jess looked at him and said, ‘It’s fine, Remus. If it’s too difficult to talk about, I understand. I’m not going to push you. You’ll tell me what you want when you’re ready.’

Remus gazed at her gratefully. ‘I don’t deserve you, Jess,’ he said softly, then pressed his lips to hers. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Give me another one of those and you’re forgiven,’ she said and he grinned, kissing her again, then again, until she turned in his arms and their kisses became urgent.



Remus lifted her against him, staggering as far as the kitchen table, trying to hold her, kiss her and get their clothes off at the same time. They knocked a chair over as they managed to peel the most relevant clothing off, Remus grabbing Jess’ hips and thrusting hard into her as she sat on the edge of the table. She moaned loudly and barely heard the tea cup fall to the ground and shatter as he thrust again, the legs of the table screeching on the floor as it rocked. Her legs wrapped around him and soon they were crying out together as they exploded, their breathing ragged.



‘Fuck,’ he panted, and Jess laughed.

‘Is that what they call make up sex?’ she asked. Remus laughed as well and grasped her head.

‘We have to fight more often if it is,’ he muttered, then kissed her hard.

He suddenly picked her up and carried her into his bedroom, throwing her onto the bed and falling down on top of her.

‘I’m too damn old to be having sex on kitchen tables,’ he groaned and Jess giggled. ‘You’re never too old to have sex on kitchen tables, Remus,’ she admonished him. He chuckled and kissed her again then sat up.

‘I’ll get us some lunch,’ he said, pushing her back down onto the bed when she tried to argue.

‘You’ve been running around after me for days, Jess,’ he said sternly. ‘You’re the guest. Let me look after you.’

Jess grinned, watching his bare ass as he walked into the kitchen to grab his pants. ‘Yes Professor Lupin,’ she called after him and heard his laugh.



The rest of the holidays flew by. Remus did open up more about his past, telling Jess about his school life and his family. She was happy to learn more about him, and they were both disappointed when the holidays came to an end. On the last night before they returned to Hogwarts, they cooked dinner and ate together, lying curled up on the bed afterwards.

‘Back to work,’ he sighed, running his hand over her head which rested on his chest. ‘Mmm’ Jess said. ‘You think Snape will give up?’

Remus shook his head. ‘I doubt it,’ he said, his voice low. ‘Once Severus gets his teeth into something, he doesn‘t like to let go…and there’s the fact he hates my guts.’



‘You never told me why he dislikes you,’ she said and he tensed.

‘You don’t have to…’ Jess began, feeling his stress, but he interrupted.

‘Sirius played a trick on Severus in our Sixth Year,’ he said. ‘Severus was growing suspicious about my illness and Sirius told him that if he wanted to know what was wrong with me, he should follow me down the tunnel that night.’

Jess’ eyes widened and she sat up, looking at him in shock. ‘He sent Snape after you - on a full moon?’ she said incredulously. Remus nodded and she let out a breath of disbelief. ‘And this guy was your friend?’



‘Sirius was always thoughtless; impulsive and he hated Severus as much as he hated us,’ Remus said.

There was a few moments of silence then Jess said, ‘So he never did it?’

Remus shook his head. ‘No,’ he said. ‘He did it. He almost got all the way to the end. As it was, he saw me and…I very nearly killed him. If James hadn’t gotten cold feet at the last minute and come after Severus, I would have killed him.’

Jess heard the tremor in his voice and gripped his hand, lying back down on her side facing him. ‘God, Remus,’ she said softly. ‘That must have been horrible for you.’



He rolled over to face her with a strange look in his eyes. ‘It was Snape that nearly died,’ he said, but she frowned.

‘Yes but you’ve had to live with what you nearly did, because of a thoughtless child’s prank,’ she said, shifting on the bed. ‘I know that was the part of the disease that terrified Mike beyond anything else - the thought that he was capable of killing someone, and not be able to stop himself, or even realise it at the time. You and my brother have a lot of similar qualities, Remus. You’re both kind, and gentle and I know it must scare you as well - not being who you are, even for a short time.’



Remus stared at her. ‘No one has ever seen that,’ he said softly, not taking his eyes off her. ‘No one’s ever considered that I’m just as frightened of myself in that form as everyone else is.’

Jess frowned. ‘Then they didn’t really know you at all,’ she answered and squeezed his hand.

Remus gazed at her for a few more moments then leaned forward and kissed her.



Jess smiled when he took his lips off hers. ‘What was that for?’ she asked.

‘For making me feel happier than I’ve ever felt before,’ he said quietly then kissed her again.

‘You make me happy as well,’ she said when he let her go. ‘I feel safe with you.’

Remus looked a little startled. ‘You feel safe… with me?’ he asked, his voice breaking slightly.

‘Yeah, I do,’ Jess said, flushing. ‘No one’s ever made me feel like that before.’



They continued to kiss, slowly and lazily, their desire rising and their clothes falling away.

‘I don’t want to move,’ said Jess softly, as her mouth ran over Remus’ neck. They were facing each other, still lying on their sides.

‘I’m sure we can find a comfortable way to do this so we don’t have to,’ he laughed and they spent a minute rearranging their bodies so Remus could slide himself deep inside her.



‘Oh, that feels really good,’ Jess moaned as he moved, kissing him harder now. He agreed and their movements soon began to become more erratic and their kisses more desperate. Remus stroked her face as he kissed her, his breathing rapid now.

‘Jess,’ he said softly, his mouth moving over her cheek. ‘I love you.’

His lips moved back to hers and he looked at her as he felt her coming undone. ‘I love you,’ he repeated.

He saw the surprise in her eyes before she lost control and whispered his name, kissing him hard. Remus also let go, falling with her, murmuring her name again.



Lying entwined together for several minutes in silence, Remus stroked his fingers through her hair and kissed her head, feeling Jess’ hand running lightly over his back

‘I didn’t mean for that to come out,’ he said finally, unable to stand the quiet anymore. He felt her shifting and looked down.

‘You didn’t mean it?’ she asked, looking a little hurt.

‘No. I mean, yes. I meant it,’ he said hastily. He took a breath and tried again. ‘I meant it; I just didn’t mean for it to come out like that.’

‘It was a bit of a surprise,’ she said softly.

They were quiet for another minute, then both started to speak at the same time.

‘You go first,’ he said and she bit her lip.

‘I don’t know if I can say it back,’ she admitted. ‘Not yet. I care about you and I know I’ve never felt like this before, but….I want to be absolutely certain because if I tell you I love you, Remus, you’re stuck with me.’

He smiled and kissed her. ‘I can think of worse fates,’ he whispered and Jess smiled.



‘I’m sorry, Remus,’ she said. ‘I know you must be hurt…’

He shook his head. ‘I didn’t say it so I’d hear it back,’ he said, not wanting her to know he was disappointed she didn‘t feel the same yet.

‘I said it because it’s true and it was the right time for me - even if I hadn’t intended for it to come out in this way,’ he told her. ‘I love you, Jess. I know how I feel. I know you care about me and, if it’s a bit soon for you, it’s ok. I’d rather you said it and meant it, then saying it just because you think you should.’



Jess pushed him over onto his back, climbing on top of him. She kissed him, long and slow, making him moan and his mind went blank for a few minutes.

‘You won’t have to wait long,’ she told him, kissing down his throat. ‘I think I’m in love with you. I just want to be sure, honey.’

His heart rate soared, both at her words and at the touch of her lips near his ear.

‘Good enough for me,’ he gasped as her teeth nipped at his ear lobe. She laughed softly then her tongue traced the shell of his ear.

‘I can show you how I feel, even if I can’t tell you yet,’ she murmured, hearing him chuckle.

‘I could live with that for now,’ he said, then lost his power of speech when she sucked his ear lobe into her mouth.



Jess apparated back to Hogwarts the next afternoon, trudging up to the castle, shivering in the winter cold. She and Remus were arriving separately - Remus was going to Floo back just before dinner - and had decided they wouldn’t see each other tonight, making the most of their last hours together by not leaving bed until ten minutes ago. She smiled remembering what exactly they had done today to try and make up for the forced separation tonight.

‘And maybe we should make it a bit longer,’ Jess had said an hour earlier, slightly distracted by Remus’ wandering hands. ‘Try and throw Snape right off.’

Remus’ hands halted as he looked up from where he had been kissing her arm. ‘I will never be able to get it up if you continue talking about Snape while we‘re in bed,’ he threatened, making her hastily apologise and shut up.



After throwing her backpack onto her bed and spending some time with Karen and the other Seventh Year girls, she made her way down to dinner, looking forward to seeing Remus, even if they couldn’t be together. She and Karen sat down, Jess seeing Remus hadn’t arrived yet. They ate and talked, Jess’ heart jumping a little when she saw Remus over at the Gryffindor table, talking to a dark haired boy she’d met at Christmas. A smile flickered at the corner of her mouth, and she quickly looked back down at her food to hide it.



‘Hi, Professor Lupin,’ she heard Karen say a minute later. Jess looked up to see him stop as he walked to the staff table.

‘Hello, girls,’ he said, smiling at the Seventh Years who all murmured a hello.

‘Did you have a good holiday, sir?’ Tracey asked, smiling a little flirtatiously at the older man.

He grinned and shot a half glance at Jess, who was glaring at the other girl, before answering,’ Yes,’ he said. ‘I had a very pleasant break. Thank you.’

He continued up to the table, greeting a student here and there. Karen turned to Tracey, who was giggling and watching the teacher’s table.



‘You were flirting with him,’ she said, her voice a little shocked. Tracey turned and gave them a smile.

‘So?’ she said flippantly. ‘He’s pretty cute, even though he’s a bit old. I wonder how he got those scars on his face?’

‘Jess is taking extra classes with him,’ a Sixth Year called Fiona broke in and Tracey looked at Jess, who was still a bit taken aback by the waves of jealously crashing over her.

‘Are you?’ she asked. ‘You know, I think I’m going to find defence a lot harder this term. I wonder if he’ll give me extra classes?’



Jess stood up abruptly, startling the other girls. She couldn’t stand sitting here and listening to them go on about Remus.

‘I’m going to bed, I think,’ she said, faking a yawn. ‘I’m buggered. Night all.’

She left the hall, turning to see Remus watching her. He gave her a small smile and she waved her fingers surreptitiously at him before she disappeared to her room, neither of them seeing Dumbledore watching their exchange with a concerned frown.