Beauty and Sadness

Sorry for the long delay--I try to juggle several story lines at once while maintaining a non-virtual life as well.

Hope you enjoy this! As someone said in one of the discussion forums, your comments have become my crack cocaine.

*

Snape burst into the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey met him, lips compressed.

“This way,” she said tersely.

Snape strode through the dormitory after her until they came to an enclosed room that he had never seen before. Madam Pomfrey opened the door. A young man with tousled hair was sitting by the bed, obscuring Snape’s view of the figure lying there.

“Get. Out,” Snape bit off in a hoarse whisper.

James Potter rose, an expression of mingled fury and pity on his face. Without a word he shouldered past Snape out of the room.

Dimly, Snape heard the door close behind him. He was alone now with Lily. He came forward. “Lily—" he began. As he approached the bed, he heard a low monotone. With increasing alarm he covered the distance to the bed and sat where James had been. Now he could hear her clearly, softly repeating: “I lost the baby. I lost the baby. I lost the baby. IlostthebabyIlostthebabyIlostthebaby…”

“Lily, stop it,” he said. “I’m here now. You didn’t want the baby anyway.”

But the voice went on. And on.

Snape rose, alarm beginning to give way to panic. He spun back around toward the door, yanking open the knob. Madam Pomfrey was still there, lips tight.

“What’s wrong with her?” he demanded.

Madam Pomfrey crowded him back inside the room—no mean feat for a woman who barely came up to his shoulder. When the door was closed again, she said, “As you must know by now, Mr. Snape, she...miscarried.” Snape gathered from her tone that she didn’t approve of young, unmarried witches and wizards starting babies. He nodded tightly, surprised to find disappointment and even grief starting to pierce his consciousness. He pushed the feelings back, focusing on the disapproving witch before him.

“But—what’s wrong with her?”

Madam Pomfrey frowned and looked away. “It’s unhinged her. She must have wanted that baby very much.”

“She didn’t—" he began resentfully, but Madam Pomfrey shook her head and cut in, “Think back. She must have done, because losing it has made her lose herself.”

Snape turned to stare at Lily, curled up on the bed, face to the wall, saying her rosary of woe.

“What can you do?”

“There’s only one thing to do. Obliviate her.”

Snape’s head snapped back to Madam Pomfrey.

“That’s why I’ve been waiting for you,” the healer continued. “Her House mate, Mr. Potter, who brought her in told me that you were her fiancé. I’ve been waiting for you, in case you wanted to...do the Obliviating.”

At once, Snape understood. She meant, if he wanted to destroy just certain memories and keep others. He would be in the best position to make those determinations—but at the cost of knowing exactly what he was doing. He would be destroying part of his and Lily’s shared memories, so that he and only he would remember certain things that had transpired between them. It might be easier to let a stranger steal her memories, easier to have someone to blame for what would be lost. But it would be better if he could salvage some part of what they had shared, and maybe…try again.

He nodded once, and Madam Pomfrey left the room.

Now he was again alone with Lily, but more alone than if she were not there.

“IlostthebabyIlostthebabyIlostthebabyIlostthebabyIlostthebaby…”

“It’s all right,” he said, in a voice that sounded strange even to his own ears. He took out his wand. “It will be all right, Lily.” His throat was tight. “Maybe we’ll have another.” But he had wanted this one, had felt so triumphant to have it on the way, though it symbolized a victory of ends over means. And now that it was lost, he found he was mourning it not just as a symbol but as an actual death

He raised his wand, focusing narrowly on his memory of when his wand had sputtered to light while his finger was inside of Lily, and the small moments between them when the issue of “baby” had arisen. He opened his mouth, then it. For a moment, he wasn’t sure he wanted to do the job. Self-disgust washed over him. Do it, he thought. He raised his wand and brought it slashing down. “Obliviate!”

A jet of red light shot from his wand to Lily’s head, and her voice abruptly ceased. Snape could hardly bear to look at his handiwork. He pushed his wand back into his robes and stalked out of the room.

“But…but…” sputtered Madam Pomfrey.

Snape couldn’t speak. He left the hospital wing and didn’t return that day.

*
When he returned the next day, Lily was pacing the little room. A slab of chocolate lay half-eaten on the bedside table. She whirled around at Snape’s entrance.

“Why are they keeping me here? I need to get studying! What’s happened?”

Her improvement was so dramatic that Snape couldn’t repress a tiny smile. He sauntered to her side and put an arm around her. “You’ve been ill,” he said.

“With what? No one will tell me.”

“Who’s no one?” he said suspiciously, withdrawing his arm a bit.

“Madam Pomfrey. And…and James Potter.”

Snape all but gnashed his teeth. “I don’t want him hanging around here any more!”

“He only meant to see that I was all right! He said I’d been very ill—"

“You have been.”

“With what, then? With what? What is the big secret?”

Snape measured his words carefully. “You had a lot of bleeding all of a sudden. Madam Pomfrey thought you’d … well, you’ll never believe this, Lily, but she thought you’d had a miscarriage.” He allowed himself a small, calculated smile. He prayed this explanation didn’t kick loose any memories.

“A what? Where did she get that idea?” Lily sounded aghast.

“You were bleeding, like I said.” He was starting to feel his face go hot. “It turned out, though, to be a benign polyp.” Page 146 of Our Magical Bodies, Our Selves swam before his mental eye.

“Oh.” Now she sounded flummoxed.

“I guess Potter didn’t want to get into…female things…with you. Bit timid, perhaps.”

An expression of brief incredulity passed over Lily’s face, before vanishing in resignation. “Yes, I suppose. But why wouldn’t Madam Pomfrey tell me anything?”

“You’re condition until this morning hasn’t been good, Lily. You’ve been dipping in and out of consciousness. No doubt Madam Pomfrey meant to tell you after you’d had some chocolate and gained some strength.”

Now self-doubt was clear on Lily’s face. “Oh,” she said again. She crossed the room and dutifully began eating a bit of chocolate. “Well, I’m glad I have you, Sev.”

He couldn’t help the small smile from twisting his face. Oh, yes. You have me.

*

Later that day he helped Lily leave the hospital wing. She was desperate to get back to classes and active life. Though she snapped off orders to him rapid-fire, Snape did her bidding willingly. He was so relieved to hear her normal voice again that he didn’t care if it were telling him which way to comb his hair.

That evening after dinner Snape and Lily roamed the edges of the forest together. The forest was a time-honored inspiration point, and they took care to avoid other couples seeking their own heavens. At last, deep in a warm glade, he reached for her. He put his back against the tree, allowing her to brace her weight against him, and enjoyed the feel and sight of her. He slid his hands under her robes as they kissed, touching and caressing all that he found beneath. Lily’s breathing changed. She tugged at the opening of his robes. Suddenly, Snape’s mind snapped to consciousness, all bemusement gone. Lily tugged again. “Take it off,” she murmured.

“It might be too soon,” he whispered back, pressing kisses to her hairline by her ear.

“Just the robe, not your trousers,” she insisted.

It was the moment he’d been dreading, and he didn’t see any way of avoiding it. As if he were a condemned man, he allowed her to unfasten his robe and pull it away. She smiled at his blank face and began to kiss him again. He slung his branded arm across her shoulders, enjoying the feel of her for perhaps the last time.

“Lily,” he muttered down at her as she slid open his robes and began moving her lips down his chest.

She hummed an acknowledgment, her mouth continuing its exploration.

“Lily,” he began again, “I want you to know...” he drew a shaky breath as her lips found sensitive places. His eyes closed, knowing it might be the last time he would feel her tender touch. “...I love you. No matter what you hear of me. No matter what you think I’ve done, I love you. I will always...love you.”

“Mmm-love you, too,” she hummed. She pulled his robes completely off.

“I love you, Lily,” he said.

She didn’t move. He could tell she had now seen his brand, black and huge on his pale skin.

“W-what...is this?” she began in a faltering voice. He didn’t reply. “This tattoo. No, brand. It’s a brand! What the hell is this?” Her voice was quickly going from befuddlement to fury. “This…this is a Death Eater’s brand! I’ve heard everybody talking about them. You—Sev, you’ve joined them?”

No way out now. “Yes.”

“You’ve—after all we’ve—you’ve...you lied to me...made me believe I was imagining things...I can’t believe—" she sputtered.

They stared at each other, he with mingled hope and resignation, she with growing horror. With a low cry, she pushed herself away from him.

“I—I should have realized! I should have realized! All my friends wonder why I stick with you, and I’ve defended you to them. But now—now—" She was shaking. Snape feared she might return to her catatonic state, but she quivered with rage. “The Dark Lord, Sev? The Dark Arts? Haven’t I meant anything to you?”

Now at last he could be truthful. “You’ve meant everything to me.”

“But…?” she goaded.

“But…the Dark Ways are power,” he admitted reluctantly.

“So you’d rather have power than love?”

“I’ve had little power in my life, up till recently.”

She made a disgusted noise and pulled away from him. “You have plenty of power now! Go, enjoy it! But not with me.” She turned away.

He reached for her shoulder, but she shook it off. Her voice was thick when she spoke again. “Good-bye, Sev.”

He tried to stop her, but she was already running back toward the castle. Reluctantly, he let her go. He would try again later.

*
Later that night, Snape lay on the hard stone staircase of Gryffindor Tower, under the disapproving eyes of the Fat Lady. It was 2 a.m. His heart was pounding, and regret was a coppery taste in his mouth. Losing Lily was more than he could bear. He had wanted two diametrically opposed goals, and had fooled himself into thinking he could have them both. Now that he had achieved one, he realized with growing remorse that he had taken the other vastly for granted.

The portrait opened, and Lily emerged in a long night gown.

“Get up!” she said. Her face was pale, but set. “I wouldn’t have come out, but they told me you were going to sleep all night here.”

Snape scrambled to his feet. “I would—I would have done. Lily, let me explain--”

“There’s nothing else to explain. You already said it all.”

“No! I never meant to give you up, I never meant—“

“You meant to join your Death Eater friends,” she interrupted coolly. “Fine. You have done. And you lied about it, too.”

“I just wanted—"

“You can’t have me and have the Dark Lord, too,” she said with quiet finality. “You made your choice.” She turned to go back through the portrait hole.

“Wait!” he couldn’t help shouting.

She stopped and turned. He saw the fruitlessness of his effort, but couldn’t help saying his mind anyway. “Don’t go.”

She shot him a look of naked accusation and stepped back inside the portrait hole.

*

The wedding of James Potter and Lily Evans took place on a gloriously sunny day. Lily wore plain white robes, no jewelry, and flowers twined in her flaming hair. James wore dress robes in red and gold. More than 100 people attended, including a number of Muggles such as Lily’s parents and her glowering sister. Her sister was wearing an engagement ring, too—a sprinkling of microscopic gemettes suspended on a strutwork of prongs.

Somewhere in the back of the bridal tent, on one of the last folding chairs, his lanky frame hunched down, sat Severus Snape.

He sat impassive during the ceremony. Inwardly, however, he wondered how much more pain he could take. When James Potter smiled and put the ring on Lily’s finger, Snape felt a sharp stab in his chest.

After the ceremony, Lily and James mingled with the guests, while everyone talked or danced. Lily came upon Snape alone at one of the tables.

“Hello, Sev.” She smiled.

“You look lovely, Lily.” You’ll always look lovely.

“I’m so happy you could come.”

“So am I.” I couldn’t stay away, even for your wedding. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks. Well...good-bye, Sev.”

“Good-bye, Lily.” Good-bye, Lily.

*

A year later, Lily sat rocking her newborn baby. James had gone to run some errands, and she didn’t expect him back for at least an hour. Someone rapped smartly on the door.

When Lily answered it, she found Severus Snape on her doorstep. “May I come in?”

Lily put her hand near her side where her wand should have been, but it was in the next room, forgotten during all the activity that the baby required. Snape noticed the movement. “I’m just here to visit,” he said.

“A Death Eater, just to visit?”

“I’m an old friend. Can’t a friend visit?”

Lily bit her lip. Snape took out his wand slowly, trying not to startle her. Lily gave a small cry, but he held the wand out to her. “Take it. I’m just here to visit.”

After a second, she took the proffered wand and moved back to admit him. Snape stalked in. He glanced at the bassinet near the window. Lily bustled up to it, smiling and cooing.

“Did you want to see the baby then?” She lifted a small bundle from the bedding.

Snape couldn’t think of anything he wanted to see less. He kept his eyes on Lily. The red hair had darkened to brown. Her face was tired, and in the morning sun, Snape saw new lines around her eyes and mouth. She was dressed in a shapeless maternity gown, stained and wrinkled, and even its looseness could not conceal the bloat of her post-partum figure. But to his eyes, she remained beautiful. She turned to him with a smile, and his breath caught. He sat down on a nearby chair.

“What are you here for?” she asked, cuddling the baby against her neck.

Snape shrugged. “I just thought I’d…pop in. Pretend I’m not here.” When he didn’t say anything more, Lily began to go about her business. She prepared a bottle for the baby and fed him, changed him, washed laundry, and was having the laundry sort itself, when she realized that some 30 minutes must have passed. Snape rose, unfolding his long legs. He strode to the door.

Lily bustled up and handed him back his wand, looking puzzled. Without saying anything more, Snape quirked a smile in her direction, exited the door, and Disapparated.

*

“What do you mean Snape was here?” James exploded some moments later.

“Sh! You’ll wake the baby!” Lily snapped. “He’s just an old friend. He came by to visit. Hardly said a word, anyway.”

“He shouldn’t be here. He’s a Death Eater, Lily! Where’s your head?”

“Attached to my shoulders,” she said in a dangerous tone.

James backpedaled quickly. “Lily, you know what he is. He’s got no business here. Why’d you let him in?”

“He just wanted to visit, like I said,” she answered, sounding puzzled.

“I don’t want him here any more!”

“James, he is an old friend.”

“Old lover, you mean!”

“That’s all in the past. He knows that.”

“He’s just waiting to swoop in, like some bat, and—"

“James, really! You’re taking some schoolboy grudge too far!”

“I wonder,” James muttered.

“James Potter, he is an old friend. He stopped by to visit. End of story.”

“Lily—"

“End. Of. Story.”

James knew when to make a tactical retreat. He also knew what that tone of voice meant. “Very well,” he muttered with poor grace.

Somewhere far away, back at Hogwarts, Severus Snape stood outside Dumbledore’s office. His heart felt raw. He could feel scar tissue forming there, hardening him and making him harsh. But his eyes were open, watchful and observant. And his ears were open, too, hearing everything around him. He did the Dark Lord’s bidding, but now there was a place inside him that was his alone, never for the Dark Lord. He already was adept at concealing his deepest thoughts from his Master. He served just one person now: Lily Evans.

I am your servant, Lily. Now and always.

END