Up the Duff

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They were just sitting on a tombstone discussing the various attributes of hellebore versus belladonna as they pertained to various poisonous usage. (As one does.) When suddenly, Lucius Malfoy and Tom Riddle found their incorporeal forms snatched right out of the cemetery they had occupied since their deaths and summarily deposited right smack in the middle of Hogwarts with no warning whatsoever.

It happened so suddenly and forcefully that if spirits could have made a thud, they would definitely have landed with a loud one.

Lucius, always the gentleman, spoke first. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” He yelped, looking around in surprise.

“Get off of me Malfoy!” Riddle said, rudely shoving Lucius away from him.

As Lucius tumbled back and away from his former master, something exceedingly odd happened. His hand came into contact with a hall door, but instead of merely passing through it as a vaporous hand should; Lucius’s hand caused the door to swing inwards.

He and Tom simply stared at each other for a moment. “Try that again.” Tom said as he let his eyes rove the hallway of the school he had once considered home.

Hesitantly, Lucius reached out and once again pushed at the door. It didn’t swing hard, like a physical touch would have done but it definitely moved under the pressure.

Tom stepped up beside Lucius and pushed at the door using both hands. This time there was no mistaking it. The door swung in.

“Lucius.” Tom Riddle practically cackled with glee. “You know what this means don’t you?”

Lucius pushed at the door once more, just to be sure and it dutifully swayed open at his touch. A slow wicked smile spread across the blond ghost face. “Tom... we're poltergeist!”

Tom nodded his head as he looked around. “Still doesn’t explain how we got here though... or why.”

Lucius chewed on his transparent bottom lip. “I-I think it might have something to do with that devil woman.”

Tom looked confused. “You mean the one that had the coven at the wedding? What would she have to do with it?”

“I don’t know.” Lucius scowled. “I’m just telling you she had something to do with this... I can feel it.”

“You cant feel anything Lucius.” Tom helpfully pointed out. “You’re dead.”

They wandered around Hogwarts for quite awhile. Long enough to prove the theory that they were now indeed poltergeist. Although no one could seem to see them or hear them they could affect things in the physical world if they put a little muscle behind it.

“Id still like to know why were here.” Tom grumbled.

“I’m sure we’ll find out soon.” Lucius sighed. “I’m just glad we are here. It was getting bloody boring in that graveyard.”

“But why just us?” Tom questioned. “Why not James and Lily?”

“I don’t know.” Lucius was getting irritable with all the questioning.

“Well…” Tom said stubbornly. “I still want to know. Lucius…. Where are you going?”

“Lets go in here.” Lucius indicated a door they both knew well.

“And why would you want to go in there?” Tom said suspiciously.

“Just curious.” Lucius practically batted his eyelashes to get his way. They both knew damn well why he wanted to go into that particular room.

“Fine.” Tom sighed. “But I’m warning you Malfoy. No funny business. We need to find out why were here, and who brought us.”

Tom Riddle knew he had made a huge mistake the second they stepped into the room and observed Severus Snape having a cup of tea and grading some papers at his table. He heard a growl from beside him. “Malfoy!” He hissed warningly as Narcissa leaned over from the chair directly beside Snape’s and gave him a little kiss on the lips.

“I know you hate doing it, but I’m so glad you’re teaching the pregnancy class.” Riddle and Malfoy both stared at each other in confusion. SNAPE was teaching a pregnancy class? “I’m sure Harry and Draco will appreciate it.” Narcissa smiled warmly at her surly lover.

Snape sulked mightily. “You don’t fool me Sev.” Narcissa hugged the dark man close. “You’re just as excited about this baby as I am.”

“Baby?” Lucius choked.

“Just think.” Narcissa practically beamed. “Our first grandchild.”

Lucius was pretty sure if he had still possessed a heart that it would have stopped beating right then. A baby. HIS grandchild.

“Well.” Tom Riddle said softly from beside him. "I suppose that explains at least part of why we’re here.”

Lucius couldn’t hear anything over the roaring in his ears. A baby. His Draco was going to have a baby.

He turned away from the scene before him only to find Tom Riddle staring at him with such pity in his eyes that it was almost worse than seeing his wife with Severus.

He only realized that Narcissa had stopped speaking and walked out of the room when the door clicked shut loudly behind her. Rage swept through him like a tidal wave. Rage at Narcissa for being with someone who actually made her happy. Rage at Draco for having a baby that he would never know. Rage at Severus for having the nerve to treasure the things that he had so blindly taken for granted.

And finally, the rage that brought Lucius to his knees. The rage at himself because he could have been there for his son, and his wife, and his grandchild; if only he hadn’t decided that they were less important than his ambitions.

Tom knelt beside him. “I know.” He said.

“What do you know?” Lucius spat furiously.

“I know... we threw it all away.” Tom replied gently.

Lucius felt the rage drain out of him like water through a sieve. It was true. It was no ones fault but their own that they couldn’t share in this.

“We should leave.” Tom pulled Lucius to his feet. “We still need to learn a few things.”

Lucius nodded dejectedly. “Lead the way.” He said. Tom turned to leave the room when suddenly it struck him just how un-Malfoy like that statement was. Others followed. Malfoy’s lead.

Tom had only turned his back on Lucius for one second. One second I tell you! Yet, when he turned back it was to find a nastily smirking Malfoy bent over an oblivious Snape with a ominous looking vial in his hand.

Severus’s first grandchild indeed!

“Lucius!” Tom hissed as he watched his blond counterpart tip a few drops of a potion into Severus Snape’s tea cup. “What the bloody hell are you doing?”

“Calm down Tom.” Lucius grinned. “Its just a relaxation potion.”

Tom still glared at him skeptically.

“Look Tom,” Lucius said, “you know as well as I do that if anyone ever needed to relax its Severus Snape.”

It was hard to argue with that logic, but Tom was still too much of a Slytherin just to take Lucius’s
word for it. “EXACTLY, what will it do Lucius?”

“Just what I said Tom.” Lucius sighed. “It will just relax Severus so that he can be a mellow fellow for a change.”

“That had better be all it does.” Tom said threateningly.

“Oh really?” Lucius crossed his arms. “And EXACTLY what are you going to do to me if it isn’t?”

Come to think of it, that was a damn good question. When they were alive, Tom had gotten used to having power over Lucius. He had forgotten for a moment, that with them both being dead they were pretty much equals now. He really hadn’t counted on this wraithlike insubordination from Malfoy.

Tom Riddle narrowed his eyes and gave Lucius Malfoy a look that almost made his ethereal bladder quiver. “I don’t know Lucius.” Tom admitted calmly. “YET.” He smiled the most Voldermort-ish smile he could come up with considering he now had lips. “But I promise you, I WILL think of something.”

Severus took another sip of his tea as they both watched. “Oh, and Malfoy?”

“What?” Lucius asked hesitantly.

“I promise that you WONT like it.”

Since everyone at Hogwarts knew about the baby, it was decided by the faculty that the best course of action would be to have a pregnancy class and just get all of the questions and concerns out of the way at once.

In her infernal wisdom, Minerva McGonagall had decided that Severus Snape would be the perfect one to teach this particular class.

Conversation in McGonagall’s office:

Minerva: “Severus.. The students have questions. I would like for you to teach a pregnancy class for the seventh years starting today.”

Severus: “No.”

Minerva: “They just need some reassurance. Some of them think the baby will be a vampire.”

Severus: “Absolutely not.”

Minerva: “Perhaps some diagrams? To show the different trimesters.”

Severus: “Over my cold, dead body.”

Minerva: You’ll do fine.”

Severus: “I would rather rip my own veins open with my teeth....”

Minerva: “Its settled then. You can start with your last class today.”

End conversation:

Severus had to rush to get to the class on time. He had finished his tea and graded a few papers and the time had just gotten away from him completely. He cursed under his breath as he rounded the corner and burst through the door to his classroom. It wasn’t like him to be late, and he had an image to uphold.

Everyone sat up straight as a board as Snape came barreling into the classroom. He turned to face them all with a flourish. His dark eyes swept across the nervous looking faces in the class. “Well...” He said sternly, “we all know why were here so lets get started.”

Lucius nudged Tom. “See.. I told you... its just relaxed him a teeny bit.”

Tom grudgingly agreed. It didn’t seem that the potion Lucius had slipped Severus had had much affect at all.

Severus crossed the classroom to stand beside the desk that Harry and Draco were sharing for the class.

“As you all are aware,” Severus declared, “Mr. Potter-Malfoy and Mr. Malfoy-Potter are well on their way to having a baby soon.”

Severus glanced down at his Godson. “I remember when you were a baby Draco.” The potions master grinned and barely restrained himself from pinching his students cheek. “You were sooooooo cute. Mean as hell, but cute as a button.”

Suddenly realizing what he had just said, Severus shook his head to clear it. That had nothing to do with this class and he needed to stay on track. So what if the memory of a little blond cherub holding its arms out to its Unky Sevwus was giving him a warm fuzzy feeling deep in the pit of his stomach? This wasn’t the time for that.

Lucius grinned. It was true. Draco had been almost unbearably cute as a baby, but he had also been quite a little hellion.

Severus shook his head again. “A D-Duff.” He stuttered.

Tom shot Lucius a nasty look. Lucius shrugged innocently.

“Ahhhhhh yes....” Severus seemed to feel that that was a thorough enough explanation. “Any questions?”
At any rate, it was the only one he was prepared to give them at the moment so it would just have to do.

Several hands were raised around the room. Severus squinted at them all as though he had never seen them before. Finally, his gaze landed on an extremely nervous looking Neville Longbottom. “You!” He shouted triumphantly. “You have a question!”

Neville nodded as he slowly lowered his hand.

“Well... spit it out then.” Severus said as he leaned hard against the desk.

“Will the baby be a vampire?” Neville asked tentatively.

Severus smiled fondly at Neville, nearly scaring the boy half to death. “Of course not.” Severus was really feeling it now. Oh yeah. “The baby will be a normal wizard baby, just like any other wizard baby.”

“But....” Lavender Brown asked, “How is that possible with two vampires as parents... Sir?”

“Ahhhhh Miss Brown.” Severus smirked at her. “As you have probably noticed by this time... Purebloods... Bless their perverted little hearts.” He ruffled Draco’s hair affectionately. “Will fuck practically anything.” He curled his nose up in Harry’s general direction. “And I do mean ANYTHING.”

Tom Riddle was practically curled up in a ball he was laughing so hard. Lucius Malfoy sniffed haughtily.

“As such....” Severus blithely continued in front of his stunned class. “Pureblood wizards have developed certain characteristics over time to ensure the survival of their young.”

“Misters Malfoy-Potter-Potter-Malfoy-Mal... ummm you get the idea.” Severus waved his hand dismissively. “Those two!” He pointed accusingly at both Harry and Draco. “May both be vampires, but thanks to the evolutionary adaptations of pureblood wizards over the centuries to allow them to mate with practically anything...” Severus weaved a little on his feet, but still managed to look down his long nose at Harry. “And I do mean ANYTHING.”

Severus just stood there for a moment apparently lost in thought until Hermione Granger coughed loudly to get his attention and he seemed to snap out of it. “Oh yes... Where was I?”

Severus shakily leaned against Draco’s desk for support. “The baby... the baby will be a normal, ordinary wizard baby.” He patted Draco on the head again. “God knows I hope it gets your hair.”

Severus sighed loudly. “It is bound to inherit something from Potter though.” The potions master sounded as though he might actually cry at the thought.

Hermione raised her hand. “Yes Miss Gangdry?” Severus slurred.

“So.... There will be no differences in this baby and any other wizard baby then?”

“Oh, I didn’t say that.” Severus smirked. “I said it wont be a vampire.”

“I-I don’t understand Sir....” Hermione frowned.

“Physically, this baby will be like any other wizard baby.” Severus nodded. “It will live and grow into a normal wizard child, just like any other baby, and when it is time; it will get its Hogwarts letter just like any other wizard child and it will join the other children here with no visible differences between them...”

Severus smiled down at Draco “And it will take potions like every other student. Where it will either be brilliant like its birth father or...” Severus eyes seemed to glaze over. “It will be a disaster, much like its sperm donor, and blow my classroom to kingdom come.”

Sperm donor was NOT happy. As a matter of fact, it was all Draco Malfoy-Potter could do to hold sperm donor in his seat and keep sperm donor from viciously hexing their professor.

“Also....” Severus casually continued. “With the volatile combination that will come from mingling the
temperament of the Malfoy’s, and the inherit insanity of the Black bloodlines with the almost boundless magical power possessed by Potter; this child could very easily be one of the most dominant and dangerous wizards ever to exist.”

You could have heard a pin drop in the room. Except for Harry and Draco, every single one of the students looked terrified.

Lucius Malfoy was grinning from ear to ear. Tom Riddle tried really hard not to.

“Or not.” Severus giggled and swayed dangerously. “Anyway... It WONT be a vampire.”

Severus Snape passed out cold as a cucumber, happy and secure in the knowledge that he had followed Minerva’s instructions to the letter, and successfully reassured his students that there would be no baby vampires.

TBC...