Who, What and Where am I?

Title: Who, what and where am I?

Summary: ‘Severus sat down hard as he extracted his mind from Potter. This could not be happening. It couldn’t be true! Potter was a spoiled brat, selfish and self-centered! He was not ‘boy’. He couldn’t be!’

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing! JK Rowling and her Publishers owns Harry Potter and anything associated with it.

Hope you enjoy the fic and if you have any suggestions please put them in a review and I will have a look at them.

Thank you for your reviews guys!! I went through my whole story again and saw quite a few mistakes. I’ll take the time to correct the mistakes over the weekend and repost it by Monday.


Chapter 9
Light at the end of the tunnel


Severus paced restlessly in his sitting room. Potter had left his office two hours ago, right after his little revelation. The boy had not waited for any reply from his professor, be it condescending or sympathetic. Now Severus could not sleep.

He was trying to figure out a way to make these sessions with Potter easier - on himself as well as the boy. One idea had festered in his mind and would not leave. It was obvious that the boy was more than just a little uncomfortable in his presence. The fact that the boy had at least answered his question was a good thing, almost like there was still a light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately the tunnel seemed too long to be able to see the end and thus the light at the end of it.

Severus shuddered as he thought about what he was planning to do. It would not be easy, he knew that. He had never told anyone what had happened at home. Dumbledore suspected but Severus had never confided the whole truth in his mentor and friend.

The fact that he was planning on not telling but actually showing Potter some of his childhood memories made his blood run cold. He knew that the boy had lived some of the most horrible moments of his life as ‘Severus’ but this was different. This was almost like confessing everything about his horrible childhood. He knew he had a choice, that he was not forced into this. That was maybe what bothered him the most. If it had been Dumbledore whom had asked him to share this part of his life with Harry Bloody Potter he would have raged and raved but given in at the end. Now though, now it was his choice, his idea and he had no idea why he was planning on sharing this with the boy.

A part of him realized that it was as much for him as for the boy that he was doing this but he ignored that part of his mind.

No, the reason he was doing this was to stop a possible suicide from happening.

Yes, that was it. Severus had always sworn to protect his students and Potter was a student. It was his job to protect the boy. Nothing else.

Decision made, Severus retrieved his pensieve and sat down on his couch. Thirty minutes later he had a pensieve full of memories and a headache to show for it.

When Potter arrived for his next ‘session’, Severus would explain his new plan and they would enter his pensieve.

Severus mentally prepared himself for the conversation he would initiate with the boy. He would start out small, little details and then encourage the boy to talk about his own experience. They would work through the memories and talk about everything that troubles the boy. If everything goes well he would encourage the boy to extract his own memories so that they could deal with them in the same way as with Severus’s.

He just hoped that he would be able to go through with this new plan. He was not really sure that he was ready to face his own demons yet.


*------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*


Harry had been skeptic about returning to his Professor’s office that night.

The topic of conversation the previous night had been a bit much for Harry and he was afraid that tonight would be the same. He couldn’t talk about what had happened. To relive those days would be admitting that it had actually happened to him. That he had lived a week as ‘Severus Snape’ and that he really had lost his innocence before he even really knew what the word meant.

But, he wasn’t a Gryffindor for nothing. Squaring his shoulders and pushing all the nervous energy running through him to the back of his mind, Harry made his way towards the dungeons.

Snape stood waiting for him behind his desk. Harry felt dread building up from the pit of his stomach. The Professor was looking at him with such seriousness that Harry had to concentrate hard on NOT looking at his feet.

“There is a door to close that huge gap in the wall Potter, it’s not necessary for YOU to stand there and try to fill that gap. You’re not succeeding in that endeavor.”

Harry took the ‘hint’ and closed the door behind him as he stepped into the office.

Snape beckoned him closer and Harry got his first clear look at the table his Professor was standing behind.

A big ‘bowl’ with silvery liquid stood in the middle of said table and Harry felt the dread which had built in him multiply ten fold.

A Pensieve.

A Pensieve which was apparently filled with memories.

Snape’s memories if the expression on the man’s face was anything to go by.


*--------------------------------------*


“I see you recognize what this is Mr Potter. Where might I ask have you encountered one before?”

Harry swallowed with great difficulty before replying.

“I er…. fell in Professor Dumbledore’s pensieve last year.”

Snape snorted in a very un-snapish way and Harry knew that the Professor had figured out what had happened.

“Your curiosity will one day get you killed Potter, and your Professor’s won’t always be there to save you.”

The boy nodded in acknowledgement and Severus repressed a sigh as he realized the time for small talk was over.

“We will enter this pensieve together Potter. These are memories of my childhood. You will speak of this to no-one but me, is that clear?”

The boy nodded and Severus stretched out a hand to grab the boy’s wrist.

Potter flinched ever so slightly and Severus squashed any lingering thoughts about ‘staying’ while Potter went in alone.

The boy would not survive those memories alone.

Severus leaned over the bowl and touched the silver liquid with his wand. Both he and the boy literally fell into the pensieve but any grunts of displeasure were forgotten as the sound of a terrified scream reached their ears.


*--------------------------------------------*


Harry could only watch in horror as was looked like a five year old Snape was choked by the obstruction of a huge cock.

He immediately recognized the elder Snape and couldn’t help but wince as the young boy was held down while his father shoved his big cock in the boy’s mouth. The elder Snape’s hands were roving over the young boy. The small cock was brutally squeezed in a fist but no matter how much pressure or friction was applied, it stayed limp.

The first few memories were basically the same. It went no further than ‘oral stimulation’ or hand jobs.

Harry jumped as he felt a hand on his elbow. He’d forgotten about the presence of the older Severus Snape.

“He did the same to you didn’t he?” The voice was soft, as if the Professor didn’t want to disturb the people in the memory itself.

Harry choked on a sob that wanted to escape. He couldn’t do this. Couldn’t talk about it.

He made as if to turn around but the hand on his elbow stayed him.

“What did you feel when he did that to you Potter? Did you feel dirty? Disgusting? Like a freak?”

A sob did escape this time. “YES!! I felt dirty. Feel dirty! He was on me, in me, around me! I couldn’t get off. Couldn’t get out. I tried! I really did!”

Tears were streaming down his cheeks unchecked.

“I know. You felt as if you would never be clean again. That what happened could have been prevented. That you should have done more. Didn’t you? Don’t you?”

Harry slid down to the floor as his body wracked with sobs.

“Look at me Potter.”

The voice was still soft but it had a certain quality to it that compelled Harry to look up.

Snape was still standing beside him but his eyes were on the two people in the memory.

“Look at the young boy. Look at the older man. He’s three times the size of the boy. He has a weight advantage. He has advantage of height but most importantly, he is the adult in the room.”

Harry did as asked and looked towards the bed.

The contrast was quite apparent. A fully grown man trapping a young boy and forcing him to do things he clearly didn’t want to do.

“There was absolutely no way that that young boy could have done anything in that situation. He was young, small and totally dependent of an adult figure. He looked up to and respected adults. He was taught from the crib that he had to do what adults told him to do. You were taught to respect and obey adults. When you know nothing but what you’re taught from your relatives, how could you act any differently? You know nothing about disobeying as that is expressly forbidden.”

Harry sat there on the floor. The moans he could still hear from the memory was nothing but a whisper as he listened to his professor.

“Do you blame that little boy for not standing up to his father? Do you think he was wrong in obeying?”

The way Snape spoke was so wrong.

It was as if the professor was speaking about another little boy.

Someone else being abused and violated.

“No sir. You could have done nothing else. Your father is the one in the wrong sir. He should never have done that to you. The adults in our lives should set an example. The example he set you was as wrong as it could get. ‘Sonny’ did the only thing he knew how, he obeyed. You obeyed your father because that is what you knew. You did nothing wrong. The only thing you could have done different was finding someone to talk to about it. But now you did. Now you do.”

Harry finished softly and looked back to the bed on the opposite side of the room.

He felt his heart break for that little boy. He knew deep down that this ‘session’ with Snape helped him as much as it did the Professor and for the first time in weeks he could see the light again.


End Chapter 9

I must confess that I myself have a lump in my throat. Hope it didn’t progress too quickly.

The pensieve memories are not finished yet. I’ll try to have the next chapter up by tomorrow.

What did you think?

Review please!!!