Paternity

Part Nine
Test

Madame Pomfrey sighed heavily as she took the cup of tea from Snape. \"Well, Professor, I have to admit that it has me stumped. I\'ve tested him for everything that I can imagine, and it\'s none of those. I\'ve managed to eliminate a lot of nasty possibilities, but I haven\'t been able to discover what it IS. I\'m afraid I\'ll have to go to Dumbledore, and see about calling in a specialist. I hate to do it--Ron keeps insisting that no one else be troubled, but...\"

\"The boy is in no position to make those sorts of decisions for himself,\" said Snape firmly. \"He\'s still underage, and we are acting in loco parentis. We have to do what we feel is best for him.\" Snape seated himself on the other side of the table. They were alone in the teacher\'s lounge.

\"Yes, I understand that,\" said Pomfrey. \"But Ron is so insistent that I want to be sure the step is necessary. While he has some odd symptoms, he isn\'t in any distress now. I couldn\'t find anything unusual in my examination. Well, aside from a bit of tenderness in his chest, but as he said, that could be due to the extra physical activity.\"

Snape considered this. \"This tenderness--are you sure that it\'s muscular, and not located in the nipple area?\"

Madame Pomfrey blushed alarmingly. \"Professor!\"

\"Pomfrey! You\'re a medical professional, you know very well that you can\'t afford to be missish when it comes to describing symptoms. I swear, this overblown delicacy when it comes to matters of sexuality is infuriating. How can we expect the children to even know if they\'re putting themselves at risk if we refer to the genitalia as \'down there\'? Down bloody WHERE? We\'ll have some of the first years thinking that we\'re talking about their feet, and won\'t THAT give them an interesting take on sex?\"

Madame Pomfrey cleared her throat. \"It does not appear to be a deep muscular ache, though now that you mentioned it, I believe that there is a very little bit of swelling, and... and...\" She was turning pink.

\"And?\"

\"Well, you know that it isn\'t the first time Ron\'s been in the infirmary. He\'s not as accident prone as the poor Longbottom boy, but he has his share. If I remember correctly, his nipples have changed color slightly. You know how fair he is. They should be pink, but they\'re more rose now.\"

Snape looked thoughtful, tapping a finger on his chin. Snape was thinking. *Darkened, tender nipples, nausea, fainting... and exposure to not only an aphrodisiac, but a fertility plant. Oh, bloody hell. Weasley, what have you gotten yourself into now? I have to be sure.*

\"Does this mean something to you, Professor?\"

\"It might, but I can\'t say for sure. I want to make a test of my own. Will you agree to hold off telling Dumbledore till I have?\"

\"How long will it be?\"

Snape stood. \"I need to go to the nearest Muggle town, but I should know by later this evening.\"

She nodded. \"All right, as long as there\'s no other symptoms, I can wait till tomorrow. But if Ron worsens...\"

\"Of course you\'ll act immediately--I understand. Now, if you\'ll excuse me, I need to go locate the most convenient place to go by floo.\" As he left, he thought, *I\'ll need one close to a Muggle druggist.*

That evening

Ron was staring up at the ceiling. Well, he WOULD have been staring up at the ceiling, except for the fact that he refused to pull the sheet down off his face. \"Oh, come on, Ron.\" Harry had pulled a chair up beside the bed and was sitting beside it. \"It couldn\'t have been that bad.\"

\"She stuck a finger in my bum, Harry.\"

\"Well, if you\'ll remember, I...\"

\"I don\'t fancy her, and she wasn\'t trying to give me a stiffie. At least I hope to God she wasn\'t, because her technique really leaves something to be desired if she was. Anyway, it\'s two entirely different things, and you know it, you snot.\" Ron sighed so gustily that the sheet lifted a little. \"I have never been so humiliated in my entire life.\"

Harry couldn\'t help grinning. \"Not even when your Mum showed me that picture of you bare arsed on the bearskin rug? When your image turned over on his back and piddled, I thought you were going to melt down into a puddle.\"

\"That\'s number two on the list of Moments When I\'d Have Preferred Death. This is the topper.\"

\"Will you take down that sheet? I want to look at you when I talk to you.\"

\"No. I\'ve decided that I\'m never showing my face again. I\'ll just have someone sew this sheet into a robe for me--one with little eyeholes so I can see where I\'m going.\" Harry reached out and quickly jerked the sheet down. \"Will you please leave me in peace so that I can quietly die of embarrassment?\"

\"Stop it. You know good and well it was necessary. We have to find out what\'s going on, Ron. You could be really ill.\" His voice lowered as he took Ron\'s hand. \"I can\'t have that. You have to stay well for me.\"

Ron squeezed Harry\'s hand. \"You\'ve got to stop worrying.\" He frowned. \"I feel odd, yeah, but I don\'t really fill SICK.\" He shrugged. \"Can\'t explain it, but there it is.\"

Harry reached out and brushed a lock of Ron\'s hair off his forehead. \"You\'re hair certainly is bright against the pillowcase.\"

Ron snorted, but the sound was pleased. \"Trying to chat me up? It isn\'t as if you\'ve never seen my hair on a pillowcase.\"

\"Yeah, but usually the lights are dim, and here...\"

\"Company,\" Ron said quietly, and Harry sat back quickly.

Snape had entered the room, carrying a small paper bag. \"Potter. How are you feeling, Weasley?\"

\"Fine as paint. This is a load of rubbish, you know. Weasley\'s are healthy as horses--all of us,\" said Ron.

\"That\'s as may be, but we aren\'t going to take a chance.\"

\"But Pomfrey didn\'t find anything wrong with me.\"

\"She may not have been looking for the right thing.\"

Harry frowned. \"What\'s that supposed to mean?\"

\"It me Pot Potter, that sometimes when you hear hoof beats it isn\'t a horse--it\'s a unicorn. There\'s one more test I\'d like to make before we call in a specialist, and your parents, Weasley.\"

\"I\'m tested out,\" Ron complained. Snape stared at him. He sighed gustily. \"If this comes out all right, will yromiromise not to bother my parents?\"

\"No, but you can rest assured that I WILL call them if you refuse.\"

\"Fine. Marvelous. What do I have to do? Stand on my head and whistle \'God Save The Queen\'?\"

\"You must not be feeling to badly if you have enough nerve to snark like that when you know what I could do to your house\'s chances next term. Nothing that elaborate.\" Snape pulled a small box from the bag. \"All you have to do is give me a urine sample.\"

Ron\'s brow wrinkled in curiosity, but Harry gaped. \"You have to be joking!\"

\"What\'s wrong?\" asked Ron. \"It sounds simple enough. Certainly more comfortable and less embarrassing than what Pomfrey did this afternoon.\"

\"Ron, that\'s an EPT!\" Harry protested.

\"A what?\"

Harry shook his head. \"It... it\'s Muggle science, Ron.\" He took a deep breath. \"EPT stands for Early Pregnancy Test. Women use it when they think they might have a bun in the oven.\" Harry glared at Snape. \"I know you don\'t like us, but really, this is insulting.\"

\"Potter, if I wanted to insult you both I could do it in a much more subtle manner. If I didn\'t think this was deadly serious, it would smack of farce,\" said Snape. \"You don\'t have all the information--neither of you do.\"

Ron said slowly, \"Let me get this straight--you want to test me for pregnancy?\" Snape nodded. Ron cleared his throat. \"Um, Snape? I know I\'m the the butchest boy on campus, but I promise you that isn\'t a possibility--ask my Mum. She changed my nappies enough to know what sort of equipment I have.\"

\"And I don\'t see why you have to have THAT,\" Harry flicked a finger at the offending box. \"Isn\'t there some sort of charm or spell you can do to find out?\"

\"No, there isn\'t. As much as it galls me to admit it, there are some things that the Muggles can do that we haven\'t yet been able to accomplish. One of these is the early detection of pregnancy, and don\'t think I\'m not damn indignant about it. You\'d think that they\'d be funding research into that rather than trying to perfect an herbal \'marital aid\'.\" The ironic twist of the last two words spoke volumes about Snape\'s opinion of that. \"Weasley, just take the bloody test. If it\'s negative, then we can all forget this. I, personally, intend to resign it to the status of a particularly nasty nightmare. But if it\'s positive... Well, if it is, ttherthere\'s a knot of problems that have to be addressed.\"

\"What the hell,\" Ron muttered. \"It isn\'t as if I actually have anything to worry about. How do I do this?\"

Snape opened the box. \"I read the instructions. Pomfrey must have a bed urinal around here somewhere.\"

\"I hate those things,\" said Ron. \"They\'re always cold. Give me the thing and I\'ll take it in the lav.\"

\"No. In this case, we need to be as accurate as possible,\" Snape had opened the bedside cabinet. He removed a handled jug that had a bend in the neck. \"Use this, and I\'ll pour a bit out into this specimen cup.\"

\"Oh, give it here!\" Ron took the jug, grumbling, and pulled the sheet up around his chest again. \"You\'re just lucky that you came when you did. I was just about to go pee, and I wouldn\'t have been able to manage a drop if I had.\" He fumbled under the covers, then went still. All three waited. Ron scowled. \"I must have bleedin\' stage fright.\" He looked down, and apparently shook himself. \"Come on, you! Let\'s get this over with.\" After a moment there was a hissing sound, and a light pattering, and Ron\'s expression relaxed a little.

After a moment Ron carefully pulled the jug out and handed it to Snape. Harry waited for some snide comment, or an expression osgust, bt, but Snape made neither. He calmly poured some of the pungent yellow fluid into the cup, then handed the jug to Harry. \"Potter, dispose of that.\" Harry thought of protesting, but one look at Ron\'s tensed face quieted him. He quickly hurried to the lavatory at the end of the infirmary and disposed of the urine, then rinsed the jug and hurried back.

He returned to find Snape holding his watch in one hand, and a small plastic stick in the other. Harry sat on the edge of Ron\'s bed, and patted his friend\'s knee encouragingly. \"You\'re going to laugh about this some day, Ron, but I wouldn\'t mention it to Fred or George if I were you.\"

Ron laughed thinly. \"Y\'think I WANT to be the first wizard on record to be teased to death?\"

They fell quiet again. Snape\'s eyes were fixed firmly on his watch, he seemed to be ignoring the stick. Ron said, \"So, what are you looking for?\"

\"The positive sign is a blue plus-sign.\"

\"Anything yet?\"

\"It\'s only been a minute and a half, Weasley.\"

They waited. Snape blinked, and one eyebrow rose slowly. He handed the stick to Ron. *That\'s it,* thought Harry. *He can\'t bear to admit that he was so ridiculously wrong. He\'s going to just not talk about it, not mention it...* Ron threw the stick across the room. It clattered hollowly against the far wall. \"Ron! What...?\" Ron had covered his face with his hands, and was shaking hisd sid silently. Harry looked to Snape, but the older man was silent, his expression grave, and... *No scorn, no irritation.* Harry suddenly felt cold. If he had to put a name to that expression, it would have been compassion, and that scared him badly.

He rushed over and picked up the test stick. His hand trembled as he brought it up, and stared at it. Harry pulled off his glasses, rubbing his eyes fiercely, then polishing the spectacles on his robe. He donned them and studied the stick again. It hadn\'t changed. The tiny blue plus sign almost seemed to glow.