The Phantom of Idiocy

Hermione had been nervous about detention all day. Having been quite distracted, she managed to accidentally transfigure Harry into a dildo. Afterwards, none of the class was able to put him right, because McGonagal had snatched the item up, hiding it in her desk drawer for later use. Later, in Charms, Hermione cursed Ron with an impotency curse, which could only be cured by sexual relations with a hippogriff. Buckbeak was more than happy to oblige him, although Ron seemed less enthusiastic about it.

Things had gotten even worse by dinner. Hermione had stopped by the kitchens on her way to the Great Hall to do her weekly routine check up on the happiness of the house elves (which lowered considerably upon her entrance). She absentmindedly spilled a flask of a strong aphrodisiac potion in the Ravenclaw’s soup. Dumbledore’s eyes had twinkled a little too brightly at the raucous display of wild sex atop the Ravenclaw House table. An aroused and interested student was so rare a sight these days…

And now, as Hermione stands in front of the dungeon door she is not any more eager about what awaits her on the other side. \"Enter,\" Snape growls from within.

Hermione enters, looking timid and a little afraid. \"Ah Miss Granger, a back to back detention, is it? Well, Madame Pomfrey seems to have run out of her supply of headache potion. I need you to brew up a new batch…which shouldn’t be too difficult a job for you, although it does require some thought.\"

Snape sneered at her sharp intake of breath. Thinking during detention? How unexpected and cruel!

\"…Unless you can think of something…harder…that requires your hot, wet attention…\" Snape adds.

Hermione stares at him in confusion. Snape rolls his eyes, \"Well then, just get on with the potion then.\"

\"Is this what I’ll be doing for the whole detention, sir?\" She asks.

\"Oh I don’t know…maybe I can come up with a better use for your more hidden, curvy talents later.\"

Hermione shrugs and begins to brew. She watches the potion as it begins to simmer, knowing she has a good hour before the next ingredient has to be added. Snape suddenly stands and tells Hermione he has to go get something from his private quarters and will be back later.

A voice suddenly echoes through the vents. \"Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor…\" Hermione couldn’t help but be enticed by this gorgeous voice and becomes sexually excited just from realizing it was her Phantom of the Venting System come to visit her. Unable to resist his sexy charm, she follows the voice out of the potions room and through a series of complicated corridors she has never seen before.

\"Grasp it, sense it trumulous and tender. Turn your face away from the garish light of day, turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light,\" the Phantom continues until Hermione reaches his cave-like pit of a room. She swims through his stupid lake to reach where he is standing on the shore, looking dramatic and sexy. She curses her wet robes, but is so desperate to get near him that she doesn’t really care about how cold and uncomfortable she is.

As she steps out of the water, the Phantom admires the way her robes cling to her curves and show off her delicious, hard nipples. \"And listen to the music of the night…Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams, purge your thoughts of the world you knew before,\" he sings as Hermione throws her arms around her neck and looks up at him expectantly. Why won’t he stop singing and fucking kiss me? Hermione wonders.

\"Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soooooooooooooar…and you’ll live as you never lived before…\" he finishes dramatically and pulls her into a deep, passionate kiss. Hermione finds herself growing more and more excited as this dark, mysterious man trails kisses across her neck.

Just when she feels herself ready to orgasm out of sheer delight, a man enters the room. \"Severus, m’boy!\" screams Albus from across the lake, \"I have something I need to tell you. Oh hello Hermione, m’boy…erm, m’dear!\"

\"Goddamn this fucking lake,\" the headmaster continues, \"Do I really have to swim across it?\" As the old man wades out into the water, his robes gather up around his midriff, making it hard for him to swim. As he advances further, past waters where his feet cannot reach the floor, his beard floats around him. The mass of gray hair begins to entangle itself and adds to the ridiculous oddity of his display. As he goes further, he begins a doggy paddle and advances at the slowest of paces, kicking and splashing more than necessary with his bare legs and old, wrinkled hands. Once he finally reaches the shore, he shakes himself off like a dog. \"Buaoteijaeiohgaoehrwuehtadgjkhr\" he yells as he shakes the water off himself.

\"Headmaster,\" The phantom says, exasperated, \"You’re a wizard…You could have evaporated the lake, or levitated yourself, or done any number of things to avoid swimming.\"

\"Fuuuuuuck,\" he says, \"I always forget! Well, anyways, Severus, m’boy, I took this highly random opportunity to inform you of a new marriage law that the Ministry of Magic has just passed. It states that every pureblood wizard, preferably middle aged, due to recent and unfortunate inbreeding incidents resulting in an increased number of squib babies, must marry and conjugate on a regular basis with a young, muggleborn witch.\"

The water was soaking into Hermione’s dress and she stares at the Phantom, starting to understand. \"Thought you ought to know,\" Dumbledore says, \"Nice mask, by the way. You look very cute. Who made it? Great mould, great mould indeed. Anyway, I best be off.\" Dumbledore gets back into the lake and begins to doggy paddle away.

\"Professor? Is that really you?\" Hermione whispers, aghast.

Snape, ashamed, removes the mask from his face slowly. Before Hermione can say anything, Dumbledore yells, \"Fuuuuuuck, I did it again!\" from the other side of the lake, \"And these were my best robes! I was going to visit Harry in these!\"

Rolling his eyes, Snape steps back in an attempt to hide his massive hard on. \"Ahem,\" he says awkwardly, \"So…that Albus…had some pretty interesting news, eh?\"

\"Yes,\" Hermione replies, \"Whoever could I possibly marry? I did always promise Mom that the first boy I snogged would be the one I married and it would be best if I honored the words of my poor, poor, dead dentist mother…\" Hermione gazes up at Snape, who is readying himself to pull her into a passionate kiss.

Just then, Ron and Harry burst into the room. \"Oy ‘Mione, mate,\" Ron says, \"Hermy…The Hermster! H-Grange! H to the Izzle!\"

\"WHAT?!?!\" Hermione screams, exasperated, it was quite frustrating to keep up a dialogue across a lake.

\"Well erm…this new marriage law’s been passed…and we were thinking…\"

\"You? Thinking?\" Snape interrupted, scoffing.

\"Shut up Professor Snape! You have a small penis!\" Harry says.

\"Anyway,\" Ron continues, \"We were thinking…you could marry me!\" He says this while holding Harry’s hands and looking into his eyes, making it clear to his lover that this is what is necessary to save the wizarding world.

Hermione looks flattered at the offer. \"Why Ron, what a kind offer…\" At this, Ron is mysteriously struck by lightning for his insolence of intervening in the crucial plotline of this story.

Harry looks as though he would speak, but thinks better of it. \"Err…I’m going to go find Ginny,\" he says and sprints out the door, \"I’m just a halfblood anyway!\"

\"So,\" Hermione says, \"Will you marry me then?\"

\"You lovesick slut!\" He cries violently, pushing her away, \"You think that a poking hard on in your back, which you imagined, my desperate and weird behavior of pouring boiling love potion on myself, my out of character passionate kiss, my seductive singing voice, and my elaborate plan to lure you into the bowels of the dungeon to make sweet love to you mean that I would want to marry you? I see no proof here that I have ever shown any interest in your whatsoever! Get out! Five trillion points from Gryffindor for being so fucking presumptous!\"

Hermione elegantly dives like a swan into the lake and freestyles away, thankful that the cold, harsh water hides the disappointed and embarrassed tears that stream down her face.