The Tempest

The Tempest


By: Max

[Disclaimer: see chapter 1]

Chapter 10: Raven - 1998-2003


Magical Register of Students to attend
Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, Scotland
Year of birth: 1998

Date of birth: February 1, 1998
Name: Allegra Roxane Dumbledore
Gender: Female
Father: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Mother: Narcissa Black

Diary of Severus Snape, Potion Master
Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft
Scotland, February 3, 1998

Congratulations, Narcissa! Should I ever see you again, I’ll have to pay you a compliment: You’re a true Slytherin and we can only be glad that it was your idiot of a late husband who joined the dark lord and not you. With you at his side the dark lord would by now probably rule the world. Your talent in strategy, planning and cunning is really remarkable. After half a year of hunting you I’m willing to admit: You’re too good for me.

Merlin’s genitals, Narcissa, one thing I’ll never understand: Why are you clever enough to trick me every time I think I’m to get you, but at the same time so entirely stupid to run away? Of course Albus was livid when he learned by the trial that you were pregnant (though I still wonder why he didn’t notice earlier. I learned it the night I had to smuggle you out of Hogwarts. The way you protected your belly - it was so obvious for every one who’s not blind!). But you should have known him better than to think he would never forgive you. First: A not too small part of his rage wasn’t directed against you, but against himself for not noticing and of course, for getting you in this mess. He’s the one who did the “A gentle wizard is supposed to not think with his penis” speech four times a year - though I don’t think he’ll do it this year gain. Our fifth year boys would probably grin from one ear to the other if Albus would try to tell them about the importance of using contraceptus charms. Yet our girls find the entire story “romantic”. The great Albus Dumbledore becoming so “overwhelmed” by love and passion - even if he’d admitted his undying love to her in the middle of the hall he wouldn’t have become so much of a “tragic hero” with so much witches drooling over him. Since the article in the “Daily Prophet” in which Skeeter wrote about Narcissa’s great exit we haven’t had one meal without at least three or four owls, carrying purple and pink letters, sailing through the hall to Albus. Obviously scoring a goal makes a man very desirable - it seems that half of the witches in Great Britain want to comfort and/or to marry Albus now.

Only the one he would want to marry doesn’t send an owl.

Which leads me to my second part in my speech for Narcissa who probably never will hear it: Albus, dear Narcissa, knows for himself - he told me so more then once since the trial - that he didn’t give you many chances to tell him before you went to court. You hardly saw him in those days and he understands that you didn’t feel for telling. So he surely wouldn’t have bitten your head off. He’d probably shout and ranted for a minute - and then he’d taken you in his arms and half one hour later he would have probably started to drive you crazy with clucking and fussing and making up the nursery.

Oh, Narcissa, how less do you know the man you say you love! He didn’t care a tiny, fucking damn about the “scandal” and if Fudge or the governors would have dared to say a single word about it, Albus would have blown them through the walls. “Has to be a saint” (or “a bigot idiot”) is not part of the job description for Hogwarts’ Headmaster. For him it’s the same as for teachers in Hogwarts - and to this subject he uses to say: “As long as you restrict your love life of sex with adult partners who give their consent and as long as you don’t shag them in front of our students, it’s not my business.”

You are adult, you certainly gave your consent and I can’t remember you were seen shagging in front of students. So for heaven’s sake, where is your problem? That you were cheating on Lucius? My, Narcissa - even prudish Minerva McGonagall doesn’t hold this against you! She’d have probably lent you - no, not her husband - but her bed for doing so! She even expressed sympathy with you after she learnt how bad Lucius treated you. She would have liked to welcome you with open arms in Hogwarts.

And with giving Albus what he had always wished for - a ly -ly - you would have got not only the acceptance of his staff, but their affection and adoration too. They love him - tiresome as he can be.

Why did you run away? And where, the hell, are you? As Albus showed me the register - and the Gods damn you, Narcissa! You should have seen his face by doing so! Even I - and I’m as hard boiled as hard boiled can go - fought against tears by looking into his sad eyes! - I thought: “Now I’ve got you!”

Draco and I had been so sure you would give birth in Rome. You always loved the city, you have a friend there - and even if dear Persephone says she wouldn’t know where you are until she’s blue in the face, I won’t believe her.

I spent an entire night in Rome and I’m sure: I’ve seen every child who was born there on February 1. I could probably offer my services as a specialist for the paternity charm now because I’ve screened a hundred babies in one night. But none of them was Allegra Roxane Dumbledore.

Where are you, Narcissa? And where’s the baby?

Letter from: Mother Maria Desiderata from the Holy Cross
To Albus Dumbledore
Sisterhood of Good Faith
Connemara, Ireland, August 12, 1998

Dear Mister Dumbledore,

My name is Sister Maria Desiderata from the Holy Cross and I’m the Mother Superior of the Sisterhood of Good Faith. Our order’s special duty is to help women in distress and that is the reason I am writing this letter to you.

A few days ago a young woman came to our convent and asked for my help. She had her baby and this beautiful, amazing owl with her and she told me that she had sworn to give her child to its father as soon as it wouldn’t need to be breastfed anymore. Now this time has come and for the reason the poor young lady didn’t want to tell me, she asked me to write this letter and to send it using the owl. She also asked me and my sister to take care of the child - a lovely girl named Allegra Roxane - until you would come to get it.

Feeling how desperate the young lady was I promised her to do so. So she left the girl and a letter for you with us and left this morning.

Although we aren’t in the habit of inviting men to our convent, I think the circumstances make for an exception. So if you will knock at our door and ask for me, I’ll see you and get you your daughter.

Gloria in excelsis Deo.
Mother Maria Desiderata

Letter from Narcissa Black
To Albus Dumbledore
Nunnery of the Sisters of Good Faith,
Connemara, Ireland, August 1998

Beloved Albus,

I don’t know if I’m still allowed to address you like that, but it is how I feel so I dare to write it.

Here is your daughter, Albus: Allegra Roxane. I have promised I’d send her to you as soon as she doesn’t need my milk anymore, but I didn’t know how hard it would be. I only can do so because I know you are better for her than I ever could be and because I know you will love her not only because she is your child, but because she’s the person she is.

And yes, Albus, Raven - as I nicknamed her for her ha is is already a character of her own with likings and disliking and in developing them she made me very happy because she showed me every blissful day we spent together, that she is your child. She smiles like you and she loves sweets as much as you do and when she’s unhappy about something, she wrinkles her forehead like you. She sleeps like you - from her first day on she made never fists like Draco did, but always had her hands open like you. And like you she isn’t afraid of heights - when you hold her over your head she’ll start to giggle and scream in joy.

Now, she doesn’t need my milk anymore, her favourite food is banana and rice pudding. Her appetite is very healthy and she becomes pretty excited when she isn’t fed quickly enough. She doesn’t like cereals much, but she needs them, so one must force her to eat it.

Sleeping is sometimes a bit of a problem for her. She’s a very vivid girl and she likes company and she tends to overdo herself. Then she can’t find any sleep and starts crying. The best way to handle it is to get her a very regular schedule and time to come to rest after her bath - she loves bathing very much, but you will learn that she’s able to float an entire bathroom, tiny as she is.

I could write inches about her, but I think you’ll learn rather soon who Raven is and how she wants to be treated. I only hope you’ll find enough time to be with her - she deserves it and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.

I know that I did wrong by you and I know how disappointed you are. But I know too, that you’re a kind and noble man and therefore I beg you to tell Raven one day that I didn’t leave her because I didn’t want her, but because I love her so much I don’t want her in the darkness too. I know for sure: You will help her to become as bright as you.

From the “Daily Prophet” I learned that you are Draco’s legal guardian now. I’m very grateful for that. Please tell him that I love and miss him.

Narcissa

********************************
1999

Letter from Albus Dumbledore
To Draco Malfoy
Dumbledore Hall, Yorkshire
January 8, 1999

Dear boy,

your little sister just decided to do something unexpected again - meaning she truly and really fell asleep for an afternoon nap - and the little time I’ll get from that I want to use to thank you for the card. Raven and I were delighted about, only that my enthusiasm didn’t go as far as hers. I didn’t try to eat it, but looked at the picture from the rather idyllic landscape and the slowly falling snow and thought about spending some time there in the company of “a friend”. But then my eyes fell on your “uncle Severus” - I consider he’s “a friend” to me - who snored open mouthed and with his hands folded over his belly (a few weeks more in acting as Raven’s taster and he can’t say anything about my pot belly anymore because he’s getting a rather round one himself) and despite my affection for him, I really couldn’t imagine I’d like to have him as company in doing “long, peaceful strolls through the winter forest”. And even with using my rather well developed imagination I couldn’t believe that you were to walk with Mister Zabini, talking about the meaning of our being, the sense of life and the content of your sister’s nappies (Severus says the last is about what I’m talking most of the time and he doesn’t let a chance slip to remind me that even I wouldn’t be able to declare this as “high philosophy”. Thinking about this statement I wonder. Severus seems to become soft. In former times he was always trying to convince me that “high philosophy” is something like what I find in Raven’s nappies at least three times a day. And yes, I really didn’t know such a tiny child can produce so much of that stuff. Her digestion is contra proving the transfiguration thesis that matter changes its form, but not its amount).

Back to the subject: Considered what you wrote about the “idyllic landscape” and the long walks I was prepared to receive the visit of your “friend’s” parents yesterday in the evening and as you and Miss Weasley certainly will learn with relief: I survived not only infuriated Molly Weasley’s tirade about “How could you?” (Me? Old, weary me? I actually didn’t encourage you - and not only because you wouldn’t have needed any encouragement but because you didn’t ask me!) And “What’s if the boy seduces my daughter?” (only between you and me: If “the boy” does and shows by doing so that he didn’t learn from my bad example I will personally provide him with a deflating charm lasting so long he’ll still suffer with it when the product of his forgetfulness will enter Hogwarts!), but even Arthur Weasley’s 121 attempts to but my buts like “But Albus, Ginny is only 16” (sometimes I wonder: Will my memory have suffered so much too when Raven will be 17? I still remember what I did when I was 17 and I remember too what Arthur did at this age and even if I didn’t remember: Even my arithmancy skills are good enough I could figure out what Molly Weasley - the 45 year old mother of 28 year old Charlie - did when she was Ginevra’s age) and “But Albus, you must understand - we are parents, we worry”.

Admittedly I must say the biggest part of my rescue I don’t have to thank my social skills, but your sister’s smile. She managed to bewitch Molly entirely and after one hour of mollycoddling and delighted cries (“Isn’t she the cutest baby alive?” and “Oh, Albus, she’s so lovely!” and “Actually this little beauty doesn’t look like you”) and with Severus already looking as if he’d got a rather severe toothache - you know how much he likes the enthusiasmut tut the baby - the Weasleys left us with saying that

1. I would understand their worries as soon as Raven becomes Ginevra’s age and were with a young man like you. I actually don’t think I’m to make such a fuss. Not as long as I can handle a wand and curse the culprit.

2. That I am to talk “seriously” with you.

So, as your legal guardian and “almost father” I have to tell you that …


(Please, insert the usual speech here. And if you don’t know how it goes, bring your sorry butt to Professor McGonagall and tell her that you spent your winter break with her prefect. I’m sure you’ll get the usual speech then.)

On a more serious note: I’m afraid we’ve lost track of your mother again. You know Severus could follow her from Connemara to Dublin to Copenhagen, but from there she obviously didn’t apparate - or she did it so far away from her first apparition point our tracking charms didn’t work anymore. The small hope we set in the imatimation from Norway is gone now too - Alastor Moody was there for 14 days and he is now the proud owner of a Norway order because the wand he tracked was not your mothers, but another one from this Bulgarian wand maker which belongs to a potion master who sold abortion potions and drugs to muggles.

As good as it is to have caught him - I’d rather liked Alastor to have found your mother. Yet I become more and more afraid that she’d left our world and as hard as I find to accept that on the one hand - because our chances to get in contact with her in the muggle world I hold for very small - as glad I’m on the other hand. If we aren’t able to find her - knowing not only her habits, favourite places and friends, but the signature of her wand too, Tom Riddle and his followers won’t be able to find her either. So she is at least safe. This is a comfort.

At least one couldn’t say my proposals wouldn’t make a deep impression. The only woman I ever wanted to marry found this reason enough to disappear from our world. Perhaps I should work on that. With Umbridge as a guinea pig - and I’m sure no one except Fudge would mind if she would run away - I could perhaps improve so much my victims wouldn’t only leave our world, but the planet earth?

Looking forward to propose to a certain Tom Riddle
Your tired, old, “almost father” (as you so nicely put it)
Albus



Letter from Draco Malfoy and Ginevra Weasley
To Albus Dumbledore
St. Johann in Tyrol/Austria
January 10, 1999

[Lines from Draco Malfoy are marked with [DM]; lines written by Ginevra Weasley are marked with [GW])

[DM] Dear father,
[GW] Dear Professor Dumbledore,

[DM] Ginny wants to write a “decent letter”, only I want to go with her for dinner and because I’m starving this is to become a rather short answer to your owl.

[GW] Nevertheless Draco wants to thank you for the long and lovely letter you sent him. And I want to add that I’m very grateful for the conversation you had with my parents. I really didn’t like much to lie to them, but they would never have allowed me going with Draco. Now they’ve send me an owl, saying they’ll talk with us when we’re back. But they don’t demand we come back immediately and I think we have to thank you for that.

[DM] Ginny finds you’re “terribly sweet” - and if she doesn’t stop singing your praise I’ll become jealous. But she’s actually right: You are sweet - sometimes. And because I’m really hungry now, in short:

1. Sarcasm doesn’t suit a Gryffindor, Albus.
2. As your almost son and Raven’s elder and loving brother I forbid you to propose to Umbridge. She would immediately jump at you - and then you would be on the run and I would have to change Raven’s nappies all the time.
3. I don’t have a death wish, thank you very much. Therefore I’d rather not tell Professor McGonagall what I did to her red headed little prefect (who’s amazingly sexy considered she’s a Gryffindor).
4. Kisses to Raven. We’re to get her something especially nice when we’re back.
5. My regards to Uncle Severus. I find he looks rather cute when Raven sobers all over him.
6. A hug for you.
[GW] 7. My mother was wrong: Raven is pretty much alive to you - she’s got your eyes. Therefore she’s such a beauty.
8. There’s no neer usr using a deflating charm on Draco. We won’t forget that we have to finish our educations and we don’t want to disappoint your trust in us.
9. Kisses to Raven.
10. If you allow: A hug to you.

Yours
Ginny + Draco


*****************************************
2003>

Diary of Albus Dumbledore,
Hogwarts, February 1, 2003

I’ve never in my life written a diary and even now, by looking to the nice, empty book Draco gave me as a “birthday gift for the papa” I’m afraid I won’t be very consequent in filling it. I’ll probably still rather like to spend my quiet evenings with a book or with music than with musing about my life.

Actually I shouldn’t complain about my life. I still have it - and that’s something to be glad about after the war we fought and won in the end. And with Tom Riddle defeated and the last of his followers in Azkaban and with Arthur Weasley as the minister of magic I’ve got what I longed for over such a long time: Peace and hope for the children. I’m not foolish enough to believe that this could have been the war to end all wars (who said so about which war? He was in every case wrong) I’m still optimistic enough to believe that Draco’s generation learned something from it. Hopefully it’s enough to make them strong and united when the next self pro claimed “dark lord” will rise. Perhaps they’ll be able to stop him before he is able to destroy so much as Riddle did in the 25 years we fought against him.

So much about the world in general. About myself in particular… that’s another subject. I feel gloomy today. It’s Raven’s third birthday and she enjoyed it too the fullest to be in the middle of a big party and become showered with gifts and sweets. And I - I enjoyed it too. It was good to see Draco - since he attended the Sorbonne and lives in Paris I really rarely see him and he never was much of a writer. And it was good to see his charming Ginevra again and it was even better to see that their love is still growing. They were so young when they came together and there was so much which seemed to stand between them - his heritage, the danger his father was, the house rivalry between Slytherin and Gryffindor and all the Weasley’s disliking him. But Ginevra and Draco overcame all these hurdles, becoming stronger by doing so and so I allow myself now sometimes to dream of a few nice red headed or blond step-grandcren.ren.

Yet I can’t see Draco without feeling sad. With every year he becomes older he reminds me more of Narcissa. I remember very well: As the 11 year old boy that came to Hogwarts as a first year, he looked - at least to me - pretty much like Lucius. And with that he made it very hard to like him - probably not only for me, but for Severus too. But now, when I watch the handsome young man Draco became, I don’t see Lucius anymore. I see Narcissa in the way he moves and in his smile and in his eyes and in his quick wit and the intelligence and the warmth and this indefinable something which makes her and him so special.

Sometimes I’m glad Raven isn’t as alike to Narcissa as Draco. I don’t think I’d like to have a little Narcissa around me all day. Even with my black haired Raven I feel so often reminded of her mother.

It still hurts. I still ask myself at least once a day how I could let this happen. I know it was my fault. I wasn’t there, I didn’t give her a chance to tell me and in the ministry - damn, I was so entirely busy with my hurt vanity I didn’t think enough of hers and how she must have felt. Egotial ial idiot I was I expected her even to be “grateful” for my oh-so-noble proposal. Small wonder she ran away. I didn’t deserve better.

Yet there’s one thing I still don’t understand. Why did she leave the children? I know how much she loves Draco and I’m sure she doesn’t love Raven less. Why did she leave them? She wouldn’t have had to marry me. I would have let her have Raven if only she would have allowed me to see the girl sometimes.

How shall I ever explain to Raven that her mother left us? I fear the day I will have to and I can only hope it won’t become the day Raven leaves me too. I couldn’t bear it. I can hardly bear to live without Narcissa. Without Raven I really wouldn’t know what to do with myself and why I should struggle life.

Diary of Albus Dumbledore,
Hogwarts, October 22, 2003

I knew I wouldn’t be good in keeping a diary, but there are days which made for a little conversation with oneself - and such a day is today.

Severus often complains that “a Gryffindor with a sense of tact” would be a contradiction in terms. Today I must admit he’s right - at least about our icon of being Gryffindor, dear Minerva. The conversation I had with her only two hours ago really was the perfect example of “how to put both your feet in your mouth without noticing it” and actually I should pay her a compliment: She got me completely by surprise and had me - Severus would say for the first time in my life - at a complete loss for words.

Her opening wasn’t a surprise. If I’d have got only one Knut every time Minerva swept in my office with her lips as tight as her butt - Albus! Out! A gentleman doesn’t think something like that about his deputy! Well, if I’d only got a sickle for every time she told me we would have to talk about Severus, I’d probably need a bigger vault at Gringott’s now.

Admittedly: Today it was something new. Minerva didn’t want to tell me that Severus’ teaching methods are frightening her poor little lions - I really wish she were not such a lost case when it comes to potions! I’d love to make her deputize for Severus one week. Probably she’d come after the first morning, asking if I’d give her permission to chain her sweet pupils upside down on the walls! - Or that he once again his Slytherins.

Today it was even worse. Minerva blazing fire like a dragon with a head cold asked me, if I knew that Severus had, had dinner with one Hermione Granger at Riccardo’s the other evening.

I knew my Minerva, sknewknew I couldn’t avoid an argument. But I’m an optimist. So I tried it with calmness and logic. “If memory doesn’t fail me: Miss Granger isn’t a Hogwarts student anymore. So I wouldn’t know a reason why Severus shouldn’t have dinner with her.”

“But Albus!” Minerva cried. “Severus is 42 and the girl is 20.”

I simply couldn’t resist baiting her a bit. “You’re right indeed, Minerva. You should talk with her. He’s too young.”

Minerva rose like one of the famous Weasley fire busters. “ALBUS!” She really is the only person I know who’s able to speak in capitals. “THIS IS NOT FUNNY!”

“Actually I find it rather funny - considering that your husband was a classmate of mine and you are 40 years his junior.”

“But I was 43 when Augustus and I started to date!” Minerva fumed.

And I sighed - something I do rather often when talking with Minerva. “Then you should probably tell Miss Granger she should wait another 20 years until she meets Severus next.” Had I hoped to stop our formidable head of Gryffindor? I should have known better.

“ALBUS!” Once again in capitals. “I expect you to speak with Severus!”

“Why me? You know the girl better than I do. So you’re fitter to tell him what flower she likes, how he should …”

“For heaven’s sake, Albus!” She interrupted me. “You know that’s not the point. Severus’ past …”

At this point I really became angry. I think too that the Granger girl is probably a bit too young for Severus. But they’re both old enough to decide for themselves and his past can’t be an argument against him! Admittedly I made a mistake with my next line. I wanted Minerva to remember her love for Raven - and got myself in trouble. “A lot of people thought that Raven’s mother was a death eater too - as her siblings and her cousin. You know better, do you?”

It really was a mistake to mention Narcissa. Minerva immediately stopped ranting about Severus and her favourite pupil and became this “All men up to comfort poor Albus” gaze which I’ve learned to fear. I probably should have fled then, but I wasn’t quick enough. I really must be becoming old. Before I could run, she patted my hand: “Albus, I’m so sorry! But you know it’s not healthy what you do. You’re too pale, you’re too thin, you never really recovered from the war and the last battle, you don’t sleep enough and you’re too much alone. I understand you were unhappy about what happened, but you can’t spend the rest of your life with mourning about …” She obviously saw my raised eye brow - and after all this years Minerva knows my storm signs and sometimes even watches them. So she changed direction. “Augustus and I worry about you. Why don’t you take Raven and come for a nice weekend visit next week? We could invite Athena Barris u reu remember her, do you? She was in Gryffindor too, one year my senior. She adores you, you know? She always did and I’m sure Raven would love her. Athena’s a lawyer now, she works sometimes with Augustus and she loves children and she always wanted …”

I found my lost voice again. “Please, Minerva!” I said firmly. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not interested in meeting a woman. I’ve got my daughter and this school to look after and that’s more than enough for me.”

Minerva is - as Severus often says - as much of a pig head as I am. She didn’t give up so easily. “But Albus! It hurts to see you so unhappy.”

“I’m not unhappy. I have a beautiful child; I have friends and my work.”

“But you must give up Narcissa!” she cried.

“Must I? Minerva - would you give up on Augustus?”

Did I sound pathetic? I don’t know and frankly: I don’t care. I know that I can’t give up Narcissa. She is the love of my life and I wourawlrawl over broken glass if only I could get her back.


Diary of Albus Dumbledore,
Hogwarts, November 9, 2003

Probably I’m a sentimental old fool, but this night I suddenly found myself on the balcony with a glass of red vine, looking up to Polaris and sending a birthday wish to my love. Narcissa, where ever you are - I hope you weren’t alone on your birthday. I hope you celebrateth fth friends and people who love you. And I even hope one of them is a man who took you to bed later, giving you all the tenderness and passion you deserve. You need to be loved, you’ve got so little love in your life and so it is my birthday wish for you that you are happy.

Reading my last entry - no, I didn’t give up on you. As I wrote: I never could. But I’ve given up hope. I know you won’t come back to me. The first time after you gave me Raven I believed you would come. I thought your longing for her would get you to us and I was convinced: If only I could speak to you - I would persuade you to give me a second chance. This hope I’ve given up. If you’d come back this day, I wouldn’t try to get you again. I’m an old man now. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I see a withered, old face, I see the scars and wrinkle live has provided me with and I know I wouldn’t suit you anymore - if I ever did which I actually doubt.

It’s quite ironic. I was all my life what people call “a ladies man”. I couldn’t imagine to live without a woman in my life , no, not life. Be honest with yourself, Albus - it was the woman in your bed. Then you came - and the “lion and the lamb” as my father once named love and passion came together. They lay peacefully side by side and I felt content and complete as never before. With you I learned what “making love” really means - and now I couldn’t settle for less anymore.

I didn’t touch a woman since our last night. And whenever I touched myself I thought of you. But now even this is over. You don’t love me anymore and so it would feel wrong to think of you by pleasing myself. It would feel as if I’d claim something which isn’t for me anymore.

You don’t love me anymore. If you did, you would have come back. You would have felt that I incomplete without you, that I need you. But you didn’t come back. You probably needed me and the illusion of loving me for getting away from Lucius. But now Lucius is dead and you live another life and this nis no space for me. You don’t love me. Writing it hurts. Probably I should do so more often to come to use with it. Perhaps the pain would fade then.

Narcissa doesn’t love me.

Here - I’ve written it again. Facing the truth at last. And crying over the ink I spilled myself. Pathetic, old fool, wailing in self-pity.

But it’s the truth. FACE IT, ALBUS!

Narcissa is young and beautiful and strong and independent. She chose to start a new life and after three years I must finally learn that this means: Narcissa isn’t to fail in that. She managed to forget the barmy old codger who still loves her and still longs for her.

But isn’t it fair? How many women did I make suffer because I wasn’t able to love? Now I’m the one who suffers. That’s justice - and I will learn to live with it.

Diary of Albus Dumbledore,
Hogwarts, December 26, 2003

Where the hell is Severus when I need him? I’ve started to dream again and I don’t want this dreams! I don’t want to see her in my dreams every night, smiling at me. I need a few big doses of a dreamless sleep potion - and to hell with my subsciosciousness and muggle psychologists writing about the importance of dreams for healing traumata. I hate my sub consciousness when it serves me with clichés out of the “Dream lexicon for beginners”. For Merlin’s sake - Narcissa and horses! And as the cherry on top of the pudding Sybil Trelawney’s misty voice: “Dreamed horses are a symbol for sexual desire.”

Fate must laugh her butt off (I’m convinced: My fate is a) female and b) a feminist taking revenge for all the women I’ve disappointed during my life). Only I could have the misfortune to hear that. In years I wasn’t in the Divination class, but the day I walk in the old hag must - from all the silly subjects she teaches - juslk alk about horses in dreams!

Symbol for sexual desire! My foot!

I should have asked dear Sybil what she makes out of the combination “Horses + Narcissa Black with black hair + black uniform”. A rather sexy black uniform with a very tight, short jacket, black trousers and black, polished boots. Am I to develop masochistic tendencies at my old age? Whip me, kick me, scrape me, bite me, and name me an animal? Then let’s start with “old ass”.

Silly, old ass. Or poor sod, wailing once again in self pity. I really could do with a dreamless sleep potion. But Severus is to meet his future in-laws, the muggle dentists (and I’m thinking about my masochistic tendencies?). I was once there and I know where Hermione Granger got her bossiness. If Severus doesn’t run away after meeting her mother, the girl can be sure that he really loves her.

Narcissa with black hair - she looks like Raven. Is it Raven’s picture as an adult woman I see in my dreams? I don’t think so. Raven’s got my blue yes and her forehead comes after mine - broader than Narcissa’s. Raven’s hairline with the curl just over the forehead is like mine. And what I see in my dreams is Narcissa - beautiful, lovely Narcissa with her violet eyes.

I can’t get a dreamless sleep potion and I don’t trust myself to brew My My fingers are trembling. I won’t ask Poppy. But with Raven being with Draco and Ginny at the Burrows for the night I can get myself a bottle of Old Odgen’s and I can get myself “pissed as a rat” as Alastor would say. And that’s exactly what I will do now.


To be continued …