Book of Shadows

9

Thursday night he sits in the corner of the Astronomy Tower and he wants to laugh. He isn\'t sure why but being here feels odd. He\'s always wondered why students came to the Astronomy Tower to make out and have sex. Perhaps it was the added thrill of being caught that drew them. As Harry sat and waited for someone to come in he began to realize that he would never have that experience. He would leave Hogwarts a virgin and he would never know what it was like to snog late at night and giggle around corners; to avoid teachers as they prowl the corridors.

He sighs and flips to the first page of his book. He watches the pages turn and the patterns on his arm change. He stops when he gets to the first picture he ever made of Snape. He smiles and traces the lines with his fingers. It\'s hard to believe that day after tomorrow, he\'ll never see Snape again. It makes his heart ache and for a split second, he wants to go down to the dungeons and throw himself at the feet of his professor. But what dignity he has left keeps him from embarrassing himself and he stays, tracing the picture as if it were pale skin beneath his fingers.

He feels a tear slide down his cheek and he presses his thumb into the corner of the cover to distract himself. The pain is a comfort and he turns the page. It\'s another picture of his arm and there\'s a flower in the corner that he drew during Herbologly once when no one was around. It feels like years have passed since then. He presses his thumb harder until he feels his skin pop and conform around the corner. He lets the blood drip onto the floor of the Astronomy Tower.

The door opens but he doesn\'t pay attention as Ron and Ginny crawl inside and pull Millicent along with them. He doesn\'t see as their clothes are thrown off and as Ron and Ginny move together like water and Millicent\'s eyes are glassy as she watches them play. Their moans and gasps are loud and echo off the stones and when Harry looks up, he is speechless as he watches his former best friend attack Ginny with his lips and tongue. Millicent seems to be lost in the shuffle but she appears with slight touches. Harry\'s never seen Ron look so deep in concentration before.

Ron slips inside of Ginny so easily that Harry thinks that it must\'ve been rehearsed and his blood burns. His eyes are wide as it continues and he can\'t look away. Millicent places soft kisses on her face and neck as Ginny comes. After, Ginny cries in Ron\'s arms and whispers how she doesn\'t want them to go, that she needs them. Harry worries for her and watches as Ron transforms back into Hermione and holds her close.

\"It won\'t be so bad. You can come visit us,\" Millicent whispers and joins them, strokes Ginny\'s hair.

Hermione nods and kisses them both firmly on the lips. \"You can come spend the summer with us.\"

Ginny sniffles. \"But you\'ll be working. You\'ll be too busy.\"

Millicent lifts her chin and tenderly strokes her cheek. \"We\'ll never be too busy for you, Gin.\"

She launches herself into Millicent\'s arms and kisses her forcefully. Hermione smiles and watches as they hold each other. Delicate caresses against lean backs and Harry can\'t watch anymore. He grabs his book and charcoal and moves against the wall as quietly as possible. Before he leaves, he hears Ginny whisper, \"Thank you for being Ron for me, Herm. I always wanted it to be either him or Percy.\"

Harry runs back to Gryffindor Tower feeling dirty and wicked. Somehow it was different when he didn\'t care who it was and then it was Hermione and he knows he can\'t do that to her. But the image won\'t leave his head as he pounds up the stairs and flings himself onto his bed. He feels like he\'s violated a sacred trust and even the voice of the artist whispering that it\'s okay isn\'t enough to placate him.

He\'s finding it hard to breathe as he searches for his knife and the panic doesn\'t stop until he\'s bleeding ae cae can relax for a second. He covers his eyes with his good arm and tries to forget but their moans are rampant in his ears as if he\'s still there. He groans and peers at his arm; magically closes it and there\'s no scar but he doesn\'t care. The last thing he thinks before drifting off for a few hours of sleep is how bizarre his last 48 hours are going to be.

----

He\'s strangely calm as he stands in front of the mirror and straightens his hat. His robes hang as limp as ever against his body and his uniform looks the same as it always did. He\'s fixing his tie when there\'s a quiet knock on the door. \"Come in,\" he calls and turns. \"Hey,\" he smiles and he\'s not sure why he\'s smiling but he\'s genuinely glad to see Hermione.

\"Hi,\" she smiles back and comes into the room. \"Excited?\"

He shrugs. \"Not really. I\'ll be glad when it\'s over.\"

\"Yeah,\" she whispers. \"I\'m going to miss it here. I can\'t believe we\'re leaving tomorrow. Forever.\"

He doesn\'t have the heart to tell her that he can\'t wait to leave. Besides, everything she needs to hear is in his speech. \"You aren\'t mad that I\'m going to be the one up there and not you?\"

Hermione laughs and it tickles in the back of his throat. \"No. I\'ve learned that being the smartest and best isn\'t everything. It\'s a lot of things but not everything. Besides, it was only half a point.\"

Harry never realized be hoe how grown up she is now. The girl who cried in their First Year because no one liked her, is gone. The girl who cried when he and Ron made up in Fourth Year is gone as well. He pines for her but knows she is there in his memories so he do't l't let it faze him. \"I wish it were you and not me.\"

She slings her arm around his shoulder and guides him out the door. \"Buck up, Potter.\"

He laughs.

-----

Harry sits at the end of the table, closest to the podium and waits for his turn. He doesn\'t pay much attention to any of the speeches the other three are making. He makes an attempt to listen to Millicent for Hermione\'s sake but even hers doesn\'t keep his attention. His own scroll is in his hand even though he knows the whole thing by heart. He\'s smiling softly, knowingly. They\'re expecting him to give some heartfelt speech about how Hogwarts has been the greatest experience of his life and how he\'ll miss errierribly.

Millicent finishes and steps down. He applauds for her with everyone else and waits as Dumbledore nods for him to take his place. Harry\'s smile grows a fraction as he steps up to the podium, puts the Sonorus charm on his throat so the whole hall can hear him. He feels like his face might split in two as he begins. \"Every year since I\'ve gotten here, someone has tried to kill me whether it be Malfoy or Voldemort. I like to think that that\'s really the only constant that I\'ve ever had in my life: death and Malfoy.\" There\'s a low chuckle from the Slytherin table. \"What has bothered me the most since I\'ve gotten here is why on Earth the public places so much confidence in me? There are Wizards and Witches far more powerful than myself and you all wanted a seventeen year-old boy to clean up your mess. No, no one wants to try and do anything, just let Harry Potter take care of it. If everyone had united, Voldemort would\'ve been gone a long time ago. Instead you let fear rule over you and as long as only one orphan boy died, the rest of you and your parents could live.

\"What has the Wizarding world ever given me except this scar on my forehead that makes me so recognizable and the hatred of every Wizard and Witch that ever lost someone? Apparently this was my war. I was supposed to be the only one who died. I guess no one knows what war really is.\" Several of the students who did resent him, lower their heads. \"In my third year I was given the two greatest things I could ever ask for: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. They were the only two links I had left of my parents. Thanks to Dumbledore, Sirius is rotting away in St. Mungo\'s and Remus, well, I don\'t like to talk about Remus.

\"I should\'ve let you all deal with Voldemort, let you bring him down on your own because I didn\'t want this. I never wanted this but it\'s my own fault. I trusted Dumbledore and I shouldn\'t have. You\'ll all go home to your families and you\'ll finally see what the world is really about and by next week, you\'ll wish you were back in the walls of this castle. As for me? I doubt any of you will ever see me again and for that, I am grateful. There\'s a scant few of you that I ever wish to lay eyes on again; three in fact. Stop smiling, Ron, you aren\'t one of them.

\"My yearmates have done the expected and thanked the school and it\'s teachers for preparing them to go out into the world. I think I should add my own thanks in as well.

\"First, I\'d like to thank my years here at Hogwarts for demonstrating how little human life is valued when there is a greater plan. I\'d like to thank the Headmaster personally for showing me that yes, it can always get worse, and no, there really isn\'t anything we can do about it. Also, I\'d like to thank him for showing me how easy it is to make a person into nothing more than a weapon or a shield, be they Wizard, Witch or Muggle.

\"No one is happier than I to leave this place and if I ever set foot here again, it will be too soon. Thank you and have a wonderful life.\" He prances down the steps, grinning wildly and sits at the end of the Gryffindor table. He smiles sweetly up at McGonagall and waits for her to bring in the rest of the school. Yes, he has made a lasting impression. It was his finest hour. Even Snape looks mildly impressed.

All through dinner he can feel their eyes on him. This is really the first time he\'s eaten in the Great Hall in three weeks. But for traditions sake, he puts himself through their inane chatter. Not even Hermione makes an attempt to speak to him, though, and he\'s just fine with that. He thinks about what he\'ll do during his last night. He knows that most of his year will be celebrating in Hogsmeade with gargantuan amounts of Butterbeer. He\'ll celebrate in his own way, by himself.

He waits for Dumbledore to dismiss them like old times before he slips out. He goes towards the lake as everyone else heads towards their village destination. He takes off his robe and folds it over his arm as he stands on one of the rocks that surround the lake. He closes his eyes and let\'s the wind play with his hair and he feels like he\'s swaying. Not too long ago he was out here to sketch his arm. He sits on the rock and stares over the crisp, black water. He watches the water ripple and the full moon reflect upon it\'s surface.

\"What are you doing out here, Potter?\"

Harry shivers involuntarily. Snape\'s voice is icier than usual. \"Sitting by the lake.\"

Professor Snape grunts. He changes the subject. \"You gave an impressive speech this evening. Some of them looked genuinely crestfallen.\"

\"Is that what you came here to tell me?\"

\"No, actually. I come out here to stargaze and you happen to be invading my spot.\"

\"Pardon me while I don\'t apologize.\"

\"Impertinent as always, eh, Potter?\"

\"I wouldn\'t have it any other way.\"

Snape chuckles. \"Neither would I, come to think of it.\"

Silence lapse between them and the only sounds are the waves slapping against the rocks and a cricket chirping in the distance. \"So, what are you looking for this time? You already know that I\'m not starving myself. What does Dumbledore want?\"

\"What makes you think Dumbledore sent me?\"

\"Because I\'ve seen you more in the last three weeks out of class than I do otherwise and you always seem to be looking for something. Unless McGonagall hired you to kill me. The Ministry would never suspect an inside job,\" he says bitterly.

\"Get over yourself, Potter. Minerva didn\'t send me to do anything to you.\"

\"And Dumbledore?\" Silence. \"That\'s what I thought. So, what is it this time? Is he afraid I\'ll off myself in my moment of grief? Does he want an apology because I didn\'t make him out to be some fucking hero? Spare me.\"

\"You like to let your imagination run wild, don\'t you?\"

Harry shrugs. \"It makes life more interesting.\"

\"He knows that it isn\'t his responsibility to watch you anymore. I suppose he wants to play \"Caring Keeper\" one last time before you leave tomorrow.\"

Harry swears that Snape\'s voice sounds a little gruffer and that his voice hitched on the last few words. But he could be imagining it. He decides to take one last risk. \"So will you miss me?\"

\"As much as I will miss Longbottom.\"

Ouch. \"Well, thank you, sir. I\'m over-flowing with joy.\"

\"Are you ever not a smart-ass?\"

\"Let\'s say, you bring the best out in me.\"

\"Somehow that\'s not particularly comforting.\"

\"It wasn\'t meant to be,\" Harry says softly.

Snape looks down and studies the top of Harry\'s head. He tightens his hands at his sides to keep himself from running his fingers through Harry\'s hair. \"Is there any chance that you\'ll stay here?\" With me.

Harry feels like a knife has been thrust into his gut. \"I can\'t,\" he chokes out. \"I don\'t belong here anymore.\" He looks up and stares into Snape\'s eyes. I\'d stay if you asked me. Give me something, tell me to stay and I\'ll stay. \"Do you want me to stay?\"

More than you know, Potter. \"No.\"

Harry barely hears the answer but when he does, he wishes he hadn\'t asked. \"I see.\" He gets up and puts his robe back on. He holds out his hand to Snape. \"It was a pain in my ass knowing you, sir.\"

Tentatively he grasps Harry\'s hand and shakes it. \"The feeling is mutual - Harry.\"

\"Good-bye Severus.\" He turns away and begins his trek back to the school. He doesn\'t want me, Harry thinks as he stumbles over a rock and falls to his knees. He throws up violently into the grass as his shoulders begin to shake and he begins to cry. He rolls back onto his haunches and cradles his head in his hands. He doesn\'t want me. The words echo in his head like a bad mantra. He\'d always known that he never had a chance but now he doesn\'t even have the dream.

He stands slowly, peers over his shoulder and sees Snape still standing by the lake. He still looks imposing but smaller now in the distance. Harry looks away and leaves Snape behind. He wraps his robe closer around his frame as he disappears inside the school and his feet carry him to the Tower automatically. Crookshanks blinks at him from the foot of the bed. \"He didn\'t want me,\" he whispers to the cat and feels the tears come again.

He searches his drawers until he finds what he\'s looking for. Harry sits on his bed in the dormitory with the knife poised in his hand. His sleeve is pulled up like always but he\'s waiting. For what, he isn\'t sure. Maybe for someone to stop him. He drags the blade across his skin but it doesn\'t cut, it only grazes and sends a chill down his spine. He grasps the handle and pushes the tip in near the joint of his elbow; he feels it as it slowly cuts through. Pulling the knife away, blood wells up but doesn\'t spill over. It seems content in the little hole and stays. He drags the knife again but presses, tears the first layer of skin and it burns. Small pin prick-sized drops of blood peak through but it\'s not enough for him. With one vicious stroke, he makes a long slice horizontally along the width of his arm. It\'s fat and blooming. He watches it for long minutes as it swells and branches past the wound and spills over his arm to land on the duvet. He leans back and lets it go while staring up at the ceiling. It\'s his last night at Hogwarts, the last time he\'ll bleed on darker-than-blood blankets.

Harry puts a clotting charm on his arm and stares at Crookshanks. \"Why do I stay here? I\'ve graduated. The only thing I would stay for is him and I never had him.\" Crookshanks blinks at him and Harry knows what he wants to do. He slides from the bed and throws all his things into his trunk. He wraps his knife in a piece of cloth and puts it on top. Before closing it, he changes into the clothes Sirius gave him last summer. They\'re the only set of clothes he\'s ever owned the fit him. The pants fit like a glove and the shirt hides his arms from view. \"Crookshanks?\" The cat looks up. \"Come on.\" He jumps down and rubs against Harry\'s legs. Harry charms his trunk to be as light as a feather and the size of a walnut. He\'s grateful for his classes then as he slips it in his pocket and opens the door for Crookshanks. He follows the cat down the stairs to the Common Room. It\'s empty. None of the Seventh Years have come back from Hogsmeade yet so he opens the portrait and Crookshanks hops out. \"We\'ll be okay.\"

As they walk the long corridors to the Entrance Hall, Harry takes his time to look at the portraits and really see where he\'s spent the last seven years. He can remember when it was his salvation and everything he had ever hoped for. He had loved it because it was better than the Dursley\'s. Even now, he\'s not quite sure when it went sour. He looks forward and sees Dumbledore is standing in the hall. \"Hello, Harry. Midnight stroll?\"

\"No. I\'m leaving.\"

Dumbledore nods. \"I\'m not all that surprised. We\'ll miss you, Harry.\"

\"Yeah, yeah.\" He walks past towards the door.

\"I really did try and make the right decisions. But I\'m only human, Harry,\" Dumbledore calls softly after him but it echoes in the Entrance Hall, vibrates through Harry\'s bones.

He stops and clenches his fists. \"I\'m just as human as you and you treated me like a super hero, Albus.\"

\"And for that, I am sorry.\"

\"Good.\" He turns around and peers cautiously at the Headmaster. \"Will you do something for me?\"

\"I will do whatever I can.\"

Harry pulls out his trunk and takes off the charms. He takes out his book. The cover is smooth and black and he almost reconsiders but it\'s for the best. He strokes the cover one last time before holding it out to Dumbledore. \"Give this to Professor Snape. Don\'t look at it. You owe me that much.\"

Dumbledore takes it, holds it securely before slipping it in his pocket. \"I\'ll give it to him at breakfast tomorrow. Where will you be staying?\"

Harry smiles. \"I don\'t know. Thank you for giving that to him.\" He charms his trunk again and puts it back in his pocket. He opens the door and Crookshanks runs out and waits for him on the front step.

\"Do you know why the forest let you in?\"

He flexes his fingers against the wood of the door. \"Because I needed to know that there was still beauty in the world. Good-bye Albus.\"

Dumbledore smiles sadly. \"Good-bye Harry.\"

He leaves and lets the door close behind him with a resounding thud. Crookshanks mews loudly as he takes out his wand. \"Lumos.\" He can see the cat waiting for orders. Harry whistles loudly and soon the sound of feathers is in the air and Hedwig lands on the step. \"We\'re leaving, Hedwig.\" He starts down the stairs with a cat at his heels and an owl by his shoulder. \"We\'ll be okay.\"