Goodnight, Demon Slayer

Goodnight, Demon Slayer
Chapter Seven:
Basic Thuganomics

After some serious discussion, the Grangers and their new son-in-law-for-two-months had decided to make a day of it in London, leaving for home after dinner. Bob and Margaret had their heads full of ideas of museums and zoos and libraries, and it had taken some effort, but Hermione had finally convinced her parents to leave her and Severus long enough to go shopping.

"What do you need, dear?" Mrs. Granger had asked, concern suddenly evident in her voice. "Does he need things to look like a M-U-G-G-L-E?

"Mum, he's a wizard, not a toddler," Hermione laughed. Her mum was so cute sometimes. No matter what she did or said, she could always make Hermione laugh, and Hermione never, ever had to doubt that her mother loved her very, very much. Margaret Granger really was one of the sweetest people alive. "He can spell. Besides, you can say 'Muggle.' It's alright."

"Of course, dear. I just worry, you know. What with everything thatoingoing on..." Margaret Granger's jovial eyes were serious for the first time since Severus had met her, and he suddenly felt a pang of sympathy followed closely by jealousy. He'd never had a family- in the traditional sense of the word, at least. He'd never had a mother be so worried and concerned over him, and in that instant, Severus decided that no matter how nutty she may be, he was really going to like Margaret Granger.

Though he still had his reservations about Bob, dentist by day and bodybuilder by night who was shifting bags that looked semi-Hermione's-ex-boyfriend-shaped around the boot of his car.

Moving closer to mother and daughter, Severus placed a comforting hand on Margaret's shoulder.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Granger. That's why I'm here this summer." Margaret beamed at him then, seemingly soothed. She had no idea what Hermione had been complaining about all these years. Severus was a perfect gentleman, someone she'd be proud to have as a son-in-law. But then again, she was holding out hope that Hermione would end up with the savior of the wizarding world. Harry was a good-looking boy, and it would make a mother proud to see her little girl on the arm of the world's biggest celebrity in the society pages of the Daily Prophet every day. Hermione had long ago explained that she and Harry were just friends, but a mother can have some dreams, can't she?

But no matter how well Severus and Margaret were getting along something had been bothering Hermione. It wasn't a big thing. In fact, it was downright minute, but once she had an idea in her head it was very hard for her to get it out. She knew it was probably going to incite a riot or start World War III, but she couldn't help it. It was bugging her, and when things bugged Hermione Granger she simply could not let them stand.

"Actually," Hermione interjected quietly. "It's 'Dr. Granger.'" She smiled at him in hopes of quelling the explosion she was sure would follow a direct contradiction of him. Severus Snape did not like to be corrected, especially about stupid Muggle things, but to Hermione's complete surprise, he was smiling- slightly, but still smiling.

"My aplogies-" began Severus, but he was quickly interrupted.

"Nonsense, Severus! We do not stand on ceremony here. You can call me Margaret or Mum or whatever. No need to be formal with us." The Potions Master blushed deeply and tried in vain to retreat behind his hair. Mum? Was it possible that forty-one year-old Severus Snape might finally have a mum? Jaded, Death Eater Severus was ashamed at his sudden fervent desire to finally have a mum, a family. He could think of nothing he wanted, deep down in the sections of himself where he kept all of his dirty secrets like that fact that he had once watched and enjoyed "The Brady Bunch" and that he was falling in love with Hermione Granger, more than to be part of a family- even temporarily.

Hermione sensed Severus' discomfort and quickly spoke.

"Well, we'll be careful, Mum, but we really must get Severus some Muggle clothes."

"Alright, dear, but you will meet us for dinner, right?"

"Of course, Mum. How long could it take to pick out a wardrobe which I fear will strongly resemble Simon Cowell's?" Margaret laughed a little at this, but Severus stood in complete confusion. He and Hermione left her parents then and spent at least a half-hour in each of three stores without buying anything. Shopping had never really been Severus' thing, and Muggle shopping and its strange paper money and credit cards was infinitely worse.

Finally stopping in front of a shop named Gap, Hermione announded it would be their final stop.

"We haven't found anything yet. If there's nothing in here, then I guess you have to wear your Dracula costume all summer long. Severus?"

That was odd. She had directly insulted him and he had not responded. Could it be that she'd actually hurt him for once? It hadn't been her intention, but one never knew with Severus.

"Who is Simon Cowell?" he asked, a worried grimace on his face. He could not bear it if she had compared him with someon entirely unsavory. Hermione simply laughed and grinned at him.

"Television personality," she explained, walking toward the door of the shop. "Actually, he started out as a big music guy then he hosted this awful program called 'Pop Idol' and now he's in L.A. doing 'American Idol.' He's rather attractive. For an older guy."

No. She wasn't was she? Was she flirting? Was she giving him a back-handed compliment?

"And he wears..."

"Black t-shirts and jeans."

"And that's bad?"

"Not bad, just boring."

"You find me boring?"

"Not you, just your wardrobe."

"I have no idea whau meu mean."

"Oh, come on, Severus. The only time I've ever seen you wear anything but black you were a boggart and you were dressed as Neville's grandmum." Severus glared at her then but found he could put no malice into it. She was funny. God save his pitiable soul, Severus Snape was enjoying the company of the most annoying girl on the face of the earth. And he was enjoying the fact that she was annoying, the teasing she gave him and what he gave right back- the rapid-fire commentary. He was losing it,and he knew it. Grasping for any sharp, biting remark, he finally replied.

"Shut up, Weird Hair."

Hermione, who had stopped walking and was holding open the door to the store for him, began to giggle.

"'Weird Hair?' You're going to commit to that, are you?" Severus had stopped halfway through the door and was trying very hard to be angry with her, but that damn grin was infectious. Why had he never noticed that before? Probably hadn't even seen her smile much before, he decided the more he thought on it.

But why was he thinking on Hermione Granger? Stop it, Severus, stop it!

"Has anyone ever told you how truly annoying you are?" he questioned, finally making his way into the shop with Hermione following closely behind.

"Only you, Severus," replied his young companion, grinning evilly at him. "I've come to think of it as a term of endearment." Again, he was unable to formulate a response. God, why hadn't he ever noticed that smile before?

"So, you want my help or are we going to split up?" Hermione asked, noting the look of utter panic on Severus' face.

"What?"

Please don't leave me alone in here! Too many colors! Happy people! I can't deal with it!

"Men's section," she answered, pointing to one side of the store, "Women's section," she concluded, pointing across to the other side. "Mum gave me extra money so I'm going to get myself some things."

Ooh. That may be worse than taking my chances alone.

"So, my options are to be free of you while I shop or having to hang around while you shop and keep answering questions like 'does this make me look fat?' and 'is this too pink?'"

"Yes, but I don't wear pink."

"Well, as enticing as option number two sounds, I'm afraid I'll just have to head off on my own. After all, how hard can it be to pick out black t-shirts and jeans?" Hermione smiled and turned to head off towards the girly clothes but was stopped as Severus' strong hand grabbed her arm.

"Hermione," Severus began, looking deep into her eyes. "Be careful."

"I will," she promised quietly, smiling gently. He really could be a gentleman when he wanted to be.

Hermione had never confessed it to a single soul, and even if she had, none would have believed her, but she really, really loved clothes. She'd never call herself girly, and she'd never buy a skirt on purpose, but there was something entirely life-changing about buying a new outfit and having everything from underwear to nail polish come together in perfect harmony. Nothing made her feel as confident or as pretty as when she had a new, wonderful, not-too-girly outfit.

It was almost as good as acing her NEWTs.

She was actually quite glad that Severus had decided to go off on his own. Now she could spend as much time as she wanted rummaging through the racks uninterrupted.

"Hermione?"

So much for 'uninterrupted.'

Hermione looked up from the spread of colorful tank tops she had been eyeing and located the familiar voice that had called her.

"Oh, hello, Lavender. How are you?"

"I'm well. I didn't see you on the train earlier. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah, that. Severus and I had our own private compartment."

How did that sound dirty and elitist at the same time?

"That's right," Lavender said, an odd kind of look coming over her face. Hermione wasn't sure how it was odd or what exactly might be wrong with her housemate other than the fact that she had probably just imagined Hermione shagging the Potions Master. "How is Professor Snape? Where is Professor Snape?"

"He's over there trying to pick out Muggle clothes. He insisted I didn't need to help him, but I suppose I should go check on him soon. I don't think he really knows what he's doing." Hermione began to giggle a little as she caught sight of her once-feared Potions Master trying on an ultra-hip trucker hat at the sales girl's insistance.

"He's so cute," Hermione murmurred before she could stop herself. Oh, God! She hadn't even admitted that to herself and now she'd gone and said it in front of LAvender! LAvender Brown, the biggest gossip at Hogwarts! She had actually just said that Snape was cute!

He would kill her when he found out.

"Cute? Snape? Are you joking?" Lavender choked out, a sort of nauseated shock evident on her face. She didn't know why she did it because internally she was trying to convince herself that it absolutely was not true, but Hermione only smiled wider.

"Yeah, I think he's pretty cute."

The girls stood in silence for a few beats, Hermione in her own world with Severus and Lavender trying very hard to forget that someone had just called the greasy git "cute." She couldn't help it, though. The snitch inside her was taking over. She had to ask.

"So..." Lavender drawled slowly, easing Hermione out of her daydreams.

"So what?"

"Tell me. The whole school was rampant with rumors and no one knows the truth. What is is between you and Snape?"

Hermione had been dreading this moment. What was she supposed to say? She and Severus had never really discussed what their back story would be. It had probably been a tactical error not to plan such a thing, but when thinking about it, neither of them had really wanted to elaborate. At least Snape had an excuse not to think of it- no one would dare to question him, and if they did, he'd glare them to death, deduct house points, or assign detention with Filch. Hermione had no such luxury.

"We're... you know... together," she answered lamely.

"Details, Granger! How, when, where, why?"

"Well, I was helping him with the Or-"

NO! What are you thinking, Hermione? Shut up!

"-organization of his supply cabinet."

Nice save, Granger.

"And we just sort of clicked. I started helping him out more and we became friends and then more. It's not really all that interesting a story, really. It just sort of happened."

"But how did it happen? Who made the first move? Is he a good kisser?"

The girl would not give up! Hermione was conflicted. Elaborate and gush too much and Lavender would know that that was something Hermione would never do. Say too little and it would look like she and Severus were not really together.

Which they weren't, she had to remind herself.

"I don't know..." Stall! Stall! Think, Hermione! "I guess I made the first move. I kissed him first, and yes, he is a fantastic kisser!"

Lavender gaped openly, a disbelieving grin contorting her features. After collecting herself, she smirked.

"Now I know you're lying!"

No, I'm not!

"Hermione-the-prude-Granger just went up to the most feared man in Hogwarts history and snogged him?" Lavender asked incredulously.

"It wasn't like that. He did something nice for me. I mean, really, super, not like Snape in any way, kind of nice, and I just gave him a little kiss to thank him. It wasn't sexual at all, at least not to begin with."

"So what was it?"

"What was what?" Hermione questioned, confused.

"The nice thing that Snape did for you?"

Oh, God, what now? Think, Granger! Can't very well tell her he saved you from a fate worse than death 'cause he's a spy for the Order of the Phoenix, now can you?

"Oh, um... Well, you'd think it was dumb."

There, that should-

"Come on, tell me."

DAMMIT!

"He... uh... wrote me a really great recommendation for a Potions internship at the American Department for Pananormal Development and Reseach for next summer."

Lavender regarded her suspiciously for a few beats before deciding it was just another weird Granger thing. Honestly, why couldn't she just care about hair care, designer clothes, and hot boys like a normal girl?

"God, Granger, you are strange. I thought you were going to say he confessed his undying love or saved your cat from a fire or something."

"No, nothing as exciting as all that, I'm afraid," Severus drawled as he approached Hermione. He had been observing the conversation for a while and had decided to jump in only when or if Hermione seemed to be in trouble and making up American Departments of the Interior seemed like a pretty big sign of impending doom.

Severus casually draped an arm over he shoulder, and as if it were the most natural, normal, confortable greeting known to them, they instinctively turned and kissed each other sweetly. Lavender watched the exchange in shock. How could it be that anyone really found Snape attractive?

"Good afternoon, Miss Brown," Severus greeted in a very Snapey voice. In response Lavender simply forced a weak smile and retreated behind a large rack of jeans.

"Are you done already?" Hermione questioned, eyeing the large bags in Severus' hands.

"Black t-shirts, remember? Besides, we've been here an hour."

"We have? Hey,wait! How'd you pay for that?"

"Your father gave me his credit card. All I had to do was sign his name."

"Dad gave you his credit card? Brilliant! Mum gave me money for you, too. More money to spend on me!"

"Under ordinary circumstances, yes, but we are late for dinner with your mum and dad. We need to get going."

"We're late?" Hermione cried, glancing at her watch. "Shit, we are late! Mum's going to kill me! She's so worried already!"

"It's fine, Hermione. She knows you're with me. But we'd better hurry. I haven't eaten all day,and you wouldn't like me when I'm starving."

"I don't like you now," she teased, leaning against him and tilting her head up for a kiss. She wasn't sure what was up with Lavender, but she wanted to make sure she continued keeping up appearances. Severus smirked against her lips and she found that she was irresistibly drawn to him. "Alright, let's go."

With that Severus began to lead Hermione rather forcefully by the hand out of the store.

"Bye, Lavender!" sje called over her shoulder, giggling at Severus' brusque departure. "See you later!"

Outside the store , Severus began to question her, not even stopping or turning to look at her.

"The Department for Paranormal Development and Research? Where on earth did you come up with that? Do you want to blow our cover?"

"I didn't make it up! The guy who created Hellboy did. Besides, Lavender wouldn't know the difference!"

"Hellboy?"

"It's a comic book and now a movie."

"A comic Book?"

"A graphic novel. An entire book told in pictures and dialogue."

"I see..." Severus stopped walking and turned to face Hermione, an evil, sexy kind of s on on his face. She knew she was in for it now. That was not a face you wanted to see if you wanted to stay sane for any amount of time. Luckily Hermione could care less about sanity as long as those big black eyes kept boring into hers. "And I'm a fantastic kisser?" Hermione flushed a deep red but refused to be flustered. Well, she tried to refuse, anyway.

"Well, I don't have much to compare it to, but, yeah, I guess you're okay."

"'Okay?' I was 'fantastic' earlier!"

"Oh, shut up, Severus!"

**********A/N**********
The chapter title belongs to John Cena, WWE Superstar and white boy rapper. I thought it was a funny way of saying Severus had no clue about Muggle clothes and therefore had to be schooled in "basic thuganomics" I know, its a sucky name, but John Cena is super hot. In fact, in one very ill-conceived moment, your Potions Mistress told him she'd like to get naked with him at an untelevised show in Cleveland. Regrettably, PMM was not used to having 3rd row seats and shouted her proposition as if she were in the back row, so that not only John Cena but also half of the audience turned and looked at her. Luckily, he seemed to appreciate the offer and was in no way offended when PotionsMistressM later told Randy Orton she loved him, swooned and almost fainted after touching Brock Lesnmar and the Undertaker, and practically had to be carried out of the arena after Edge smiled and winked at her. So, that is why the chapter is named what it is. The moral of the story: PMM is fucking nuts and should never be allowed around half-naked, hot, sweaty men. If, by any chance, you are ever caught between her and a WWE Superstar (particularly Edge or Kane or, hell, even Lita for that matter!), you should run for your life, because she will tear up anything in her way.

Anyways...

Back by popular demand (okay, GrrArrg asked once), thanks yous:
This is for the whole thing, so I'm just gonna do names this time. I'll start personal thansk next chapter!
Thank you Talene, jadephoenix, Clarinet, Snapeaholic, Deb ( you know I love you!), JB, ArienAstera, deblovesdragon (my right hand!), Heather, GeekGoddess, GrrArrg (my favoritest!), WriterLady1031, moony_reader, ancientgirl, Cyn, FireBlade, SJL, Tweeky Monkey, Jennifer, Darkrose, GFeather, Amber AKA Tiger, Zephyr (my most highly favored minion!), mele, Florentia, Emery, Victoria, Cordelia, spaz141, Gin, vblum12, Sare Liz, azulkan2, Bambu, pyewacket, Kana, Amanda, and Paige. Hope I got everyone. Thank you and keep reading, please!