Understanding

I dedicate this chapter to GrrArrg who made me VERY happy today with some news about my favorite actor and because she guilt-tripped me into writing today because she was too hung-over to do so.

Understanding
Chapter Nine:
Farther Away

****I'm numb to you, dumb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air and night
Not you, not love, just nothing
I run to you
Run away from the past
Call out your name
Giving up, giving in
I see you there
I know you are
Farther away
Try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here by myself
I can't breathe***

At about nine the next morning, I was lazily floating in and out of consciousness, smiling contentedly for the first time in I don't know how long. Yawning and stretching, I ran my hands through the cool sheets expecting them to, at some point, come in contact with the pale, smooth skin of my would-be lover. But I didn't find him. Somehow it felt like last night had all been make-believe. It felt like I had imagined the whole gloriously sordid affair. Even the ache between my legs, the small bite mark around my left nipple, they felt almost ethereal. But everything also felt wonderful...

Opening my eyes, I realized with a start that not only was I alone, but I was in my own room, fully clothed in the same clothes I had worn last night. Yuck. In all my dreamings of Severus Snape, I had learned that wet underwear very quickly becomes sticky, or worse, crusty underwear, and apparently whoever dressed me last night or this mog hag had never known that. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to wiggle out of the offending garments and giggled at the absurdity of all of it. I wondered why Severus would dress me befoer putting me to bed, and even if he did, why would he bother putting my underwear back on? Oh, well. Knowing the ineptitude of most males, I was almost glad that they were even on facing forward.

Odd...

But, then again, Severus would not want us to be found out, and I supposed he would be t oft of an early riser. This, in accordance with the fact that I knew Dumbledore fancied a good lie-in, allowed me the priviledge of believing Severus was already awake and possibly even making me breakfast while humming happily.

Yeah, right. I would have be willing to bet a good chunk of money that it would be a good long time before I even heard him tell me he loved me again, let alone hum or fix breakfast in bed. The more I thought about it, though, he probably hadn't even been to sleep. I'd never known Snape to sleep at all. Guess that's how those vampire rumors got started.

Sighing, happily for a change, I stretched fully and felt the tiny ache between my legs where Severus had worked m exp expertly last night. I also felt the intense burning shooting through the inside of my thighs- my legs had never been spread so far in my !
!

Not that I minded. I would live a million years with stretched out jelly legs if Severus Snape would put his hands on me (in me) again. Or his mouth. Or his...

Alright, so we hadn't really gotten that far last night. But I could only imagine what it'd be like. It would be wonderful and magical and perfect. It couldn't possibly hurt as much as people said- he'd popped my cherry last night and it hadn't hurt nearly as much as I had expected it to. He'd been slightly terror-stricken at the sight of my blood on his fingers, but he managed to get over it as it became exponentially easier for his fingers to move inside me and, therefore, exponentially easier for him to get me off.

After my first (and I'm not kidding you, my very FIRST) orgasm, Severus and I had explored for several more hours. After all was said and done (well, mostly done), I had succeeded in giving Severus two more orgasms- one with my hand all by myself and one, shockingly enough, with my mouth. I even swallowed like a good little girl! I hadn't intended to do it- I'd never even heard anything about it except what Ginny had told me and what I'd overheard from Lavender and Parvati, but I guess, and I hate myself for saying this, I was born to suck cock. And I liked doing it. A lot. Severus made some smart-ass comment about always being a know-it-all, so I punished him by making him return the favor.

I don't think he minded, though.

Severus, for all his blushing and aplogizing turned out to be quite good at everything he tried. Well, I would imagine he was; I had nothing to compare it to, but he did manage to get me off five times.

Yes, Severus Snape, once-loathed Potions Master, had been my personal tour guide in to the land of multiple orgasms. It is a magical place, and I was hoping to return soon.

The best part of the evening, though, came at the very end as we settled down to sleep. Actually, we pretty much collapsed on top of each other, but it sounds more romantic the other way. Anyway, we were lying together, my head on his chest, his arms protectively around me, when I heard him whisper in the softest voice I'd ever heard him use.

"I love you, Hermione."

I knew instantly that it had been an accident. I felt his arms stiffen and his heart begin to race. He may not have meant to say it, but I knew he felt it, so I did what any self-respecting girl who wanted a guy to stick around would do. I pretended I was already asleep. Severus let out a relieved sigh, relaxed his body, and snuggled closer to me, kissing my cheek before I drifted off to sleep for real.

And so, waking up, I had no real fear that Severus had left me. Maybe he was even in the shower nad I could catch him there. That would be fun- all that soapy, slippery gel and lotion and foam to play in! But as I left my room, I did not hear the shower running, and there was no trace of him in my father's study. Even the couch was put to rights.

Curiouser and curiouser...

Now I was beginning to worry. Not the way I should have been worried. I wasn't scared that he'd left me but that something had happened to him. He was sick, he was hurt, he was lonely, he was scared! I immediately felt a pang of guilt realizing what my mother, the world's biggest worrier, had felt every time I had done something dangerous. But I forced myself to take some calming breaths and convinced myself that Severus was just downstairs having breakfast (don't know what my sudden fascination with having Snape for breakfast, I mean, Snape having breakfast was), and so I walked down to the kitchen.

"Good morning, Hermione, dear."

Right words, wrong voice.

I smiled at the Headmaster kindly but quickly scanned the room for Snape. I could not see him, but he still could have been around the corner in the living room or downstairs in the basement or outside. He was here somewhere. He had to be. Where would he go? I really did not want to be rude to Dumbledobut but I could not help but ask.

"Where is Professor Snape?" I tried not to be too obviously anxious, but my voice quivered and shook. Dumbledore looked up at me, surprised.

"He did not tell you?" Good, Dumbledore knew where he was. That meant he couldn't be too far away, right? I shook my head vigorously. I didn't want to give myself away, but I really needed to know where he had gone in such a hurry.

"Oh dear! Well, perhaps he did not want to do anything toet iet in your vulnerable state, the day after your parents' funeral." There was a hint of insinuation in the old man's voice, but with that ever-present twinkle in his eyes, it was nearly impossible to tell if he meant anything other than what he'd said. "Professor Snape has left for Hogwarts already. He was quite anxious to leave and begin his summer research. I daresay none of us will see him until the beginning of term; he locks himself in the dungeons most summers and doesn't reemerge until late August if not later. He takes his research rather seriously, his way of making up for the atrocities he committed as a Death Eater, I believe." He looked at me pointedly then, as if I had forgotten that Severus had been, at one time, a not-so-nice guy. I stared right back at him. I knew everything Severus had been and I didn't care. In my opinion, he had atoned. "But that should be quite the relief to you, dear," Dumbledore chuckled, though I noticed the smile did not reach his eyes and that goddamn twinkle was missing for once. That should been my warning sign, but my hysterical premenstrual-my-parents-just-died-and-I-just-got-fingered-for-the-first-time-by-a-man-who-may-possibly-hate-me hormones were kicking into overdrive.

"What do you mean?" came my shaky voice. I will not cry. I will not cry.

"Well, its hardly a secret how you two feel about each ot"
"

Oh God, he knows! He knows!

"I don't think either of you could have existed much longer in such close quarters. No one questions the utter hatred you two have for each other. You should have seen how happy Severus was to leave. Kind of funny in a rude sort of way."

I hardly believed him. Well, I wanted to hardly believe him, but with everything that had gone on in the past week, my emotions flooded forward, and I excused myself under the guise of having to pack. Running up the stairs and closing and locking the door behind me, I cast a silencing spell before breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably, falling into a quivering heap against my door.

Unbeknownst to me, Dumbledore was downstairs watching the silver sparks spew from his wan, a dead, grim look on his face.

It wouldn't be so bad, would it? Severus would let me down into the dungeons, wouldn't he? He probably just stayed down there all summer because he hated everyone. I loved Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore as much as the next person, but to someone with Snape's personality, the two of them must be pretty bloody annoying- especially with them being the only ones in the castle.

But why had he left so suddenly and with no word to me? My mind raced, contemplating the events of the previous night, for once not grinning remembering his tongue...

Nevermind.

Was he upset by something I'd done? Was he upset by something I hadn't done?

What if what Dumbledore had said was true? What if Snape really didn't want me? What if he had just used me last night? I sobbed, alternately angry and miserable. I could not understand today's sudden turn of events. I had never expected Severus Snape to send romantic poetry or flowers and teddy bears, but I had never thought he'd leave me with no word. I mean, even after the incident the day of graduation, he'd made sure we talked about it. Why would he just leave?

Could it be that, after worrying how I would feel in the morning, *he* had regretted it?


****
Cradling Hermione in my arms, I felt sure nothing in my life could ever go wrong again. As she slept curled against me, so peaceful she was practically cooing, I felt a strange warmth flow over me, and I supposed it was something I'd never felt before in my life.

Acceptance.

For the first time in my life, I knew I was loved, and I truly loved her in return. I was smiling- may God have mercy on my pitiful soul- I was SMILING. Broadly. Grinning, in fact, if you want to be technical about it. I loved her and she loved me, and it was as close as I ever came to hearing Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" play through my head.

I had never expected this. I had never expected her to want me so voraciously or adore my so whole-heartedly. I had never expected her to care about giving me pleasure or for her to take me into her mouth with no prompting from me.

And I had never expected to love her. But I was, and for once in my miserable, pitiful life, I was happy.

That is, until I heard the angry knock on the door.

I had been halfway asleep when I heard it, and it startled me. Sitting up quickly, but careful not to wake Hermione, I panicked. Who on earth could it be? Suddenly visions of the ghost of Hermione's father, furious at me defiling his daughter in his own study on the night of his own funeral, floated through my mind. But a ghost would have been able to come through the door, and how was it I could hear the knock, anyway? I had seen Hermione cast the silencing spell.

Oh my God. Snape, you dumbass, silencing charms only work one way! How could I have been so stupid?

Oh, bugger it! I'm a Potions Master, not a Charms professor.

And as a cold dread crept through my veins, I knew there was only one person it could have been. The knock sounded again, but I did not want to answer it. He knew. Dumbledore knew and if he didn't know now, he would soon enough. There wasn't even anything here to cover Hermione's naked body.

Ooh, Hermione's naked body... I could not let my eyes linger.

Oh, I did not want to answer the door, but the knocking was becoming more insistent, and I feared he'd wake Hermione. Dumbledore may embarass me, but I would not allow him to humiliate Hermione.

Standing up and pulling on my pants, I quickly padded to the door. Pulling it open, I gazed upon a very angry-looking, very twinkle-less Headmaster.

"Get. Dressed. Now," he spat, meaner than I had ever heard him. And he had been less than pleased with me when I came back to him after joining the Death Eaters, to put it lightly. He watched me as I pulled on a plain t-shirt, his eyes never leaving me, disgust evident. "Follow me."

Uh... okay... But I'd really prefer to stay here in the warm cozy bed with the beautiful, sexy, not-very-underage girl who had been moaning my name several minutes ago.

Entering the kitchen, Dumbledore pointed to a chair, and I sat docilely, like one of his students. Since I had been one, it was really quite appropriate.

"Headmaster, I-"

"Shut your mouth, Severus," he sneered. Wow! Is that what I looked like when I did it? That was pretty fucking scary. "I have never been more disappointed with you in your whole life! How dare you? A student. On the night of her parents' funeral! How dare you take advantage of her?" Angry coursed through me, and it took all my will not to stand and fight- at once instinctively and animalistically protective of my love.

"I did not take advantage of her! She was a more than willing participant! And we didn't even... consummate... the relationship." The Headmaster and I were locked in a stony glare, and for once I had no desire to let him have his way just because of who he was and what he had done for me. Yes, he had saved my life by allowing me to turn sides. He had given me the job that had been my salvation as much as I hated to admit it. I owed him everything. But that night I was willing to give all of that up to be with my Hermione.

"Shut it, Severus! You know as well as I do that I am referring more to the intimacy than the act itself! Besides, I do not wish to hear details. I would have expected someone who has been in contact with youth as long as you have would have understood that she was not looking for you- she was looking for a way to bury her emotions. You may just as well have given her a hallucinagenic potion, and that's not particularly moral, either!"

My face flushed with embarassment, and for the first time since she'd whispered her need for me, I questioned my actions. My heart sank at his words, my confidence fading fast. Hermione had basically told me the same thing- that she needed SOMETHING to hold her interest. Had I been a fool to believe that she had wanted me and not just my cock? But she had kissed me the last day of class, hadn't she? She had let me hold her and, though she'd pretended to be asleep to help me forget my discomfort, I knew she'd heard me tell her I loved her.

"I love her," was all I could choke out, suddenly unsure of everything. Dumbledore gave me the most condescending look I've ever seen, and under other circumstances, I would have been eager to see him repeat it so I could copy it. But then, I was exhausted, defeated, and utterly sure I would be heart-broken soon.

"You are old enough to be her father, Severus! Do you think she loves you? How could she? You have been nothing but condescending and rude to her for seven years. In fact, wasn't it just a few weeks ago that she came to me, crying that you'd insulted her and her dead friends? She does not want you, Severus. She is, perhaps, looking for a substitute for her father, but she does not love you. You took advantage."

"No." My world was crashing around me. Hermione loved me. She had to. A good girl like Hermione would not throw herself at a man who she did not have feelings for.

"Yes. You crossed the line. You are to leave immediately; your new marching orders are hereby presented to you. You are to return to Hogwarts immediately. You will have no contact with Hermione, and if I find out that you have so much as owled her, I will terminate you as Potions Master."

"Hermione is a legal adult in our world! You just finished telling her that, as such, she will have full freedom on Hogwarts grounds and in Hogsmeade! You cannot stop her from seeing me or from doing anything she wills, for that matter!"

"She is under my supervision until she turns eighteen. My will supercedes our laws. For all intents and purposes, I am acting as her father, and as any gfathfather would do, I will not allow you to hurt her."

"I have no intention urtiurting her!" I did stand then, banging my fists on Hermione's kitchen table. It was about thity-seven years too late for me to have a temper tantrum, but I felt justified in my actions.

"But you have no intention of honoring her feelings, either! Severus, pay very close attention to me. Hermione Granger is not in love with you. She is grieving. She is lonely, and you are painfully wanting and willing. She WILL regret this in the morning, and she WILL hate you for it. Hermione will be at the castle all summer and for the beginning of the term. While you are there, it will be inevitable that you will come into contact with her occasionally, but I swear to you that if you seek her out, you will be most severly punished."

"You cannot force me away from her." I had read several Muggle publications during my time at the Granger household and had become acquainted with the term "stalker." It sounded like a good idea to me...

"Severus, I am warning you. doe does not love you. She does not want you. In the morning, she will be humiliated. Leave now, Severus. I am ordering you. Go."

"My things are upstairs."

Dumbledore's icy demeanor did not melt a bit, and he pointed harshly at the staircase. He can be a real bugger, can't he?

"You have five minutes, and if your touch her, I'll know it."

Walking up the stairs as one condemned, my heart sank. It could not be true. Hermione would never have let me do what I'd done, and she never would have done what she'd done if she didn't have feelings for me. But so much of what Dumbledore had said was true. I had never treated her well. She had never been particularly fond of me. Truth be told, I had had my doubts about her intentions myself. Why would it be so far-fetched that she would regret this in the morning?

Pushing the door open, I gasped as I saw her softly snoring form in the moonlight. Tears formed in my eyes, and I let them fall. I knew Dubledore knew I had lied. I didn't have much up here, and it was nothing I couldn't have had him bring back. But I had to see her, and as I stood over her, my heart broke. I actually felt it. I knew she loved me. No matter what Dumbledore said, I could not allow myself to believe that she didn't. And as the tears fell down my face, I bent low to gently kiss her lips for the last time.

"I love you, Hermione. Believe me, I truly love you."

Twisting in her sleep, Hermione smiled and clasped a pillow tightly to herself. I wiped my eyes and apparated straight from the den to my office at Hogwarts.

If I ever laid eyes on Albus Dumbledore again, it would too soon.

************A/N********************
THANK YOU:
Chloe: Thank you so much!

deblovesdragon: Now, now, now- I only promised not to kill anyone for another chapter! But it will probably be very hard to kill anyone els for for a while... God, I sound morbid, don't I? Glad you liked "Baby Got Back." Just one of those things you visualize for no real reason and can't get out of your head. Hope you liked the chapter!

Susan: I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend's family. I hope that in some small, insignificant way this story has helped and that you and your friend are okay. I thank you sincerely for all of you kind words, and I want you to know that each of them has helped me immensely! Thank you.

GFeather: Isn't it a bit selfishnot not let me know anything about you when you can see my profile anytime you want? Just kidding. But just let me know- TV's B&B or Disney's or both? I love Vincent, but I also love the other incarnations of the legend.

WendyNat: Thanks for the review. I was quite scared to do the smuth thing, but I'm glad you liked it!

Titania: Thank you so much! I did, unfortunately, base the wake/funeral on my own reactions to my father's, but it has made writing it more believable. Well, actually it inspirhe whe whole damn story, but anyway... Thank you for your kind words and praise. They are truly appreciated! And I love your e-mail address! Much Ado About Nothing is one of my favorites!

GrrArrg: Thank you once again, queen of all that is smutty. Watford, huh? Isn't that where Geri Halliwell grew up (I'm a Spice Girls addict- voted most likely to be the next Spice Girl when I graduated high school)? Glad to know you knew Cartman- I never know what American things you know in England. I was pretty sure South Park was a world wide phenomenon... so, screw you guys, I'm going home.

Shem: I would be honored to join your ranks and keep some of the lesser Death Eaters. Not Crabbe and Goyle, though. Yuck. It is good to see you have a straight-forward goal in life and have made strides to accomplish it. Admirable, really. ;)

spaz141: Thank you!

Super Jesus Lestat: Thank you, though your name worries me considerably... :)

And for those of you who were kind enough to tell me about you:
I am 22, from Cleveland, Ohio, USA. I have majored in English, Musical Theatre, and Opera/ Vocal Performance and have not graduated from any of those programs as I realized I was spending a lot of money to basically come out with a degree in Retail Management. I trained for six months to be a professional wrestler, but then my dad died and my life went to hell. I manage a store in a dying mall and am also a certified wedding planner/ bridal consultant. Which doesn't depress me at all since the only thing I've ever wanted in my whole life is to get married and I can't find a man of my own. Nope, doesn't depress me at all. I am semi-goth (like the music, fashion, clubs, but not the whole mindset), and I like HP (duh), Evanescence (duh again), WWE, vampires, Star Trek (nothing after DS9), toilet humor, and getting good reviews!!!

KEEP READING!!!!!