100 Ways to Kill a Weasley
folder
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female › Snape/Hermione
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
93
Views:
41,853
Reviews:
236
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female › Snape/Hermione
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
93
Views:
41,853
Reviews:
236
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Hormones Are Bad for Your Health
Disclaimer: Characters and universe—not mine. * shrug *
Warning: Incest. Lots of It. Abuse of Capitalization. Bad Grammar.
Author’s Note to Ms_Figg: Er, not the fic I mentioned, Ruth.
Hormones Are Bad for Your Health
“Oh shite,” Ron uttered as his stared at his daughter. Why did Hermione have to be at that conference right now? He never thought they’d have to have this discussion with Rose. Ever. They didn’t cover genetics at Hogwarts, after all, and magic can be blamed for just about any situation. Denial was a state that all fathers preferred when it came to their little girls, and Ron loved Denial dearly.
Rose’s bottom lip quivered and she began to wail even harder. “Rose, sweetie, I’m not upset for the reason you’re thinking,” Ron said hurriedly, awkwardly patting his daughter’s shoulder. “I can never be upset about the prospect of a new grandchild, no matter the difficulty of the circumstances.” Utter bollocks, of course. Rose had two more years at Hogwarts and was Much Too Young to have a child, but Ron had been trained to not go Berserk on the children through very many very painful curses and hexes. (Even the dumbest of animals can be trained through positive and negative reinforcement.) How dare some teenage male lay a hand on his innocent princess! Unfortunately, the father of his new grandchild was much more frog than prince, and Ron was going to have to explain Why Scorpius Malfoy Was Bad News. By himself. Without Hermione.
Ron took a deep breath. And another. After ten minutes of alternate nostril breathing—Hermione had decided it was a Good Idea for her husband to find Inner Peace through yoga—Rose quietly mumbled “Daddy?” while looking at him apprehensively.
Ron took more deep breaths. “Sweetpea, you may have suspected this for some time. Your mother and I love each other dearly, but we have an open marriage. That means we are committed to each other but can sleep with other people.”
“What does that have to do with . . .”?
Ron cut her off. “I love you, Hugo, and the twins very, very much, but you and the twins are not my biological offspring.” Ron barreled on while he still had some courage. “Your father is Draco Malfoy. One of the twins was fathered by your Uncle Harry. The other was fathered by your mother’s friend Severus Snape. It was during a foursome we had with them—no fivesome—Ginny was there too—but I always forget which one has which father.” His eyes glazed. That had been a brilliant weekend. Then he remembered the Situation and shook himself out of his reverie.
“Don’t worry sweetpea,” he said in what he thought was a comforting manner, giving Rose more fatherly pats. “I’m sure your child will be perfectly healthy and fine. Ginny and I are brother and sister, and Lily came out just fine.”
Rose just sat quietly in shock. Eventually, Ron ran out of Comforting Things to say. He tentatively reached out and touched Rose. All was quiet. Then she began to scream, and everything exploded in a horrible rush of light, energy, and sound.
Hermione arrived home to find a shallow crater instead of a house. Aurors were milling about everywhere.
“Hermione!” Harry shouted and rushed over to her and Severus.
“What happened? Where’s Ronald? Where’s Humphrey and Hubert?” Hermione asked in a choked voice.
“The twins were at Molly’s; they’re fine. There was an explosion and . . . . Ronald’s gone, Hermione.”
Hermione collapsed against Severus and began crying. Severus raised an eyebrow at Harry and glared while wrapping his arms around Hermione. “And what caused this explosion, Mr. Potter?” he asked.
“From what we gathered, Rose is pregnant”—Hermione’s head snapped up—“And Scorpius Malfoy is the father.” Hermione winced. “Apparently Ron told her about Scorpius being her half-brother. She and the baby both became extremely distressed and sent out a giant wave of wild magic that flattened everything nearby.” Harry gestured behind him. “Rose and the baby were found shaken but safe at the epicenter, but Ron got caught in the . . . well, he didn’t make it.” Harry shifted uncomfortably. He wasn’t willing to go into more graphic terms. Hermione was pregnant and he rather not meet Ron’s Fate. Magical pregnant women are Dangerous. Teenage pregnant witches doubly so, but older witches still had entirely too many hormones to be safe.
Hermione sobbed into Severus’s shoulder as he held her and gently rubbed her back. “Shhhh,” he murmured and his hand moved up to stroke her hair. After a while, Hermione’s sobs calmed and she looked up into his face. “What do I do now?” she whispered. Ronald was gone. Ronald was an Idiot, but he was Her Idiot. This hurt almost as much as when Crookshanks passed away.
Severus held her tighter, closed his eyes for a minute, and composed his thoughts. He wanted to live through Hermione’s pregnancy, after all. He opened his eyes, took a breath, and cupped her face. “You could marry me. I could help you raise the kids. Your newest one is my spawn, after all. Besides,” he swallowed, “I love you.”
Hermione searched his eyes and then nodded. “Alright,” she said. “Alright.”
“But,” he whispered into her ear, “I want to name this child.”
Hermione smacked him in the stomach. No one made fun of her children’s names.
Author’s Note: No offense intended towards any Hugos, Humphreys, or Huberts out there.
Warning: Incest. Lots of It. Abuse of Capitalization. Bad Grammar.
Author’s Note to Ms_Figg: Er, not the fic I mentioned, Ruth.
“Oh shite,” Ron uttered as his stared at his daughter. Why did Hermione have to be at that conference right now? He never thought they’d have to have this discussion with Rose. Ever. They didn’t cover genetics at Hogwarts, after all, and magic can be blamed for just about any situation. Denial was a state that all fathers preferred when it came to their little girls, and Ron loved Denial dearly.
Rose’s bottom lip quivered and she began to wail even harder. “Rose, sweetie, I’m not upset for the reason you’re thinking,” Ron said hurriedly, awkwardly patting his daughter’s shoulder. “I can never be upset about the prospect of a new grandchild, no matter the difficulty of the circumstances.” Utter bollocks, of course. Rose had two more years at Hogwarts and was Much Too Young to have a child, but Ron had been trained to not go Berserk on the children through very many very painful curses and hexes. (Even the dumbest of animals can be trained through positive and negative reinforcement.) How dare some teenage male lay a hand on his innocent princess! Unfortunately, the father of his new grandchild was much more frog than prince, and Ron was going to have to explain Why Scorpius Malfoy Was Bad News. By himself. Without Hermione.
Ron took a deep breath. And another. After ten minutes of alternate nostril breathing—Hermione had decided it was a Good Idea for her husband to find Inner Peace through yoga—Rose quietly mumbled “Daddy?” while looking at him apprehensively.
Ron took more deep breaths. “Sweetpea, you may have suspected this for some time. Your mother and I love each other dearly, but we have an open marriage. That means we are committed to each other but can sleep with other people.”
“What does that have to do with . . .”?
Ron cut her off. “I love you, Hugo, and the twins very, very much, but you and the twins are not my biological offspring.” Ron barreled on while he still had some courage. “Your father is Draco Malfoy. One of the twins was fathered by your Uncle Harry. The other was fathered by your mother’s friend Severus Snape. It was during a foursome we had with them—no fivesome—Ginny was there too—but I always forget which one has which father.” His eyes glazed. That had been a brilliant weekend. Then he remembered the Situation and shook himself out of his reverie.
“Don’t worry sweetpea,” he said in what he thought was a comforting manner, giving Rose more fatherly pats. “I’m sure your child will be perfectly healthy and fine. Ginny and I are brother and sister, and Lily came out just fine.”
Rose just sat quietly in shock. Eventually, Ron ran out of Comforting Things to say. He tentatively reached out and touched Rose. All was quiet. Then she began to scream, and everything exploded in a horrible rush of light, energy, and sound.
Hermione arrived home to find a shallow crater instead of a house. Aurors were milling about everywhere.
“Hermione!” Harry shouted and rushed over to her and Severus.
“What happened? Where’s Ronald? Where’s Humphrey and Hubert?” Hermione asked in a choked voice.
“The twins were at Molly’s; they’re fine. There was an explosion and . . . . Ronald’s gone, Hermione.”
Hermione collapsed against Severus and began crying. Severus raised an eyebrow at Harry and glared while wrapping his arms around Hermione. “And what caused this explosion, Mr. Potter?” he asked.
“From what we gathered, Rose is pregnant”—Hermione’s head snapped up—“And Scorpius Malfoy is the father.” Hermione winced. “Apparently Ron told her about Scorpius being her half-brother. She and the baby both became extremely distressed and sent out a giant wave of wild magic that flattened everything nearby.” Harry gestured behind him. “Rose and the baby were found shaken but safe at the epicenter, but Ron got caught in the . . . well, he didn’t make it.” Harry shifted uncomfortably. He wasn’t willing to go into more graphic terms. Hermione was pregnant and he rather not meet Ron’s Fate. Magical pregnant women are Dangerous. Teenage pregnant witches doubly so, but older witches still had entirely too many hormones to be safe.
Hermione sobbed into Severus’s shoulder as he held her and gently rubbed her back. “Shhhh,” he murmured and his hand moved up to stroke her hair. After a while, Hermione’s sobs calmed and she looked up into his face. “What do I do now?” she whispered. Ronald was gone. Ronald was an Idiot, but he was Her Idiot. This hurt almost as much as when Crookshanks passed away.
Severus held her tighter, closed his eyes for a minute, and composed his thoughts. He wanted to live through Hermione’s pregnancy, after all. He opened his eyes, took a breath, and cupped her face. “You could marry me. I could help you raise the kids. Your newest one is my spawn, after all. Besides,” he swallowed, “I love you.”
Hermione searched his eyes and then nodded. “Alright,” she said. “Alright.”
“But,” he whispered into her ear, “I want to name this child.”
Hermione smacked him in the stomach. No one made fun of her children’s names.
Author’s Note: No offense intended towards any Hugos, Humphreys, or Huberts out there.