100 Ways to Kill a Weasley

Hermione

It had been eight years since the final battle of Hogwarts. The chosen one had saved the wizarding world, then found the girl of his dreams and started making babies. Ron and Hermione his stalwart side-kicks had done the expected thing and got married and were supposedly very happy. The problem, Hermione thought, was the subtle irony of the 'supposedly.'

Ron hadn’t changed much since his Hogwart days. He still loved Quidditch and the Chuddley Cannons. He was still messy and apt to put his foot in it, and still unfortunately had never really lost the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Hermione was tired. She was tired of being the brains behind the couple and tired of apologising for being intelligent. And now with the prospect of turning twenty-five, Hermione was thinking seriously of separation. She didn’t know how Ron would deal with it but she knew that she had had enough.

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Snape

Severus Snape had prepared for the Battle of Hogwarts since the death of Dumbledore. He knew it was coming and having studied Nagini had been taking anti-dotes for her venom since the time he fled Hogwarts and went completely undercover as the Dark Lord’s potions maker.

So when on that fateful day Voldermort ordered Nagini to “kill”, he was not unprepared. He needed Potter to leave him and so he gave him the memories that would help the brat to do what was needed, before passing out, knowing that the anti-dote took time to kick in. He wasn’t a fool, he didn’t make any moves to heal himself before he knew that the brats had left, and he was all alone. Slowly, the fog in his mind cleared, and he heard the distant roars of battle. He had to get away, who ever won, he knew he couldn’t be found like this, he’d lost too much blood, and the antidote, although strong enough to stop the venom from killing him, had not done anything to curb the staggering loss of blood and debilitating spasms that now racked his body.

Taking a deep gulp of breath, Snape conjuring a pair of crutches and dragged himself to a standing position. Then, with a grimace and a wince he Apparated to a safe house known to no one but himself, close to the Forest of Dean.

By the time Severus Snape was well enough to face the wizarding world, the-boy-who-lived had declared him a hero. The Daily Prophet ran article after article of his bravery, and how they owed their victory to the now dead, but venerated Professor Snape. Hence when Severus quietly owled McGonagall, he wasn’t surprised that four Order members turned up to make sure he wasn’t some crazy Death Eater wannabe but the real Snape. Arthur Weasley was there, as was Hagrid, McGonagall and the new Minister for Magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt.

When Snape explained how he’s managed to elude both sides and make his escape from Hogwarts, the Order was pleased to note that it was done so that none of the still uncounted for Death Eaters knew of his presence. Soon enough, Severus was back at Headquarters, being tendered too by Molly, who was doing her best to mother everyone who had survived the battle in an attempt to cope with the staggering losses that her family and friends had borne.

Thus, when the eighth anniversary of the battle drew near and Hermione decided that she really had to leave Ron or kill him, Snape was near enough to notice and do what was necessary.

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The Party

The celebrations were being held at the Burrow. Last year’s massive celebration at Hogwarts had been a bit over the top, but what with Voldermort’s fascination with the number seven it had been felt that Hogwarts was a fitting place for the reunion. This year though, the Order had decided that a more low-key affair was better suited, and the guest list was made up mostly of Order members or victors.

The Burrow’s lawn had been decorated with red and gold Chinese lanterns and the tables groaned with food and drink. Molly had outdone herself in an attempt to celebrate her now famous family and remember the dearly departed.

Ron as usual had had too much Firewhiskey. Hermione sighed watching Ron make a fool of himself over Lavender who was looking particularly delectable in a low strapless ivory gown. She knew he was sleeping with her, in fact she had walked in on them shagging in guest room of Grimauld Place last Christmas when she had gone looking for Teddy and Victorie to make them go to bed, but she wished he wouldn’t be so obvious and embarrass her.

Hermione herself was looking very fetching in a deep blue halter dress, but since she didn’t have her boobs in display, and Lavender did, it was the usual form for Ron to be ogling what was so blatantly on display.

Severus watched from the corner with his wine goblet in hand. Finally seeing that Hermione was not really bothered about Weasley’s obvious leering, and possible infidelity he slowly glided over to her.

“Doesn’t Weasley’s obvious attempts to cheat on you matter any more Miss Granger?” asked Snape silkily. “Or are his tender ministrations not to your preference any longer?”

Hermione laughed.

“Ron and tender ministrations don’t really go in the same sentence professor.”

Then after a thoughtful pause she continued, “I guess after all these years I should get used to it, but I keep hoping he’ll grow up or something. He still acts the way he did when we were in school, and it’s grown from being cute and comforting to just plain boring.”

These words were balm to Severus’s soul. He’d been trying to get Hermione to see Ron for what he was for the last seven years, ever since the night of the 1st anniversary party, he had finally seen her as the woman she had now become. His thoughts went back to that night, when Hermione had walked in to raucous applause with Potter and Weasley looking utterly womanly and beautiful in a mint green Grecian gown. He had always found her intelligent, but had to admit that that was the first time that he had acknowledged that she had grown into a woman.

“So, what are you going to do about it Miss Granger?” asked Snape in a quiet yet silky drawl.

“Do about it?” asked Hermione dully. “What can I do?”

“Divorce is not unheard of in the wizarding world, nor are permanent separations. And I’m sure it would be easy enough to find a proper man to take his place” said Snape with a sneer in his voice.

“A proper man?” asked Hermione with a slight catch in her voice – “do you mean, what I think you mean Professor.”

Snape sniggered.

“And what it is you think I mean Miss Granger?”

It only then struck Hermione that Snape had never called her Mrs Weasley, and had for all the time she’d known him continued to call her Miss Granger, for all the world as if her marriage to Ron had never taken place. She now wondered if it was perhaps because he had never wanted to acknowledge it. How interesting.

Just then, there was the sound of screaming. Turning suddenly they both saw that the party were under attack from six or seven masked Death Eaters. It seemed as if the new generation had chosen the anniversary party to stage a re-enactment of the Final Battle. The futility and absurdity of this gesture was soon lost to the screams and yells. Then the sound of hexes flying and screamed curses filled the air.

The members of the Order were older and they hadn’t been as much in practice as it was obvious the attackers were. Hence the disturbance had quickly gone from being a foolish endeavour to a dangerous one. Thankfully, though enough Aurors were in attendance to make the fight almost equal. Soon she heard rather than saw, Lavender shriek as a Death Eater reached the line of bushes where she was hiding.

Ron, foolish Ron turned his back on the man he was duelling and raced to the rescue, and didn’t see a roared cruse that came towards him. He had a foolish look on his face as the curse hit him at the back of his head. As he slowly fell, it was to see Lavender rushing to his side, shrieking.

Then as quickly at the attack had begun, it ended. The attacked seemed more to demonstrate that the Death Eaters were alive and well, rather than to be a challenge to ministerial and Order power. When the dust cleared, it seemed the only dead were Ron and the now old Mr Lovegood, Luna’s dad who had taken a slicing hex to the throat. The others were shaken, Percy was stunned, Neville had a really bad gash in his leg, and young Teddy an enormous bump from where he had obviously been caught by a falling piece of furniture.

Hermione didn’t know what to think. One moment she was discussing how to leave Ron, and the next – well within the next he was dead. She didn’t know if she should weep or laugh at the way her problem had been solved for her. Seeing her shock and near hysteria Severus stepped in. With a quick glance at McGonagall to indicate she should keep an eye on the others, he quickly gathered Hermione into his arms and drew her aside into the gloom of the nearby broom shed.

Molly too distraught at losing another child was keening her despair. Harry and Ginny were trying to calm her, while George was looking as if he was slowly loosing the last vestiges of sanity. Then, Snape saw Angelina Johnson go to him and hold him while he sobbed into her shoulder.

Finally, thought Snape, Johnson’s doing something right.

Drawing Hermione even deeper into the shadows of the lawn and the shed, Severus said, “Miss Granger, are you ok?”

Hermione didn’t know how to answer – she could see everyone crying, rushing around tending the injured, but she couldn’t really move. She was too shocked; this was so sudden, even worse than the Final Battle.

“Who were they? “Why did they attack?” she finally asked.

“It’s probably young Goyle, Nott and Avery and their cohorts. Don’t worry about them; the ministry will have them in Azkaban before long. They’ve been planning something and we’ve been watching them. We just didn’t know what it was, but we’ve got enough to arrest them now, never fear.”

“Oh” said Hermione. “So you knew . . .”

“Yes” said Snape shortly, “but are you ok? You didn’t answer my question.”

Hermione slowly looked up at him. It was only then that she realised that he was still holding her in his arms, and that she rather liked it. In fact, considering that her so-called husband was lying dead, with the still wailing and weeping Lavender on his prostrate body, she was rather glad to have Snape’s arms around her.

Unsure of how and what to say Hermione licked her lips. She watched Snape watch her, his eyes hooded, his lips mimicking her gesture. And then, she sighed, so that her warm breath touched his ridiculously close face.

Hermione watched fascinated as his face and lips followed her sigh to her lips. And then, just before he’d touched her with his devilishly sexy mouth she breathed, “I think I might, but …”

“But,” sighed Snape, his lips a whisper away from Hermione’s own, “what does that but mean?”

Hermione moaned at the almost brush of his lips as he spoke.

“It means, that I might need some assistance in managing my grief.”

That made Snape back away and raise a sardonic eye-brow at her.

Needing, missing his closeness, Hermione drew him closer once more when her hands on his robes to murmur, “it means, I might need something to make me forget what just happened.”

His eyes glittering and darkening with passion, Snape lowered his head, and finally captured Hermione’s lips in his own. His kiss was searing, demanding, completely compelling and nothing like the ones Ron had given her. This she realised was going to be very different from her years with Ron.

Soon however, one kiss led to another, until unable to control herself, she slid her hands over his chest to tangle in his hair. And Snape, the man who never really let go moaned against her throat, growled against her ear and drew back.

It was good that Severus did move away, for when they finally broke apart, they found Ginny staring at them from across the lawn. No one else seemed to have noticed, but Ginny, perceptive Ginny had seen. Hermione and Ginny then both looked at Ron, to see Lavender still clinging to his dead body, not letting Hagrid pull her way. At that, Ginny nodded to Hermione as if in understanding and turned back to Luna who was sobbing at the side of her father while clutching Neville for all she was worth. Neville meanwhile was trying to comfort Luna while allowing Fleur to mend the gash in his leg that was oozing a kind of thick black pus.

Thinking that she should perhaps move out of Severus’s strong grip she started slowly pulling away.

“I really should go to Molly” said Hermione.

“Do you know I can read you like a book Miss Granger” said Snape throatily. “Don’t even attempt to escape. Molly is fine, the rest are too busy to notice, and I think we have unfinished business.”

“Unfinished business?” whispered Hermione. “What do you mean?”

And then gasped another strangled “Oh” when he pulled her back into his arms, his arousal firm against her stomach has he brought his head down for another forceful, all consuming, mind numbing kiss.