A Series of Connecting the Dots

Author's Note: At this point Laurel and I are beta'ing each other's chapters while Robert is away with far too much work to handle. Let's see what Harry decides to do with my note....

Chapter 8 – Harry – Who to trust?

I’ve held myself together for so long now and I don’t even know why, it just seemed to be important that I was ‘okay’. The truth is I’m not. I’m so exhausted that I can’t lie to myself anymore, but admitting that I’m not coping is even harder to do. Trouble is it’s getting nearly impossible to ignore, especially now that I’m almost certain I’m going nuts. Part of me wonders whether insanity was an inevitable conclusion for me; anyone who plans to take on a psycho like Voldemort has to be a little insane, right? I’ve lost everything I’ve ever loved, and this time I can’t blame it all on Voldemort, this was my doing. Sometimes I think I deserve the consequences of my mistakes, but sometimes I wonder if I ever really had what I thought I did. And if never really had it, could I ever really lose it? I was led to believe that true friendship transcends all things, all mistakes. I wonder if I ever really had ‘true friends’ in Hermione and Ron, or if the concept of lifelong friends who stand by you through all of life’s trials had been idealised to the point of fantasy.

I’ve been thinking about Malfoy a lot lately as well, too much I think, but I haven’t yet been able to push him from my mind. It’s infuriating the way he’s forced himself into my life, but I’m not sure if I’m more angry at him for his presence, or if I’m angry with myself for how I’m reacting to him. I lose my mind when he’s around. I can’t believe how stupid I was letting Mike kiss me in front of the whole school, it was as though everyone else had faded into the distance and in that big hall there was only Malfoy watching me. Of course the reality of the situation was much different and now Ron won’t even stay in the same room as me if he can help it.

Then there’s the less public way I’ve been reacting to Malfoy; yesterday I wanked over him, picturing his face as he watched Mike suck me off and imagining it was his mouth and not Mike’s. But that’s not the most worrying reaction, what scares me most is that I’m still a virgin. As a teenage boy, my main goal in life is to have lots of sex – a slight exaggeration considering the Voldemort situation, but you get the idea – so why is my cock and my arse still painfully chaste? Mike has been more than keen, annoyingly so, and I’ve been finding excuses to delay our inevitable fucking. Before this Ginny fiasco I was all for it and now I’m not so sure, it’s only a matter of time before he manages to fill my ‘in a proper and private bedroom’ requirement and I’ll have to give in. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, a few short weeks ago I was happy to lose my virginity thrusting up against Greenhouse Three! The only reason I can think of that makes even a small amount of sense is Malfoy, although I still don’t know why. I don’t understand why I’m so reluctant to have my first time with Mike? Am I saving myself for Malfoy? No. That’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Sure, he’s been the focus of my thoughts for the last few days. Sure, just one look from him feels like someone’s lit a match inside my chest, but that’s all explainable - Malfoy can make anyone feel like that. He’s the classic bad boy; he could melt the heart of the purest souls – hell, especially the pure ones! – But that doesn’t mean I want him to be my boyfriend. Mike is a much safer option and I don’t get enough ‘safe’ in my life, I better grab it while I can, right?

I needed to find a way to stop thinking about Malfoy and the note I currently held in my hand was probably a good distraction to start me off. I’d received it by owl late last night, obviously Remus didn’t want me to receive it publicly at breakfast, and I’d woken Ron in the process of retrieving it. He almost looked like he was going to ask me who it was from and my heart seized with hope, but again I was disappointed; he firmly shut his mouth and disappeared back into his bed. That one moment clearly told me that if he ever wanted my friendship again he could have it. He could have whatever he wanted from me because he would forever be my brother, whether he ever uttered another word to me or not; perhaps true friendship did exist after all, but it wasn’t always mutual. I was so angry with myself I almost screamed my frustrations into the still night air of my dorm room. Why was I so controlled by my heart? Did my head have no say? Nothing I thought made any sense to me anymore.

My life – my sanity – felt like sand slipping through my fingers and I was powerless to stop it.

Remus had obviously heard about my current exiled position in Gryffindor – hell, in Hogwarts – and his note requested that I meet him at the Shrieking Shack at midnight tonight. I assumed he wanted me to explain what happened, but I didn’t know what he would say about it. I didn’t even know what I would say about it. I made my way down to the Whomping Willow underneath my invisibility cloak to the start of the secret passage; I found the long tree branch without too much trouble and easily pushed in the knot to freeze the tree. I slinked underneath it and slipped easily into the passageway leading to the shack.

I was filthy by the time I entered the quiet house, freeing myself from the confines of the tunnel; cobwebs covered my clothes and my hands were smudged with dirt -my face too, probably.

“Thanks for coming, Harry,” Remus said as he stepped out of the darkness. “It’s been a long time since we were here. Sirius was with us then,” he reminisced. My heart ached as I thought of my late Godfather. “How are you?”

I just shrugged in response. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I hadn’t yet said out loud that I wasn’t okay. When Mike asked I always said ‘fine’ even though he knew I wasn’t, I could tell he knew from the pitying looks he gave me.

“I heard what happened with Ginny,” he continued when I didn’t say anything, I was still lost in thoughts of Sirius and the last time I was here, plunging after an apparent mass murderer to save my once-best friend. “How did that happen?” he asked sternly, almost like a parent.

I tensed instantly. “I’m a worthless cheater, didn’t you hear? Too full of myself and my own fame to care who else I hurt,” I spat, paraphrasing the insults and accusations of my housemates.

“Is that what they told you?” he growled angrily, but his displeasure was not directed at me, rather at my absent housemates. “I’m not here to lecture you,” he said soothingly and it was strangely effective on my turbulent mood. “I’m here to help in any way I can, this must be very difficult for you. I – I’m surprised at Hermione and Ron,” he finished tentatively.

My shoulders slumped. I’d been suppressing so much hurt and anger for so long it was only natural that it caught up with me. I was angry and scared and alone, I had no one to turn to and no one to lean on now that it was all becoming too much. Remus had come just when I needed him to and it was like his words released me and I fell into him crying at the unfairness of it all. I explained what had happened with Mike and how I’d ended up in a relationship with Ginny in the first place – I don’t even remember a specific moment when I agreed to the relationship, she just starting going around telling people I was her boyfriend and I stupidly didn’t correct her. I told him how I was treated now and how Hermione and Ron had abandoned me without even trying to work it out.

“You need to force them,” he told me. “I know this hurts and they’ve been very immature and very unfair to you – perhaps they too bought into the idea of you being the hero and forgot that you were just as human as the rest of us – but I need you to consider trying to win them back.”

“Win them back? How? Why?” I gaped at his suggestion, I was truly shocked. I wanted them back more than anything, but what more did he think I could do? And even if I had them back there was no telling what kind of friendship we would have, certainly not one resembling what we had before. Besides, they left me; they walked away, wasn’t it up to them to return if they wanted our friendship back?

“Did you beg?” he answered with a half-laugh like he was sort of kidding but not really.

“No, I did not beg,” I snapped. I would not sacrifice what little dignity I have left by begging. “If someone doesn’t want you, you can’t force them!” Someone really needed to tell Malfoy that.

“I understand that, but Harry, you need them,” he insisted, almost pleading with me. “For this fight if nothing else; if you do this alone you won’t survive it.”

“I don’t need them,” I argued. “I can do this without them, I already have a plan!”

“Let’s hear it then,” he challenged folding his arms in front of his chest.

“Well, I – I, um,” I stuttered.

“Yes?”

“Inside information,” I blurted out. “I have a source; he can get me information and access.” Not that Malfoy knew he was my source, or had agreed to provide me with those things, but he would, eventually, even if I had to chain him to the ceiling by his ankles to do it.

“And what? You just stroll in with your source and kill You-Know-Who?” Remus asked sceptically. “Who is this source anyway? A Death Eater? How do you know he’s legitimate? How can you be sure he’s not double crossing you?”

“I just know okay!” I retorted. It was lame, I know, but I didn’t have any answers to those questions and Remus’ logic was infuriating me.

“You need to be careful, Harry,” he warned me. “This is your life you’re gambling with, this could turn out badly for you.”

“Who cares if it did anyway,” I snapped, trying to swallow back the lump that formed in my throat as I realised I meant what I was saying more than I should. “What do I have left to live for?”

Remus winced at my words. “So much more than you know,” he whispered to me softly as fresh tears wet my cheeks. “I’ve been where you are and it’s a truly scary place to be. To lose hope, to lose sight of your future, there’s no darker place. But you must be strong, draw your light from anywhere you can, do all the things that make you happy, and if you need help ask for it!”

I just nodded weakly. When I thought of the people in my life strong enough to support me through something like that I was surprised to find Malfoy’s face shining brighter in my mind than any other. He was strong enough to support me, definitely; he could do it if I needed him to, but would he do it?

“Your friends still love you no matter how angry they are right now,” Remus whispered. “You can’t just turn love off, its not a switch in your heart, I’m sure you’ve tried to turn off your feelings for them many times since they’ve hurt you, right?” I didn’t answer, I didn’t move, but he was right I had, and despite my best efforts I still loved them. “It would be the same for them, they are hurting without you too and if you need them they will help you, I know they would.”

It frightened me the way Remus was looking at me, I could almost see myself reflected in his eyes and I didn’t like what I saw. I was pathetic. I knew exactly what he was saying to me though; if I felt like hurting myself I was to go to my old friends, he was sure they would help. I wish I were as confident as he was about that fact.

I left Remus nearly three hours after I’d first entered the shack and I felt numb with fatigue and drained of emotion. Was it really that bad that he was worried I’d hurt myself? Maybe even kill myself? I didn’t know. I certainly wouldn’t mind dying, but I was sure I wasn’t actively seeking it. I hadn’t reached that point just yet, but Remus was right, with the current state of my life, it was something I should monitor.

My other worry was Malfoy. On top of the worries I held over my attraction to him, I was also beginning to wonder about his feelings for me. They did seem a little out of the blue, especially when he moved so quickly from open hatred to a wish to bed me. That’s probably all it was though, just a shallow desire to fuck me and be done with it.

I worried, too, about my lack of a set plan. Sure I had an overall idea about what I might do, but no clear steps. Hermione had always organised the plans and, when she wasn’t around, I tended to do best playing it by ear. But something told me that when dealing with Malfoy I had better plan a few steps ahead, he was not one to take it as it comes. I needed to get close to him so he would talk to me; I knew that much, but the only way I could see to achieve that was to jump into bed with him like he wanted me to. I didn’t know how long I could reject him or lead him on without driving him away. It’s possible I may have to give in. But would I really go that far just for information? Part of me hoped that I wouldn’t have to and part of me hoped that I would.

--

I woke the next morning exhausted and as confused as ever. After all my crying to Remus I felt only mildly better, his solution to my problems – getting my friends back – was not an option for me, even though it was likely the only solution that would work. I couldn’t do it. I was quickly realising that somehow Malfoy was all I had left – Mike just didn’t have the emotional strength I needed, not like Malfoy did – and I think that infuriated me more than anything else. When you only have one person to rely on Malfoy was not the most promising support. Remus was probably right, without Hermione and Ron I would never survive this war, but if I faced a life without them anyway, why would I want to?

Malfoy. His face sprang up in my mind again, his smile somehow pushing back these dark feelings threatening to swallow me whole. Why was he always in my head now? Why was I suddenly fantasising that he would provide for me what my old friends had taken away with their abandonment? Friendship. Companionship. Love. He would never really provide that for me, but as much as I consciously tried to fight it, deep down, I wanted those things from him.

I clamped my teeth shut and inhaled deeply through my nose, clenching my fists angrily as though ready for a fight. I was officially sick of Malfoy taking over my life, my thoughts, and my hopes for the future. Who was he to make me want these things when he knew – when I knew – he’d never provide them for me? He was making me crazy and I didn’t know how to stop it, my body and my mind refused to listen to logic and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to resist their desires for him. He was going to push me and eventually I would crack; Harry Potter’s virginity goes to Draco Malfoy who ticks the achievement off his ‘Things to do before I die’ list.

But I’m still a Gryffindor and if I was going to lose myself to him I wasn’t going to go down easy! My anger at myself for being so weak, my anger at him for his persistence and likely victory consumed me and I fed off its energy as I braced myself to fight back.

I pulled my seat up roughly as I sat next to him in Potions that morning. “We need to talk!” I hissed trying to show Malfoy I was not to be messed with today. I was in no mood for any more of his games.

“What about?” he asked sounding disinterested as he flicked his eyes over his class notes. Clearly, angry or not, Malfoy still intended to play games with me.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know. I saw you!” I snapped, narrowing my eyes to show I was not buying into his bullshit this time.

“You’ll have to be more specific than that, Harry. We see a lot of each other,” he replied casually. He was so frustrating, I have no idea why I was drawn to him, but his games were quickly curing me of that; now I just wanted to punch him, not kiss him.

“You want specific?” I answered smugly – if he could be difficult, so could I. “Fine, how about two days ago at about four in the afternoon in an empty corridor by the Charms classroom, is that specific enough for you?”

“Ah,” he sighed, like he’d just remembered. “You mean that time I saw you get a blowjob from Corner?” he asked as though he’d spied on me eating breakfast and not mid-orgasm. “What about it?”

Despite my frustration at his games, hearing Malfoy openly mention the very act I’d imagined him partaking in while I wanked had my skin flush with embarrassment. I’d never been so grateful that my thoughts were mine alone to hear. “You were watching me,” I accused, but he interrupted me before I could continue.

“If that’s the only way you can make him shut up, more power to you,” he laughed.

I didn’t find it funny. I hated the way he devalued my relationship with Mike, sure I wasn’t taking it as seriously as I should – how could I with Malfoy in my head all the time – but that didn’t give him the right to make fun of my boyfriend! “What the hell were you doing there?” I growled.

“You’d just run off with a guy who was clearly unstable. What would a friend do if not check to make sure you were okay?” he asked.

“Really? You expect me to believe that?” I scoffed, rolling my eyes. He really did come out with total crap sometimes.

He just shrugged nonchalantly and focused back on our ingredients for the potion. “Think what you like, Harry, but you told me you only wanted to be friends, so I’m backing off. Clearly Corner is the winner of your heart, why should I keep after you?”

“Suddenly it was my heart you were after?” I asked sceptically. Honestly, did he think I was a complete idiot? He just threw me a hurt look, but didn’t respond. “I’m serious, Malfoy,” I persisted. “I think you’ve made it clear that you only want to fuck me.”

He took a deep breath, as if steeling himself for his next words, and showed me a very rare glimpse of true emotion; he was hurt by my words and it surprised me a great deal.

“You’ve grown on me, Potter,” he confessed. “I thought at first you might be a fun conquest, or even a heated fling, but I realize now that you’re more than that, and you deserve more than that. If Corner makes you happy than that’s all I could ever ask for, in the meantime I’ll take second place as your friend… if the offer is still out there…” he whispered bashfully and the look on his face took my breath away. It was beautiful, but so misplaced on his features I couldn’t help but remain suspicious as Remus’ words haunted me; ‘How do you know he’s not double-crossing you?’. Truthfully, I didn’t know, but I couldn’t deny him.

“It is –the offer, I mean,” I answered, stumbling over my words. I had so many thoughts running through my head, so many feelings, and they were all contradicting one another.

Malfoy didn’t reply, instead we settled into an uncomfortable silence where I was free to consider him and this new facet of his personality I was seeing which contradicted all the things I thought I knew about him. Had he been wearing a mask around me all these years and he was only now showing me his true self? Or was he now wearing a mask? My feelings were blinding me and it was so hard to tell.

“Shall we get to work then?” he suggested finally, and I could only nod.

I think I stared at him nearly the whole lesson after that, letting all the thoughts and emotions inside me tumble over each other, fighting to win a ‘Should I? Shouldn’t I?’ battle with Malfoy at the centre.

It wasn’t until Malfoy suggested we have lunch together that I thought of Mike; again he had filled me so completely I forgot the rest of the world. I hesitated at the offer and it was like he could read my mind.

“Right,” he stated bluntly as though it should have been obvious I wouldn’t eat with him. “Corner wouldn’t take too kindly to that I’m sure,” he shrugged. “Friends in secret then I suppose.” He sounded hurt and I couldn’t help but think he was disappointed in me for letting someone else stand between our friendship; I was disappointed in myself too. I felt like the world’s biggest prat. “See you later then,” he said finally when I didn’t answer him. I felt so guilty and I didn’t want to leave things like that, but I didn’t know how to stop him and keep our relationship platonic at the same time. I’d only just gotten him to agree to be friends, and I didn’t want to ruin that by letting my feelings get in the way and blurting out the wrong thing, making it obvious how I felt about him. With all the mixed up, Malfoy-related thoughts I was having, who knew what I might have ended up saying!

Malfoy was gone before I could stop him and I stood there like an idiot feeling guilty about needing my only friendship to remain a secret.

My conscience didn’t permit me to go to lunch right away; I needed to make this up to Malfoy somehow. I knew I couldn’t approach him now, Mike would be waiting for me in the Great Hall and unless I was going to apologise in two words and then run away, I was going to need more time than we were typically allowed during the day. I made my way up to the Owlery where I knew Hedwig would be and tried not to think about what I was planning to do, if I did I knew I’d never go through with it.

I made the note short to discourage any rational thinking about what I was requesting and Hedwig was flying out the window before I had time to second-guess myself. Of course, once she was gone all I had was time to second-guess myself and regret my rash behaviour. And regret it I did, so intensely, in fact, that Mike spent the rest of the day asking me what was wrong and what I was thinking about – it was obvious my mind was elsewhere. All I could do was shrug at him, as I felt increasingly guilty; for something I’d convinced myself was just going to be a friendly chat, it felt an awful lot like cheating.

I hate myself.

--

It was just past 11 o’clock when I entered the dusty classroom. I’d ‘gone to bed’ early – not that anyone cared – and spent the last few hours in bed watching Malfoy’s dot on the Marauders Map. He’d only left his common room twenty minutes ago so I knew he hadn’t been waiting long.

“Hilarious, Malfoy,” I stated dryly by way of announcing my presence. We were in the empty classroom near the Charms room, the one in which Malfoy had watched Mike give me a blowjob. “You could have picked any room in the castle and you picked this one?” I said raising my eyebrows; it was as much a question as it was a statement.

“What can I say,” he shrugged, hopping off the table he was sitting on and walking over to me. “I didn’t want to pick somewhere too random; I wanted you to be able to find me after all. No sense in having you traipse all over the castle looking for me, not with Filch on the prowl.”

I just rolled my eyes. “How considerate,” I remarked sarcastically.

“Would you rather go somewhere else?” he asked suggestively wiggling his eyebrows, but his light grin told me he was joking – mostly.

“No, here is fine,” I assured him honestly. “I’ve already tested it for privacy and noise levels,” I teased, if he wanted to play with me I would play back.

“Yes and it didn’t do so well if I remember correctly,” he retorted.

“Pervert,” I laughed, but I couldn’t hide my blush even in these dim lights; he smiled and I could tell he noticed.

“As much as I don’t mind being here either way, was there a purpose to this rendezvous?” he asked casually, strolling over to the abandoned professor’s bench to inspect some discarded, dusty trinket.

I’d been expecting this question, preparing for it even, but I still didn’t know what to say. “We didn’t get to talk properly in class today,” I said feeling stupid at such a lame explanation. I wasn’t here for that at all, I wanted to make sure everything was alright between us; although only God knew why I cared!

“It can be difficult,” he acknowledged evenly. “Did you want to yell at me properly this time without Snape watching so closely?”

“No!” I denied a little too quickly. I took a deep breath before continuing. “I may have been a little harsher than necessary, I’m a little stressed and there’s a possibility I may have taken it out on you somewhat,” I admitted reluctantly.

“Was that supposed to be an apology? Because if so-” Malfoy criticised haughtily, but I couldn’t bear to let him continue. I had all these feelings for him and yet every time he opened his mouth I wondered what the hell was wrong with me! How could I be attracted to someone who was such a prat most of the time?

“Just shut up for once would you! I bet you’re worse at apologies than me! I bet the word-”

“Sorry?” he said, cutting me off with a smirk. I stopped short, completely stunned and speechless; it wasn’t the first time I’d heard him say it, but I knew it was a rare occurrence nonetheless. “If you’re not here to yell, what did you want to say?” he asked looking at me expectantly across the room.

“I wanted to say sorry for the ‘friends in secret’ thing,” I said finally. His gentle teasing had relaxed me somewhat, but I still felt a bit stupid. “It’s not fair on you, but I think after everything publicly allying myself with you might just be the end of me.” It was true, the climate in Gryffindor Tower was cold, but at least I was invisible there, if I made it known I was friends with Malfoy the climate would heat up fairly quickly and I’d be Undesirable No. 1 again – Hex on sight.

Malfoy winced at my words, his featured awash with hurt for a moment before he expertly froze his face into a look of indifference. “The end of Weasley maybe,” he said, trying to sound casual. “He’s so weak he might keel over and die where he stood! Think how satisfying that would be to see!”

“Don’t you think I’ve hurt Ron enough by now?” I snapped.

“Come on, Harry,” he scoffed. “You know I’m the wrong person to ask that question to, besides, what about how much he’s hurt you?”

I sighed. Both Ron and I were in the wrong, but I knew I could argue with Malfoy about it all night if I wanted to and we wouldn’t get anywhere, so I decided to change the subject and perhaps gather some information. “Regardless, I don’t think your father would approve of our friendship, surely you wouldn’t want him to know. He hates me!”

“Have you heard the rumours circulating about us, after that tantrum your boyfriend threw the whole school knows I have designs on you – or at least they suspect it,” he countered easily. Did he want us to be open, public friends? And to what end?

I could see myself losing this argument and I knew he wasn’t going to give me any information he didn’t want me to have, he was too smart for that. But I couldn’t give him want he wanted, I couldn’t give in and say ‘well okay then if you insist, let’s arrive to breakfast hand in hand tomorrow’; he probably knew that too, not that he seemed to care.

“Speaking of Mike,” I said changing the subject again. “Did you taunt him with your plans to steal me away from him?” I was more amused at the idea than angry; poor Mike never really had much hope standing up to someone like Malfoy –on an Ancient Runes test maybe, but verbal witticisms and sharp comebacks never.

“He told on me, huh?” Malfoy sighed in mock-defeat. “Well, he’s lucky he’s got you to stand up for him if he can’t do it himself.”

“Stop teasing him,” I chastised, trying to hide the laughter in my voice; the image of the encounter I had running through my head was far too comical not to laugh.

“Why?” he asked stepping towards me.

“Because it’s mean,” I answered seriously.

“I tease you all the time, is that mean?” he whispered, but he was standing so close to me now I didn’t have any trouble hearing him.

“No,” I breathed starting to feel nervous at his proximity.

“So why is Corner any different?” he challenged me.

I glanced up and looked straight into his piercing grey eyes; I used to think they were devoid of colour, but as I looked at him now they looked like they could contain a rainbow of colours they were so beautiful. “Because I can hold my own with you,” I answered.

“And he can’t,” Malfoy stated; it wasn’t a question. “That’s why we’re so good together,” he said carefully. I hesitated at his words; we were stepping on dangerous ground. He must have sensed my apprehension because he quickly added, “but we’re just friends and that’s all you want, isn’t it?”

He wanted me to confirm it again; to say the words ‘just friends’ with him standing so close to me, breathing his sweet breath on me. My mouth went so dry my tongue stuck to the roof of it and I could barely speak. “I can’t be with you, Malfoy,” I whispered. I knew I sounded unsure of myself and he pursued my uncertainty.

“Why not?” he asked.

Because I’d lose myself in you and I’d never find my way out again, I thought.

Malfoy closed the last step separating us and our bodies pressed together, although he was careful not to connect our groins, that was too much and he knew it. He placed his hands gently on my hips to steady me, but he was by no means holding me against him, I was there of my own free will and he knew it – so did I. He pressed his forehead against mine and our noses touched intimately. His presence washed over me like a drug and I breathed him in and absorbed him through my skin. My heart was pounding faster than I ever thought possible and my stomach was fluttering with lust and anticipation. His breath warmed my mouth daring me to kiss him and I wanted nothing more than to oblige. I leaned into him and I felt our lips brush dryly against each other, but neither of us moved to kiss the other. He didn’t push me further, he’d gotten us this far and if I wanted it I needed to take us the rest of the way.

Something inside me was holding back and I knew exactly what it was; Mike. As soon as his name rang through my mind I moved my face away from Malfoy’s and buried it in the crook of his neck; he smelled fantastic, like clean skin and spicy cologne. Our bodies were still pressed together and I leaned into him for support, savouring our last moments of physical connection.

“I have a boyfriend,” I muttered into his neck and saying those words aloud forced me to pull away from him completely. I couldn’t cheat again, I didn’t like who it made me, I couldn’t hurt someone like that again, and, as I’d discovered, the consequences could be astronomical.

“That’s your choice,” he replied as I walked away from him, I almost heard his voice quiver and I felt energy zing through me at the possibility I’d affected him as much as he had me.

Once I felt we were a safe distance apart I turned to face him and shook my head in answer. “Even if I didn’t,” I told him wishing it were true; logically, yes being with him was a bad idea and I’d like to think I could resist, but I didn’t know for sure, especially after that extremely close call. I didn’t like how strongly he affected me; I didn’t like that he had so much pull with me that he had drawn me as close to cheating as he had. It made me question my judgment on everything when it came to him and Remus’ warning was still strong in my ears, even if my heart paid no attention to it. As much as I tried to convince myself I knew enough about Malfoy to be sure he was genuine, the truth was I didn’t. He was so different to how I’d always known him, and yet, he was exactly the same.

“Am I not boyfriend material for you then?” he asked bitterly. My heart broke a little as I saw how hurt he looked in the soft lighting of this abandoned room.

“I just can’t,” I whispered defeated.

“Why?” he demanded harshly, he wasn’t accepting any of my pathetically vague attempts to explain.

“Come on, Malfoy, you’re not stupid!” I snapped, frustrated that he was forcing me to be honest with him; why couldn’t life just be simple? “There’s a reason you sit so close to me, you know what you do to me!”

“Yeah, I know!” he shouted back at me. “You do the same to me. You set me on fire and I can’t think straight.”

I looked up at him and gazed into his cloudy eyes; that was exactly what he did to me. Was it possible that I had the same affect on him? Malfoy was as beautiful as a divine being and I was a scrawny, untidy orphan – how is it possible I could affect him like that?

“Can you imagine what that passion could feel like if we let ourselves explore it?” he pressed me when I didn’t answer.

So we were back to that; his urging me to give in to my irrational desires against my better judgment. Was it really just his lust for me urging him to push me so hard? Or was there more to this that I didn’t see? I didn’t know. “I should go,” I muttered as much to myself as to him. I needed to get out of there before he tempted me again, I didn’t think I had the strength to resist this time.

“Why are you fighting this so hard?” he yelled at me as he crossed the room to grip my shoulder to prevent me from leaving.

“Because I don’t trust myself with you!” I shouted, twisting out of his grip and running for the door.

He had an intoxicating effect on me that scared me and I knew that if he persisted like he was, he could have anything he wanted from me. I needed to protect myself from losing my senses to him as I had so nearly done tonight. The only reason I didn’t was because of Mike. Malfoy wanted me to leave Mike to be with him, but I knew I had to keep my boyfriend at all costs; he was my only thread to my conscience when Malfoy intoxicated me the way he did. If Malfoy wanted Mike and I to break up he was going to have to initiate it himself because, right now, I was holding on to Mike tighter than I ever had before.

Author's Note: Ah, now it's my turn... do I chase after Harry or leave it be for now....