Cloudy Skies and Heartache

Chapter 8


Sirius sat by his worn out kitchen table in his apartment in London, staring out of his window quietly, watching the bright moon hanging in the dark sky. He was nursing his usual glass of Firewhisky.


It was getting harder and harder to sleep each night, and hence he had turned to alcohol, hoping that it would make his eyelids flutter close sooner, and allow his mind to enter the empty abyss that was sleep.


But sometimes, it wasn’t a black emptiness. Some nights, many nights rather, they were filled with moans and growls, sweat and other bodily fluids, and one other person.


Remus.


It had originally started as disjointed moments of the night they shared, just bursts of pleasure, smells, sounds and Remus’ body laid out below him. It had all began a few weeks after they had all left Hogwarts.


But over the course of the past one and a half years, the dreams had started to evolve, growing in length, in intensity, and in detail. His mind was now creating different scenarios in which the two of them were the main leads, and always leaving him sweaty, gasping for breath with Remus’ name on his lips and a massive erection when he woke up in the morning. His eyebrow twitched slightly at the images in his head, and his other anatomy that lay between his thighs twitched in reaction too.


Growling loudly as his mind drifted unwillingly towards those thoughts and the betrayals of his body, Sirius grabbed the glass of Firewhisky and harshly slammed it back.


Grimacing slightly as he swallowed the bitter liquid, he grabbed the newly opened bottle of Firewhisky and poured himself another generous glassful of it.


It was going to be a long night. Nights of the full moons were always long.


Sirius could not help it. He could not stop his traitorous mind from thinking about Remus, or worrying about Remus on nights such at these, and neither could he help the reactions of his body to thoughts of Remus lying underneath him, hair splayed out on the floor and moaning his name wantonly as he thrust into him.


He hated himself for such weakness.


This was the boy that had raped him, that had taken advantage of him in his drunken state. And yet his body still craved for him.


‘And so does your heart’


The little voice at the back of his head waved it tauntingly in his face.


‘Admit it. You hate him for raping you. But you physically crave the sex that you two had. And you do miss him. You miss your friend. A friend who could be something more perhaps.’


‘NO!’, Sirus roared angrily in his empty kitchen.


‘I AM NOT A BLOODY POOF. I AM NOT GAY. I DO NOT LIKE MEN. HE FUCKING RAPED ME. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! GO RUNNING BACK TO HIM TELLING HIM I MISS HIM AND THAT IT WAS OK TO RAPE ME? HE NEVER EVEN APOLOGISED. HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ME THAT WAY. I WAS JUST A CONVENIENT FUCK, LIKE THE MAN-SLUT THEY ALL THINK I AM ANYWAY.’


Sirius screamed his throat raw as he pounded his fists angrily on his kitchen table. He was going mad that was for sure. Screaming at himself. He was going to be thrown into St. Mungo soon that was for sure, and all because of Remus Lupin.


‘But you never did gave him a chance to apologise did you? Or to explain himself. You just pushed him away, shoved him out of your life and shut the door firmly on him. Whose fault is it now that you haven’t seen him for one and a half years, and have instead spent all that time dreaming about him’, the little voice calmly and quietly resounded inside of his head.


‘What was I supposed to have done then? Pretend that nothing happened, just like he did? I can’t. He was my friend, and I trusted him, and he betrayed that trust. He betrayed my trust.’


Sirius whispered the last bit quietly as the waves of bitterness and sadness hit him suddenly. He had shut everything of that night out previously, choosing to focus solely on the fact that Remus had raped him, and the simple act of rape was the reason for the breaking of ties with Remus.


But only tonight, did he fully acknowledge that the root of his pain, anger and hurt, came from that fact that he felt that his trust in Remus, and their precious, treasured friendship had been betrayed by Remus.


He had always felt the closest to Remus, taking comfort in how the other boy just seemed to get him. Remus always was able to see through the many layers of protection he had put up, the cocky arrogant façade, and see the hurt and damaged boy inside. Sirius would have never acknowledged to anyone else that boy inside existed, but Remus had simply quietly acknowledged that boy’s presence, and accepted him, damages and all.


Sirius missed the quiet acceptance, and how Remus always could see where the wounds were and tend to them in his quiet, accepting and loving manner. He missed his friend dearly.


But at the same time, the feeling of betrayal and hurt seemed to cast a dark shadow over those happy memories.


Sirius felt like he was stuck in a rut. He could neither go back to the time before the betrayal, nor move on with his life, especially with the hurt and missing taking up his every waking and sleeping moment. He did not know what to do anymore.


Feeling the weight of all of that on his shoulders, Sirius grabbed drunkenly for his now half-filled bottle of Firewhisky, and took a large swig from it, in his attempt to find that dark bliss that was sleep, or the few moments of happiness that he had in his dreams.


Sliding bonelessly down the chair to the floor, he leaned against one leg of the kitchen table, and continued taking large gulps of the burning alcohol.


And so Sirius just kept at it, till the bottle was almost empty, and he was now splayed out on the floor like a doll whose strings had been cut, boneless and motionless. He was on the verge of passing out.


‘Let it go Sirius. Just let your damn pride and hurt go, and look for him. Ask him all that you just said, and then you’ll get those answers you need to find your peace’, was the last thing he heard in his head as the voice whispered to him, before he sunk into blissful oblivion.

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hello hello (:

a slightly longer chapter now, from Sirius’ POV. It’s a happy birthday gift to MareG8, because she asked so nicely. Happy birthday love!

Really sorry that the chapters have been taking so long. Been flying around, and just got home yesterday, so still abit jetlagged and out of it :p but now that I’m home, and officially on summer break, I have all the time in the world to write. HAHA. So yes. I hope to have more chapters coming soon.

Hope you guys like this chapter.. Its been all about Remus previously, and I thought I should throw Sirius in, just because I adore Sirius Black, and I kinda miss him. Grins.

I will be jumping sporadically through time, till I hit the timing that I want and then things will continue at a more normal pace. I always try to keep the timeline as clear and simple as it can be, so I hope no one’s confused (:

Thank you to all my reviewers. You guys are LOVE LOVE LOVE personified. Heh. I will get down to replying each one of you soon. It’s a juggle between writing new chapters and replying reviews. But do keep reading and reviewing. Extremely grateful to you guys. Till later. Xxx

Ps. To those of you following ‘To the Moon and Back’, I’m really sorry for leaving all of you guys hanging with one chapter left. Promise it’ll be out real soon.