Love Songs: Loving the Dark Wizard

Title: Sweet Child O\' Mine

By: Mrs_Helene_Snape

Warnings: AU/AR, Angst, Lang, SS/HG, M/F, OOC-Snape (of course he\'s OOC...he\'s not dead in this fic, so he\'s bound to be!)



Disclaimers: The Harry Potter realm is property of JKR. The song is property of its writer, Axel Rose. I make no money from this work of fan fiction. No copyright infringement is intended.



Song: Sweet Child O\' Mine

By: Guns -N- Roses

Year: 1987



Premise: Severus is trying to clue himself in as to what is going on in his relationship with Hermione.

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How the Hell did I end up here? I know that I have done a lot of unspeakably cruel things in my past, but I believe I have more than atoned for those transgressions. Then why in the name of all that is holy did I desire to cock things up so badly that I pushed away my one shot at happiness?



I never expected anyone to give a damn that I was lying on the floor of that filthy shack, slowly drowning in my own blood. I most certainly never had any indication that someone would come back to save me, much less the Gryffindor Princess Hermione Granger to be the one to offer me salvation and redemption.



She was barely out of Hogwarts when we decided to try and make a go of the undeniable chemistry that existed between us. Needless to say, we had to be completely secretive about our budding relationship. Her two closest friend would no doubt have had an aneurysm at the mere thought of her dating the greasy git



Our newfound relationship was progressing well. We found that we had more in common that strictly academic pursuits. It was as if we were kindred spirits; we both had the same underlying wants from life: to pursue our interests with an intellectual equal without much interference from the outside world.



Right now, looking back on everything, I\'m trying to figure out what it was that attracted her to me.



She\'s got a smile that it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Her smile when she is trying to joke with me reminds me of that day I first met Lily on the playground. That was my first memory of true happiness as a child.



Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

I had found a friend who was magical like me. That revelation was as close to heaven as I thought I would ever come up until the moment I experienced that same blissful feeling with Hermione.



Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that special place

There have been times when Hermione and I were working in the laboratory that she would do something that would remind me of Lily. Whenever Hermione would be completely lost in thought, she would furrow her brow and cock her head ever so slightly to one side. Seeing her do this transported me back to my sixth year, when Lily was still speaking to me. While working on the Felix Felicis potion, Lily\'s face adopted the same look of total concentration.



And if I\'d stare too long

I\'d probably break down and cry

Whenever I think of Lily shortly before my betrayal of her, my chest begin begins to tighten and a lump forms in my throat. Yes, I did everything in my power to save her son and he has forgiven me for being a total bastard to him. But, whenever I allow my thoughts to linger on any of the circumstances surrounding my involvement in the war and Lily Potter\'s untimely death, I have to retreat to my private chambers so I can release my pent up emotions in solitude.



Whoa! Sweet child o\' mine

Even though I have known Hermione Granger since she was a child, I no longer see her as such. She has matured rapidly since her first year at Hogwarts.



Whoa! Sweet love of mine

She has become a companion for me, my intellectual equal, someone I want to spend my life with. She has restored my heart which I had believed to be broken beyond repair.



She\'s got eyes of the bluest skies

Her eyes are windows straight to her emotions, her soul. If Hermione\'s eyes are a light amber, I know that she is calm, well-rested, it gives her a youthful air of innocence. This innocent look in her eyes reminds me of a time when I was a very small child that I would lay down in the empty field near my house to look at the brilliant blue sky to recognize shapes in the clouds.



And if they thought of rain

But if those same eyes are a deep chocolate brown, watch out! It means that she is pissed about something and hexes are about to be thrown.



I\'d hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

There was one particular say that stands out in my mind most of all. The day that I let my mouth speak before my brain was fully engaged.



I had been struggling for months trying to improve the Wolfsbane enough so it would no longer be a preventative, but rather a cure. Hermione made the suggestion at alter the order of 2 vital ingredients, Belladonna and Monkshood, stating that putting the Belladonna first would serve to calm the beast within before the Monkshood would work to draw out the disease and eradicate it. Instead of taking her suggestion om the manner it was given, in love, concern, and with a desire to assist me in my efforts, I took it as a cheap shot at my abilities as a Potions Master.



I lashed out as her in a moment when she did absolutely nothing to deserve my attack. “You insufferable little know it all. You think you know more than everyone else. I have been a Master of the Potions field longer that you have been alive. Don\'t you think that I have tried you asinine suggestion. It won\'t work. The order of ingredient additions cannot be randomly changed.!” I raged at her before muttering “Damn Gryffindorian tendencies. Always thinking you can save anyone.”



When I finally looked at her after I finished my tirade, the hurt that radiated from her was overwhelming. “I don\'t want to save everyone” she told me as her eyes began to fill with tears. “I only want to save you, the man I love, from yourself” she whispered before she started sobbing and fled from the room.



This event brings me back to the present. This is what I am trying to figure out: why I always push people away. She said she loved me. She loves me, greasy git, bat of the dungeons me, and I try to cast her thoughts and feelings aside like yesterday\'s rubbish. I have to tell her I\'m sorry. I need to tell her that I love her as well, that at this point in my life I can\'t imagine living without her.



I approach the tightly closed bedroom door, through which I can hear her sobbing. I knock loudly on the door, praying that she won\'t refuse my entrance. I hear the door\'s lock click and see it swing open. Hermione is on the bed, her face buried in my pillow, sobbing.



“I\'m sorry Hermione” I spoke softly as I approached the bed. “I never meant to take my frustrations out on you” I told her as I knelt beside the bed. She continued weeping quietly into the pillow until I reached out to touch her. Her sobs quickly abated as she sat up, flinching away from me. “I didn\'t mean to hurt you. If I had been in my right mind and not sleep deprived from working incessantly on the Wolfsbane, I never would have said those awful things to you. I lo...”



Before I could finish my declaration, Hermione interrupted. “Don\'t Severus! Please, just don\'t. I know you wouldn\'t mean it, so please do not allow the words to spill from you mouth. I know that you didn\'t intentionally insult my intelligence with your earlier words, but they found their mark none the less. Perhaps we shouldn\'t be together if this is how you feel, that I couldn\'t possibly contribute to your research because I lack the experience as a result of my youth. I never want you to feel that I am a burden, so I will gather the few things of mine that are here and leave. My parents left me their home before they fled the country, so at least I have a place to go.” She made a move to stand up and I grabbed her wrist, silently imploring her to remain before I spoke again.



“Hermione, please!” I begged. “I don\'t think I would survive if you walked away from me, from us and what we could have. Please!”



In the end I was able to convince her that we had real. After we had come to an understanding, I would listen to her ideas and not disparage her intelligence and she would accept my snarky temper and bad moods in stride, we made wild passionate love. The incredible make-up sex I had just experienced with the woman who has become my world can only be classified as making love. It was more than I ever could have imagined it to be.



Now as we lay here completely sated, I am wide awake while Hermione slumbers peacefully at my side. I turn on my side, facing her back to pull her close. I am completely at peace as I bury my face in her curls. As I nuzzle in closer, unbidden memories seep to the fore front of my mind.



Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place

Where as a child I\'d hide

As a small child, about 4 or so, I would run to my mother whenever I was afraid. As a child I had a lot to be afraid of. At the time the majority of my fears stemmed from my father. His drunken rages sent me straight to the comfort of my mother\'s arms where I would bury my face in her hair to quiet my fears of being found by him as we hid in the closet.



And I pray for the thunder and the rain

to quietly pass me by

I would whisper “Please be quiet. Please don\'t find us. Please be quiet. Please don\'t find us.” I chanted this over and over, as if I were sending up a prayer to whatever deity might be listening, willing that we would stay safe as my father tore through the house during his alcohol induced anger. A ripple of magic washed over our enclosed space and then the house fell completely silent. It was that very moment that confirmed to my mother that I was in fact a wizard, as I was the one who inadvertently cast silencing and cloaking spells over our little hideout.



Whoa! Sweet child o\' mine

I couldn\'t help but be comforted by the memory that Hermione\'s mere presence elicited. Here lately, she has brought forth some of the more pleasant memories I had buried long ago. She has made me feel much younger than my almost 40 years.



Whoa! Sweet love of mine

I am finally accepting the fact that she is my soul mate, my other half. Throughout my life, I never put much stock in the nonsense Trelawney and those like her spouted regarding prophecies or destinies. Now I am a firm believer in it, that there could possibly be a woman out in the world who could be my intellectual equal, my match, my partner in life. I have found all of that and more in the beautiful witch who is Hermione Granger. I snuggle in deeper, drawing her closer to me before I settle in to allow sleep to over take me. I am no longer fearful of what tomorrow might bring.



Where do we go? Where do we go now?

Where do we go? Sweet child o\' mine

When we awoke the next morning, I was at complete peace, a peace deep withing my soul that I had never felt before.



I open my eyes to see her whiskey colored ones staring back at me. “Good morning” I said to her as I attempted to read her thoughts.



“Morning” she mumbles back. She is such a difficult woman to read at times.



“Tell me what you\'re thinking Hermione.”



“Where do we go from here? I start University next week and Hogwarts\' fall term will also begin. We\'re not going to be able to see each other once all of that happens. There\'s no way this can still work.”



“What are you saying Hermione? That we can\'t make this work or you just don\'t want to?” I asked her, my voice ladened with trepidation.



“It\'s not that Severus. Far from it. It\'s just that we have been able to carry on as we have because we\'ve had no responsibilities holding us back. There\'s no way that Minerva will allow our \'relationship\' to continue as it has once school is back in session. We could possibly get together outside of the castle on the occasional weekend when our schedules allow, but I honestly don\'t see how we could work out our conflicts any better than that. Will that sort of arrangement be acceptable to you?”



“Absolutely not!” I said firmly. I watched her face fall and noticed the tears well up in her eyes. “Hermione, I don\'t want to have to work out a schedule to see you. I want to wake up next to you everyday. As selfish as it may sound, I want you here with me.”



“But Minerva would never allow that. It would set a poor example for the children if we were living together. The parents would want my head on a pike.”



“It wouldn\'t set a bad example if we were married.”



“If we were...What?”



“Married. You know, bonds of holy matrimony and all that. They wouldn\'t be able to say we were \'living in sin\' if we were husband and wife.”



“Husband...Wife...What?”



“I don\'t think I have ever seen you at such a loss for words. Yes, I said married. I love you Hermione Granger and I want you to be my wife. The only way I could possibly live my life, now that you\'re in it, is for you to stay here with me. I need you Hermione.”



I never thought that waiting for something could be so agonizing, but I felt like I was slowly dying inside. While waiting for Hermione\'s response to my query, I watched to gamut of emotions play across her face.



Confusion: She is flummoxed, speechless.



Anger: She seems unbelievably pissed that the decision on our future lays in her hands.



Regret: She must be thinking about what might have been with Weasley.



Joy: This is an emotion of hers that I\'m unable to read. Is she happy because her answer is \'yes\' or is it because she is about to crush me with a resounding \'no\'?



Her response is the answer I have been hoping for and it answers her own question as well. “YES!”

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A/N: Damn VH1 and its infernal countdowns...Top 100 songs of the 80s! I gotta stop listening to the radio and watching the damn music channels. Thanks for reading!



Sweet Child O\' Mine by Guns -N- Roses

She\'s got a smile that it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Where everything

Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that special place

And if I\'d stare too long

I\'d probably break down and cry



Sweet child o\' mine

Sweet love of mine



She\'s got eyes of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place

Where as a child I\'d hide

And pray for the thunder

And the rain

To quietly pass me by



Sweet child o\' mine

Sweet love of mine



Where do we go

Where do we go now

Where do we go

Sweet child o\' mine