The Writer\'s Companion

Author’s Notes:

* Hello again all my fine and fun readers. Here is another chapter to wet the whistle and quench you thirsts. I have to say that I am currently in search of a beta, but have yet to find one. But I started this endeavor without one and I thought it might be rude to just leave off. So I will keep posting even while searching…if I don’t Maddie gets mad, and I don’t like her when she’s mad.

*Secondly I would like to warn you all that this chapter does contain and incident of attempted suicide. I was hesitant to include it, but it just seemed such a pivotal part of the story.

Response to Reviewers:

Sisterae: I am not a psychic, but I predict that a piece of the puzzle shall be revealed very soon. Actually, it probably answers it, but you never know…I do like my twists.

Tricky Woo: Maddie’s family is by far the most complex set of people I have ever dreamt up. So of course they are going to have to make an appearance later on. I think I am getting a vision…yes, of tears and laughing, and threats of physical violence pertaining to the eyeball.

Sheherazade: Welcome! I am glad that you have enjoyed my sometimes bungled attempts at writing. Always nice to see new face…or read new comments…as the case may be.

Maddie’s sister will be coming back, that I can promise you. In exactly what capacity or for what purpose…that you will have to read to find out. I just couldn’t let the sister go; she’s just crazy enough to fit in. J


Chapter 7: What She Doesn’t Remember Will Hurt Her

It had been decided that Maddie would undergo weekly Legilimens treatments administered by Snape. Although Maddie was apprehensive to say the least she couldn’t deny the small spark that raced up her spine with just the thought of the man drenched in black. But a deep, rudimentary fear continued to lurk in her mind. What would they discover about her, and therefore she about herself? And would she be able to survive an ordeal that could possibly render her entire life nothing but a lie?

Maddie was hesitant to voice her fears to the others, especially to Snape. She didn’t know why she was so determined to appear strong in his eyes; all she knew was that it was important he saw her in a better light than she saw herself. But that was another thought that Maddie didn’t feel particularly eager to investigate. So like her fears she pushed them back and concentrated on the day to day.

It wasn’t a hard task to accomplish. The three days since her meeting with Severus and the Headmaster had raced by, propelled by a never ending stream of activities. She had met the remaining professors and found she was especially fond of one Pomona Sprout. The rotund older woman was always cheerful, but certainly had her fair share of attitude. Professor Sprout was also the most welcoming, taking the time to show Maddie the four greenhouses, and to explain the various plants she raised.

The other teachers weren’t mean, not by any stretch of the imagination. Mostly they were polite, but distant, wary of her. But Maddie could respect that; she was the outsider after all, a virtual stranger. So Maddie remembered to act graciously whenever she encountered one of the teachers, but spent most of the time with those she knew. That didn’t include Remus Lupin, however, she still didn’t like him.

Minerva McGonagall was surprisingly fun to be around. She appeared the stern woman, but get her and Madame Pince, add a fire whiskey or two, and watch out. Maddie was fortunate to discover McGonagall’s dual personality on the first Saturday of her stay when the elder witch had taken her to Ollivander’s wand shop.

That, in itself, had been an experience. Maddie was sure she must have destroyed at least two-thirds of the shop before the old man finally settled on a wand. It was a thing of beauty, a 7 inch length of gleaming Ash wood, with a lock of hair from an IeIe. When Maddie asked what the heck an IeIe was, she was informed, quite brusquely, by Mr. Ollivander that it was a Romanian spirit with the powers of seduction. This threw Maddie off, because she had never thought she really needed any help in that area. But evidently both her mother and her newly discovered magic disagreed.

Both Minerva and Maddie left the old man’s shop with a blush coloring their faces, neither particularly willing to look the other in the eye. They had run into Irma Pince as she was exiting Flourish and Blott’s, the local bookstore. The three women decided to grab a bite to eat at The Leaky Cauldron, and Maddie was genuinely surprised by the exceedingly good food. But what surprised her more was Minerva’s tendency toward fire whiskey.

It was in the pub of wizards that Maddie learned the four “L” rule of Old Ogden‘s. The first lulls you, the second loosens you up, the third liberates you, and the fourth lays you out. Irma and Minerva had two each, and it was enough to reduce the matrons to restrained giggling, but Maddie believed herself to be the big, bad, “mile-high” drinker and went for three. She returned to the castle singing “Bad to The Bone”.

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Maddie found herself facing the dark wood of the potions master’s dungeon dorm door. She was hesitant to knock, her insides churning with both trepidation and anticipation. She wanted to know the truth; she was terrified of finding out what the truth was.

‘To knock or not to knock, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to subsist under the fallacy of a life undiscovered or burst upon the light of discovery.’ Maddie thought, her eyes still glued to the door. ‘Wow, it looks really worn. Maybe someone should tell him that he needs a new door.’

Maddie snorted at her own stalling tactics, and forced herself to raise her apprehensive hand and knock on the door. ‘If he doesn’t answer in three seconds…’

“Enter,” Severus’ deep voice penetrated the heavy oak and shattered any hopes Maddie had of slinking away in a cowardly retreat.

‘Damn!’ Maddie thought as she clutched the door handle. ‘Damn, damn, damn!’ She repeated as she pushed the heavy slab of wood open. ‘Oh hell,’ the last thing she thought as she saw the man sitting behind a large desk, a solitary chair placed before it.

“Close the door behind you and sit down. I will be with you momentarily.”

The man hadn’t even bothered to look up to see who it was. She could be some crazy stalker waiting to pounce on him, rip his clothes off and…

‘Whoa, we don’t go there. We are an American, we repress our sexual desires.’ Maddie thought as she slowly lowered herself into the stiff wooden chair. ‘God, I feel like a wayward child about to be taken to task…kinky.’

Maddie looked around at the various odds and ends that made up what appeared to be his office. The walls to the left and right of the ancient desk were covered in shelves decorated with jars full of well…gross things floating in what appeared to be formaldehyde. The wall directly behind Snape’s bent head was plain stone, a small cupboard, and detached bookshelf sported a collection of dusty tomes.

It really was a plain little place; the only thing worth looking at was the man that sat scribbling viciously with a feather. Unfortunately with his head down, and most of his body hidden behind his desk, he didn’t offer much of view either. Although his hair really did look soft, sure it was kind of stringy, a little oily, but it was long and shiny. Maddie felt like a ferret attracted to a glistening coin, she just wanted to reach over and capture a waving lock of the inky tresses.

‘No, no touchy, ‘Maddie thought, folding her hands in her lap and forcing her focus to the stone floor beneath her. ‘Geesh, the man doesn’t even have a rug, talk about a bachelor. Is he single? I didn’t see a wedding ring, but then again what does that ever really prove?’

“My office meets with your approval?”

The mellifluous voice startled her sending her wide eyes up to his. Without pause Severus raised his wand and cast his spell.

“Legilimens!”

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Severus stood watching a small blond child crying as an older man stalked from room to room with a baseball bat in his hand.

“Are you sure you saw someone Maddie?”

“Yes daddy I swear I did. He was old with white-hair!” The child lifted her tiny fisted to swipe angrily at the tears streaking down her cherub cheeks. “He woke me up he said to call him pop-pop. He said that he was your daddy.”

The man froze, the color draining from his face, as he watched the precious child before him string together an incoherent explanation.

“What did you say?”

“He said that he was my pop-pop.” The child repeated completely unaware of the anger burning in her father’s eyes.

“That is a LIE!” The father burst out suddenly frightening the little girl. “You don’t have a pop-pop! Your grandpa is DEAD, he wasn’t there!”

“Daddy, I swear, he…”

“That is ENOUGH! Go to your room!”

The child fled from her father, the tears no longer those of fright, but of a young girl unjustly chastised.

The picture faded and Severus was watching the same girl, just years older peeking through her parents door.

“I don’t know where she got it from Dan, I didn‘t tell her anything.” A woman’s voice pleaded desperately.

“Well, she got it from somewhere Jane! If she didn’t get it from you then who did she get it from?” The man’s voice was steady but cold. “No one else in my family sees things, or lies about doing this or that.”

“Are you blaming me?” the woman was incredulous. “How do we know there is anything wrong at all? Maybe she just has an overactive imagination.”

“Imagination Jane? Really?” The little girl slowly sat down outside of the room. “I can’t do this anymore Jane. Things have to change…”

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Maddie gasped, the air filling oxygen deprived lungs. Cold sweat sent chills coursing through her body as an errant tear fell from her cheek to the floor.

“No more, just…I can’t do anymore.”

Silence filled the room, disturbed only by the heavy breathing of two people straining to regain their sense of time and place. Maddie had to peel her fingers from around the seat of the chair, her hands trembling as she raised them to wipe her brow.

“Does any of what you just saw feel familiar?” Severus asked her, his voice raspy in his dry throat. “Did you remember anything of those events before tonight?”

“The second one, just vaguely,” Maddie paused trying to bring pull the memory that she had created to the front. “I thought they had been fighting about my grades. I was in trouble a lot when I was in elementary school. But that wasn’t what they were fighting about was it?”

Maddie’s troubled gaze met the potions master’s speculative one. She needed comfort someone to confirm that what she just saw had been real. But most of all she needed, desperately, to make sense of the things she had seen.

“What does it all mean Professor?”

“It means that you’ve forgotten a great deal of your childhood, or fabricated it for yourself.” Maddie watched as Severus tiredly rose from his own seat, and walked to the door.
“I suggest you spend the time before our next session thinking about the memories you have discovered this night.” Severus opened the door and held it, his message clear. Maddie was dismissed for the evening.

Maddie was more than willing to leave, a host of questions flying threw her mind, her emotions bare for the world to see. As she walked past the threshold she turned to bid the professor goodnight, only to see the door slam in her face. She didn’t know why, but right at that second, that one action hurt her in ways Maddie couldn’t understand.

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“Careful dear, that’s a bit of black cohosh you just uprooted” Professor Sprout chided gently.

“I’m sorry Pomona; I guess I wasn’t paying attention.” Maddie quickly replanted the bit of green leaves before leaning back and dusting the soil from her hands.

“I can see that, what has you so distracted?”

“This whole, ‘peer deep into your past to find the answers to the future’ crap.” Maddie sighed and shuffled further down the long bed of flowers. “It’s been two weeks and aside from a few more confusing images I am no closer to figuring this whole mess out.”

“Yes, two weeks, why you should have divined the reason for the existence of humanity by then.” Pomona chuckled at her own joke.

“I know, it doesn’t seem like such a long time but, it feels like forever. Especially when I have to deal with the man from below the stairs.”

“The who dear?”

“Snape,” Maddie spat out, pulling out an especially thorny weed. “Someone should tell the grouch how to get to Sesame Street.”

“Madelyn Lindsey!” Pomona gasped. “You should not speak about Professor Snape that way.”

“Right, respect for the fellow professors, gotcha”

“Severus may be a difficult man to get a long with,” Maddie couldn’t help but snort at the blatant understatement of the century. “But he has sacrificed a great deal, and lived through…well he has survived what many could not.”

“Okay, Pomona, I understand, and I am sorry.”

“Besides,” Professor Sprout continued as she sank down to join in Maddie’s efforts to manually rid the garden of weeds. “I don’t think you are mad with Severus at all. I think you are frustrated with yourself.”

“YES!” Maddie threw the weed she had in her hand down and rose quickly. “I am mad at myself because I am the one who can’t seem to remember anything significant about my childhood. I am sick and tired of these unconnected, undefined memories being pulled up from some dark place in my head, and me not understanding where they come from or what they mean.”

Maddie began to pace back and forth behind the crouched figure of the Herbology professor.

“It scares me to realize that such a huge part of my life is missing. I mean, what happened? Why did I forget?”

“Yes well, that’s the question isn’t it?”
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Severus found himself face to face with the young Madelyn Lindsey. She stood in the threshold of her room, tears coursing down her face as she watched her father carry a suitcase down the hall. Her mother’s scream drowned out any other sound except for the occasional crash of glass hitting the walls. Maddie’s sister sat crying just behind him, her small form curled up on the bed, a tattered blanket clutched tightly in her hand.

Her father returned, brushing by her once again, entered his room, and came back out with a box. Snape watched as he paused just in front of Maddie, he didn’t bother to look at the girl, just said, ‘I love you Thumper’, and left. Maddie didn’t appear to react to his words, just stood there and cried long after he had left and her mother’s cries had died down to whimpers.

Finally turning he watched the older girl gather her sibling in her arms. Cradling the child to her chest she rocked them both, back and forth, back and forth, until finally Maddie’s sister fell into an exhausted sleep. Rising Maddie carried the younger girl into her room. Snape followed closely behind and witnessed the gentle way she laid her sister down, placing a tender kiss upon her brow. She turned and exited the room, softly closing the door behind her.

Turning from her sister’s room she softly approached the closed door of what had once been her parent‘s bedroom. Maddie hesitated briefly before twisting the knob and peering in. Her mother sat at the foot of her bed, a bit of tissue and a picture clasped in her hands.

“It’ll be okay mom,” Maddie whispered. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”

“You promise,” the older woman responded bitterly. “You don’t even know what’s going on. You’re too stupid to see the truth.”

“Momma?”

“He left because of you!” Maddie’s mother responded bolting up from the bed, an accusing finger pointed at her daughter. “You’re the reason he doesn’t love me anymore! YOU! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BEEN NORMAL?”

The yelling woke the sister up, her cries cutting off the ranting woman. Maddie turned without another word and left. She didn’t bother to check on her sister.

The vision faded, and for awhile there was nothing but darkness. Severus waited patiently; pushing further into Maddie’s subconscious pulling the deepest memory up. And suddenly there was light, and steam, a great deal of steam. Looking around Snape saw Maddie climbing into the tub, clothed in what appeared to be shorts and a shirt. She reached for the stack of towels she had placed on the toilet beside her, and pulled knife from between the folds of material.

Snape’s heart stopped, he knew there was nothing to be done, and it was already in the past. But some part of him still wanted to reach for the girl, pull the blade from her hands, to save her. He overcame the instinct, and watched silently as she drew the blade from wrist to elbow in a quick vertical slice.

She didn’t cry out, didn’t squint in pain or discomfort, she simply dropped the knife and lay back…waiting. Severus was left to watch as the water went from crystal clear to pink, and then to red. Her eyes finally closed, and seconds later Snape was launched from the memory, a barrage of light and sound followed, blurred images of men above her, and then nothing again. Until finally her eyes flew open and Snape was standing beside a bed in a place he vaguely recognized as a muggle hospital.

The room was quiet for awhile, a steady beep sounded from the machine beside the bed, its green lines bouncing up and down. The door opened as Snape was looking about, and an older woman walked in cautiously.

“Are you awake dear?” The woman’s voice shook with emotion as she addressed Maddie, who seemed content to simply stare at the wall. Finally she sighed and turned to look at the woman who had come in.

“I’m awake Grandma.”

The woman’s breath left her body in a whoosh as she quickly raced to the bed, and clutched her grandchild’s uninjured arm.

“What have you done to yourself,” she questioned through her tears. “Thank God your mother found you.”

“Yeah, Thank God.” Maddie looked away from the older woman, her own tears gathering in her eyes.

“Why did you do it?”

“Because Grandma, it’s my fault.” Maddie said it as if it made perfect sense. “I am so fucked up in the head that my father left me, and he left the rest of the family to do it.”

“You’re mother tell you that?” Her grandmother responded a definite chill entering her voice.

“Grandma, just…leave it alone. It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! And I can’t help but blame myself!”

Horror entered Maddie’s eyes at the thought. She didn’t want anyone to blame themselves, as she blamed herself. Definitely not her grandmother she was the only person that still loved her.

“It isn’t your fault Grandma!”

“It is,” the woman insisted. “I didn’t think you would be one, your father isn’t, and I had thought you weren’t either.”

“Weren’t what Grandma? A freak? Well, you’re wrong there.”

“No, baby girl, you aren’t a freak. You turned out just like me.”

A sudden screeching noise invaded the memory, and the visual aspect began to waver, a sharp pain crashed into Severus’ head. It was as if someone had driven a hot needle between his eyes, and before he knew it the memory was gone and he was sitting in his chair once again.

Hearing a groan he rose on shaky legs and skirted the desk coming down beside the fallen girl. Her eyes were watering as she stared up at him, at a bit of blood began to trickle from her nose.

“I can’t seem to keep my footing around you,” she whispered in a pain laced voice. “What was that?”

“It was a typical reaction that occurs when someone encounters a memory that was meant to have been erased.” Severus said cautiously, unsure of how much he should reveal to her at the time. “It is a sign of a faulty or incomplete Obliviation spell.”

“Oh Grandma,” she rasped through parched lips. “What have you done?”

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What does this mean for our heroine? Will we ever find out what happened to her memories? We she and Snape ever just get down to bumping nasties? Yes, yes they will, but I prefer the term making raunchy love…