A Very Good Occlumens

Note: Acknowledgements to J.K. Rowling for parts quoted directly from her.

The next day dawned bright and cheerful. Nature was so unfair.

Lily awoke first, before dawn, her heart pounding. In spite of the orgasmic excesses of the night, her sleep had been filled with evil dreams and light slumber. She began sliding out from under Snape’s arm, which was thrown over her.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To check on Harry,” she hissed. “Since when are you so dictatorial?”

“You have no idea.”

She really did hiss at that, forcing the air between her teeth. “I want to see Harry! Let me go, Sev!”

He removed his arm and got out of bed himself. Lily pattered down the hall to Harry’s room. Inside, the toddler was sleeping with the deep sleep of the very young. Lily leaned over the crib and gently stroked his dark hair, showing promise already of being as unruly as James’s. His eyelashes fluttered. Snape appeared in the doorway. He stood there quietly for a while, then beckoned her with his finger.

She crept out.

“What time will it be?” she whispered in the hallway.

“I don’t know.”

“Does the Order know?”

“Yes.” He had sent the message while she was watching Harry. “You might as well get dressed, have breakfast. Pretend it’s a normal day.”

She swiveled her head to look at him incredulously. “'A normal day'?”

“Pretend. Yes. Do you want the bath first, or shall I?”

It was all she could do not to snort. But…she did need a shower. “I’ll take it,” she said stiffly.

He stepped aside to let her pass him in the hall.

When she emerged shortly afterward, clean, dressed in jeans and green sweater, her red hair flowing down her back like the surface of an orange ocean, Snape already had tea and toast ready. He slid a plate in front of her as she sat down.

“Just tea, please, thanks.” She pushed the plate away.

He skewered her with a look and pushed the plate at her again. “Eat something. You’ll need it.”

“You are dictatorial.”

“Just wait.”

Hard to tell if that was humor or promise. She took a small bite of the (slightly burned) toast and drank deeply of the tea. Snape left the room briefly and returned in his usual black robes, presumably clean but still a bit lank about the hair. Lily supposed she would have to look into that.

Harry awoke, and Lily busied herself changing him, dressing him, then feeding him. He ate small bits of toast, hot gruel, and milk. He watched Snape while he ate. It unsettled Snape. He had no touch with children. He ignored this one.

“Daddy no,” Harry observed, gazing at Snape.

“No,” Snape agreed.

“That’s not Daddy, dear, you’re right,” Lily said. “That’s—-er, what do you want him to call you?”

Snape rolled his eyes and made a dismissive gesture.

“Well, he can’t call you Daddy or Dad or Papa, or—-"

“Lily, this is somewhat less painful than my last trip to the dentist, but not much.”

“Sev!” announced Harry.

“He can’t call me that!”

“Sev,” Harry smiled and pointed at Snape.

“Well, you come up with something!” Lily whispered loudly.

“He may call me Severus.”

“He’s bloody 13 months old! He can barely say three words altogether! He can’t say bloody Severus!”

Harry laughed his rusty laugh, which always made Snape think of a mechanical device being used for the first time.

“Sev-ah!”

“Better?” Lily said.

“Worse.” Snape repressed the urge to roll his eyes again. Children were such a trial. Hard to know what to make of this one. He looked altogether too much like James, that git. Snape wondered what James might think to find Snape in his wife’s bed and playing stepfather to his son. How do you like it, James? he thought.

“You looked so hard for second, Sev, so mean, so calculating.”

Snape looked at the floor quickly. She was too good at reading him. “It’s nothing. Where shall we go today?”

“Go?”

“Well, we’re not going to stay here like lambs to the slaughter.”

“But the Muggles...we can’t put others in danger.”

“Believe me, Lily, something like this won’t happen in the park.”

“All right,” she said uncertainly, “the park.” She rose. Snape bent over to raise Harry from his baby seat.

There was a crack.

“So good to see you again, Mrs. Potter. Or is it Mrs. Snape?” intoned a high, cold voice.

Lily gasped.

“Ah, Severus. You already have the boy, then. This makes everything easy.”

Voldemort was alone. His eyes were red glints, his mouth was twisted in a leer. His wand was raised. Lily’s wand was in the waistband of her jeans, but she made no move as yet to get it. Snape knew, in that confused moment, that she didn’t need it for most of her magic.

“Hold him out for me.”

No time to exchange glances with Lily. He prayed she remembered what they had talked about. He had two charms that would work in this situation, and he would need room and full concentration to use them, especially non-verbally. He extended Harry at arm’s length.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment for weeks,” Voldemort said. “You nearly thwarted me, Lily. Yes, I’ll call you by name. You almost had me. But the prophecy was correct. I will kill the boy, and you can do nothing about it. One of us will die, and it will be him! Avada Kedavra!”

The bolt of green light shot from Voldemort’s wand, and in that split second, to Snape's stunned horror, Lily launched herself in front of Snape. He had a fleeting glimpse of a small smile playing over the Dark Lord’s mouth, and knew He was thinking what a master stroke it was for Snape to force the woman to kill herself in useless protection of her son, soon to die as well. But then a strange thing happened. The green bolt hit Lily squarely in the chest (Snape felt something searing hot seem to pierce his own chest), shot upward, grazing Harry’s forehead, then reversed itself and shot across the room to hit Voldemort. The Dark Lord disappeared, without even a scream, though his mouth hung open in disbelief.

And then, as Snape stood trembling with shock, he saw the strangest thing. Some barely visible silvery essence seemed to rise from Lily’s body, go through the ceiling and disappear. He was aware of a soft, strange, animalistic noise in the room. Then a second silvery something rose from Lily’s body, something much smaller, more amorphous. Snape felt himself fall to his knees. The animalistic sound became terrible.

There was a blinding, jagged jet of white light and a crack, and Dumbledore was in the room.

“My office,” he said. When Snape could not move, Dumbledore picked up the inert form of the toddler, grasped Snape’s arm and turned in place, Apparating him as if he were a Fifth Year. They stopped at St. Mungo’s first, to make sure Harry received medical treatment. Then Dumbledore Apparated them just outside of Hogwarts. A short while later, they were in his office.

Snape slumped forward in a chair, making a sound like a wounded animal. Dumbledore stood over him grimly. After a moment or two, Snape lifted his head.

“I thought...I could keep them...safe...” His breathing was shallow.

“You didn’t count on everything, Severus. You thought you could hold back her love. Protect her from her own love.”

Snape made a low, rough sound.

“Her boy survives,” said Dumbledore.

Snape shrugged with a jerky hunch.

“Her boy survives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans’s eyes, I am sure?”

“Don’t!” bellowed Snape. “Gone...dead... I wish...I were dead…”

“And what use would that be to anyone?” Dumbledore said coldly. “If you truly loved Lily Evans, then your way forward is clear.”

Snape tried to focus on Dumbledore’s face. The words seemed to take a long time to reach him.

“What do you mean?”

“You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily’s son.”

Her son? The cause of this mess? James’s boy, with the unsettling eyes?

“He does not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone.”

“He will return, and when he does, Harry Potter will be in terrible danger.”

Snape couldn’t hold back. “What about my son?”

“What?”

“Lily—-she must not have known—-I saw another soul—-" Against his will, his throat closed.

“Whatever that child may have been, it is gone now. I am sorry, Severus. Harry is all that is left.”

There was a long pause, and slowly Snape regained control of himself, mastered his breathing. At last he said, “Very well. Very well. But never, never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear...Potter’s son, the cause of all this...I can’t-- Swear it, Dumbledore!”

“My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?” Dumbledore sighed, looking down into Snape’s ferocious, anguished face. “If you insist...”

Snape stood, his breathing still more shallow than usual. He cast an unreadable glance Dumbledore’s way and stumbled out of the office, making his way on numb legs to the edge of Hogwarts' grounds, then Disapparating back to Spinner’s End.

Using his wand, he slashed away the gold and red, slashed away the toast and tea. Slash—-gone the crib and nursery furnishings. Slash—-gone Lily’s clothes. Back with the black wall hangings, the images of torment. He removed his wedding ring, the circle of white gold, and held it to the light. What to do? He raised his wand...and lowered it. At last, he put it in the Secret Place, the place only he knew of in the little rowhouse at the end of Spinner’s End.

Then, breathing hard, he spun on his heel.

“Incendio,” he snapped, pointing his wand. The pack of cigarettes went up in flame, burning a hole in the bedside table. No more pleasure for him. No more even thinking of it…

There would be only duty now. And no missed tricks. Every card played right, so help him. Never again to leave anything to chance. Never and never.

And thinking such thoughts, Snape Apparated just outside of Hogwarts and entered the grounds.

*

Fin

Thanks so much for your comments! I really, really enjoyed them. Let me know if you have anything else to add.

I’m thinking what to write next...